Mario oversells last night's proceedings, but I think we're all here tonight for the double elimination, aren't we? First, the top twelve perform a solemn group sing of "A Perfect Day" by Lou Reed. Timely!
After a recap of last night's performances and comments, (including some rather shirty responses to some of them from the finalists backstage afterwards), we move right into… the ads. Woo hoo! Hold on tight, everybody!
Then we come back to the female finalists being forced to star in an Herbal Essences infomercial in which they sing along with the current Fifth Harmony single while getting primped at what we're supposed to believe is the show's "Glam Station." It's already embarrassing enough to make me want to reconsider everything mean I ever said about the Ford commercials on American Idol, and that's before the guys interrupt with some crunking or whatever the fuck to some entirely different song. I'm going to get right to work blocking this from my memory right now.
At some point, the finalists are all brought out, each category staking out one end of the giant X-shaped stage. Mario says one act is going to leave the competition right now, but "right now" in this case means after about a minute and a half. And this turns out to be the end of the competition for… Sweet Suspense. Everyone seems shocked, nobody more so than Sweet Suspense themselves. Their mentor Simon is also in disbelief, and not just because he's their mentor, arguing that were far worse acts than them last night. I actually don't disagree with that, but it's not that high a bar, really. He also still thinks they were great last night, but clearly saying so did them no favors.
Time for a performance from Selena Gomez, who got bumped from last week results show due to the voting foul-up that turned the results show into a second performance show. She comes out dressed like a dominatrix cheerleader and lip-syncs an up-tempo, but unchallenging song with the obliviously ironic title of "Slow Down" while getting mobbed by backup dancers. So that happened.
Coming back, Mario's ready to start giving the names of people who are staying until week. The fact that Carlito Olivero is the first name called gets a pretty amusing reaction from Simon and Kelly, given what happened to Simon's category a minute ago. Also safe are Josh Levi, Rion Page and Jeff Gutt, which if anything makes Simon look even crankier. But then Restless Road makes it through, so that briefly improves his mood. Tim Olstad is also through, meaning Paulina's Boys have managed to pull off a sweep. I have to admit that's the last thing I expected. Ellona Santiago and Lillie McCloud are also safe, which means Simon's getting pissy all over again because Alex & Sierra are still waiting to hear if they're safe, along with Rachel Potter and Khaya Cohen. But then they're the act to get through, which means Rachel Potter and Khaya Cohen will be doing this week's sing-off. Demi and Kelly both join them onstage to plead their singers' cases, because who wants to hear from the singers themselves at a time like this?
After that, Mario tells us that they'll be "literally singing for survival," which makes me curious as to how the losing performer is going to get killed. Will it happen on camera? We're going to have to wait to find out, because first there's a long, self-congratulatory intro reel of Fifth Harmony. You may remember them as one of last year's losing acts, but they're the one who actually appears to be on the charts, so who's the loser now? Anyone who has to listen to their song, that's who. It's the same song that this year's finalists had to pretend to enjoy during the infomercial earlier, which was much better acting than I gave any of them credit for. The production has a pajama-party theme and has rather too much choreography, and I can tell you that they're clearly not lip-syncing, because if they were they'd be hitting the notes.
Mario tells us it's time for the final showdown, when we all know there's nothing final about it. I mean, there are going to be at least five or six more of them, right? Demi gets to start by introducing Khaya Cohen, adding that neither of these two singers should be in the bottom two (with Kelly heartily agreeing). Khaya comes out to do a desperate, begging song of apology, which always seems a little on the nose in this situation. She works it hard, though, remembering to do some of the Winehousing and the Duffying that got her this far. And after she's done, she's just happy that she got to sing the song for all of us, so I think we at least know who has the winning attitude. And yes, I know I wasn't a fan of her early on, but I am becoming less unimpressed with her.
Kelly promises that Rachel has something planned for week that nobody should miss and brings her out to sing "From This Moment." Rachel's also sticking to her strengths, namely the vocal control that impressed the judges at her first audition. It's also got not one, but two key changes in the space of ninety seconds, and has the kind of slow build that makes for a good performance on these shows. Which is not to say it's even remotely exciting. And then the glory note trips her up. Again. Stop with the glory notes, Rachel Potter. They are not your thing.
Mario now stands between Khaya and Rachel on the stage and takes a few minutes to ratchet up the tension. All I want to hear about, though, is how the losing contestant will die. Mario starts working his way down the judges' table asks Kelly who she's sending home, only to have to listen to a filibuster about how neither of them should be in the bottom two. Move it along already, Kelly -- we know you're not going to kneecap your own act. She then tries to send herself home, but after some increasingly desperate prompting from Mario, she finally votes to send home Khaya. Big surprise. Paulina says they're so different but both talented and decides she's sending home Rachel. Demi lectures us about how we need to vote and not assume that the best singers will automatically be safe (especially with the tiny sample size this show's audience represents), and votes to send home Rachel as well. Mario turns to Simon and Kelly tells him to hurry it up, which is kind of funny after all the time she burned. Simon says he's keeping the one with the most potential, and then sends home -- well the DVR just cut off the end because the judges rattled on too long. But we know he hasn't been all that impressed with Rachel, so let's just assume that she's the one going home. We can assume that, right?
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Actually we don't have to, because I rewound through Glee on my DVRs RAM memory and can officially record that Simon sent home Rachel, ending her time in the competition by a three to one vote. She seems to be taking it pretty well, considering. Maybe she didn't hear Mario saying "literally" before.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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