Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 84 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT What We Need Right Now
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.29.2013
Eli: "It's a step up. You didn't do anything wrong, obviously because of this crazy rictus smile on my face it's a good thing! See my teeth? See my gleaming crazy eyeballs?"Mitch: "I'm talking to the Governor about this..."
Eli, stepping literally in front of her: "This was Peter's call, Marilyn. If he wanted to chat about it with you, he would have, Marilyn."
Mitch: "This is a stupid mistake you're making."
Eli: "Maybe. Goodnight now!"
If she was gay, that's what you should be doing. Ask her if she's gay, or if she would mind being gay. That's how you turn this around. We don't burn targets, we make 'em assets. "Oh, that gorgeous woman on the Governor's right? She's getting married to a lady next June. So sit on that, ya hoser."
Peter: "How did it go?"
Eli: "I was incandescent."
Peter: "She's right that we need a new Chief of Staff."
Eli: "She's not right about anything, she's anal."
Peter, verbatim: "Anal's what we need right now."
Eli: "You're tellin' me, sir."
Peter: "Lol. Maybe that should be the new state motto."
Peter: "Eli, can I ask you something? Will you do it?"
Eli: "Not since that Santa Claus statue in college have I..."
Peter: "No, you doofus, I mean will you be my Chief of Staff?"
Eli: "As if it's even possible for me to get even more into your clothes with you than I already am at all times. Plus, I am running your next campaign?"
Peter: "My next campaign is here, though. What I do in this office. So really it's just two jobs becoming one job."
Eli: "Okay but if I fuck up then that's two jobs I just lost."
Peter: "Plus Marilyn Garbanza will take us both the fuck out when she hears this."
(Somewhere the palms of Wendy Scott-Carr's hands start itching and she's like, "What is that motherfucker up to now? Crows! To me!" And a flock of ravens flies up to perch on her and they become a cloak and she tosses the hood up and heads out the door like, "Marilyn Garbanza, hang in there. I am coming and I am bringing all my shiny knives and smoky potions.")
LOCKHART & GARDNER
Diane: "So you going to this thing, or..."
Will: "Ugh, no way. I feel like Thor without his hammer."
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