Double elimination tonight and a "world exclusive performance from Taylor Swift!" Really? Taylor Swift isn't performing anywhere else in the world, ever? Ever ever ever? Oh my God, look what she's done to me already!
After the credits, Mario and Khloe come out and I'm devastated to have to tell you that somebody obviously mugged Khloe and put pants on her. They remind us of the upcoming double eliminations, say hi to the mentors (already cozy at the judges' table), promise to reveal the full rankings again this week and flog the upcoming Taylor Swift performance. But first we get the recap from last night with the songs, the judges' comments and a few backstage moments as usual. Tate Stevens was all about his wife, Diamond White was pretty happy with how things went, Beatrice Miller had a minor emotional crash after Simon's comments, Lyric Da Queen said she trusts Simon and Arin endured attempts by his mom and sort-of girlfriend in Fifth Harmony to buck him up after getting thumped by the judges. Paige said she channeled her late mother, Fifth Harmony had a happy, L.A. told Carly she was too good, Vino felt good about his performance aside from boring Demi and Emblem3 said, "We literally pulled off diva week pretty legit." And CeCe also took a beating from the judges and cried to Tate, who held her hand and kissed her on the forehead while she tried to work up some tears.
The top twelve come out onstage and Mario announces that the first act will be leaving right now. Of course "right now" means after thirty seconds of pausing, after which Mario says the person going home is... "Going to be revealed right after the break." Nice one, D-crest.
The break's over, so we find out right now, right? Right? Nope, there's some more pausing and then Mario announces that it's over for... Lyric 145. Okay, I hate what Simon's done to them, but I wasn't expecting that. Khloe goes over and says they'll be sad to see them go, as if anyone cares. Lyric says they're feeling good although they didn't really get a chance to show what they had. So on to the farewell montage, which begins with the initial, separate auditions of One4Five and Lyric Da Queen and then their reincarnation as a hip-hop Frankengroup. Alas, there was so much potential that led to so much stupid.
So then, after the ads, there's a whole intro-reel montage about how awesome Taylor Swift is, in case you haven't heard of her. The song is "State of Grace", which she sings dressed in her current nerd-poet aesthetic on a stage filled with glowing Wal-Mart logos. The song's not bad, but it wouldn't have been out of place on 120 Minutes in the '80s. Plus her band is working a lot harder than she is. But she's already Taylor Swift, so what does she care? Also, is it my Thursday-Thweecap-addled brain or does she resemble a blonde Erin from The Office? After she's done, Khloe and Mario come out and ask her for any advice she might have for young artists like herself. She basically says to be nice to people. And then you can go write songs about them afterwards.
After the break, Mario and Khloe (who actually says at one point, "Yes. And. First.") make the ceremonial presentation of the remaining acts and their mentors, as though this is the first time we've seen them tonight. That would be Britney and her four teens, Demi and her three (what the hell is CeCe Frey wearing?), L.A. and his remaining two and Simon and the eight people in what's left of his Groups category. Seriously, you can see side-ass when CeCe walks. Might be too little too late, honey.
Now that everyone's onstage, Mario announces the first name, which is Arin Ray. Arin can't believe it and of course Khloe walks all over his moment of incredulity to announce that Vino is also safe. Also safe are Carly Rose Sonenclar, Diamond White, Tate Stevens, Emblem3, Beatrice Miller and CeCe Frey, whose name leads to mixed cheers and boos from the audience. That leaves Jennel, Paige and Fifth Harmony, only one of which will go to the top ten. Think Simon's pissed? Yeah, Simon's pissed.
We have to sit through another commercial break before Mario announces that Fifth Harmony is rounding out the top ten. Sucks to be Demi right now; she's about lose one of her Young Adults no matter what. Mario and Khloe talk over each other telling everyone where to go and once the hosts have resumed control of the stage that is rightfully theirs, Mario asks Simon for his thoughts. He says he feels really bad for Demi and you can tell by his shit-eating grin that he totally means it. Mario asks Demi to introduce her act. Demi says she doesn't know who it is, so Mario tells her it's Jennel Garcia and Demi introduces Jennel Garcia. Have to observe the formalities, after all.
Jennel's "save me" song is "The Reason," which turns out to be a pretty appropriate song about begging not to be dumped in this context as well as its original one. It's pretty emotional -- almost too much, because she has a little trouble keeping in tune while, you know, begging not to get dumped. We'll see how that goes.
Paige comes out to sing, but the camera would rather focus on Demi, who spends most of the performance trying (and failing) not to look like she hasn't already made up her mind. Girlfriend is totally checked out. Paige finishes the song on her knees, meaning Mario and Khloe have to help her up given that she's trapped in another one of those unwearable outfits Demi keeps trapping her in. They bring Jennel out and make her stand there to Paige while Mario starts polling the judges. L.A. says he's shocked that either of them is up there, but he's sending home Jennel. Britney says they're both amazing performers and "it's really interesting to see." But she's also sending home Jennel, whose only hope now is being saved by the vote in a Deadlock situation. Mario asks Simon who he's sending home, adding that if it's Jennel, she's done. "Can't we hear what Demi's got to say first?" Simon asks, because he's nothing if not a gentleman. A gentleman who wants the last word and has to always throw a wrench into this whole ritual. He sits back and smugly folds his arms while Mario tries to talk him into behaving himself, repeatedly calling him "Sir" and "Mr. Cowell" until he abruptly gives in and says, "You're the boss, we'll go to Demi." Thank you, Mario's earpiece, you wuss. Demi says, "The act I'm sending home tonight is... why don't we see from Simon first, because he was supposed to go?" Mario reminds Demi that they're messing with people's heads and insists on an answer. Like Demi's the one being unreasonable. After a pause long enough for Mario to ask her again, she finally names Paige. So it's two to one and it's down to Simon, just like he wanted. And after saying that it was an easy decision, he sends home Jennel. Paige is dismissed from the stage and Demi sits at the judges' table with her head in her hands totally sandbagged, while Jennel has to face the grilling from Khloe and Mario before they go into her farewell montage. During almost all of which we get to watch her cry and get hugged by Demi in the picture-in-picture, right up to the clip of last night's performance. After that, Demi gives Jennel some tearful assurances. With both eliminations out of the way, there's very little show left. And that's my assurance.
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So let's move onto the vote rankings of the top ten, shall we? With all the acts on stage, the hosts start filling out the leaderboard. Of course, Paige is at the bottom in tenth place. Ninth place went to Arin Ray, who barely escaped the bottom two twice in a row, so he should probably work extra hard on his second song for week. Same for Beatrice, who is back in the spot right above him and not too thrilled even when they point out that she's up two slots from last week. They pause for some thoughts from Britney, who has three of her four singers in seventh, eighth and ninth place, and all she says is how proud she is of them. She so doesn't give a crap. They're all Carly-fodder as far as she's concerned. We learn that Fifth Harmony has dropped one slot to sixth place. CeCe shot up seven spots to fifth, which Demi's pretty pleased about, saying they're going in the right direction. Says her.
Before getting into the top four, Mario says that less than three percent of the vote separates them, which is an almost completely meaningless piece of information. Emblem3 came in fourth, up two spots from last week. Simon admits they have to work harder week. Vino Alan is back in third place and he looks like he's feeling pretty good about it. So once again it's down to Carly Rose Sonenclar and Tate Stevens and while gathering them at center stage, Mario says they're only one-third of one percent of the vote apart. "That's, like, that much," says The X Factor's own Nate Silver. And Tate wins another week. As Carly leaves the stage, Tate gives a shout-out to "Tate Nation" and says it feels good. Mario signs off, reminding us how devastating it would be to get this far and have to go home week. On Thanksgiving Day? Man, that's some bullshit.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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