Tonight's episode starts with a montage of last week's standouts, because otherwise there's no way we're going to remember them by the time we get to Hollywood.
Okay, scratch that -- we're already in Hollywood; tonight's auditions are starting in Los Angeles. Mario reminds us of the categories: Boys, Girls, Over 25s and Groups. The judges take their places, except for Paulina Rubio who's off somewhere doing her actual job. This means it currently only takes two yeses to make it to the round, and the first act of the night is a pair of sisters named Cynthia and Shirley, 24 and 16. Simon sarcastically feigns interest in their dull origin story, and they begin warbling "I Want You Back" badly enough that I'm glad I didn't spend any time learning which of them was which. They get all the way to the end of their song for some reason, after which Simon says, "Demi?" Demi says. "Kelly?" Kelly says, "Simon?" He manages to say they seemed to be competing to see who could sing worse and they both won. Kelly says one of them started off okay, but her sister dragged her down. She tells that sister to come back alone after getting better, but for now she gives them a no, as does Demi. As does Simon, who says he's breaking up the group. Backstage, they firmly tell us that breaking up or not is their decision. So let's all hope they make the right one.
Up is a 14-year-old ninth grader from Houston named Josh Levi, who recently moved to L.A. He claims he wanted to follow his dream, as though his parents had nothing to do with it. Simon laughs too long at a dorky joke Demi makes until Kelly smacks him and snaps, "Stop it." I could watch a couple of hours of that. The kid starts singing some song I don't know, and Demi is totally into it. He's fourteen, lady. He has the crowd sing along -- almost always a smart move -- and they're totally on his side. Demi says it was great and calls him an artist, which seems a little premature. Kelly settles for calling him a star. Simon starts by saying it was a song he shouldn't have chosen, but he made it his own and Simon agrees with Kelly. Three yeses for this kid.
At some point during the commercials the judges have changed clothes, and Kelly greets a five-girl group that calls themselves Drama Drama. They should get booted just for that, never mind their Bratz-inspired styling. Kelly interviews them a bit and asks who they want to be like, which obviously is an all-white Spice Girls. They do an a capella version of "Party in the U.S.A." and barely get as far as the first verse before Simon shuts them down, calling them "old-fashioned" and summarily giving them three nos all on his own. This allows the editors to deploy a sepia filter across the stage for a series of similarly ill-advised, '90s-inspired groups, never mind the fact that most of them can't sing either. This doesn't bode particularly well for the group, a trio of identically dressed, side-parted brothers calling themselves, ironically, "AKNU" (pronounced "Anew"). Clearly hating them on sight, Simon tells them to stop fidgeting even before they sing, and he hates the song they plan to sing, "Valerie." So the deck couldn't possibly be stacked against them any more. But it turns out that they've got some decent moves and harmonies, so they appear to be winning Simon over… to say nothing of the audience and the other judges. Kelly calls them "refreshing," Demi says she got the chills and Simon says it's like watching Motown again. Which he normally hates, but he thought it worked and wants to watch it again. There's the usual two easy yeses, and then Simon milking the pause even though we all know he's going to say yes. Which he does.
Now we're back in Charleston and so is Paulina. We're starting this segment with a 21-year-old from Rocky Mount, North Carolina named Brandi Love whose boyfriend is a helicopter pilot in the Army. Not that she's milking his absence or anything, because he's right there with her -- in uniform and everything. The judges like her name right away, as well as the fact that she's an orthodontic assistant, though Paulina wonders why she's not going with a country song after she says she loves country. Brandie says anything she sings ends up sounding country anyway, so there's your answer. She starts off kind of overpowered by her backing track, but she makes a slow build out of it and turns out to have a good voice after all. She's a hit with the audience. Paulina says she has the X Factor, and Simon says she took them to church, because someone has to say that now that L.A. Reid is gone. Kelly enjoyed watching her get lost in the song, and Demi loved her combination of country and soul, as well as what Simon calls her sincerity. Unreserved yeses from all the judges for this one.
Also impressing the judges are 14-year-old Millie Thrasher from Birmingham, 13-year old Timmy Thames from Malibu, some other kid, a four-girl group, some chick, and a duo from Lubbock calling themselves Yellow House Canyon. That was a pretty good run, so I'm pretty sure we're going to crash and burn after the ads. And not just because the teaser makes that more than obvious.
So here we are in Long Island, kicking off this round with a turbo-bro bagel shop worker named Vinnie Crisostomo, already a legend in his own mind, who comes complete with a bodyguard and additional roly-poly entourage members. He goes out onstage and talks about being a fan of Biggie Smalls, Tupac and Method Man, and then announces that he's going to sing "How Do I Live" by LeAnn Rimes. So clearly this dude is taking the piss, which is even more apparent with his "interpretation" of the song that is entirely devoid of anything remotely musical. After Simon stops him on the first chorus, Kelly has some pertinent questions. "Did you rehearse that song? Did somebody listen to you? And what did they say?" Simon says it's one of the worst he's ever heard, and Demi appears concerned that Vinnie hangs around people who have been telling him he can do this. Four nos, duh. Backstage, Vinnie remains convinced that it's Simon's loss. It wasn't just Simon, homie.
Back to Charleston. A twitchy young fellow in a knit cap, Carlos Guevara, comes out and doesn't get very far into chatting with the judges before admitting that he has Tourette's. The guy hired to man the dump button during the live shows thinks, "Yes! My season to shine!" Simon has Carlos explain Tourette's for any audience members who don't know what that is, and Carlos says, "I have motor and vocal tics which make me move a little weird sometimes." He says it's been a hassle, but he isn't letting it hold him back. We flash back to his arrival, when his mom drove him to the audition, although I'd hoped that starting right off with him already onstage would mean we'd get to skip all that. He's sixteen and in ninth grade and tries to have a conversation with some chick while in line, though his tics make it tricky. Apparently one of the only things that helps him is music, so at least he's come to the right place. His mom tells us she was worried about his friends ditching him after he was diagnosed, but no, they're all here to support him. And not just to get on camera, either. We rejoin him onstage, where he sings "Gravity" by John Mayer. When the music starts, he's able to settle down somewhat and is able to actually sing. Better than the original, certainly. He gets an enthusiastic standing ovation from the audience and all three female judges. Paulina's proud of him, Demi loves his voice, Kelly calls it magical and Simon tells him he appreciates that Carlos isn't a victim, plus he's got a great voice. Carlos is grateful to them even before their vote, which is yes all the way. His friends swarm him on the stage and he's able to get through a whole happy speech backstage without twitching once. So it's working already.
Okay, New Orleans now. Since we're in the second hour, Mario reminds us again of the categories, which also serves to remind us that we have yet to see a decent Over 25 tonight. Backstage, Demi teases Simon with an alleged photo from his youth when he looked like Inigo Montoya, which of course she has already Tweeted. "Why do I hate you today?" Simon bitches at her. I am enjoying her more so far this season. Did I like her at this stage last year before she became a mentor and shit the bed? I can't remember right now.
Back to the auditions, which are starting with a male-female duo of hairdressers calling themselves Chloe J and CJ (Chloe J is the female). They've known each other for a year and when they get onstage, Simon pretends not to be able to tell instantly that CJ is gay and presses the issue of whether they're dating. CJ straightens Simon out on that, and offers to help him with his hair a little. Someone needs to. There's a little more repartee, and then they attempt "River Deep, Mountain High." They attempt… and they fail. Really, the only decent vocals I hear are the harmonies on their prerecorded backing track. As seems to frequently be the case this season, this is allowed to go on for far too long. When Simon finally calls a halt, he and Chloe stare at each other until she finally says, "Don't look at me like that." So Simon just declares them both "absolutely awful." He looks at Chloe's pissed-off face and says that's how he felt the whole performance. Kelly, Paulina and Demi all shoot them down, and then Chloe gets tired of Simon's latest gratuitous long pause and comes down to kiss him all over his head. Simon's a pretty good sport about it, and even says yes because it's not like it would matter even if he meant it. In the White Box, Chloe invites Simon, "I'm in Cleveland if you want to come get it, Daddy." I don't think he does.
As the auditions continue, Malie Delgado from Anchorage probably wins the prize for traveling the farthest to the auditions, as well as four yes votes for the round. The chick Carlos Guevara was talking to in line earlier beats the odds and not only gets on camera again, she gets to the round. So does a girl at the bottom end of the age range, some pretty boy, and a girl who claims to have driven 28 hours to get here. In a Flintstones car, presumably. And all that was part of a Honda commercial folded into the show. Yes, I think I just recapped my first ad. Damn, you, The X Factor. You have made an enemy today.
18-year-old Colton Pack from Danese, WV appears to have brought a whole busload of well-wishers from his one-stoplight town a thousand miles away. Pretty much the whole town, in other words, most of them in Colton Pack T-shirts. When he hits the stage, one of Simon's questions is whether Colton is a good boy or a bad boy, and since Colton says he'll be whatever they want him to be, I think we can rule out bad boy. He sings "Hick Town" by Jason Aldean and is a total goon, but the judges appear into it. Paulina makes clawing gestures at him, which Simon describes as "Helpful." Demi thought it was pitchy at times, but that he performed well otherwise. Kelly likes his "unique voice" and Simon "really, really, really" likes him, and thinks there's a market for him. Yeses for Colton, which is good because otherwise that would have been a very long bus ride home. As it is, the entire town of Danese gets to walk him off the stage. And jeez, how many West Virginians is it possible to stuff into that White Box, anyway?
Back to L.A., where Simon's running late, thus allowing the other judges to clown around with a cardboard standup of him backstage. Then there's a montage of the hot, leggy hopefuls gathered outside to serve as contrast to the contestant, an allegedly nerdy 15-year-old who's got a gringa Ugly Betty thing going on, in the sense that she has glasses, an odd fashion sense and a carefully cultivated outcast vibe. Danie Geimer, for that is her name, sings a creepy emo version of "House of the Rising Sun" that she blows out in the second half. I'm pretty sure she came here looking like this just so we can be amazed with her "before and after" later on. The judges like her, though Demi jumps the gun a bit by making her take off her hat right now. All three of the judges present send her on through, so I think we can consider this arc launched.
Any audition cities we haven't come back to yet tonight? Oh, right -- Denver. Simon is welcomed back with a montage of his putdowns, like "I think you would be a very good group if none of you were in it." Kelly has high hopes for the singer, who turns out to be Jeff Gutt from last season. As he gives them an update on his past year, Simon quietly tells Kelly that he probably should have made the finals last year. Now he's back again with his young son after getting cut from Boot Camp last year, and interviews that if he doesn't make it this time, he's done. Tonight, he oversings "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," which puts Simon and Demi in the position of having to tell Kelly and Paulina that he's normally better than this. Simon stops him quickly and calls him out on trying to sound like Steven Tyler. He says that as much as he was pulling for Jeff, he can't send him on. "I'm really disappointed," he says, but since Jeff is still onstage when the commercials come, I think we can probably assume that he's going to get another crack at it.
Sure enough, Simon gives him another chance, so luckily Jeff has Radiohead's "Creep" in his pocket. That goes much better, aside from how he still sounds like a guy who's been trying way too hard at this for way too long. Still, Demi's on her feet before he's even done, during the big notes on the bridge. Paulina relates to him as a fellow parent. Simon reads my mind and says Jeff's countless gigs have left him with some bad habits like mispronouncing words. But he says he's honored to have Jeff back. Kelly's also happy he's returned, and Demi says Jeff has the talent needed to sell rock 'n' roll, and that this time the timing is right. Simon calls him the one that got away last year and they give him four yeses. Just as he did last year, Jeff's proud, happy toddler son comes scampering out into his arms. "It's good to see you again!" Demi tells him. "I know," the kid Simons. Let's hope this boot camp goes better for Jeff than last year's did, if only for that kid's sake. Jeff himself, I don't especially care about.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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