Episode Report Card Sars: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Baby
By Sars | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 02.23.1998
Credits. J.Crew. Poodle in wood-chipper.
Outdoor Capeside scenes, just in case we forgot the ostensible location of the show and needed a lighthouse to jolt us back to Kevin Williamson’s version of reality. At Bessie’s Bastard Barn, "Where In The World Is" Bodie "Sandiego" asks after Bessie’s health, and Bessie complains that she feels "nauseous and swollen and irritable," and Bodie tells her to "look at the bright side" and reminds her that "in less than a week, this will all be over." Bessie, a green Popsicle in one hand and a book in the other, continues to kvetch, envying aloud the fruit bat’s gestation period of two months. Bodie pours himself a bowl of cereal and makes exaggerated "whatever, o pregnant one" faces. Nothing goes with muesli like Maalox, so mark those scorecards at six minutes - a new record. Bessie whines, "Why can’t I give birth to a fruit bat?" Joey, entering the kitchen, answers, "Because we’re about eighty percent sure you’re human." Like, ha ha. Not. Bessie glares at her and asks, "Do you still live here?" Joey grumbles, "Unfortunately," and asks Bodie about his interview, which he says will take place "today, after work -- that new French restaurant over in Hyannis." Bessie tells Joey that if she doesn’t like it at the Barn, "No one’s stopping you from moving out. In fact, in most states, you’d be considered an adult," and Joey snipes, "That’s funny, ‘cause you wouldn’t." Um, Joey? Shut up. Bessie frowns and whimpers, "Bodie," and Bodie tells Joey to take it easy on Bessie, and the sisters scowl at each other. Bodie promises Joey that Bessie will get back to her old self once the baby comes, and Joey groans, "That’s what I’m afraid of." And thus the writers set up The Scene Of Sisterly Dependability In Crisis. Yawn.
Grams "Revelation" Ryan straightens up Jen’s room, gathering various skimpy undergarments with an expression of patent distaste. As Jen walks in, Grams spots a calendar on the wall that features a man naked, and she gasps, "What in heaven’s name is this?" and Jen says, "A calendar, Grams," and Grams huffs, "It’s a filthy calendar," and Jen corrects her, "No, it’s an art calendar. And before you get apoplectic on me, these photographs happen to be hanging in some of the world’s finest art galleries." Um, "apoplectic"? Who wrote this episode, Charles Dickens? Grams responds, "I don’t care who’s hanging them -- in my house, we don’t ogle naked men." Jen teases her, "No, we pray to ‘em, right?" Um, Jen? I wouldn’t mind your jokes at the expense of Grams’s beliefs so much if they bore even the slightest resemblance to humor, but I can assure you that they don’t. In other words, shut up. Grams echoes my sentiments by spluttering, "Don’t you dare compare the two -- uch, my Lord, Jennifer, what has happened to you? To the little girl I used to know, who I took to Sunday school when she would come visit me each summer, and who once showed respect for the church and its teachings?" Jen squirms a bit before giving a less flip and combative answer than usual: "Well, she’s carefully considered all possible scenarios detailing a God-like source, and she’s found them unconvincing." Jen goes on to say that while she respects those who choose to believe in a higher being, she herself does not, and we’ve seen precious little evidence of that respect, but anyhow, Jen adds, "Simply put, Grams, [I] grew up." Grams says, suppressing a smile, "Perhaps. Perhaps she just thinks she did." Right on. Jen rolls her eyes resignedly as Grams bustles out, and so it came to pass that the writers prepared us for The Scene Of The Mutual Increase Of Respect.
Tamara "TaMAHra" Jacobs and Pacey "You Must Be This Tall To Ride The Ride" Witter chat next to TaMAHra’s midlife-crisis-mobile -- I mean, red convertible. Pacey invites TaMAHra to "go out this weekend." TaMAHra says, "That’s what we usually do, Pacey," and Pacey points out, "No, we don’t go out. We stay in," and bemoans the fact that they have to "lock the doors and close the blinds so that none of the townsfolk could possibly see us together." "Townsfolk"? Pacey ribs her, "I know you’re having trouble acknowledging the fact that we have a relationship, but you have to admit there’s something going on here." TaMAHra collects various books from the backseat and sighs, "Yes, there is something," but she smiles as she says it. "Right," Pacey says, "So you know what? I think we should start acting like it. Going out, in public, together -- it’d be great, like a real couple." TaMAHra calls this fantasy "hardly practical," and Pacey says they don’t have to go out in Capeside; they can drive down to Providence instead, because "nobody knows [them] down there." TaMAHra says nothing. Pacey asks again, "Will you go out with me, Miss Jacobs?" TaMAHra simpers.