Episode Report Card Demian: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex And The Single Dolt
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 16 | Aired on 02.21.2004
The second we're gone, Big Gay Chris flickers into the alleyway, and I'm guessing he didn't reappear until now because it took The Stupid Dolt Sperm that long to find the appropriate egg. Big Chris immediately and ecstatically pumps both of his fists into the air with joy while shouting, "Yessss! I'm back!" Oh, Chris. You're so cute when you're trying to be butch. "Wait," Phoebe splutters. "How is that possible?" "Don't ask me," Chris shrugs. "Ask them." Before anyone present gets to quiz Piper and the Dolt on their recent bout of Crisis Sex, the Dolt collapses to the ground. Raige scampers over to orb both Piper and the Dolt over to Gideon, who is apparently the only person around who can heal him.
A hill. Alcatraz. The Golden Gate Bridge. The Dolt stands high above the traffic whizzing by on the deck below as Gideon orbs in beside him and wow! BORING! The Dolt pouts about heading to Whitelighterland permanently. Gideon wastes precious oxygen speechifying about the necessity of sacrifice, or some such bullshit. The Dolt caves and orbs upwards. Gideon broods. Yawn.
P3. Magical Black Clarence sneaks up on Big Gay Chris in the club's office, but he's just there to wish Chris well, and to remind him that he's "been given a second chance." "Don't waste it," Magical Black Clarence adds before turning to flare out, never to be seen again. Big Gay Chris gazes thoughtfully after him. Big Gay Chris also has a big old hateful rainbow on his button-down shirt. Hee. It's like this whole episode has been one giant shout-out to me. Brad, you shouldn't have. No really, you shouldn't have, because I'm still giving it a B.
Manor. Piper, clad in a lovely loose-fitting brown silk blouse with her hair done up in a decidedly mother-like fashion that adds about ten years to her apparent age, watches the littlest Psycho sleep for a very long moment before easing the nursery door shut and returning to her boudoir. Therein she finds an antsy Phoebe and Raige. "What's goin' on?" she asks, a bit surprised. "Maybe you should sit down for a second," Phoebe begins. "Oh, that doesn't sound good," Piper warily states, easing herself into a chair. Phoebe, by the way, is sporting a t-shirt emblazoned with a star-spangled "Yankee Doodle" logo that I keep misreading as "Skankee Doodle." Wonder why. "No, it's good!" Phoebe hastily assures her, before amending that statement with, "I mean, it's not bad." "Well, I think it's a really good thing," she clumsily finishes. "Don't you?" she nudges Raige, who instantly perks, "Yeah! Er…I mean, it depends." "Uh-huh," Piper eyebrows, "that sounds worse. Why don't you guys just tell me what's going on?" Phoebe and Raige glance at each other before Phoebe concedes, "Raige and I know what happened between you and the Dolt last night." Piper nearly pops a blood vessel in her brain. "Excuse me?" she yowls. "Not because anybody told us or anything," Raige stammers with calming hands, "it's because of Chris." Piper, amusingly outraged at the thought of the big gay one peeping on them as the Dolt nailed her against a brick wall in that cold, dark alleyway on The Ghastly Plane, hoots, "Why…why would Chris know what happened last night?" "Because he wouldn't be here if it didn't," Phoebe explains. Piper blinks. Phoebe confesses that she and Raige knew all about Chris's big secret for a while, but they had no idea how to break "it" to Piper. "What?" Piper splutters, pretending she doesn't know where this is going. "Chris is your son," Raige finally blurts. "[The Psycho's] brother," Phoebe confirms. "Look, I know this is huge," she adds. Not as huge as Holly's freaking stomach. Just sayin'. "This is crazy," Piper counters, leaping to her feet, "because I'm not pregnant. I mean, how could that happen?" Her eyes widen as she realizes how stupid she's sounding, and she babbles, "I mean, I know how that could happen, but it…" She trails off as it sinks in. "Oh, what am I gonna do?" she wails. Phoebe gently suggests involving the Dolt, resulting in an instant cry of "I can't!" from Piper. Phoebe and Raige squint at each other, wondering why Piper wouldn't inform the Dolt he's got another son. Piper, unwilling to admit he dumped her gullible ass again, stammers, "Because…because I can't!"