Fade up on the neon logo of P3. Piper passes in front of it to enter the main bar area with "Treat," the self-described "number one club promoter in all of San Francisco." Piper's hired the guy to manage the nightclub in her place, and no, I have no idea why any of this is happening. It's not like Piper has some sort of burgeoning calendar of social obligations that would prevent her from fulfilling her duties, and the gals spend, what, ten hours total out of their week fighting demons? So, whatever. Treat proposes they festoon the bar and dance floor with swaths of white chiffon to give the place "flair." He also wants to remove all of the tables, chairs, and sofas to replace them with pillows on the floor so "people can lay back. Get comfortable." Piper thinks he's rushing things a bit. While they agreed to some changes, she was under the impression that those alterations would be gradual. She doesn't "want to shock the regulars." Treat, however, thinks shocking the regulars is exactly what they should be doing. "Your place is too safe," he claims. Uh. Huh. Chiffon and throw pillows, all in the hopes of alienating the regulars and drawing a new, presumably "dangerous" clientele? He doesn't dress the part, and he certainly doesn't have the accent, but I have the sneaking suspicion this "Treat" is an enormous, screaming queen, and all of this is an attempt to transform P3, finally, into the gay bar it was always destined to become. Piper at last relents, and Treat gives the order to "rip it all out."
Two guys from the set crew lift a table as Phoebe enters, screeching. "Wait a minute!" she howls as my eardrums leak blood. "Who told them they could rip out our table?" she asks Piper. Piper introduces Phoebe to Treat. Phoebe offers him her hand, but he insists on doing some dorkerrific fist-banging thing by way of greeting instead. Idiot. Piper fills Phoebe in on the whole new-manager thing. "I just hired him," Piper explains. Spluttering a bit, she hastens to add, "On a trial basis." Ever the insecure P, aren't we, honey? "Well, isn't that interesting," Phoebe overenunciates, leaning in towards Piper while baring her teeth and slitting her eyes like a wild-maned, overendowed Komodo she-dragon. "I need to talk to you," she sneers, latching onto Piper's arm and dragging her away from this Treat person.
Over near the bar, the two perch on stools as Phoebe bitches Piper out for delegating responsibility, rather than continuing to manage the bar on her own. "We said we weren't going to make any major changes in our lives," Phoebe says, reminding Piper of a conversation to which the viewing audience has never been privy. "All the books caution against it," she PSAs. "After you've suffered a major loss, do not sell the house." She enumerates each point on her fingers. "Do not get married. Do not quit your job." Piper counters that, like it or not, the new hire at P3 is one of many changes in their lives as of late, and it is by no means the greatest. Raige strides in at that moment, leading Phoebe to natter, "Oh, speak of the devil-slash-Whitelighter-slash-witch." Raige breezes on over to them and apologizes for dropping by unannounced. She has a "quick question," she explains, but she can wait until Phoebe and Piper have finished their conversation. Piper allows she was just telling Phoebe that the changes at P3 are necessary in part because the Ps are now a "single-income household," like, way to ignore Raige's potential contributions to the Manor's coffers. The club hasn't been doing terribly well as of late, thus the need for Treat and his chiffon. Phoebe guiltily insists she can get a job herself, what with being a freshly-minted college graduate and all. Piper snarks that unless the Feebs can find an entry-level job that provides a compensation plan in the low six figures, she'd much rather have Phoebe focus on their "other work." Now, hold on. One would assume Prue had some sort of life insurance and accidental death and dismemberment policy at the magazine. My own life insurance policy, after all, was worth well over two hundred thousand dollars before I was laid off. One would further assume that the thrice-married Grams would have left a hefty financial legacy to her three Charmed Ones upon her death, not to mention the money their mother would have set aside for them as well. So, this "we're poooooor" thing they're trying to foist upon me? Not buying it.
Anyway, Raige attempts to butt in with, "About that other work." Phoebe and Piper ignore her, blathering on about "the source of [their] income" and "the Source of All [Eeevil]" until Raige finally catches their attention. "I found something [Eeevil]!" she insists. Raige asks the two if they've ever sensed something wrong about a place, even if there are no outward signs of danger. Piper gazes upon Raige, no doubt wondering if she's been hitting the pipe again. Raige elaborates that she passes a particular mansion every morning on her way to the office, and the house never fails to send a "shiver" up and down her spine. Piper's having none of it. Raige notes that prior to becoming a witch, she ignored the sense of danger she felt. Now, however, she believes the house might be plagued by "something supernatural." Phoebe asks Raige if she has any information on the mansion or its occupants. Raige reluctantly cops to knowing simply that a "cute guy named Finn lives there." Ah, Finn. Memories of Young Americans drift back from the golden, homoerotic summer of 2000. Only that Finn was a greasy loudmouth of a pederast, so, you know, not terribly cute at all. Now Verve, on the other hand...uh, where was I? Oh, right. Phoebe wonders if Finn is the source of Raige's unease. Not so, claims Raige. Seems the two have flirted at the local produce stand numerous times in the past. "[We've] done the 'Are these melons ripe?' thing," she admits, somewhat abashed. Ew. Piper terms it "a case of the hots," rises from her seat, and brushes past Raige to stand behind the bar. Raige insists there's something amiss at the manor. Piper completely blows her off and exits the scene. Raige turns to Phoebe for reassurance: "I'm not making this up." "I know, sweetie," Phoebe tells her, taking her hand. "But you gotta admit, it's not much to go on." She urges Raige to call her later that day, and walks away. "Stay away from that Finn guy!" she adds over her shoulder as she goes. Raige hugs herself, rolls her eyes, flares her nostrils, and sighs in frustration.
Cut to a ramshackle, unpainted Victorian on an unkempt rise above a random street in the city. The camera pans down and over to take in the street itself, and a motorcycle with two riders tools over to the Victorian's drive. The loudly blonde passenger with the deep, dark roots looks like the long-lost twin sister of the long-dead Agent Topolsky on the long-lousy Roswell. By the way, Topolsky was portrayed by Julie Benz, Rose McGowan's co-star in Jawbreaker. Is this Benz clone present due to sheer coincidence or "clever" casting on the producers' part? You make the call. Anyway, the Benz Clone yanks off her helmet to deliver one of her very few lines. "Jeez, Finn. You live here?" "It needs a little work," Finn shrugs as he removes his own helmet. He pauses to gaze up at Manse Finn. "Okay," he admits, "it needs a lot of work." He dismounts from the bike to invite her indoors. "It's nicer inside," he promises. "I'll show you." Finn's a slut. Or. Is. He? Finn has crispy light-brown hair, blue eyes, full lips, alarmingly prominent ears, a nose that's a little on the large size, and from certain angles, he bears a passing resemblance to Chris Isaak. It shouldn't work, should it? And yet, improbably, it does. I wouldn't boot him out of bed, at any rate. Crack wise about my questionable standards at your own peril. The Benz Clone hesitates, feeling a bit trampy about "going home with a guy [she] just met." However, as Finn projects a thoroughly wholesome and non-threatening demeanor and he's eminently doable besides, the Benz Clone tosses caution to the winds to accept his proffered hand. Do we all know this ends badly? Good. Knowing it ends badly, are we all sufficiently sickened by the implied message of "casual sex will kill you, so don't even think about giving it up until after you get that wedding band on your finger"? Even better. With a toothy smile, Finn leads her up the stone stairs to the porch. Nice ass, Finn. What? I'm just saying.
As they enter the foyer, we get a Mouth-breathing Villain POV through some slats in a wall as The Oboe Of Impending Doom kicks in on the soundtrack. Finn flicks a switch by the door, to no effect. The Benz Clone frets about the lack of light in Manse Finn. He snarks that she's a little too old to be scared of the dark. Truth be told, she's way too old to be scared of the dark. They've tried to belie the actress's true age by pulling her hair back into a barretted near-topknot of a 'do, but it's clear she's on the far side of thirty. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but still. Finn offers to check the circuit breaker. She grins gratefully as he reassuringly strokes her chin with his thumb. He crosses to a door, only to be stopped when she unexpectedly pleads, "Don't go." "It's okay," he smiles before vanishing into the adjoining room, closing the door behind him. We get a brief shot of the mouth-breathing villain's eye through a gaping, slatted hole in the wall, then the villain scampers out of view. I refuse to be coy. It's Robert Englund, otherwise known as Freddy Krueger. Choice casting, here, people. The impressive amount of pop-culture baggage that guy hauls around from gig to gig virtually ensures a heightened sense of campy malevolence, no matter what he does. The imperiled Benz Clone uneasily glances around, taking in the squalor that surrounds her. She moves to chase after Finn, but Freddy pops up behind her in silhouette to zap her with some sort of energy-emitting pistol. As bolts of blue electricity fry the off-screen Benz Clone, her high-pitched wails slide into the opening credits.
No Cole this evening, so tonight's secret word is "Uh-oh" when uttered in a high-pitched squeak reminiscent of Michael Jackson doing helium whip-its.
Manse Finn. Inside, under the credits, Freddy's hands first hone a sculptor's chisel, then squeeze some water onto some clay. He lovingly fashions breasts on a small female figurine. The camera lingers on the breast-shaping, just to make certain we all understand that he's a sexually-disturbed sociopath. Cut to flames rising in a kiln, followed by a fade to Eddy Gein caressing a finished figurine. It's of a woman in a long skirt. Her arms are clamped down firmly at her sides, and her head tilts at an unnatural angle. Her eyes are black holes, and her mouth forms a perfect O. A faint scream pierces the soundtrack before the camera cuts back again to the Manse exterior. Finn roars off on his motorcycle under the watchful eye of Raige. Raige shivers uncomfortably, and -- scene!
Phoebe interviews for a job, in which presumably she will deal with customer complaints. Phoebe does not get said job. Why? Because instead of lying to Nasty Job Interview Lady about why she didn't graduate from college until she was twenty-seven and what her relevant experience in handling stressful situations involves and why she requires a flexible schedule, Feebs clams up, claiming she can't answer any questions. Here's a hint for time, nimrod: Sick grandmother. Elaborate as necessary. Jackass.
Halliwell Manor. Raige raps on the front door, then enters, calling out hello. She wanders into the front hall to spot the Dolt, meditating in the lotus position in mid-air in a swirl of orbs in the middle of the parlor. It's about fifteen times as retarded and queer as it reads, if that is at all possible. "[Dolt]?" she calls hesitantly. "Waah!" cries the Dolt. He flails and goes down like a five-dollar hooker to land on his ass. Raige apologizes profusely while crossing to help him to his feet. She notes that the door was unlocked. The Dolt offers a questionable explanation for that. If they locked it, demons would simply break it down. The cost of weekly repairs would quickly bankrupt The Glamorous Ladies Of Halliwell Manor. The Dolt deserves a big old whatever for that, but you'll have to wait until the end of the recap for me to explain why. The Dolt tells Raige that Phoebe's out at the moment. Raige reveals she actually came to speak with him, "Whitelighter to part-Whitelighter." They sit, and she gets right to the point. If the Dolt as a Whitelighter can sense his charges, it follows that he can sense "good." Is it possible then that she as part-Whitelighter can sense Eeevil? Perhaps, notes the Dolt, despite her flawed logic. He asks her what gives. She fills him in on Manse Finn and her futile attempt to interest Piper and Phoebe in the possible nefarious goings-on therein. The Dolt correctly surmises that Raige wishes he would speak with the other two Ps on her behalf. He promises to do so when he "can sense their minds are in the right spot." Raige thanks him as Phoebe barrels through the front door. "Dammit!" Phoebe hollers, slamming the door behind her. "Now would not be a good time," quoth the Dolt. Shut it, moron.
Raige and the Dolt rise to join Phoebe in the hall. There, Phoebe rails about the failed job interview for a moment before asking Raige why she's not at her own place of employment. Raige introduces Feebs to the concept of "lunch breaks," then admits upon Phoebe's prodding that her visit is Finn-related. Phoebe demands to know if Raige has gathered further information about the Manse. She hasn't, but the Dolt takes Raige's side. "I think it's worth checking out," the Dolt opines. Raige smiles at him. Phoebe "mmm hmmms" for a moment, then proposes they investigate Raige's suspicions immediately. Raige can't, as she has to return to her office, but offers to meet up with Phoebe and the Dolt at the Manse at four o'clock that afternoon. She summons a pen and a pad of paper. They orb over into her outstretched palm, much to her juvenile delight. Raige jots down the address, then promises to catch them both later. After she exits, Phoebe asks the Dolt if he really believes Eeevil lurks within Manse Finn. The Dolt tells her that's not the issue -- Raige thinks so, and therefore they should "support" her. Phoebe moves to the stairs to head up to her boudoir for a quick change, as she intends to explore the Manse right away. The Dolt offers to accompany her. To the Manse, perverts, not to her boudoir. She waves him off, assuring him she'll be fine. Not.
Quick cut to a black t-shirt spray-painted across a rack. The rack is attached to an auburn-haired model, and the t-shirt sports a glittery silver circle, over which is written "The Spot" in hot pink. The bearer of the rack sashays out of the frame as Treat whoops, "Now, that's what I'm talkin' about," or some such nonsense to Piper. Piper clenches: "You're changing the name of the club?" He is, as focus groups revealed that people thought P3 indicated a parking garage level. Snerk. ["I've always thought that too, myself." -- Sars] Piper patiently explains the true meaning of the moniker, then gives up, acquiescing to Treat. "It's just another change" she supposes she'll have to get used to. Treat asks, "You cool?" about three hundred times. Piper answers each with a grunt of assent before the scene finally cuts to Manse Finn. Again, this subplot is wasting my time -- why, exactly? It can't possibly be Beat's "appealing" "charisma," for what he's displayed thus far is neither. And we all know Piper's going to fire Beat's worthless ass before the evening is over, right? So can we just drop this crap now? Please? Huh? Pleeeease? Okay, I'll stop whining. For now.
Manse Finn. Eddy Gein peers through the slats of his lair to stare at the front door. Outside on the porch, Phoebe raps on the glass one more time, then turns to leave. The door creaks open of its own accord behind her. Phoebe wigs for a moment, then turns to enter, muttering to herself, "Oh, come on, Phoebe. Show a little spine." See what they did there? "Little spine"? You'll get it. Trust me. She enters as the camera does this weird pull-back shot that initially moves slowly away from the door, then quickly speeds up to allow for a full-frame view of the Manse's facade. Inside, Phoebe cautiously eases her way into what might once have been the living room. There's a darkened 1960s-era television in there, at any rate. She calls out, "Hello?" and "Anybody home?" as Eddy pants and leers from his lair. She lifts a conveniently-placed Figurine Of Torment and is flung into a black-and-white vision. Finn, smiling over a beer in a bar as he turns to face the camera. The facade of the Manse, moving closer to the camera in three jerky steps. The front door creaking open. Flames. Lots and lots of flames. Phoebe gasps as the vision releases her, dropping the Figurine Of Torment as she does so. It shatters on the bare floorboards. Eddy screams, leaping from his lair with what appears to be the business end of a fire hose in his left hand. He clamps his right hand down on the back of the device and a blue bolt arcs out the front. The bolt slams into Phoebe around her clavicle, and she shrinks down to a five-inch version of herself on the floor to her discarded purse. You can get your minds out of the gutter, by the way. Her clothes shrink right along with her. Phoebe, oddly reminiscent of Michael Jackson doing helium whip-its, whines, "Uh-oh." Eddy Gein menaces from on high. Phoebe looks around, then scampers out to commercial.
I trust you all just screamed? Excellent.
Eddy's sweaty face fills the screen as he shuts a door to the living room. "Where are you?" he croons. "You can't have gone that far." Phoebe peers around the leg of a chair. She whimpers for the Dolt, but gets no response. Eddy, meanwhile, has retrieved a flashlight and sweeps its beam across the floor. Phoebe stupidly emerges from her hiding place long enough for Eddy to spot her in the light. She dashes towards a sofa as Eddy grunts and lunges to the floor, grasping for her. She levitates above his hand to hide behind the couch. "We'll see how long you last," he promises. Eddy rises to his feet and disappears. Phoebe glances up in time to see him shuffle backwards into the frame, dragging a huge industrial vacuum. Snort. This image of overkill should be enough, but Phoebe ruins the moment by breathily intoning, "This sucks." No, sweetie. You suck. And shut up. She darts behind the couch as Eddy starts the motor.
Cut to Raige and the Dolt, orbing into a storeroom of P3. What, you think I'm going to call it The Spot? Get over yourself. They approach Piper as Raige moans about the orbing turning her stomach. "What's with the white gauze?" asks the Dolt when they reach his wife, indicating Beat's swags of chiffon. "It's worse than Up There." The Dolt, criticizing his homeland's decor? Where did this come from? Piper refers all critiques of the new look to Beat, then asks what brought them there. Raige and the Dolt arrived at Manse Finn at the appointed hour, but no Phoebe was to be found. Piper thought they agreed not to investigate Manse Finn. Raige confesses that she took the matter up with the Dolt. Piper bitches, "So you went behind my back to ask [the Dolt]?" No, Piper, she didn't go behind your back. She went over your head. The Dolt defends Raige, reminding Piper that he's Raige's guardian as well. Piper allows that perhaps it was "a smart thing to do as a witch, but an annoying thing to do as a sister." From this discussion, it seems as if this episode was originally to air before "Hell Hath No Fury." Didn't they resolve this tension between Piper and Raige then? Anyway, Piper asks the Dolt if he can sense Phoebe's presence anywhere, but he is forced to admit that "she's dropped to the tiniest blip" on his "radar." Then the correct answer to Piper's question would be yes, you do know where Phoebe is. Right, Dolt? Wanker. Piper gathers up her jacket to travel to Manse Finn with the others. As the three head up the stairs, two more guys from the set crew accidentally-on-purpose drop the neon P3 sign. It crashes to the floor, all shattered tubing and sparking circuits. "It doesn't matter," Piper sighs passive-aggressively. "P3 doesn't exist anymore." Raige, standing in front of Piper, darts her eyes to her left as if to say, "Bitch did not just say what I think she said, did she?" The Dolt glances uneasily at Raige, then turns to go. Piper yanks on her jacket and exits, leaving Raige to stand alone at the foot of the stairs. She gazes at the ruined sign for a few seconds with an expression of hurt and betrayal and resignation and disappointment. Surprisingly nice moment from Rose McGowan, I must admit.
Manse Finn. Phoebe clings to the valence at the foot of the sofa as Eddy attempts to suck her into his enormous vacuum. Yes, she's yodeling. Finn enters, distracting Eddy for a moment. Phoebe takes advantage of the break in the vacuuming to catch her breath. Finn's hair isn't nearly as crispy as it was at the beginning of the episode. It's now doing a pompadour flip thing over his forehead that makes him look even more like Chris Isaak than he did before. Finn asks Eddy what he intends to do to Phoebe once he catches her. "The same thing you did to the other one?" Phoebe continues to hoot and yodel as she clings to the valance. Eddy angrily flicks off the vacuum to snarl at Finn, ordering him to cram it with the questions. Finn's mention of the Benz Clone, however, has given Eddy an idea. He disappears into another room as we shift to a Phoebe POV of Finn trailing along after Eddy. She darts across the frayed carpeting to hide once again behind the leg of a chair. She notes that Finn left the door ajar upon his entrance, and prepares to flee through it. She glances over at Eddy to make sure he's nowhere near. Eddy's at a shelf, upon which stands a miniaturized version of the Benz Clone, glazed in a grey material I take to be clay. Her hair is matted down with it, and it clings to her face and neck like a second skin. Suddenly, the reasoning behind the decision to delay airing this episode becomes clear. The Benz Clone's hands are trapped at her sides by a thicker coating of clay that flares out to form a skirt. Eddy places a finger to his lips, warning Finn to remain silent. Phoebe peers up at the Benz Clone and locks eyes with her. Faintly, the Benz Clone whispers, "Help me!" through jaws she is barely able to move. Phoebe goggles. Finn notices the open door, and skitters across the floorboards in his pointy-toed boots to slam it shut. Phoebe silently settles on a plan of action, and moves out of the frame.
Out on the street, Piper, Raige, and the Dolt arrive at the Manse in the Halliwell SUV. They evaluate their options. Piper suggests ringing the bell and freezing whomever answers. The Dolt reminds her that she is as apt to blow up whomever answers as she is to freeze them, confirming that this episode was to air earlier in the season. Piper's since fixed that little glitch. Piper then suggests that the Dolt orb into the living room. The Dolt nixes this as well, as they can't be certain Finn isn't just some normal guy in a whacked-out house. Without ensuring that Finn is possessed of a demonic nature, the Dolt risks exposing the gang needlessly. Raige has an idea. Since she already has a passing acquaintance with the gentleman in question, she proposes to lure him out of his Manse so that Piper and the Dolt can be free to make with the breaking and entering. Piper tries to shoot this one down, as they can't run the risk of Raige gallivanting about town with a hot piece of ass who might coincidentally be a dark demonic force sent from the flaming maw of Hell to destroy them all. She looks to the Dolt to back her up. The Dolt unpleasantly surprises her by agreeing to Raige's proposed course of action. Piper reluctantly and bitchily acquiesces, instructing Raige to take Finn to P3 until she and the Dolt have had a chance to check out the Manse. Raige agrees, and whips out a lollipop. "What's that for?" wonders Piper. "Allure," Raige responds. She proceeds to fellate the candy. Raige then bounces out of the car. "Do not go into that house," Piper warns darkly. Raige ignores her. "Did you hear me?" Piper spits. "I said, 'Donotgoin!'" Raige blithely makes her way up the walk. Piper whips back into her seat. "It is like talking to a wall!" "She's got the Halliwell hearing," notes the Dolt. Piper snaps her head around to gape at him. It's a sad state of affairs when the Dolt gets some of the best lines.
Indoors, Phoebe makes her way over to the wall beneath the shelf. She levitates all the way up. Because of her size, she has to make swimming motions through the air to propel herself. It's the breaststroke, like you needed to ask. Once she lands on the shelf, she babbles a bit about nearly being able to fly because of her reduced size. Benz Clone shoots her a look as if to say, "Stop nattering, freak, and get me the hell out of here." Phoebe looks down from her perch to find Eddy futzing with the kiln. She turns her attention back to the Benz Clone and instructs her to close her eyes and remain relaxed. Phoebe boots the hardened clay skirting. The clay form around the woman shatters and drops to the shelf floor. The Benz Clone snipers a bit, but Phoebe catches her in her arms. "You can collapse later," Phoebe says. "I need you to run now." Run? Run where? You're five inches high on a foot-long shelf six feet off the ground. Dimwit. "We gotta go before Gammill sees us," Phoebe continues. Someone kindly beat the continuity editor with an ugly stick. While Eddy's name is indeed Gammill, no one discovers this until after the commercial break. In any event, Phoebe's a little late with the warning. Eddy's sweaty head rises up above the shelf at that moment. He slams a rusted, empty coffee can down over the two tiny women as they squeal. Turning to Finn, he slimes, "I knew a witch couldn't resist saving an innocent." Finn's growing more and more uncomfortable with the situation. As the two men stare each other down, Raige comes a-knocking at the front door. Eddy orders Finn to lure her into the Manse. The actor playing Finn, totally out of his depth against Robert Englund, meekly bleats, "Maybe we should just let them all go." "Since when did you develop a conscience?" Eddy sneers. "I never gave you one. Now, go! Fetch!" Thus browbeaten, Finn reluctantly heads to the front porch.
Eddy turns back to the coffee can, flicking it with his index finger. He slides it off the shelf onto a carving board, then drops the tiny women into the unlit kiln. Phoebe rises to her feet on the tiles immediately, but the Benz Clone remains prone, as if stunned by the fall. Eddy slams the kiln shut as we cut to Finn opening the front door. Raige continues to pleasure the lollipop. She removes it from her mouth long enough to pout, "Remember me? The girl with the melons?" Ew! Ew ew ew ew ew! The filthy fornication habits of the endangered San Francisco heterosexual, tonight on Animal Planet. When Finn wonders what brings her to the Manse, Raige explains that she's a modern kinda gal. When she see something she wants, she gives it a blowjob. Actually, she claims she "[goes] for it," but she punctuates this with a lewd suck on the lollipop. This would be somewhat amusing in that "Gay, Golem -- They All Want Blowjobs" way if it weren't so terribly disturbing. But I think I'm getting ahead of myself. "Are you always this aggressive with guys?" Finn asks, bemused. "Only the ones that I like," she responds. Given her slatternly manner at the moment, Finn could be forgiven if he interprets "the ones that I like" to mean "any male mammal with a pulse." He invites her in. She hesitates. Eddy peers through the slats in the wall and pants. Finn asks her again, and again she hesitates. Raige glances back over her shoulder to the SUV. Down in the car, Piper hisses, "Don't. Do it!" From his lair Eddy counters, "Do it!" Raige takes Finn's hand. Finn suddenly changes his mind. "On second thought, let's just go out." We get an Eddy POV as Finn eases the front door shut behind him. Piper and the Dolt watch as Raige and Finn shoot off down the street on his bike.
Eddy stalks over to the kiln, making slimy threatening noises. He stops short when he hears the shimmery sound of orbing behind him, then darts back into his hidden lair as Piper and the Dolt appear in the living room. Phoebe immediately slaps her hands against the glass of the oven, shouting her sister's name. The sound, alas, is too dim to carry. Piper and the Dolt split up to search the lower level. As she pads gently through the room, Piper's foot crunches down on the remains of the Figurine Of Torment Phoebe dropped earlier. Piper turns to a shuttered hutch and opens the doors. She finds therein row after row of Figurines Of Torment, each with a little name card in front of it. We get close-up shots of five of them, and while the hairstyles vary from Lady Bird to Goth Chick to Homecoming Princess, each has the same unnatural tilt to her head and black voids for eyes. The Dolt cautions Piper against touching the figurines, and heads upstairs to search there. Piper strides slowly past the kiln, still unaware of Phoebe's shouts. From behind the wall, Eddy brandishes a switchblade as Piper approaches. She peers through the slats, but sees nothing. The Dolt comes back in to announce that there's nothing to be found on upper level. He suggests they return to the Manor to consult the Book of Shadows. Piper blathers something about the possible need for the Power of Three before the two orb out. "Well, well. The Power of Three," Eddy oozes after they depart. He lifts the lid to the kiln to smarm at Phoebe, "So you're not just a witch, but a Charmed One. Nothing will make me happier than to collect you all." Eddy's grasping palm closes in on the camera lens as we cut to commercial.
Back from the break, Eddy places the freshly-clayed forms of Phoebe and the Benz Clone upon the shelf to dry. Should I mention the creepy, red-hatted statuette of a gnome he has in the kitchen? Gnomes bother me, is all. Eddy sneers something about placing the tiny women in the fiery kiln once the coating has hardened, then exits the Manse with the promise to return when his "collection has been completed." Phoebe takes this opportunity to blather about what a lousy day she's been having, what with the failed job interview and being shrunk and getting coated with clay to end up in an oven and all. The Benz Clone grunts as if to say, "You're telling me this for what purpose, exactly?" Word to the Benz Clone. Phoebe promises to free them, but the words come with increasing difficulty as the clay hardens around her jaw.
Manor attic. The Dolt stumbles upon Eddy's entry in the BoS. It reads, "Gammill, a.k.a. 'The Collector,' is known for his passion of [sic] collecting one-of-a-kind figurines. Thirty years ago a witch cast a spell to make him as hideous on the outside as he was on the inside." The Dolt and Piper briefly discuss the pathology behind one's desire to collect Hummel figurines. Snicker. They muse further over the entry, which they both agree is pretty much useless. The drawings accompanying the text are of Gammill before and after the witch's curse. The before image supposedly looks an awful lot like Finn, leading Piper to wonder if Gammill found some way to shake off the curse and change his name. The Dolt guesses that the only person who can provide the answer to that question is Finn himself. Piper frets for a moment over Raige being alone with a demon. The Dolt reminds Piper that Raige dragged said demon to P3, and how much havoc can he wreak there?
Chez Raige. The lady of the house enters, followed by Finn. Oops! Not. Finn compliments Raige on her studio. She comments on how small it is compared to the Manse. He reveals that this is his first time ever in a conquest's apartment. Finn leans in to kiss Raige. She pulls back, however, as she has a question about the Manse. Finn becomes agitated and crosses to the sofa, for he wasn't expecting this. Now, if she had a question about the combination of sexually transmitted diseases her slutty paramour must be harboring, he'd be prepared to answer. Presumably. For he is, indeed, a slut. Raige pleads with him to confess what he knows, as her sister might be in danger. Finn rises to brush past her, then turns to admit it was only recently he began to question his living arrangement himself. "Question who?" Raige asks. Finn fills her in on Gammill. "He made me," he explains. "'Made you'? What, is that, like, a Mafia term?" It could be a reference to a pimp/prostitute relationship, Raige, but I suppose we're firmly in the realm of the supernatural at this point, so I'll shut up. Finn sighs and yanks his shirttail out of his jeans. He asks for Raige's hand and places it on his rock-hard abs. "You feel that? I'm not like you." Of course not. Raige doesn't have a six-pack. Raige breathes, "Oh, my God," as we cut to P3.
Pardon me, "The Spot," as the enormous and tacky neon sign reveals. Beat's turned the club into an unholy cross between Coyote Ugly and Hooters. Pneumatic waitresses jiggle on the bar while a variety of lowlifes bounce around the dance floor. I'm certain there are buffalo wings involved somehow. Piper and the Dolt enter, with Piper, naturally, coming perilously close to a stroke. "Look at the waitresses!" she howls, then adds, "No, don't look." She covers the Dolt's eyes with the palm of her hand. He shrugs that off, and, tilting his head, wonders, "Can you do that in public?" Ha. Ha. Not. Piper orders him to find Raige while she heads off in search of Beat. A bouncer stops her, telling her she can't enter the "VIP Lounge." She threatens to fire him or something as Beat pops up in the background to drag her in, nattering about the "fly crowd." Piper discovers from Beat that Raige was there earlier, but left because of the noise. Piper yanks the Dolt out of a writhing skank sandwich on the dance floor and pulls him behind a love seat off to the side. The two orb up out of the club and over to Chez Raige.
Piper and the Dolt orb in to Raige's kitchenette. Finn stands with his back to them, shirtless. The lady of the house is on her knees before him. Outraged, Piper shouts her sister's name. Raige pops her head around Finn's hip to pipe, "What are you doing here?" Piper's jaw drops to the floor as the Dolt intently studies smudges of dirt on the kitchen cabinets. "This is ridiculous!" Piper exclaims. "It's like dealing with a teenager!" Piper? We all know you yourself freeze you-know-who to perform ungodly acts of you-know-what on far-too-frequent a basis, so cram it. Raige rises to her feet, casually announcing that she was just "examining something." Snerk. I know, it's tawdry. But still. Snicker. Piper yells at Raige for leaving the club to "play doctor with the demon boy." Finn's expression betrays his objection to that characterization. "He has no bellybutton!" Raige rages, cutting through Piper's customary bitching. They left P3 to return to Chez Raige because P3 now "sucks." "Anytime you try to be that hip, it ain't hip," Raige explains. Dude, that wasn't "hip" at all. It looked like Bada Bing with trashier customers and swags of white chiffon. Raige notes further that Finn lacks a navel "because he wasn't born." Finn confirms this; he was made from clay. "In Gammill's own image," the Dolt surmises. "He must be a Golem." Oy. At Piper's prompting, Finn details Gammill's M.O. He calls the fire-hose-thingy a "wand," and warns that Gammill will be certain to shrink them all should they return to the Manse. Learning that Gammill still trusts Finn, Piper formulates a plan. Finn will enter the Manse first to distract Gammill while the others ransack the place for Phoebe. Raige objects to using Finn as "a minesweeper," as he is, after all, an innocent. Piper drags Raige to one side to bicker. Piper insists that Finn can't be an innocent because he's not "real," and they need to use him to save Phoebe. Raige counters that they should return to the Manor with Finn in protective custody to search for a vanquish in the BoS. Piper turns to the Dolt, demanding he break the stalemate. The Dolt refuses. The problem as he sees it is that Piper will not consider Raige's ideas, while Raige refuses to follow Piper's advice. His solution to this conundrum? He orbs out, leaving the two to hiss and scratch at each other in a time of crisis. Loser.
As Finn stands off to the side, admiring Raige's small collection of decorative ceramics (snort), Piper and Raige snarl at each other for a bit before agreeing to flip a coin on the matter. Piper calls heads. Raige flips the coin manually, then surreptitiously flips it again with her orbing telekinesis to ensure it ends up tails. Piper reluctantly agrees to return to the Manor. Once there, Finn shyly asks, "Can I get a glass of water? My skin feels a little dry." Hee! Raige directs him to the kitchen, and he heads off down the hall. As he reaches the foot of the stairs, a red bolt slams into his back from off-screen. Finn drops to his knees to explode in a shower of sparks and smoke. Raige and Piper gasp in shock and horror. Gammill emerges from the parlor to zap them with his wand, and the two shrink to the carpet. Piper, oddly reminiscent of Michael Jackson doing helium whip-its, squeals, "Uh-oh." Commercial.
Manse Finn. The camera pans across the shelf in the kitchen to take in the be-clayed forms of Raige, Piper, Phoebe, and the Benz Clone. Gammill snaps off a rubber glove and crosses to retrieve the Benz Clone from the shelf. Sweat streams in rivulets down the side of his face. "Time to fire up the kiln," he croons before adding, "You're ," and pointing to the Ps. He crosses to the oven and twists a handle at the bottom. Flames shoot up from the pipes behind the filthy isinglass. "At least we came for you," Piper begins. Phoebe grunts in irritation. Piper asks Phoebe if she's able to recite a vanquish. Phoebe's jaw, however, has clenched shut due to the clay. They really should do this to her more often. Piper suggests that Raige run through their options. "Options?" Raige snorts as derisively as she can through her mask. "We have two: We're screwed, and we're more screwed." Piper finds this observation less than helpful. She can't blow up the clay that surrounds her, as she can't move her hands. Raige, however, can orb. Even though this allows her merely to disappear momentarily, only to reappear in the same place, her brief absence might be enough for the still-wet skirting to collapse. Don't bother mentioning that scene two weeks ago wherein Raige orbed from one side of Piper Possessed to the other. Remember, this was supposed to air right after after the premiere. Raige whines that she can't orb at will. Piper urges her to try. "Close your eyes, and take a deep breath," she instructs. "Feel the magic rising from a place of strength." I hate it when they spout Wiccan drivel.
Raige presently orbs out, the clay form collapses, and Raige orbs back in amidst the ruins. She quickly frees the other Ps as Gammill prepares to place the Benz Clone in the kiln. Piper tries to freeze him, but finds "he's too big for [her] little magic." Raige suggests that she summon his "wand" from its place on the table beneath them. Now that we get a good look at the instrument, it looks more like a small telescope than anything else, but whatever. Phoebe and Piper think this is worth a try, but caution her to be as quiet as possible so as not to attract Gammill's attention. Raige calls for the wand twice, but her voice is too soft. Phoebe hisses, "Go for it!" Raige shouts, "Wand!" and it orbs over to the shelf. Gammill, having heard this last call, dives for his weapon but is seconds too late. The gals on the shelf aim the business end in his direction. Raige claims they "need a spark" to set the thing off. Piper announces she can handle that, and does something to the back end that leads to blue bolts ramming through the air to slam into Gammill's chest. No, I don't know what Piper did to activate it, and I bet if you asked Holly Marie Combs, she wouldn't be able to give you an answer either. Gammill shrinks to the floor. We get a close-up of Gammill, and Robert Englund, oddly reminiscent of Michael Jackson doing helium whip-its, squeaks, "Uh-oh." He turns to bolt across the bare floorboards, but Piper freezes him. Phoebe used her time in the clay cast to compose a vanquish, which the three recite:
Small of mind, big of woe,
The pain you caused
You now will know.
Gammill howls and wails and twists and stretches and disappears through a crack in the floor. Small beams of light shoot outwards along the crack, followed by a puff of smoke. In a terribly crappy blue-screen effect, we get a middle-distance shot of the ladies on the shelf as they increase rapidly in size. The increased weight causes the shelf to tilt sideways before it falls to the floor. The Ps, as one unit, rotate ninety degrees to fall to the floor after the shelf. Meanwhile, the clay form of the Benz Clone glows. The Glamorous Ladies rise from the floor, brushing excess soot, ash, and powder from their clothes. The Benz Clone, restored to her former height, enthuses, "Wow! How did you do that?" "The Power of Three," perks Phoebe. "The Power of Point-Three," Piper corrects, squinting through the air between her posed thumb and forefinger. Am I supposed to find that amusing after an evening of blowjob jokes? Because I'm just not seeing the humor. The gals giggle. The Benz Clone's expression says it for me: Shut up, gals.
Oh, look! The Whitss have made their triumphant return to P3 just in time for the Weekly Summation. Piper slides through the crowd to join Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt near the stage. All of the clothes are horrible, which is a shame. Up until this point, I had no problems with this evening's wardrobe choices. Piper's wearing a dumpy red blouse that makes it look like her breasts have migrated to her waist. Phoebe's chosen an Eva Braun crown of braids to top an ensemble consisting of a sky-blue-and-periwinkle waistless shift more appropriate for an inmate in an asylum. Raige sports a dark green, backless, sleeveless, braless throwback to seventies skank power. The foursome retreats to the throw pillows that temporarily take the place of their usual table to hash over the day's events. Piper's decided to fire Beat. Since we knew this would happen as soon as we saw him, let's move this along. Raige is somewhat depressed. The last time she was at the club, she was in the company of a boy whose earthly remains are now ground into the hallway carpet until Piper decides to get the rug steam-cleaned. How can the elder Ps deal with the constant loss? "Sometimes the good comes with a little sadness," Piper explains. Basically, you just get used to it, so shut up and deal already. Thanks, Piper. Phoebe remarks that the day-long mud mask has left her skin looking "fabulous." Piper notes that, now that she's been miniaturized, she'll "never complain about [her] height again." Nor will she distrust Raige's instincts, either, she adds pointedly. The Dolt dolts that there is only one thing left to do. He rises to his feet to escort the gals out to the alleyway.
"[Dolt], what are you looking for?" Raige asks as they emerge from the back door. The Dolt leads them over to the shattered P3 sign from earlier. "Broken glass?" Raige continues. The Dolt corrects her. "Broken glass that needs healing." Remember all the way back at the beginning of the episode, when the Dolt said they didn't lock the doors to Halliwell Manor because dark demonic forces would just break them down anyway and it would cost a fortune to keep repairing them? Yeah, well, explain this, asshole. You can "heal" a cheap neon sign, but you can't be bothered to apply that special tingly touch to the shattered fixtures and antiques at the Manor? Bite me. The Dolt asks Piper for her permission, mindful of her uncalled-for and insulting outburst when the sign was initially destroyed. She gives her assent, and the Dolt "heals" the sign. He beams at the trio in the neon glow. Shut up, Dolt. Piper allows gently, "Well, it looks like P3's back." Really? How'd they slip that one past me? Phoebe affectionately nudges Raige, who smiles in return as we fade to black.
Thursday, Raige discovers she had a wicked past life. You know, like Phoebe did in "Pardon My Past"? Only Raige's past life was in the Middle Ages rather than the Roaring Twenties, so this episode is, like, totally different from anything you've ever seen before. Until week, kids.