It's going to be a double elimination tonight, and maybe you might have heard that One Direction is on the show as well. I'm probably the only person watching who's more excited about the former.
As usual, we get the high-speed replay of the night before, with added (but not value-added) reactions from the top ten backstage, including Sierra's tears at being called the weak link. And then we come back and Simon complains about how the other judges were too hard on his two acts. Which they weren't, and they say so, and Mario tools, "I see what you have to deal with, with the ladies." Shut up, Mario.
Then there's a clip package that's supposedly about how stressful the competition is for all the acts, and all the different ways they deal with it, but which is actually a deodorant infomercial. At least it's more subtle and less embarrassing than last week's shampoo travesty, plus the deodorant people are generous enough to be giving away a trip to see an X Factor taping. Second prize is of course two X Factor tapings.
Now it's time for the first elimination of the night. Mario presents the groups with their mentors standing on the four ends of the stage, intones "this...is it," and after a long pause announces that tonight the competition ends for Khaya Cohen. Not surprisingly. She takes it like a champ, and Demi tells her she's young and needs to keep singing. But now she's never going to get to perform with Simon's puppies week.
Mario introduces One Direction, who are apparently the biggest boy band in the world, in case you were wondering. I admit to being startled by the onscreen graphic that they've had 64 number-one hits, but then accurate onscreen numbers are something this show has had issues with in the past. So they come out and sing a sensitive, earnest ballad, and I'm sorry but I don't have a lot to say about One Direction that you probably don't already know. But in case you haven't heard of them, imagine if Fitz from Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. went through a cloning machine that could only spit out copies with fucked-up hair and you get the general idea. They fulfill their contractual obligation to the franchise and get a standing ovation from all four judges, so now they can look forward to One Direction Day on Saturday. Is it really that soon? Dear God, I nearly missed it.
Mario now re-presents the top nine with their mentors, telling us the names of the safe acts will be given in no particular order. And very, very, very…very…
…
…slowly.
But not by me. So the people who are safe are Rion Paige, Josh Levi, Alex & Sierra, Lillie McCloud and Jeff Gutt (which is good for Kelly), and Ellona Santiago. So Restless Road are left in suspense with Tim Olstad and Carlito Olivero, not to mention Paulina. Finally Mario reveals that Restless Road is safe (which is good for Simon), so this is a pretty embarrassing moment for Paulina's Boys category. And whichever one of the two she votes to send home.
The second final showdown of the season starts with Tim Olstad, whom Paulina describes in her intro as "multifaCETic." And he's here to prove to the haters that he's no Josh Groban by…singing a Josh Groban song. Okay, that's one way to go. I guess he's fighting back by showing that he's willing to give in and be exactly what they think he should be. And then he finishes it up with a petulant "so there" expression like he really wants to drop the mic but can't because…he's still Tim Olstad from Winona, Minnesota and who are we kidding here.
Paulina seems to have a better time introducing Carlito, and the audience certainly seems to have a better time cheering for him when he comes out. This isn't even going to be close. He's singing "Beneath Your Beautiful," and this is also some strategic zigging when we're expecting a zag. For a while now, they've been telling him to show off his confidence and swagger, so he's pulling some judo by coming off vulnerable instead. So when's the flight back to Winona?
After the ads, Mario gives the bottom two the chance to plead their case to the judges. Tim goes on about being the nervous, small-town boy who's learned so much. Even though he's visibly pissed. Carlito says he came from nothing and is going to keep fighting no matter what. Alas, this is not going to be settled by fighting, but by polling the judges. Mario starts polling the judges, beginning with Kelly. She appreciates the sincerity she saw from both of them tonight, but doesn't know who either of them is yet. And she's sending home Tim. Mario skips over Paulina and goes to Demi, who reluctantly sends home Tim as well. Paulina's the only one whose vote is in doubt, but Simon always gets to go last -- unless, as expected, Paulina gets rid of Tim as well. Paulina says they're both talented and great human beings, and goes on a while about how they should both stay. Finally, after rather an emotional display, a long, long pause, and some obnoxious throat-clearings, she finally puts Tim Olstad out of what's been passing for suspense by sending him home.
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Tim's farewell montage rolls, and like the rest of his tenure on the show it's extra embarrassing. It includes the whole sequence of Paulina's initial shitcanning of him earlier in the competition before bringing him back, Simon's zinger about Tim being like a singing funeral director. Sharper. And in the picture-in-picture, Tim is looking more pissed than ever, even as Paulina comes to join him on the stage. Minnesota boy gonna snap! See you on TMZ tomorrow, Tim.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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