Episode Report Card Djb: C+ | 1 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Something Borrowed, Something Prue
By Djb | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.07.2001
Opening credits: I am human. And I need to be loved. Ack! It's eighth grade! Run!
Justin With Very Large Teeth and my long-time girlfriend Heather Duke stand outside P3, Prue assuring Justin as if it's not the first time she's forced herself to say it inside of the last ten minutes, "I had a really good time tonight." Justin worries that she was ultra-quiet this evening, and Prue evokes the demon spirit of Conveniently Appearing Backstory with the very obvious lie that she has a lot on her mind, what with Piper getting married and all. Justin stage-directs a wan smile, belaboring her obvious lack of interest in him with the passive-aggressive, "If I was [sic] the paranoid type, I would think that it's because of me." Prue tells him not to be "ridiculous," but with his Billy-Bob Novelty Teeth Kit and a head so geometrically oval that Third World nations rely on it to note the changing of the solstices, Justin is about twenty-five years too late and a bit too genetically-encoded to have much of a choice in whether to be ridiculous or not. They plan to have lunch tomorrow; he'll pick her up at one. O'clock. At the house. He'll be there. Pay attention to that line. Foreshadowing certainly did, what with it square-dancing through the frame with Conveniently Appearing Backstory on his arm. Those two. Always together. Anyway, Justin's big teeth kiss Prue goodbye, taking with them her entire head and much of her upper torso, and he hops into his well-if-I-can't-get-laid-with-these-awesome-wheels Red Sports Car Of The Impending Midlife Crisis and drives off. Meanwhile, another black-clad man with a hairline that's so in the process of receding that it's receded even during the course of his skulking around outside of P3 (if I'm supposed to know who that guy is, well, I don't), watches the whole exchange from the shadows. Prue turns and makes for the inside of the club, taking off her coat and displaying the rump-side of her outfit to the world. Memo to the Charmed costume department: really tight pants the identical color of human flesh don't make you look hot. They make you look like a naked medical marvel born without a butt-crack. Gross? Uh-huh. True? Oh, my, totally.
Inside P3, Piper sits at the bar, feeling perpetually downcast about her pre-Charmed kitsch value résumé (I'm sure Picket Fences was a perfectly serviceable show, but if y'all think it equals the sheer ironic value of Who's the Boss or 90210, you've been watching too much PAX-TV…that's all I'm sayin') when Prue breezes in. Piper pulls off a decent zing in telling Prue that ending a date before nine o'clock is "very Disney of [her]." She then sets about discussing the upcoming "wedding," and Conveniently Appearing Backstory, skulking in a stock room just off the kitchen, backs up into a crate of empty cans slated for recycling, sending them clanging to the floor and the needle screeching off the record while everyone runs to see what all the fuss was about. Careful now. Prue can't decide if she should invite Justin to this so-called "wedding," claiming that he has all of the qualities of a good-ish boyfriend, but that he's just so "predictable." Crash! Bang! Smash! Five-cent deposits roll past the sisters and out into the street. The Receding Hairline Bad Guy from outside skulks in the background. Prue explains further that her relationship with Justin lacks "mystery," which she defines as "savoir-faire," which can be translated directly to mean "mystery" much in the same way it can be translated directly to mean "cream-filled donuts." That being not at all. Prue pulls out a lip gloss and applies it liberally, and Conveniently Appearing Backstory douses itself in rouge and blush, because it wants to look good for its close-up too. Last time I watched Shannen hanging out with Conveniently Appearing Backstory on such a regular basis, they were both wearing shoulder pads and a Benetton blouse. Such as it was in the early nineties. But make no mistake about it. This coupling is rich with history. Leo, sitting next to Piper, is allowed a sentiment in edgewise, claiming that a simple, private wedding is the way to go. Piper retorts with excess hand gestures that his play for a nice, quiet wedding, one which actually comes with the vague possibility of some actual romance, is in vain. She stands up from her stool and warns of a meeting with "the wedding planners" tomorrow morning, and she cautions him, "No getting out of it, no orbing out of it, nothing. Don't even try it." Piper makes her way to the bathroom. Receding Hairline Baddy, looking completely inconspicuous while skulking outside the woman's bathroom, waits for Piper to disappear behind the closed door before stepping into the middle of the room (very coy) and morphing into Piper. And, given the choice between the receding hairline and Holly Marie's Pippi-Longstocking-by-way-of-Helen-Keller-at-a-slumber-party braids, I would probably have to go ahead and pick, well, um…recapping Roswell, I guess. Have I mentioned I've never seen this show before?