Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Amour-ticians
By M. Giant | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 06.19.2005
Claire's at the camera store, shopping and phone-canoodling with Billy. She's also telling him about the new camera she's buying. It's a digital, and we know how they both feel about that, right? No? I guess we don't anymore. "Just think of it as a really expensive toy," Claire excuses. When she gets off the phone, though, the clerk tells her that her card is declined. Claire says it's a mistake, and asks that he run it again. He does. Same result. "What the fuck?" Claire wonders. Maybe the universe doesn't want you to go digital, Claire.
David and Keith are getting bad news from Shirley the adoption lady. David's confused: "You have our whole lives there on paper...Keith did everything he was supposed to do. His record is clean." Adoption Lady says that David's isn't: "I wish you'd been more honest with me. Would have saved us all a lot of work." They still don't get it, which means they're behind most viewers. Shirley catches them up: "You were arrested in Las Vegas on May 25th, 2001 for lewd and lascivious behavior in a public place with a male prostitute." Adoption people are so picky. Wheels turn in David's head while Keith looks guilty. "I am so disappointed," Shirley knife-twists. "I devoted weeks to your case. Did you really think you could keep it a secret?" Yeah, Shirley's the one who's disappointed. But my God, you guys, one of the first things they tell you during the adoption process is to disclose everything. So in a file somewhere at our adoption agency is my statement about a warning I got for riding my bicycle on the wrong side of the street in 1982. Better safe than sorry, I say.
Cut to the ride home in David and Keith's giant car, where we join the bitter recriminations already in progress. David is blaming Keith for failing to have the record of his arrest properly expunged, and Keith says that the Vegas cop told him it had been. "I didn't make you fuck that hooker and get busted," Keith quite rightly points out. "You fucked up and it cost us everything," David insists. Keith says that the only reason he's not screaming back is because he knows how upset David is. Which just makes David angry that Keith's not more upset. Keith says he is; he just has to drive the giant car and get them home alive while David freaks out. "Bullshit!" David screams, throwing his neatly organized portfolio to the floor of the car. "You don't care!" Keith says he does care, and that it didn't cost them everything. They've still got the giant car, for one thing. And also, "There's the surrogate. Maybe we can get things going with her." Wrong thing to say to David, Keith. His preferred method of fatherhood just went down the toilet, so now you're going to rub it in by reminding him that yours is still viable? And indeed, David remembers, "You never wanted to adopt in the first place. You know what? Fuck the surrogate. You can meet her yourself. I don't want any part of it." David breaks down into tears of rage while Keith scowls at the road.