Sex And The Single Dolt

S06E16

The Real Non-Existent Attic. Chris on! "I just saw Piper and [the Dolt]," he informs his aunts. Chris off!

The Ghastly Non-Existent Attic. Chris on! He hastily explains to the parentals that he's their only connection to Phoebe and Raige, and the latter need to know how to get Piper and the Dolt back to the real world. Chris off!

The Real Non-Existent Attic. Chris on! He babbles an explanation about the portal just as Gustave and Daniel darklight into the room. Phoebe and Raige spin around to confront my fellow recappers as the guys level their crossbows.

The Ghastly Non-Existent Attic. The Dolt wanders over to the non-existent windows as I adjust the little scope on my crossbow to aim directly at his chest. By the way, for the purposes of this POV through my scope, the production staff has decided to pretend that Piper's bedroom window leads into the attic. Assholes. Peeved, I squeeze off a shot. At the last minute, the stupid Dolt pivots to look back at Piper, and the arrow slices clean through his shoulder. He of course unleashes his patented Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment before dropping to the floor. Piper rushes to his side and drags him from the room as I smirk in triumph.

The Real Non-Existent Attic. Phoebe and Raige pop up from behind Aunt Pearl's settee to flip a couple of vials at Gustave and Stee, who pretend to blaze their merry way straight down to Hell. Phoebe instantly realizes that Piper has left the building. Meanwhile, Transparent Gay Chris grows ever fainter. He rather calmly bids them farewell as he fades out completely. Phoebe and Raige just stand there with mouths agape as the screen flares white and we bounce back to…

…The Ghastly Plane. Piper and the Dolt have returned to the alleyway, and the grievously injured Dolt now frets about finding the portal on their own. "What are you doing?" Piper asks, more concerned about his injury than her own safety. "Trying to save you," he gasps. "You mean, you're trying to save us," she replies. "Don't you?" The Dolt's silence unnerves her, so she forces him to sit down on a handy stoop and suggests that since the arrow blew straight through his body, he might be okay. "It'll just take longer," he reminds her. He exhorts her to keep trying to contact Phoebe and Raige, no matter what happens to him. Piper, not having it, and already brittle due to the stress of the situation, snaps, "Would you please stop trying to save me?" Her expression indicates that she's instantly sorry for letting that slip. The Dolt smiles sadly and whispers, "I'm sorry I got you into this." "Yeah," she cracks, averting her eyes, "one ordeal after another, right?" The Dolt gets misty and reaches out to touch her cheek as Piper bites her lower lip and begins to cry. "I never stopped loving you," he finally -- finally -- admits, and the legions of people who actually care about this relationship cheer as Piper dives in for a kiss. And by "the legions of," I mean "the three." The camera discreetly fades to black just as these two bozos hurl themselves into a bout of Crisis Sex right there in the cold, dark alley. Is this supposed to be romantic? I should have aimed for the fucker's skull.