The previouslies are a quick recap of the top thirteen, which at this point in the season would have been a top eleven, if not for the screw-ups of the graphics department and Paulina Rubio. Apparently it's '80s night, so obviously Kelly's category has the edge there. One of her singers probably even remembers the '80s!
Mario comes out onto an '80s-decorated stage, sporting a loosely knotted skinny leather tie in keeping with the theme. He tells us that the top thirteen are going to be doing eighties songs tonight -- except one, because first we've got to quickly shitcan the act who got the fewest votes after what was supposed to be last week's results show. With all of the acts waiting on the stage, Mario waits through a full twenty seconds of dead air before finally blurting, "Carlos Guevara!" So at least Paulina's category is back to its correct size, as she watches Carlos say goodbye to Mario as though she's watching a cell phone commercial. And not even a cell phone commercial, but a cell phone network commercial. Carlos takes it pretty well, considering he probably spent the last week rehearsing two songs that he'll now be performing in front of his bathroom mirror.
Lillie McCloud is kicking off '80s night, which is appropriate because she's probably the only one in the competition who actually has a single out in the '80s. It was called "Don't You Want My Love," and released under her stage name of Nicole McCloud, and even though you've never heard it it's so quintessentially '80s that you've totally heard it. Lillie says she was so close, and doesn't want that to happen again this time. Much as Jeff Gutt was feeling the pressure of being from Detroit during Motown week, she's now feeling the pressure of being from the '80s. Kelly has assigned her Chaka Khan's "Ain't Nobody," which, coincidentally or not, sounds almost exactly like her single. She's rocking some Chaka Khan hair herself tonight in place of her usual Foxy Cleopatra afro, but the song doesn't exactly show off what she can do. Instead it's more like a second crack at what she tried to do in the '80s, and if it didn't work then it's sure not going to work now.
She's got some nice goodwill from the audience, who gives her a standing ovation. Paulina calls her "multifaCETed" and a goddess. Demi says she doesn't understand why Lillie never took off in the '80s, although she looked a little uncomfortable a time or two. Simon notices that Lillie seems a little winded and remarks, "You're a naughty little thing, aren't you?" Oddly, he says she's making an effort to be current, but the dancing is probably not her thing. Kelly says it's okay to get out of her head and have fun, until Simon interrupts to ask why Lillie thinks she can win. Lillie basically says she can turn into whatever they want. Maybe that's why she didn't take off in the '80s.
Paulina gets to introduce her first Boy, Carlito Olivero. His dad is in town, being supportive and looking younger than Lillie does. Paulina has Carlito singing "Rhythm is Gonna Get You," which is like a Santana version of the song with an acoustic guitar backing track to go along with the breakdancing on the stage, some of which is being done by Carlito. At some point, a female dancer joins the proceedings, making it all seem just that much more Vegas.
Kelly thinks he's nice to look at, but wants him to sing a little more suavely. Demi was pretty distracted by the dancers, and says it wasn't for her. Simon asks Carlito's age (24, meaning he was actually alive in the '80s), and advises him to take more control, "If you stay, which is doubtful." He says Carlito lacked gravitas and a strong vocal, but Paulina insists that what Carlito needs to work on is his… face. Mario asks Carlito for his reaction to the judges' comments, and he says he's not going to let the negativity get to him. Carlito's problem is not negativity. Carlito's problem is that his mentor is a flake who thinks she needs to work on his face. Carlito is screwed.
Demi introduces Rion Paige, who knows as much about the'80s as I did about the '50s at her age, even though I had Happy Days. She tells Demi that she loves the Spice Girls, who Demi cringingly tells her are from the '90s. "So cute, but I felt really old after that," says 21-year-old Demi, "and I'm not as old as Simon." Rion's got a bit of an uphill battle this week, is what we're saying. She's going with "We Belong" by Pat Benatar, and after a slow start, it picks up a bit, though she's still flat in places. A lot of places, alas. I think maybe Demi has her in the wrong key, because she's normally a lot better than this. She's got the energy and commitment as usual, though.
Kelly liked it after the rough beginning, and Paulina likes how Rion brings us up inside her story (yes, that's what she says). Simon likes how she gives everything 110%, but doesn't think Demi has found the right song to connect with her yet. Demi maintains that it was a good song choice, and Rion says she collaborated on the decision, not knowing much about the eighties firsthand. Demi has to point out that she herself was an egg at the time. Thanks for that image, Demi Ovato.
Simon manages to find a moment to mock Mario for sitting on a motorcycle before introducing his group Sweet Suspense. We flash back to last Thursday night's debacle in which Simon failed to love them, and find out that they're doing "Mickey" by Toni Basil. It's a production that turns out to be more about the production than the singing, which is way too melodic and safe throughout. But they're supposed to be all about fun and all that, so that's what they're doing. Or trying to, at least.
Kelly isn't letting them get away with that, though, saying they needed to find their groove and have to sing better. Paulina babbles some word salad at them that ends in calling them amazing. Demi wanted more and doesn't think Simon is working with them enough on their stage presence. "Ah, shaddap," Simon responds, and tells them it was their best performance so far, and the best performance of the night. And, you know, he's always totally objective.
Tim Olstad is going to be singing "Against All Odds," which is arguably the most Tim Olstad song of the entire decade. So, kudos on that song choice. We also learn that through Twitter, Tim has become friends with Sarah Hyland from Modern Family, so a lot of his intro reel gets taken up by showing the two of them having dinner with some other dude. So even if this is it for Tim, his dream is already coming true. And now we get to watch him live his dream of motionlessly performing unthreatening love ballads while some half-dressed chick does an interpretive dance on an entirely different part of the stage. But, you know, as it's happening, I'm reconsidering the wisdom of giving Tim Olstad a song in which he describes himself as an empty space. Oh well, at least Sarah Hyland seemed to appreciate it from the audience.
Kelly says it fell flat, and gets a loud boo. Paulina disagrees, because that's her job, and says he sang it like Tim. Demi says that despite Tim's wonderful voice, there's no X Factor and he isn't growing at all. Simon says he was distracted by the dancer, and that Tim needs to get out of his comfort zone already. How far out of Tim's comfort zone would it be for him to ask if he could crash on Sarah Hyland's couch for a few months?
Demi claims that Khaya has the most incredible voice in the competition , and during the rehearsal footage in Khaya's intro reel, she warns Khaya that her song this week ("Borderline" by Madonna) doesn't hold a candle to last week's song so she'll need to amp it up. Which I'm sure Madonna would appreciate hearing. Khaya's feeling the pressure this week, but she seems pretty relaxed doing a relaxed version of the song, working the stage (and Simon's end of the judges' table) pretty hard, throwing in just a few leavening bits of Winehousing as she goes.
Demi stands up before it's even over, but is back in her seat in time for the ending. Kelly and Paulina both think she's improving, and Simon agrees, admitting that he underestimated her as boring early on. Demi proudly says she killed it. Then Mario reminds us to dial carefully when we vote, which after last week's egregious screw-up on the show's part is pretty fucking rich.
Restless Road is up, and the fact that their intro reel is set to the music of "Let's Hear it for the Boy" from Footloose makes it impossible not to realize that this is a group made up of three Willards. And apparently Simon is unafraid to underscore that, because he's actually having them sing "Footloose." The Blake Shelton version, obvi. Simon tries to camouflage their Willard-ness by surrounding them with go-go dancers in cutoffs and cowboy hats, but it has the opposite effect. Kelly and Paulina totally bought it, but Demi is concerned that the goofy one might be stealing the show from the group. Simon's just happy with them, as you would expect.
Please stop dancing when we come back from the ads, Mario. We go from that to the intro of Rachel Potter, of whom footage exists proving she was alive in the eighties -- five years old in '89, to be exact. Kelly has her singing "Alone" by Heart, complete with key elements of '80s music video iconography (high boots, chain-link fence, wind machine, crouching) in the production. She does pretty well mostly, but as it has been in the past, the big glory note she shoots for ends up being her undoing. But that's not the last thing we hear, so she gets done with the big finish and smooths her bangs back down so she can hear Paulina gushing at her.
Demi's proud of her, which may be because she couldn't hear the big long note, as she readily admits. Simon says that note sounded like she was screaming, and wonders what Rachel is doing with a song like that if she wants to be a country artist. The obvious response to that is of course that it's '80s week and country was all Alabama and Kenny Rogers back then, but people are starting to talk over each other so let's move on.
In Ellona Santiago's intro reel, Demi figures she's up for a Whitney Houston song. And you know, who else would be? The song in question is "I Wanna Dance with Somebody," in which Ellona also has to contend with a disjointed arrangement, an overblown production, a gratuitous key change, and less dancing than she normally does but more than the other contestants do. Kelly loves watching it, aside from the beginning of the track, and Paulina tells her to get used to us because it's going to get crazier. Simon didn't get the first two-thirds of it, but loved the last thirty seconds, and wants less choreography from her. Demi is with Simon on that, and acknowledges that Ellona slipped at one point but so does she. And to Simon trying to interject, she says, "I can't understand you and I don't care to." Demi's having a moment, y'all.
After the ads, Mario pops a 1980s-era picture of Simon up on the projection screen, showing off a feathered mane and an… arm. "Simon's so excited because it's eighties week and he's eighty!" Demi adds, while Simon denies that it's even him in the picture. It totally is. Anyway, Pauline introduces Josh Levy as the youngest person in the competition "and the most talented." I guess she can say that now that Tim and Carlito have already faceplanted tonight. In the intro reel, Paulina tells him to sing and dance at the same time, apparently having forgotten that the combination got him sent home last time. Josh remembers quite well, however, and he's pretty nervous about it. But he goes out and does a choreography-moderate version of "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. He does his Li'l Usher thing, complete with green lasers right out of the "Yeah" video. And he pulls it off, too.
Kelly says he's arrived but needs to get out of his head, Demi has no idea how he left the competition in the first place, and Simon says this is the difference between a karaoke singer and a future star. He only wishes Josh could have had the stage to himself without backup dancers to detract from him. Paulina calls it a "great achievement," which is not normally a phrase one hears on televised singing competitions. Did he simultaneously sing, dance, and discover a new vaccine?
Jeff Gutt's intro reel is all about how he hasn't been sleeping, due to the stress of trying to raise a son while broke on top of the stress of the competition. Kelly gives him some tips, but I might suggest that taping himself awake in the wee hours of the morning is probably counterproductive. Anyway, from all of the '80s arena rock tunes that Jeff had to choose from, he's going with…"I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew. Oh, Jeff. He must have decided to sleep on that one, and look what happened. He does his thing, singing hard like he normally does, but the song is a terrible fit.
Paulina loves it, though, saying, "I understand your thing." Demi is glad he's there to represent the rock thing (which, yeah, would have been good). Simon talks over Demi, telling Jeff that he's got too much of an "I want to be a rock star" vibe and thinks he's a little Spinal Tap. Kelly tells him he's not afraid of work, which is half of the X factor. So does that make it the V, the <, the >, or the ^ Factor?
Alex & Sierra are finishing up the night, and before Simon introduces them, he tells Mario, "Your dancing tonight has been atrocious." He's making his last group of the night take a leap of faith with an allegedly switched-up arrangement of "Addicted to Love." She demonstrates some Irish dancing moves during vocal rehearsal, but the singing is something she's less comfortable with still. Alex tells us that he'll stay up all night with her to help her if that's what it takes. Good thing Alex doesn't need any practice. Anyway, their performance starts out a little bizarrely, beginning as it does with an a capella duet on a set that makes it looks like they're singing from inside separate apartments. They do that slow, sultry thing they do for the first verse and chorus, and then actually kick a beat into it from there, which is quite a departure for them. Eventually Sierra walks through the door separating them, and looks a lot more comfortable now that they're back together.
Kelly says that it was weird when they were separated, but that all changed when they were together again. Paulina says they seem very bohemian and seventies, which is perfect for eighties night. "I have a few notes," Demi says, which Alex and Sierra may not be experienced enough in the entertainment industry to realize is a warning of terrible news. She thinks Sierra looked a little uncomfortable on her own, and Simon defensively says they don't like to do the same thing every week. Simon's only problem was that they lost the melody. Oh, is that all? Mario makes everyone even more uncomfortable by asking Sierra to show off some riverdancing, which she can't in the shoes she's wearing. So thanks for trying to break the tension there, Mario. He asks the judges for their favorites of the night, and they all pick their own acts -- except, interestingly, for Simon, who names Josh Levy. Don't be surprised if Simon finds a way to jump categories by week. But first, we'll have tomorrow night's double elimination. Now we're talking.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.