Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Watergate Still Kind Of Bothers Me
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 4 | Aired on 01.29.2007
Ryan wishes people luck as they enter whatever this place is where Alabamians come to enjoy things en masse, still looking great and not sickly like he did last year, and we meet Tatiana McConnico (17, Austell and/or Atlanta GA). She's a student at an HSPVA, was born to sing, is pretty and tiny and speaks in that usual awesome preternaturally Dakota way the 16/17s talk on this show. She loves the show and hopes to be missing it this season; she calls this audition the "biggest thing I've ever done in my life ... all seventeen years of it." It's not as precociously irritating and self-deprecating as it sounds, because she's adorable. The judges love her scary professionalism, of course, and Paula vamps at her. Paula's makeup looks great and she's got a cute ponytail today. Maybe it's my screen resolution and everybody always looked great, or the lighting was off last year or something, but it's a pleasure to be looking at these people for six hours a week, and I don't remember that being true very often. Surely they'll get tired soon. Of course Tatiana goes nuts all over the song, and she's obviously got it, and the judges are totally impressed and act really cool with her. Randy calls her "a 100% natural" and "dope"; Simon puts her through without a lot of fanfare, because it's games within games with him, always; Paula laughs wildly, she's so excited. Ryan stares at the family hug outside, laughing, and then her friend does a crazy dance and acts like Cousin Pam.
Diana Walker (27, Atlanta GA) is too big to be here, and somebody should tell her this. Also, she works in child care. Which is awesome because children are our future, but also kind of tells you what's going to happen next. She tells Ryan she used to be a cheerleader (this would be like ten years ago, okay) and that she was the base of the pyramid, but now she probably can't do the splits, and I cannot think of a less interesting conversation to be having on television, especially a show that regularly pulls Super Bowl ratings and ad revenue. She explains to us that this is a "grand" opportunity and that it will "open doors" like none other. These are lies from stem to stern, but it's important for them all to believe this stuff, as we'll see, so I'm not going to laugh too hard at that bullcorn, but there it is. "Grand" opportunity to get your ass made fun of on TV, right. She's wearing more pink netting around her zip code breasts and dangly plastic pink earrings and generally looks like the forgotten Hologram, and Paula laughs right the fuck at her as she walks in. She's wearing a Bedazzled left-hand glove, in order to "represent" something I don't understand, and Randy draws the freakily intuitive and not-at-all obvious referential line to Michael Jackson, and then she sings very LOUDLY and very NERVOUSLY, and Simon's eyebrows go, "Girl, I am getting old." It's really scary, sharp throughout, and it's also the song "Saving All My Love For You," which I saved for last because it's the best part.