I think my favorite part of the preview montages is when they paste together clips of a bunch of singers just going "Aaah/aaaaaah/aaaaah/ohhhh/aaaaaah" because it reminds me of those old "Whassup?" ads? I find my fun where I can.
We're starting off in Charleston, with b-roll processed to look like old-fashioned movie footage, even though it obviously wasn't shot that way. Then an X Factor truck whisks the whole town into the present, supposedly. Thanks, X Factor! Now we're a lot more over the Civil War!
The auditions for tonight start with Andrew Scholz, a wholesome-looking 18-year-old jock from Summerville, SC who's dwarfed by his giant pickup. Out on the stage, Simon acts like Kelly's flirting with the kid before giving him the go-ahead. Between the Carolina accent and the plaid shirt, one would obviously expect him to do something country, but he's going with "Too Close" by Alex Clare. Which I think is just as well, because he doesn't have a country kind of voice, like, at all. Kelly thought it was a little karaoke, and while Demi acknowledges that the chicks dig him, he seemed a little awkward. Paulina agrees that he's cute but didn't get the song choice. Simon winds up and tells Andrew that… he disagrees with all of them. He thinks Andrew can be good enough with the right training, and that they'd be crazy to let him go right now, because they're going to have nothing but time to train people properly. Demi's not budging, so Simon offers to let Andrew try something else more old-school. Andrew goes with "A Little More You," a country song of the type that he probably should have done to start with. The female judges don't seem to mind him as much this time around, and Simon smirks at them like he's made his point, even though he still doesn't have the best voice. Demi says this song made more sense and Simon calls a vote based on it. Paulina and Kelly say yes and after a pause so does Demi, before Simon makes it unanimous, giving himself credit for saving Andrew and sending him on through. Good luck surviving boot camp, though. Looking like a young Dennis Quaid will only get you so far.
Back to New Orleans. Or onto New Orleans, I don't even know what preposition to use any more. The song "Blurred Lines" provides the soundtrack for us to meet the poor man's Robin Thicke, Blake Shankle, 19 and with a soft-serve wave of hair. He claims people ask for his autograph every day just because, and his goal is to be the most famous person in the entire world. Onstage, Kelly immediately notices how hot he is and Simon does that "Kelly" thing he does whenever he catches her flirting with one of these boys. Blake sings "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri and although he doesn't suck quite enough to have gotten through on novelty awfulness alone, it's clear he wouldn't be in front of the judges (let alone the camera) if he didn’t look like that. Demi thought the performance was a bit too theatrical, and Paulina agrees that his moves were overly studied and predictable. Simon doesn't think his style is right for the kind of soul R&B singer he claims to want to be, and calls a vote. Kelly is disenchanted enough to say no and so do the rest of them, Simon even cutting him off when he offers to rap. This is clearly not at all what Blake was expecting and we can tell because he tells us that he was not expecting that at all. At least there's still one way for him to become the most famous person in the world: start killing people.
The very contestant who comes out right after Blake is a big tall glass of Too Much whose version of "Diamonds" is so terrible, she doesn't even get her name on the screen. All nos for her, obvi. Some blonde named Ashlyn prevailed upon stagehands to roll her out in a big red gift box that she can pop out of. "Annoying!" Simon sings out. But at least Ashlyn is better than the weird chick who raps in Pig Latin. And after that there are so many nos they last all the way to the commercials.
New Orleans doesn't even get to redeem itself after that debacle, because we're in Los Angeles after the break. This time Paulina's out sick, so two yes votes are enough to get through. A soft-spoken 16-year-old named Ellona Santiago is here, with her nearly-identical sister waiting backstage because the rest of her family's working. She sings "Wings," or rather belts it, because whoa, her singing voice is basically the opposite of her speaking one. In fact, when the music's going, she gets downright fierce. Obviously the audience loves her and the judges are impressed. Kelly does a little impression of Ellona's before-and-after transformation from shy girl to bad-ass, which she loved. Simon calls her the one he wants to work with the most right now. She asks him if he remembers her and is mortified when he doesn't. As it turns out, she was even in the top twelve during the first season, but was one of the members of the ungainly Frankengroup InTENsity. Simon remembers her now and we get some clips of InTENsity's short, unhappy exisTENce two years ago, including that magical moment when Simon gave special props to "the one in the red jacket." Demi says she would have sent her through if she's been here the first season and they're going to make sure Simon remembers her from now on. Ellona gets three yeses to go through, and is ecstatic. But didn't she probably get four last time?
Back to Charleston, where we rejoin auditions during a bad dry spell. Simon burns down a few wannabes, including telling a pair of girls that he'd hate to be their parents and have to listen to them every day, which is actually nicer than he could have been, because those two also look like horrible people. Then we spend a little pre-audition time with a 14-year-old boy who looks like every other 14-year-old boy who gets on these shows. He's Stone Martin from Hartsville, SC, and this will be the first time he's ever sang in front of more than a half-dozen people. He sings a sweet love ballad that's way too old for him, as are any number of the girls swooning over him in the audience. Kelly loves him and the untapped potential of his voice. Demi points out some girls in the audience freaking out, and Paulina tells him his life is about to change forever. Simon appreciates Stone's likability and "star glow," so it's not exactly a shock when he scores four yes votes. If nothing else, Stone Martin will be handy to have around when I need to come up with homepage headlines.
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Los Angeles again, and Ashly Williams, 24, comes out on stage dressed like she's 16. In 1988. The judges interview her a little bit, and when Simon asks her to share something interesting about herself, we're suddenly back in the line outside with her earlier as she tells another hopeful about the impending birthday of her late mother. Who was murdered when Ashley was 14. So that's… bad, and I can't imagine the cheesy editing and the mournful Sarah McLachlan song is helping. Back onstage, after Simon asks her what's interesting about her, Ashly doesn't milk it like most people would, so now I'm on her side. Fortunately her rendition of "I Will Always Love You" makes it easy to stay there. Despite how emotional it is, it's mature and in control and she's got a nice smoky voice. She also nails the key change, which is nice, and saves the runs for the very end, which is nicer. The crowd loves her and even all four judges join the standing ovation. They're all blown away, and Simon tells her that talent like hers is the reason they brought the show to America. After she gets all four unreserved yeses, her eight family members rush out from backstage. So that worked out well.
And then we're out with the same preview clips we've been seeing every night so far. "Aaah/aaaaaah/aaaaah/ohhhh/aaaaaah!"
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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