Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Size Matters
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.24.2001
Cut to a ramshackle, unpainted Victorian on an unkempt rise above a random street in the city. The camera pans down and over to take in the street itself, and a motorcycle with two riders tools over to the Victorian's drive. The loudly blonde passenger with the deep, dark roots looks like the long-lost twin sister of the long-dead Agent Topolsky on the long-lousy Roswell. By the way, Topolsky was portrayed by Julie Benz, Rose McGowan's co-star in Jawbreaker. Is this Benz clone present due to sheer coincidence or "clever" casting on the producers' part? You make the call. Anyway, the Benz Clone yanks off her helmet to deliver one of her very few lines. "Jeez, Finn. You live here?" "It needs a little work," Finn shrugs as he removes his own helmet. He pauses to gaze up at Manse Finn. "Okay," he admits, "it needs a lot of work." He dismounts from the bike to invite her indoors. "It's nicer inside," he promises. "I'll show you." Finn's a slut. Or. Is. He? Finn has crispy light-brown hair, blue eyes, full lips, alarmingly prominent ears, a nose that's a little on the large size, and from certain angles, he bears a passing resemblance to Chris Isaak. It shouldn't work, should it? And yet, improbably, it does. I wouldn't boot him out of bed, at any rate. Crack wise about my questionable standards at your own peril. The Benz Clone hesitates, feeling a bit trampy about "going home with a guy [she] just met." However, as Finn projects a thoroughly wholesome and non-threatening demeanor and he's eminently doable besides, the Benz Clone tosses caution to the winds to accept his proffered hand. Do we all know this ends badly? Good. Knowing it ends badly, are we all sufficiently sickened by the implied message of "casual sex will kill you, so don't even think about giving it up until after you get that wedding band on your finger"? Even better. With a toothy smile, Finn leads her up the stone stairs to the porch. Nice ass, Finn. What? I'm just saying.
As they enter the foyer, we get a Mouth-breathing Villain POV through some slats in a wall as The Oboe Of Impending Doom kicks in on the soundtrack. Finn flicks a switch by the door, to no effect. The Benz Clone frets about the lack of light in Manse Finn. He snarks that she's a little too old to be scared of the dark. Truth be told, she's way too old to be scared of the dark. They've tried to belie the actress's true age by pulling her hair back into a barretted near-topknot of a 'do, but it's clear she's on the far side of thirty. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but still. Finn offers to check the circuit breaker. She grins gratefully as he reassuringly strokes her chin with his thumb. He crosses to a door, only to be stopped when she unexpectedly pleads, "Don't go." "It's okay," he smiles before vanishing into the adjoining room, closing the door behind him. We get a brief shot of the mouth-breathing villain's eye through a gaping, slatted hole in the wall, then the villain scampers out of view. I refuse to be coy. It's Robert Englund, otherwise known as Freddy Krueger. Choice casting, here, people. The impressive amount of pop-culture baggage that guy hauls around from gig to gig virtually ensures a heightened sense of campy malevolence, no matter what he does. The imperiled Benz Clone uneasily glances around, taking in the squalor that surrounds her. She moves to chase after Finn, but Freddy pops up behind her in silhouette to zap her with some sort of energy-emitting pistol. As bolts of blue electricity fry the off-screen Benz Clone, her high-pitched wails slide into the opening credits.