The first thing we hear about tonight is how wonderful One Direction is, and how they owe their existence to The X Factor, and just give the U.S. version a few more years and maybe we'll come up with something like that, pleeease? In the meantime, One Direction will be slumming on this show tomorrow. If you missed that announcement, it'll be repeated plenty of times tonight. Incidentally, in keeping with the theme that the U.K. does everything better than the U.S., tonight is British Invasion night. Which is primarily in honor of Simon, he thinks. And then there's a lot of big talk about how much everyone wants this and the pressure's on and all the stuff you hear every damn week on every damn one of these shows.
With only ten acts left, that means there's more time for a big, bombastic entrance by the four judges. Mario tells us it's another double elimination week, which I always appreciate hearing. Mario asks Simon if tonight's theme won't be a major challenge for the acts and Simon is all, "Not really." Thanks for ratcheting the tension down a little there, Simon. We were all starting to get migraines.
Kelly starts off the actual competition by introducing Jeff Gutt. In his intro reel, he says that he misses his son, who after all is the one he's doing this for. Because, you know, if it weren't for that kid he has to raise, Jeff would be free to pursue his dream of becoming a tax accountant or an insurance salesman instead of some dumb rock star. Kelly told him that she picked one of the hardest songs ever written. "Bohemian Rhapsody?" Ding-ding-ding. She's not only trying to blast him out of his comfort zone with that one, she also sends him to get into the ring with her Hulk-like boxing trainer. So by the time he hits the stage he should be thoroughly terrified. He starts off the song perched in the Game of Thrones sword-chair (which dwarfs him, in addition to all the other ways its presence is completely distracting), surrounded by other giant set pieces that combine to make him look like a singing Lego minifig. If one was just listening and not watching, though, one might be able to get through the performance with a straight face, even if the song is -- by necessity of time constraints -- chopped up and pasted back together like a Picasso version of itself. But he gets through it! Paulina says it was powerful, aside from the musical transitions being "a little bit rough." Even she couldn't miss that. Demi calls it his best performance yet, and Simon heartily agrees. He does ask why Jeff hasn't yet made it at age 37, and Jeff is smart enough to answer that he has no idea. Demi pipes up that he's improved over the last year, until Simon shuts her down. Kelly puts a stop to their squabbling to tell him how proud she is, so Jeff never had to answer the question and probably never will. Mario reminds us that all the contestants have the same voting numbers for the duration of the competition, which will be great if they can just get the right numbers on the screen from now on.
Paulina introduces "Tim Olstad and his powerful… voice?" Tim had a rough week last week, so he decides he needs to take a risk… by playing the piano. He might be onto something there. What better way to downplay his lack of charisma than to get behind an instrument that hides anyone's charisma? He's going with "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" by Elton John, and unwisely gets up from the piano after the first verse. He is making an effort to be less tree-like in his stage presence, but since that appears to involve a lot of histrionic stomping and hand-flailing, it doesn't really work. Simon looks checked out early on, but Kelly says that Tim stepped it up a couple of notches this week. Demi actually thought he seemed sexy and Robin Thicke-like, which can't both be true. Simon tells him he's a singing hamster that the others want to be a singing lion, because he's more of a cabaret guy than a recording artist. Paulina latches onto how sexy Tim supposedly is, which Tim fixes in a hurry when he gets the chance to respond to their comments. Let's just say that is not sexy.
Mario has at least stopped dancing when we come back from ads. Or maybe he's just dancing like a British person, which is to say… not at all. Khaya Cohen is up , after last week's brush with elimination in the bottom two. Surprisingly, it was an experience she didn't care for. Demi Socratically gets her to admit that she's not likable, so she's trying to fix that with "Let it Be." Welcome to Khaya's therapy, everyone. So the song starts and now that Demi has brought everyone's attention to the subject of Khaya's likability or lack thereof, it's hard not to notice. And she seems to be addressing it by smiling more. This is all crap, of course, but she actually does a very good job with the song, starting slow and working her way up to some more of her trademark runs and Winehousing. Kelly loved it, but wants her to round out her vowels more, whatever that means. Paulina loves how into it Khaya gets at her age, and says that while this was her best performance, she needs to step up the wardrobe a little. Simon makes fun of how many times the title got repeated and says Khaya needs some vocal lessons, but it was a joke that she was in the bottom two. Which he also ascribes to her personality and offers to lend her his puppies to take on stage week. Awful generous of him. Before Demi gets her turn, Khaya takes time to thank her for picking the song, and Demi agrees with everyone else that it was one of her best. "We have stuff to work on but we're getting there." Glowing.
Paulina gives a flirty intro for Josh Levi, who is feeling extra pressure after his mom and sister moved to L.A. to be with him for the competition. Plus there's the added pressure of his great comments from last week that he has to live up to. So Paulina assigns him to loosen up by telling her a joke when he sees her. Great, more pressure, which he deals with by practicing terrible jokes for his sister. He tells Paulina a different one, and at least her reaction to it is preparing him for any possible failure. He's doing "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics from inside a red British phone booth, and from completely outside the original arrangement. It's been turned into a slow jam that morphs into a club mix, with dancing backup bobbies. It's odd and weird, but the one part of it all that works is Josh's performance, which is dead on. He did everything he was trying to do; the question is whether it was all worth doing, but that's on Paulina. Kelly is impressed, and admits to being jealous of Paulina for being his mentor. She just wants him to experience more freedom -- but sharply. Demi says his voice reminds her of young Chris Brown, though he needs to work on his dancing. Simon tells him that he looks forward to Josh every week, but breaks some sobering news: "Your mentor is actually mad." Ha ha -- just kidding, that's not news. He thinks she was drunk when she came up with the production, and she protests that she doesn't drink. Simon advises her to start. So Paulina's whole act is all from pills? Paulina tells Josh she doesn't care what Simon says, and fortunately Mario takes the mic before Josh has to respond to either one of them.
Ooh, I've wanted to tell you this all week. I finally figured out who Alex & Sierra remind me of: Agnes DiPesto and Bert Viola from Moonlighting. Most of you are probably too young for that reference, but trust me. Anyway, they were left reeling a bit by their mentor Simon's negative feedback of their performance last week. Now they're working on "Best Song Ever" by One Direction. They get a call from Simon during rehearsal telling them that they dropped a bit last week and other acts came up, so they've got to do better this week. That's the kind of insightful analysis that makes him one of the most powerful men in the music industry. You're totally not going to believe this, but their version of the song is slow and acoustic and harmony-heavy. I know, right? Also, they're singing on a fake romantic stone footbridge, so Simon has learned his lesson about separating them and is going in the opposite direction. If their numbers go up this week, it's only a matter of time until he has them singing while actually fucking. Simon gives them a standing ovation this week, joined by Demi. Kelly says it was better than last week, but Alex was quite a bit better than Sierra. Paulina loves the duet, though she thinks the bridge set was a bit corny and wants to see more rock from them like last week. Yeah, that was great. Demi disagrees, calling this their best performance yet, and promising to download it when she gets home tonight. After taking a shot back at Paulina, Simon says it was a brilliant performance and they were both great. And that they could win the whole show. Not that he might have any reasons of his own for saying that last bit.
Demi introduces Rion Paige with a shout-out to her church, and talks in Rion's intro reel about how she's getting more vulnerable. Simon, however, complains that Demi isn't having Rion do enough country stuff, which is totally fair given that the themes have been Motown, the '80s and the British Invasion, right? Like Tim Olstad, she's doing an Elton John song ("Your Song"), but unlike him, there's no piano involved. The performance and arrangement are quiet and understated -- aside from a church chorus tacked on the end -- even if the flower-covered stage setting isn't. Kelly claims to be speechless, but manages to come up with a speech about how human and vulnerable Rion is letting herself be. Paulina babbles more nonsensically, but she loved it. Simon thought she was good last week but fantastic tonight. Demi says she got all emotional and proud and Simon interjects, "You can't be 13." The other judges agree, but then Rion's mugging while Mario talks about Carlito Olivero's bad week indicates that it might be possible she's a teenager after all.
So we come back to a more comprehensive recap of Carlito's reviews last week, but he says he's a fighter as we see him jogging in Griffith Park, which I just visited last week. Too bad the Observatory doesn't have any Rocky-like steps for him to climb. Paulina's given him "Satisfaction" this week, confirming my theory that she heard the words "British Invasion" and spent ten seconds brainstorming. She also wants Carlito to be Mick Jagger, in the sense of having confidence and not caring what anyone thinks. Well, the production in which he shares the stage with four life-sized video copies of himself certainly conveys confidence. It's also one of his better vocal performances, over a spare disco track with the signature licks plucked out on a lone acoustic guitar, because Latino. Kelly says it was a huge improvement, but there's still something missing, and he needs to relax already. Demi agrees, and tells him to dance the whole time and lose the videos and be more Spanish and all that. Simon loved the staging, and respects Carlito as a man. Paulina says she misses his smile, which for once is a more succinct comment than anything the other judges said.
It's Lillie McCloud's turn, and in her intro reel we learn that Kelly assigned her "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush. Which she's never heard. Kelly: "Word!?" But she makes her do it anyway, teaching it to her from scratch. "Wrong song," Simon says flatly. And then, for this feminist anthem, Kelly has her in a white dress on a set that makes it look like she's floating down the aisle of a church. But Lillie sings it like she grew up hearing it, I'll give her that. Even if the song itself makes me a little sleepy. Paulina likes how she gives them something different every time. Demi was reminded of the Lillie she first saw, but wanted more range and more glory notes, because after all these people are supposed to come out and be whores. Simon thought it was brilliant, and that she made him realizes how good she is. I don't think he misses her afro, either. Kelly just gets to talk about Lillie's gift and how she loves working with her, because for once she doesn't have to defend her.
Ellona Santiago is taking Simon's "less dancing more singing" comments from last week to heart, and has resolved to focus on the vocals more this time, with "Lights" by Ellie Goulding. How unfortunate, then, that in vocal rehearsal Demi tells her that it's "kind of a mess right now." So Ellona's confidence is already low, and then the intro reel becomes a montage of criticism from everyone from the creative producer to vocal coach "Lil Eddie," and Demi considers bringing it down a half-step to make the high notes less screechy. So now that our expectations have been lowered, Ellona comes out in a rockabilly schoolgirl dominatrix outfit and sings mostly from an oversize fainting couch, with gold-painted dancers pulsating in frames around her. And it sounds fine to me, though Demi is watching her the way you watch a bowling ball headed down the lane for a 7-10 split. I guess she picks up the spare, because Kelly says she's got a big voice and gave her the big note she needed. But something was missing, she thinks. Maybe the choreography? Paulina says "you have your life to give us," which isn't asking much. Simon gives her props for being a brilliant and game performer, but feels like he's watching an actress and wants her to pick her own material. "Right now, you're like a dancing, singing puppet." Demi disagrees, because what else is she going to do?
Finally, Simon tells us -- as is his prerogative -- that they've saved the best for last with Restless Road. This week's focus seems to be on making the deep- voiced one, Zach, feel less awkward on stage. Which they do by making him stand on a sidewalk and hit on chicks that walk by. This is even more painful than you might imagine, even when it final succeeds… sort of. I mean, his big win is, "Nice shirt. Can I have your number?" From that one, he gets what is at least a fake number instead of a kick in the goolies. They're doing "Fix You" by Coldplay, with some country harmony and steel guitar, and a totally minimal production for once. And yeah, they're right, Zach is pretty awkward now that they mention it. Kelly thought it needed to be more cohesive and Zach needs to loosen up. Paulina says they need to do more and look at each other and the only bad thing is that they aren't on her team. What? Demi though it was good, but not their best and that the harmonies of Andrew in particular (the young Dennis Quaid-looking one) were off. Simon discounts all of that and says it was "by far one of the best performances of the night." He says they're looking for stars, not karaoke singers, which sets off all three other judges talking at the same time. The group just says they'll work hard to get better. I think that's something we can all agree on. Mario opens up the voting and reminds us yet again that One Direction will be on tomorrow night. I mean, we've gotten several reminders of that throughout the show, but I didn't mention them all because I want to keep this under twenty pages. Before signing off, Mario asks Simon who should be worried about tomorrow. He thinks Tim, Carlito, Lillie and Ellona. And we know how right he was about last week, don't we?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.