Episode Report Card Gustave: C | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Kiefer un-klad
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 19 | Aired on 2003.04.15
The time is 02:38:11 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Bi-Carrie-ous is working her neck injury, Kiefer is ridiculed and mocked by Romans, forced to wear a crown of thorns and carry a cross up a mountain surrounded by thieves and other common criminals…oh, by the way, Happy Easter…and Rolaide walks really really fast through the hallway of Division. She approaches PMHC, and they walk wordlessly into a conference room. Hey, how much space does Division have that they can just hold all of these rooms used exclusively by the President and his cabinet? But then, how are they torturing Kiefer at Doc In The Box, without anyone thinking that something was amiss with these three men, who look like they're doing security for Helmut Lang and who have stripped a guy naked and are slicing him up with medical instruments? I think tonight's lesson is -- as with most Bible stories -- largely about the virtues of hospitality. Anyway, PMHC tells Rolaide he found out that the Vice President is meeting with cabinet members. They both assume it's about the President's decision to call off the attack. PMHC says that he is secretly meeting with a guy named Jesper Isberg, a Defense Department official who has information. Rolaide wants to know when and where they're meeting. PMHC doesn't want to tell her. "PMHC, I'm the one who brought you into this and I want to know what's going on firsthand before we take this to the President," says Rolaide. PMHC tells her about a storage room on the fifth floor. He tells her to meet him up there.
CTU. A CTU medical whatever practitioner examines Bi-Carrie-ous's neck, and Soul Patch crutches over to where Bitchelle is crying quietly to herself in the corner. Bitchelle lies and says she's on her way to IT to access that Whatever Software. "But IT is that way," says Soul Patch, pointing in the opposite direction. Bitchelle needs a moment. The day has finally gotten to her. Soul Patch comforts her, and before you know it, they are kissing. Oh, and then Bi-Carrie-ous enters. What a wacky hospital! Oh, and Bi-Carrie-ous is there because Chappelle is looking for Soul Patch. Aw! Father Phil is back.
Okay, I've seen this video at a gay bar in the East Village. It was directed by John Rutherford for Falcon, and Tom Chase starred in it. Not that I watch gay porn or anyway. Kiefer's naked body is suspended by his chained wrists. He roasts like a wild animal as TeutonicTortureDude continues to make incisions in his body. Wow, this is like that Lifetime movie about cutting. Except it's way creepier. Kiefer continues to make goofy faces around the toilet paper roll, which only makes me want to take this scene less seriously. Jeez, now he's channeling that guy Reuben Kincaid from The Partridge Family. Oh, and this move is totally cold. TeutonicTortureDude takes a sip from his clear plastic bottle of expensive mineral water, and holds it up to Kiefer like he's doing a fucked-up magic show. He then heats a blade with a blowtorch and demonstrates how he can melt the plastic of his bottle with it. Then he sticks it into Kiefer. Kiefer's eyes bulge, and he moans loudly and shakes like Ellen Burstyn getting electroshock therapy at the end of Requiem for a Dream. Stop it! I can't take this scene seriously. Get him a better gag! Preferably in black. And get rid of this toilet paper roll. Nevertheless, José -- or maybe Luis -- interrupts to inform TTD that he may kill Kiefer if he's not kareful. "Don't ever touch me again," says TeutonicTortureDude coldly. Wow! What are you saying? Could TeutonicTortureDude have issues? I'd never have guessed. You know, sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much. And I have to stare at him intensely until my cell phone rings. TeutonicTortureDude answers his phone. It's EvilChrisElliott, wanting to know if Kiefer's given up the chip yet. Hey, EvilChris? Torture takes time. Just read A Man by Oriana Fallaci if you don't believe me. "Get me that chip, TeutonicTortureDude!" says EvilChrisElliott. "I will," says TeutonicTortureDude.