By Carla Patton
Today, I am thankful for rent-a-host Mario Lopez, and his ability to be so out-of-touch with humanity that he is the perfect host. He doesn't even care about hosting a show on Thanksgiving, because holidays do not register to him. Was this whole show-on-Thanksgiving idea Simon's? Because they don't have Thanksgiving in Grumpville? Simon and Mario probably put their heads together and agreed that they would get paid no matter what. Also, f**k family.
For the performance show, the Top 10 contestants had to dedicate the most emotional song they could find to someone, then demonstrate their ability to sing while crying. It's all about gratitude, or something. Dead sisters, God, "the troops," and parent figures were among the people thanked. Anyway, in my opinion, the worst cry-singers were Arin Ray, CeCe Frey, Beatrice Miller, and Paige Thomas. If Tate Stevens lands at the top of the leaderboard again I'll be very unhappy.
Britney Spears is premiering her new video on X Factor week and I am thankful for that. Everything in the spirit of Thanksgiving, guys. Now we're watching this segment about a middle school in Los Angeles, narrated by Mario Lopez. I guess it's about keeping music in the schools but really it's more about Best Buy advertising right before Black Friday. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
The X-Factor contestants visit the school, split a speech up in true middle school fashion, and introduce the new Best Buy music room. It's decked out with unnecessary headphones, recording rooms (also unnecessary), and tablets. Gee, thanks, Best Buy. Nobody needs that garbage. But the choir gets to perform with the Top 10 live on this episode, which is happening ... right now! Thanksgiving!
The group, in honor of Thanksgiving, is singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. Some of the contestants are over-singing it, and Diamond White is wearing that stupid bedazzled baseball hat again. The middle school students step on stage and sing the chorus without emotion, but with plenty of white bow-ties, like they're at some kind of kids' Texas cattle auction.
It's official, Mario Lopez does not know what show he's hosting, or the emotional impact of what he's saying. He's a teleprompter-reading replicant. Khloe, on the other hand, cares too much because this is her first actual job. The first result is immediate: the act at the very bottom, going home immediately, is Arin Ray.
Britney tells Arin to take this as a learning experience, and notes that this isn't the last we'll hear from him. It might be, though. Britney's hair looks amazing for a change, but also a little bit like a First Lady Halloween costume. I love her forever.
After a commercial break, Mario Lopez announces that Arin Ray has left the competition, and one more act will feel the salty sting of Thanksgiving. "Whoo, emotional," Khloe adds mechanically. They are knocking it out of the park in the hosting game tonight. Without even wasting another breath on Arin Ray, Khloe and Mario introduce Cher Lloyd. She is thin and annoying.
This new song features another young girl who sounds exactly like Cher Lloyd, and everyone is like, "oh good, there's two of them." I think I like that Cher Lloyd is dressed like an old-timey saloon girl, but sluttier. Supposedly she is nineteen, which gives her the legal right to dance like that and wear a glorified, western-themed bra. The hosts tell us not to forget to buy Cher's new single, but it's likely that it will slip my mind.
Now, it's time for the results with all the works. Britney Spears is still three strong, despite the loss of Arin Ray. L.A. Reid should feel confident with "Bless the USA" Vino Alan and "Also Bless the USA" Tate Stevens. Demi Lovato's acts will be gone soon because she is a terrible mentor. Simon has two good groups.
Diamond White, of the Teens, is safe, as is Vino Alan. Salute the Troops. Carly Rose Sonnenclar is amazing and safe, and so is Fifth Harmony, who thanked God. Tate Stevens is through, to no one's surprise. The act through is Paige Thomas, which really surprises her and everyone. This leaves Emblem Three, Beatrice Miller, and CeCe Frey. The final act through is Emblem Three. Is it Emblem3? I hope they spell it out. California boys are safe, Beatrice and CeCe are a wreck.
Beatrice has been acting like she's in the bottom for weeks now, so it was only a matter of time before the universe gave her what it thought she wanted, governed by the laws of The Secret. CeCe had a one week reprieve, but in the end she's still unlikeable and not as good a singer as we thought.
CeCe sings first, and she should just go because she's running out of songs to sing to save herself. Demi Lovato introduces CeCe, pronouncing her last name wrong yet again, even after Mario Lopez got public confirmation from CeCe herself. CeCe takes her earpiece out after a few notes and whine-sings "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. I am very tired of CeCe, and her style is really grating on my nerves. But I'm torn, because Beatrice Miller is also not very good.
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CeCe may have a sister with Cerebral Palsy who died on Christmas Eve, but Beatrice Miller has two moms. She sings "White Flag" by Dido, incredibly upset the whole way through. The most upsetting thing to me is the way they keep dressing Beatrice. She looks like a little white member of Kris Kross. Once she finishes singing, Beatrice breaks down into tears yet again.
It's time to hear from the judges. Demi, whose opinion is obvious, wants to send home Beatrice Miller. I do like Demi's bouffant. Britney votes to send home CeCe. L.A. Reid says there's nothing easy about this decision; they've both had good nights and bad nights, but he wants to send Beatrice home. My family thinks they should send Beatrice home for her own sanity, and I'm inclined to agree.
Simon says he likes Beatrice but it seems like it's all becoming too much for her, he also notes that CeCe has been in the bottom a lot. It's really time for a couple mercy kills, America. In the spirit of YOLO, Simon eliminates Beatrice. Beatrice ugly-cries as Mario Lopez introduces her farewell package, seeming not to notice. Happy Thanksgiving, Beatrice, please calm down, you're making us uncomfortable.
Britney congratulates Beatrice on a job well done, and Khloe asks Beatrice for any final thoughts, interrupting whatever inane thing Mario Lopez was about to say. Beatrice apologizes to her sisters, which is quite possibly the most devastating moment on this show yet.
After a commercial break, Beatrice Miller and her river of tears have been scooped away by the Oompa Loompas, and it's time to check the leaderboard. Khloe notes that saying goodbye to Beatrice was "seriously, so heart-wrenching" for her. It's all about what Khloe feels, on behalf of herself and Mario, who spent years building up a resistance to iocane powder and emotion.
CeCe Frey is, of course, in the bottom spot at number 8. Fifth Harmony lands in seventh place. Sixth place this week belongs to Paige Thomas. Khloe pauses the results, which causes Mario Lopez to peak at his results card and give Khloe the side-eye. He has a tight ship to run. Khloe asks Demi how she feels, and Demi feeds everyone some bullshit about how these are her top two superstar acts, no matter what the world thinks. No, girl.
"In fifth place," Mario Lopez continues. Diamond White is in fifth place, and there was less than a half a percent between fourth and third place this week. It doesn't matter. Fourth place belongs to Emblem3; Vino Alan is in third place. Some things never change, and let's just give the finale to Carly Rose and Tate Stevens already. It's starting to get demoralizing for the rest of the acts, feeling like they're just marking time.
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Second place goes to Tate Stevens, who went first this week, which puts Carly Rose Sonenclar in first place, because she went last. It's still anyone's game, and by "anyone's" I mean Tate's or Carly's.
What a Thanksgiving. In the end, Arin and Beatrice have nothing to be thankful for. They will always remember Thanksgiving as the most stressful day of their teenage lives, and will probably talk about "that time they were on a reality show" at the dinner table for many Thanksgivings to come. Beatrice will cry every time, and people will stop inviting her over to spend the holiday with them. This could be the beginning of a beautiful, seasonal tradition.
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