Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Size Matters
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.24.2001
Fade up on the neon logo of P3. Piper passes in front of it to enter the main bar area with "Treat," the self-described "number one club promoter in all of San Francisco." Piper's hired the guy to manage the nightclub in her place, and no, I have no idea why any of this is happening. It's not like Piper has some sort of burgeoning calendar of social obligations that would prevent her from fulfilling her duties, and the gals spend, what, ten hours total out of their week fighting demons? So, whatever. Treat proposes they festoon the bar and dance floor with swaths of white chiffon to give the place "flair." He also wants to remove all of the tables, chairs, and sofas to replace them with pillows on the floor so "people can lay back. Get comfortable." Piper thinks he's rushing things a bit. While they agreed to some changes, she was under the impression that those alterations would be gradual. She doesn't "want to shock the regulars." Treat, however, thinks shocking the regulars is exactly what they should be doing. "Your place is too safe," he claims. Uh. Huh. Chiffon and throw pillows, all in the hopes of alienating the regulars and drawing a new, presumably "dangerous" clientele? He doesn't dress the part, and he certainly doesn't have the accent, but I have the sneaking suspicion this "Treat" is an enormous, screaming queen, and all of this is an attempt to transform P3, finally, into the gay bar it was always destined to become. Piper at last relents, and Treat gives the order to "rip it all out."
Two guys from the set crew lift a table as Phoebe enters, screeching. "Wait a minute!" she howls as my eardrums leak blood. "Who told them they could rip out our table?" she asks Piper. Piper introduces Phoebe to Treat. Phoebe offers him her hand, but he insists on doing some dorkerrific fist-banging thing by way of greeting instead. Idiot. Piper fills Phoebe in on the whole new-manager thing. "I just hired him," Piper explains. Spluttering a bit, she hastens to add, "On a trial basis." Ever the insecure P, aren't we, honey? "Well, isn't that interesting," Phoebe overenunciates, leaning in towards Piper while baring her teeth and slitting her eyes like a wild-maned, overendowed Komodo she-dragon. "I need to talk to you," she sneers, latching onto Piper's arm and dragging her away from this Treat person.
Over near the bar, the two perch on stools as Phoebe bitches Piper out for delegating responsibility, rather than continuing to manage the bar on her own. "We said we weren't going to make any major changes in our lives," Phoebe says, reminding Piper of a conversation to which the viewing audience has never been privy. "All the books caution against it," she PSAs. "After you've suffered a major loss, do not sell the house." She enumerates each point on her fingers. "Do not get married. Do not quit your job." Piper counters that, like it or not, the new hire at P3 is one of many changes in their lives as of late, and it is by no means the greatest. Raige strides in at that moment, leading Phoebe to natter, "Oh, speak of the devil-slash-Whitelighter-slash-witch." Raige breezes on over to them and apologizes for dropping by unannounced. She has a "quick question," she explains, but she can wait until Phoebe and Piper have finished their conversation. Piper allows she was just telling Phoebe that the changes at P3 are necessary in part because the Ps are now a "single-income household," like, way to ignore Raige's potential contributions to the Manor's coffers. The club hasn't been doing terribly well as of late, thus the need for Treat and his chiffon. Phoebe guiltily insists she can get a job herself, what with being a freshly-minted college graduate and all. Piper snarks that unless the Feebs can find an entry-level job that provides a compensation plan in the low six figures, she'd much rather have Phoebe focus on their "other work." Now, hold on. One would assume Prue had some sort of life insurance and accidental death and dismemberment policy at the magazine. My own life insurance policy, after all, was worth well over two hundred thousand dollars before I was laid off. One would further assume that the thrice-married Grams would have left a hefty financial legacy to her three Charmed Ones upon her death, not to mention the money their mother would have set aside for them as well. So, this "we're poooooor" thing they're trying to foist upon me? Not buying it.
Anyway, Raige attempts to butt in with, "About that other work." Phoebe and Piper ignore her, blathering on about "the source of [their] income" and "the Source of All [Eeevil]" until Raige finally catches their attention. "I found something [Eeevil]!" she insists. Raige asks the two if they've ever sensed something wrong about a place, even if there are no outward signs of danger. Piper gazes upon Raige, no doubt wondering if she's been hitting the pipe again. Raige elaborates that she passes a particular mansion every morning on her way to the office, and the house never fails to send a "shiver" up and down her spine. Piper's having none of it. Raige notes that prior to becoming a witch, she ignored the sense of danger she felt. Now, however, she believes the house might be plagued by "something supernatural." Phoebe asks Raige if she has any information on the mansion or its occupants. Raige reluctantly cops to knowing simply that a "cute guy named Finn lives there." Ah, Finn. Memories of Young Americans drift back from the golden, homoerotic summer of 2000. Only that Finn was a greasy loudmouth of a pederast, so, you know, not terribly cute at all. Now Verve, on the other hand...uh, where was I? Oh, right. Phoebe wonders if Finn is the source of Raige's unease. Not so, claims Raige. Seems the two have flirted at the local produce stand numerous times in the past. "[We've] done the 'Are these melons ripe?' thing," she admits, somewhat abashed. Ew. Piper terms it "a case of the hots," rises from her seat, and brushes past Raige to stand behind the bar. Raige insists there's something amiss at the manor. Piper completely blows her off and exits the scene. Raige turns to Phoebe for reassurance: "I'm not making this up." "I know, sweetie," Phoebe tells her, taking her hand. "But you gotta admit, it's not much to go on." She urges Raige to call her later that day, and walks away. "Stay away from that Finn guy!" she adds over her shoulder as she goes. Raige hugs herself, rolls her eyes, flares her nostrils, and sighs in frustration.