Episode Report Card Keckler: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Holier ThanThou
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 14 | Aired on 01.29.2002
Shuttle pod. Bu'Kah keeps bugging Quantum to tell her what the explosions are. Quantum warms her that there's a shockwave coming and orders her to hang on. The shuttle pod zips down through the rubble and sees the Klingon ship.
Klingon ship. T'Pol gets a com signal. It's Quantum, asking who they're shooting at. Reed explains their M.O., and Quantum says he's brought someone who should be able to help them get the ship out. Quantum docks the shuttle pod, and he and Bu'Kah board the ship. I don't know how they got out of wearing EV suits and EV underwear, but there you are. "I believe you've all met Officer Bu'Kah," Quantum says. Reed glares at her. Quantum asks how the engines are holding up, and T'Pol tells him, "The Klingon crew made most of the necessary repairs before they were overcome. But the port fusion injector is still damaged." Bu'Kah snips that she will "tend" to her own ship. Quantum tells her he didn't bring her here to die with the rest of the drunk Klingons. "My crew risked their lives to get this ship out of danger. I don't intend to leave until the job is finished," Quantum says.
Enterprise bridge. Maywhat reports that he is tracking two Klingon ships "approaching at high warp" and anticipates their arrival in sixteen minutes. Okay, you got that time? Good -- now forget it, because it's going to disappear down a nebula. They are hailed by Quantum, who says, "This is Klingon Raptor Somraw, hailing Enterprise. Request permission to disembark four passengers." "Well, I don't see why not," Trip says. I do.
Time passes -- how much, we don't know, but Quantum strides onto the bridge. Trip gets up from where he'd parked himself in the captain's chair, saying, "I kept your seat warm for ya." Ew. Quantum thanks him and tells Maywhy to "prepare to break orbit." Maywhy goes to obey but gets a hail from the Somraw. "Calling to say thanks?" Trip asks. Quantum says he doubts that, and tells Maywhen to accept the charges. The Klingon Captain tells Quantum to surrender his vessel. Apparently, he is a bit annoyed that the humans "violated" his ship and played around with their weapons and won't listen to the fact that Quantum and Co. saved him and his crew. Quantum tells him that they had to violate and play around or the ship would have been crunched by Shatner's reactions to baked beans and whisky. "Disruptors!" Capt. Klingon orders. "They're charging weapons," Trip says in frank disbelief. Okay, would now be a fair time to ask where those other two Klingon vessels are? Quantum tells the Klingons that they wouldn't last longer than a Vulcan heartbeat in a battle with them. "You've got multiple hull breaches, your shields are down, and from what I'm told, you're fresh out of torpedoes. If I were you I'd take what little honor I had left and go home. Fire one shot and I'll blast you right back to where we found you," Quantum taunts. Captain Klingon snarls and hangs up on them. Whatever. The Klingon captain would sooner die this way, attacked by a ship that violated them, than run away to live another day. Especially when he's being challenged by such a weasel-mouth. Maywhen announces that the Klingon ship is moving out, and Quantum tells him to take them out of there "before their friends show up." Sorry, but they should have shown up already; plus they would have contacted the Somraw to let them know they were on their way. Another reason why the Somraw wouldn't have tucked tail and run -- not if they knew massive reinforcements were coming. Quantum squats in his seat, sighs, and shakes his head at the large amounts of ridiculous writing he had to slog through in order to finish this episode.
The long-awaited DeCon scene. There's no amount of mutual rubbing gel over body parts, thank God. Instead, Reed, Hoshi, and T'Pol sit in their undies and revel in...something. I thought this was just a place where they put gel on each other, but they're treating it like a spa. T'Pol manages to show more skin than the rest of them, because TPTB made sure she was clad in the skimpiest of skimps, and that's considering the fact that Reed doesn't even have a shirt on. At some point, Phlox tells them none of them are contaminated and can come out of the chamber. Reed and Hoshi protest a bit, saying they might have picked up something undetectable, but to no avail. Finally, Reed and Hoshi mutely urge T'Pol to plead on their behalf. T'Pol pulls a face before suggesting that Phlox run his tests again: "I believe I'm developing a slight...headache." Well, I guess that couldn't be considered a lie. Phlox says, "Of course, if you insist. I wouldn't want to miss anything." T'Pol stalks her way back to her seat on the tiny bench, managing to flaunt her butt cheeks as she does it. Hoshi sighs, and Reed says he went to a spa in Mexico once: "Most relaxing place I've ever been, but it doesn't compare to this." Okay, I'm getting irritated now; I'd really like someone to explain what's so splendiferous about the DeCon chamber. They have showers in their quarters -- and we know this because of Quantum's gratuitous shower scene -- in which they can get clean with actual water, so I just don't get these paroxysms of ecstasy. "It is pleasant," T'Pol says carefully. Hoshi looks at T'Pol and says, "Do you smell that?" T'Pol sniffs and says, "I don't smell anything." "Exactly," Hoshi says. Sorry, babes, but I don't buy your sighs of relaxation; T'Pol and Hoshi are sitting as if they have ramrods up their spines. How comfortable is that posture? All in the name of displaying their dinners, I suppose. Oh, and hey, T'Pol? Yeah, go eat a hamburger or something, because I'm sending you my ophthalmologist's bill for poking my eyes out with your collar and hipbones.