Episode Report Card Djb: C+ | 1 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Something Borrowed, Something Prue
By Djb | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.07.2001
Back at the house, Phoebe waves a crystal over a map as Piper carries the BoS into the living room, Phoebe proclaiming them "screwed." Leo orbs in and informs the girls that he couldn't get any information either, and filling in the blanks (for me, anyway) that "the Elders" support Phoebe and Piper's discussed-at-length-during-the-commercial-I-suppose "shapeshifting warlock theory, but they can't get a clear read on the situation." Prue's gone, but not dead. That's all they know. But whoever has her wants to keep her alive, which means she's been taken by an "upper-level warlock" who is keeping Prue alive to lure the other two sisters into his domain so he can steal all of their powers. Okay, I know I've never seen this show and I'll probably get skewered just for opening my mouth on this, but this whole thing is so Dundgeons & Dragons TV movie I can't handle it anymore. If they want her back so badly, why don't they just roll the ninety-sided dice and see if they can't roll her out of the evil, enchanted forest? I mean, "upper-level warlock"? Leo mumbles something about it being "too bad" that Phoebe "vanquished that demonic bounty hunter. He could've helped." Phoebe stands in a real hurry with an upper-level "hunch" and makes for the steps.
The Rock-Hard Abs Of Witchly Vulnerability show their love to the world as Prue lies motionless on a table, unshaken by the sounds of warlockian evil hovering above her, the sounds of her slitted black gothwear ripping upwards toward her chin, or the sound of Stevie Nicks rampaging through her closet demanding to know what's become of that one outfit she wore in every video she made between 1979 and 1987. Stevie, honey? The Charmed costume department picked it up when you hocked it for blow after "Rock a Little" failed to burn up the pop charts, is where. Did you not watch your own Behind the Music? Anyway, Dantalian and Receding Hairline Baddy stand over an unconscious Prue, as the demon chick pulls a black veil over Shannen's face. She then pulls a monkish hood over her own head, puts a hand over Prue's, and speaks some matrimonial words about Prue committing herself evermore to "the service of evil." Receding Hairline Baddy, in a constant state of relief that "knocked" and "unconscious" still make for better keywords in the "how I met my wife" story than "mail order" and "Malaysia," smiles again in an unnecessarily sinister fashion and asks, "How long until the transformation in complete?" Dantalian responds that Prue's life of pure evil will commence "this evening," continuing, "Can you wait that long?" He can. "For the power of the Charmed Ones, I can wait a few hours." Dantalian congratulates him on his wedding, leaning in to kiss him. Um, jerk? Watch out for what she's about to do to…oh, dang. Now see what you've gone and done? Receding Hairline Baddy. Evil and stupid: a lethal combination. On the kiss, Receding Hairline Baddy is overcome by the same kind of extravagantly Shakespearean paralysis that affected Prue a few scenes back, and I applaud the Baddy for his reserve in not clasping his hand to his chest and screaming, "I die!" as he lies down on the table next to Prue. He merely looks up, all puppy-dog eyes, and asks, "Why?" Why, you ask? Perhaps to afford a character the opportunity to elucidate on the numerous half-baked strands of so-called "plot" that have been sort of established so far this hour. Is this about the marriage? The sisters? The book? Stevie Nicks? Perhaps a little bit of all of them. Here's how Dantalian tells it: "Because I'm tired of bestowing great power on others. The Halliwell Book of Shadows is the key to unbelievable power. For me. Evil will spread from this sister to the other two and from them to the book, and once the book is evil, it will be mine. And I will be unstoppable." Got it. Thanks. Now I'm down with it all. Man, they could smell the rank stench of substitute recapper all the way over there.
Back at the Mausoleum, Phoebe runs in, frantic, calling Cole's name. He materializes in the corner, trying to look non-committal, and slimes, "I was beginning to think I was never going to see you again." She tells him that she only came back because she needs help, launching in accordingly, "Prue was taken. By a warlock." Again, thanks. Cole tells her and us that warlocks don't have the power to jumble the good guy's radar, and surmises he can't be working alone. He all but flips on an overhead projector exhibiting the playbook patterns the warlocks and witches are running, notated in Xs and Os for easier reference, furthering the contrivances, "Certain dignitaries have the power to shield their activities. Demonic judges, dark priests." So, basically anyone with a highfalutin' day job and a modifying adjective synonymous with "evil," then? I guess he left out the fact that "baneful politicians" and "flagitious comptrollers" are also capable of shielding their activities from the witches and each other? He continues, "Anyone who needs privacy for rituals." So, "nefarious diplomats" too, then? Cole surmises the plan has something to do with the Book of Shadows, says the word "book" fifteen times in a row, and claims he would offer to help, but he can't risk other demons finding out he hasn't been riding the front float in the Vanquished Parade for the past two months. Phoebe just wants her sister back. Cole: "No matter the cost?" Phoebe, again, a little bit slower and a little bit worse, repeats, "I want my sister back." I wonder if Danny Pintauro ever made her refer to him as her sister on the set. Cole leans in and adds with all due gravity, "I'm doing this for you." She takes a few steps toward the door, turning around suddenly and kissing him passionately in a very daytime-soapy kind of way. She apologizes, claiming, "I have no idea where that came from." He looks like the very notion of kissing a girl is beyond his realm of comprehension. I wonder if Danny Pintauro ever…okay, sorry. That's it. Just be glad I haven't made a Teen Steam joke yet. Cole goes all solemn: "Listen, if you don't hear back from me…I got caught." By a "miscreant magistrate," perhaps?