Tonight's show starts with a goofy montage of people dropping what they're doing to go try to be the Miley Cyrus, P!nk, Alicia Keys, Usher or One Direction. Don't ask me why the show dropping names that, in most cases, it had no business picking up in the first place. Mario tells us that the auditions will end tomorrow night and the judges will be assigned to their categories, so that's a sign that things are progressing. Mario also teases something new coming up at some point that's called the "Four Chair Challenge," which had better not just be a catchy new name for something that's been going on this whole time anyway.
We're picking up the auditions in Long Island, starting with 48-year-old Melanie Wright from Crofton, Maryland. She's been a paralegal for 28 years but hopes to be the Carrie Underwood. Of course, we've seen her sucking in previews for the past two weeks, so it's not really that much of a shock that her rendition of "Titanium" sounds like a drowning bird. Simon is unable to keep a straight face, not that he's trying all that hard and after a long, smirking pause, he asks why she chose that song and says, "It was like finding out Cinderella works at the Playboy Mansion." I don't really see the analogy and it's irrelevant because her voice is terrible anyway. Paulina enjoyed seeing how happy she was, but they end up giving her four reasonably polite nos and send her on her way to be the 30-year paralegal.
So let's keep the suck going. Oksana Mamchur (36, from Ukraine by way of Queens) shrilly slaughters a Celine Dion tune, at which Paulina says with uncharacteristic pith, "I just don't understand why you choose… music." She gets three nos and an "uh-uh" from Kelly. A 55-year-old named Rob Zarro rocks a Moe Howard wig, but utterly fails to rock "Born to be Wild." Maya Lehman, a 60-year-old substitute teacher, does things to "The Final Countdown" that Gob Bluth could only dream of, getting ahead of the backing track by half a measure and singing entirely through her forehead. Some bozo in a tiger-striped hooded tailcoat [sic] does an a capella version of "Like a Virgin" that indicates not only tone-deafness, but regular deafness as well. Obviously they're all shot down. So the stage is set for fifteen-year-old Bruno Mars lookalike Emery Kelly to turn things around, no pressure. With a small army watching him on the backstage monitors, he goes into "I Won't Give Up." He starts fairly weak in the lower register (except when compared to what preceded him), but does better in the chorus. Plus the judges think he's cute and even Simon thinks he's a little pop star, so he shoots on through like shit from a goose.
After the ads, Mario (who, as usual, might as well have been green-screened in during post for all he interacts with the contestants) alerts us that the Girls have been doing pretty well so far, and we're reminded of the existence of a few of the young female standouts we've heard. So here comes another one, possibly. This is Khaya Cohen, 15, who says she wants to sing for the rest of her life. Unfortunately, the jazzy showtune she's picked out isn't doing her any favors, and frankly neither is her voice. Luckily for her, Simon blames the song and Kelly immediately calls a halt. She and the judges gaze blankly at each other for a while until Kelly asks what else she has. This usually seems to work out well for people and in this case her backup song, "I Put a Spell on You," is only a minor exception. She actually pulls off a decent blues-singer impression, for a white suburban 15-year-old. The judges are entranced, and the audience is won over as well. The judges gush all over her, Simon comparing her to Amy Winehouse and Adele, and Demi even predicting that she'll be in the finals. Four yeses for Khaya. So we learned from Emery Kelly that you can benefit from following someone who does badly, and we learned from Khaya Cohen that sometimes that person has to be yourself.
After the break, Simon wishes aloud for a singer with a voice like he hasn't heard before. Careful what you wish for, because the guy who comes out, Joseph Tolve, looks like a Tim Burton character and sounds like Mickey Mouse. Simon gives him some water to try to fix his natural falsetto, which fails utterly, and then he inflicts that voice on Demi's own "Skyscraper." Not sure what she ever did to him. Demi says that while they're looking for unique voices, this may not be it. They suggest kids' shows or voiceover work and then give him nos across the board, though Simon promises that he'll get calls after this. And then he wrecks it by going on in the White Box about how he wants to voice an anteater character. Yes, he'll get calls, but they'll all be from people who will ask if his mom is home.
James Kenney, 35, is yet another contestant who's back this year. How much longer can this show last if it's already recycling contestants in its third season? Five years from now, God forbid, we're just going to have the same rotating repertory cast playing different archetypal roles like an unscripted American Horror Story or something. He's still an apartment manager and part-time musician, though we get to watch him at work at his day job this time as though this is the first we've ever seen him. He chats with the judges like he's trying to sneak through without being recognized, but Simon remembers him from the first season, when he got cut from the competition at Nicole Scherzinger's house. This time he's crooning "Summertime," about which Kelly makes some nice comments to Simon while it's going on. He's working hard, if nothing else. Demi liked the crazy riffs and the "sexy song," Paulina was impressed by his talent, and Simon says it was a brilliant song choice. He ends up with two yeses and two "hell yeah"s, and hugs from his wife and two small daughters on the stage, which never hurts. It'll be interesting to see whose house he gets cut at this year.
A 23-year-old bouncer from Texas named Isaac Tauaefa sings pretty well for a bouncer and gets unanimous yeses. Chase Goehring, 17, sings an original song that's not all that original and gets similar results. Then we get a montage of "I'm Going Down" sung by three different people (pantsless waitress Allison Davis, 24-year-old Isabel Requena and teenaged Isaiah Alston), who all go on through. Nice of them to all sing in the same key like that. Then David Gray (not the one who already has an undeserved singing career, but a 31-year-old cornfed superhero type) says backstage that he's a little nervous, but "it should be epic." When he hits the stage, the judges ask why he's here and he says he's auditioning for his girlfriend. "Wrong answer," Demi and Simon both say. We flash back to his arrival earlier that day with his girlfriend Lauren Waguespack, who is apparently also auditioning. In the holding room, David took Lauren's dad aside to ask for his blessing and received it. Back in the present, David essays an Usher tune and does very, very poorly. Simon asks for clarification on David's motivation for being here before calling a vote, which is all nos. Then when Lauren comes out, they know exactly who she is and asks why she made David do this. Lauren says they do everything together, and Kelly asks her how she landed David's support like that. Then she sings "Teenage Dream" while David waits in the wings for his big moment. Before the judges can render a verdict, David joins her onstage and gets down on one knee to propose. The female judges all jump up out of their chairs and even Simon can't keep from beaming at them. At this point the vote seems kind of moot, but Lauren ends up getting only one yes, so she's done in this competition before she started. But at least now they're engaged and at least we can stop seeing this moment at the beginnings, ends and commercial breaks of every single episode. I hope.
Onto Denver, where the female judges are proceeding sans Simon. Tim Olstad is 23 and so nervous he blows his stand-up self-intro and forgets to say where he's from. So of course he turns out to be from Minnesota. When he's onstage, Demi presses him to say whether he's ever gotten in trouble and begs him to tell her something crazy about himself, which he pretty much whiffs on, admitting that his mom kicked him out of her classroom a couple of times when she was his elementary-school music teacher. "You're a wild child," Demi mocks. The music for "A Thousand Years" starts, and they're totally bored until he actually starts singing. His hand is vibrating as though that microphone is a Hitachi Magic Wand, but he turns out to have a pretty great voice, if he could just control the shakiness and the breathing. He gets a standing ovation from the audience, Kelly compares his voice to a "blanket of love," Demi got the chills and thinks people will like him just the way he is, and Paulina congratulates him, so he lands three yeses. And then he steps off the stage to the strains of Coldplay "Fix You." And after they said he didn't need fixing! Then Simon shows up late, and when the judges tell him he missed some good stuff, he agrees that he heard someone great on his way in. Demi figures he's learned his lesson about being late, and Simon actually has the grace to look somewhat embarrassed instead of making a smart-ass comment. Maybe there's still something British in there after all.
Back to Long Island, again. We meet a guy named Wesley Mountain who's mooning all over Kelly even before he gets backstage. And when he is backstage, he tells his brothers how he's going to moon all over her in person. Finally he gets out there and is completely, moonily, tongue-tied over her. She encourages him rather unnecessarily, telling him he's cute and that green is his color. Good thing he's wearing green, then. He steps down to the judges table and kisses her hand, making her a little nervous and making him look like he's going to have to change his jeans, imminently. Simon tells them both to get rid of their "impure thoughts" and advises Wesley to stop panting so he can sing "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes. Which it turns out he can, fortunately for him and probably unfortunately for Kelly. "That was actually very good," Simon says grudgingly. Demi thought he was creepy at first, but he has a good voice. When Kelly starts to talk, Simon interjects that Wesley shouldn't look at her, because he looks like a dog watching someone eat steak. Paulina says yes and Demi agrees, "I'm gonna say yes but don't eat my friend, okay?" Simon doesn't vote last for once, registering a yes while hoping he doesn't regret it. Kelly says yes as well, and Simon tells him, "Leave without looking at her." Wesley just about manages it.
Denver again, because they're just shuffling the venues like Scrabble tiles. A confident 16-year-old named Celine Polenghi belts out "Miracles," and while Simon doesn't think it was perfect, he declares her a "future pop star." Yeses from the whole panel for Celine. That kicks off a string of equally successful girls, including 20-year-old Bree Randall, who looks like the second coming of Debbie Gibson; Primrose Martin, also 20, who can do big runs and big notes at the same time; and Summer Reign, who at 17 is still too young for the professions that name dooms her to. The judges argue over the Girls category as though it's up to them, and then a dapper 19-year-old kid named Ricky Clark, Jr. takes the stage. He's also briefly overcome by Kelly's flirting, and then sings "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder. He's not terrible, but not great either. Simon is instantly bored by him and cuts him off early, saying he sounded flat. He looks pretty defeated, although Kelly gives him some encouragement. In fact, he's reduced to tears as Demi, then Paulina, then Kelly tell him no -- for now. He starts walking off the stage crying, but Kelly gets up and chases him down. She catches up with him in the wings and tells him how she was rejected by Star Search and "Now I'm here!" Judging on The X Factor. That's actually not as encouraging as she probably means it to be.
Now we're heading to Los Angeles, for a round of auditions where Demi and Paulina are simply "not here" -- thanks for the clarification, Mario -- which leaves just Simon and Kelly at the table. Both of them will need to say yes for anyone to go through, as if there's been much disagreement at all between judges this season. The auditioner, Lorie Moore, is 34 and wearing the jersey she plays professional women's football in. You heard me. Simon asks if they've met before, because she looks familiar. "You do too," she cracks, which doesn't go over as well as you'd think. She's doing "I Have Nothing," and she pretty much nails it, almost effortlessly. So what can't she do? Kelly and Simon give her the high-clap, and are both quite impressed. Kelly says she's got two yeses, but we have to wait for Simon to make it official anyway and then Lorie gets tackled by her family on the stage. Remember that name in a few years with the MacArthur Genius Grants come out.
We're finally getting our first group of the night, a nerdy couple dressed for a 1993 wedding and calling themselves Second Hand High. Which is a terrible name on more than one level, and they're planning to do an original song. Demi has arrived, which means they'll require three yeses. On the stage, they confess that they're formerly engaged and she tells Simon not to make the face he makes when they tell him they're doing an original song, because this is going to be a hit. "I understand now why this relationship ended," Simon says, and tells them to go ahead. And we all regret it, because their future hit is a hip-hop beat from 1987, over which she piercingly speed-raps and he says "Hey" and "Oh." But then he gets the second verse, though he's already winded by then. Kelly, hilariously, is pretending like she's totally into this, first chair-dancing energetically and then getting up from the table to shake it for real and even rap along with the main hook into Simon's face. The audience is into it, because it's so bad, but it's not quite as bad as you thought at first, so the duo seriously thinks they've just gotten this place in their back pocket. Simon, possibly the only level head in the place right now, suggests they change their name to "Deluded." He's getting booed by the audience and he wonders why, so Kelly explains, "It's very, very weird, but I kind of like the song." Maybe in the sense that people like "Friday" and "The Fox," in that it's terrible even as it burrows into your head. I would expect to see reference to this song all over Twitter today if anybody actually watched this show. Kelly admits that it might work better with a different singer, though. Demi enjoyed watching the people krumping up in the back row and says it was catchy, though it wasn't for her. They all say no, though Kelly likes the song and Simon lies that it was nice to meet them. Backstage, the female half of the duo insists that the song is going to be the jam of 2013. See you on YouTube, guys.
But then the show actually tries to make it happen, editing together a music video of Kelly, Demi and Simon performing the song. It's supposedly a fever dream of Simon's that is rudely interrupted by Demi loudly waking him up. Wait, is it still rude when you wanted it to end anyway?
And then we're done, with another mention of the allegedly terrifying "Four Chair Challenge," which given all this scary buildup had better include live ammunition.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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