Episode Report Card Owen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT P3 H2O
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 8 | Aired on 12.08.1999
Buckland Auction House. Prue's put on black sunglasses, because who'd want to be recognized in that Britney Spears-meets-Maude ensemble? She walks into her office and sees Jack "Preppy Lay Prue?" Sheridan sitting at her desk. She demands to know what he's doing there. He replies that he's "pondering redecorating." No comment. He complains that Prue's office is so bland: "Where's the flair? The panache? The Prue?" Prue replies, "That's none of your business," referring I suppose to that certain je ne sais quoi that is "The Prue." She says she has a lot of work to do, and takes off her bathrobe/cardigan thing. Jack informs Prue that he's working at BAH now also, and will be using her office until he gets one of his own. Let me add: Whatever! And: Not! Does this happen at any company ever, besides Sheer Contrivance, Inc.? And what happened to Sheridan Internet Auctions? Has it relocated to the Lost Island of Discarded Plot Devices, where it's now staffed by Sideshow Joe and Unfrozen Caveman Boyfriend Alan and Tommy Tech Vest and Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen and Gosh-How-I-Miss-Claire and Bodie from Dawson's Creek? So Jack explains that since Prue told him that she couldn't work with and date him, "one of them would have to do." Before Prue can go bitch out the high muck-a-mucks at BAH for hiring her stalker, Jack puts his feet up on her desk to reveal that he's wearing a coat and tie on top, and tap pants and strappy heels below. At least I swear it looked like he was half transvestite for a second. Upon closer inspection, he's shown to be secretly wearing surfer trunks and river sandals under his business wear -- making him, what? A trans-tech-vest-ite? I guess this is supposed to be endearing in the same vein as Dan's newly displayed love for children's cereal, because the men on this show are either deadly warlocks or just little boys lined up to be scolded and molded by the Halliwell women. Ugh. Next! Prue gapes at Jack's ensemble and has the hypocritical cojones to say: "You consider that proper work attire?" Reading my mind, Jack calls Prue on her own outfit. But then he adds some compliment about her looking so foxy that "it's a wonder anybody gets any work done around here." And he makes that horndog "rowwwrrrrr" sound I haven't heard on prime time television since Larry from Three's Company. Prue tries to quip: "Flattery will get you nowhere." Jack responds with an equally feeble zinger: "Got me this job." Prue single-entendres (tm Wing) about her office "hands-off" policy. Jack says he'll just sit back in Prue's chair and make himself "comfy." Then he falls back and out of her chair in a blinding display of pasty white "Clinton goes jogging" thighs. It's not played up that Prue caused this with her telekinetic power, so I have no idea why this happened, except to set Prue up for one last lame attempt at wit before departing: "Nice form, but your dismount could use a little work." Jack retorts that "[he] meant to do that" to Prue's taillights. Pee-Wee Herman waits for his royalty check. Owen pours three fingers of whiskey. Eh, make that five.
Camp Skylark. Mrs. Johnson serves Piper a tray full of cookies while blathering on about years ago when the Halliwell girls attended her summer camp. Or at least she tries to talk, because the actress -- who I spot as one of the elder Spelling players who I think appeared a few times on Fantasy Islandor The Love Boat but was never a big enough name to show up later as one of the parents on Melrose Place -- has had her face lifted more times than a champagne glass at a Mafia wedding. Phoebe, in a blue Lycra midriff-baring top and this really unflattering black striped mini with an asymmetrically cut hem worn over black leggings, joins her sister on the sofa, but not before grabbing the entire tray of cookies from Piper before her sister can have one. Then she sits there for the rest of the scene leaning forward, protecting the cookies on her lap and chowing down. The suspense is unbearable: Will Piper get a cookie? If not, will Piper kick Phoebe's ass here, or wait until they're back in San Francisco? Or will Piper wait until February sweeps to wreak Biblical vengeance on the lazy Ps for their shoddy Jan Brady-ish treatment of her? As I bite my nails, Mrs. Johnson cracks her taut Mary Tyler Moore/Carol Burnett post-op grimace wide enough to let the sisters know that Grizzly is a guy named Sam who lives on the lake, is pretty crazy and showed up when the drownings started.