You can tell The X Factor has its big-boy pants on tonight, because I think the voice-over guy is one I've actually heard before, outside the context of this show. We're reminded that Jason Brock got the boot last week, all the other acts were ranked in order of votes FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, and we're told that the theme for tonight is "Songs of the Divas." Just rub that salt in Jason Brock's wounds, Actual Voice-Over Guy. The mentors talk big over yet another replay of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Two Tribes," even though it's four tribes going to war. They should really play it twice.
Mario and Khloe come out onstage, and what she's wearing tonight... I'm sorry, I can't even. They throw the leaderboard up on the big projection screens because they're still super-thrilled about how that happened for THE FIRST TIME EVER. Yes, show, I heard you THE FIRST TIME EVER. The hosts introduce the judges and flog the diva theme for a while before coaxing some more bragging out of each of the mentors, not that it takes much effort.
Demi starts things off by introducing Jennel, who we learn is also a dance instructor back home. She Skypes with her students, and Demi tells her about how they're going to see her do better than the seventh place she pulled off last week. Too bad Demi has her doing a watered-down version of Ike & Tina Turner's "Proud Mary." L.A. tells her she has returned to the competition, Britney says Tina would be proud, and Simon agrees that she's back in the game, probably because he likes her hair again. "I'm glad you listened to me," he says. Demi agrees that they did it together. When the hosts come out, Khloe asks Jennel if she wants to respond to any of the criticism she got the last couple of weeks. Jennel: "Um, no." Smart, too.
Keep talking about the X Factor app as long as you want, Mario. I'm just going to skip it like every other commercial.
L.A. claims that Tate Stevens represents "every American who ever gave up on their dreams." Uh, thank you? In his intro reel, we learn about how Tate met his wife at age 17, and he tells the story to CeCe, who's doing a good job of feigning interest at least while the cameras roll. Tate says he isn't coasting on his number-one vote total from last week. Which is good, because he probably isn't going to repeat it. He's singing "At This Moment" by Shania Twain, and I have to admit that he isn't remotely complacent, nailing the key change and not only singing to his wife in his mind, but singing to his wife while she's really mad at him in his mind (his actual wife is looking proud backstage). Britney compliments him on his vocals and how heartfelt it was. Demi can only say he's really good, and Simon reluctantly says, "That was better than last week," but remembers to make it about the design of the show (and this giving himself part of the credit) before saying he'd be happy to write the five-million-dollar check to Tate. L.A. just says that's good, because he's going to. And then the hosts come out and Khloe blatantly grubs for another Make-Tate-Cry bonus for herself.
Coming back, Mario's up in the audience surrounded by girls and talking about all the pressure on the finalists. And then he throws it to Khloe, who is backstage sinking her claws into Arin Ray and putting pressure on him to talk about the pressure he's under. Fortunately, the pressure to be more articulate than Khloe Kardashian-Odom is something that proves quite... tolerable.
Britney introduces Diamond White, who, we're reminded, came in fourth last week, after being turfed the week before. During her mentoring session, she thanks Britney for bringing her back, as though Britney had anything to do with it. Britney did give her "Halo," Diamond's vocal performance of which rather suffers by comparison to Beyonce's. At least the production is a little toned down, aside from how the entire mise en scene is transformed into Diamond White's literal halo by the end of the song. L.A. says she filled those shoes well despite starting out shaky. Demi says she really is a diva, "in the best way possible." Simon advises her, "Don't walk and sing at the same time," but he thinks they're looking at a future star. Although he doesn't say how far in the future. Britney's just proud of her and how she keeps getting better. Mario asks Diamond what's the most diva thing about her, and Diamond talks about her performer alter ego, which is almost embarrassing, but then Khloe saves her by going on about her alter ego, "Khlo-money," which is even more embarrassing. Finally she does something right, even if she didn't mean to.
After the ads, Mario and Khloe talk about how the winner not only gets the five-million-dollar contract, but a Pepsi commercial to be shown during the Grammys. Bit of a step down from the Super Bowl, no?
Britney introduces Beatrice Miller, who we find out was really happy last week about making it through, but then finding out she was in tenth place kind of harshed her buzz. Plus there's the fact that all of the financial prospects of her entire two-mom family are currently resting on her winning five million dollars, which is kind of a lot of pressure. Britney has her sing "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper while wearing a "YOLO" hat and almost everything else, while sitting in front of a projection of a giant hourglass that I'm 92.36 percent sure has been used on this show before. She sings it like it's "True Colors," and I think I've figured out what her vocal thing is: she's clearly been brought up in a house where a lot of Joni Mitchell gets played. That was in The Kids Are All Right so it must be true. Anyway, L.A. says she's "so cute" but it wasn't the best song choice to show her chops with. "It's the song's fault, not yours." Demi liked the song, and what Beatrice did with it, while Simon disagrees with L.A. by saying that Beatrice is actually better when she doesn't push. Which of course means she's doomed in this competition. Britney cuts in about how Beatrice has more talent in her pinky than Simon's entire category. Ooh, burn.
Before introducing his first act of the night, Simon tells us that the act changed songs at midnight the day before. Why does he keep doing that to his people? Anyway, it's Lyric 145, and in their intro reel, their choreographer asks the former One4Five about their people back home in the path of Sandy. And we hear on a phone call home that they have power but still no cable or internet. We'll see how Lyric 145's fortunes decline when their families can't all vote for them. But I'm glad to say that Simon has toned down their wardrobe this week so that they're not wearing every single color at the same time. Yet he's made up for it by saddling them with a mash-up of Queen's "We Will Rock You" and "E.T." by Katy Perry. When they're done, L.A. laughs, asking who the diva was. "Freddie Mercury was a diva," Simon says matter-of-factly, rather putting L.A. in his place. L.A. says it was better than last week, but they've lost their way. "This could be the last time we see you," he chirps. Now, now, there's always tomorrow. Britney lectures that they're a hip-hop group and should be doing hip-hop songs. Out of the mouths of babes and barely-present people. Demi thinks it was a little overkill and she didn't get it. Simon reminds everyone that they put this together in hours and didn't complain about it. So stop complaining, Simon.
After the break, Mario says Taylor Swift will be performing during tomorrow night's results show. Khloe says it's going to be depressing. But I guess she means that's because two finalists will be going home. I feel the exact opposite way they do about what's going to be depressing and what isn't.
Britney introduces Arin Ray, who just barely scraped out of being in the bottom two last week. "Being ranked eleven sucks," he says. Britney has assigned him "Crazy for You," and Arin shyly says he might be singing that to "a friend." That would be his Boot Camp duet partner, Normani, now a member of Fifth Harmony. Backstage last week, Arin told his skeptical brother Aris how he and Normani are just friends. Hey, when do we meet Arin's other siblings Ario, Arip, Ariq, and Arir? At the mansion, Arin and Normani play pool and he says he doesn't want to go home again. "I would miss you," Normani says, like she's not also in the competition. Anyway, Arin comes out and sings the Madonna song from the seminal wrestling film Vision Quest, practically a cappella through the first verse until an R&B beat kicks in. Sorry to say it, but the more layers under his voice, the better it sounds. When he finishes, we briefly cut backstage to where Normani is standing with her bandmates, all in white dresses, looking like she's going to marry Arin afterward and so are all the rest of them. L.A. was unimpressed, Demi was bored, and Simon thinks Arin hated it too. Arin is visibly pissed as the criticism piles up, and Britney's forced compliment doesn't help. Neither does Mario's, as he and Khloe come out and say he did a good job handling the technical glitch at the beginning of the song. And then he and Khloe get all middle-school about Arin and Normani. We go out on Arin's pissy pout, which is going to make just everyone want to vote for him.
Demi introduces Paige Thomas, who will apparently be doing "Last Dance" by Donna Summer. Paige plans to draw on her personal life for this performance. I'm all set to make fun of what a deeply emotional song "Last Dance" is, but then Paige reveals that her mother was killed in a car accident when Paige was six, on Christmas Eve. Nice one, Santa. Paige cuts a rather striking figure for her performance, standing behind a mirrored pyramid that serves as a mic stand and wearing shoulder pads that make her look like an inverted pyramid. Then the beat kicks in, and it's a decent production, and the arrangement has been updated nicely, but Paige's vocals? Not great. L.A. must not have heard what I did because he says it was her best ever. Britney says it was the "best disco throwback ever," which is not quite word salad, and Simon agrees with L.A. except for how there was too much other distracting stuff on the stage with her. Again. Demi claims that wasn't what she wanted, but promises more sides of Paige in future weeks. How many different polyhedrons can she turn the poor girl into?
Simon has decided that diva week calls for a Mariah Carey song, so he's having Fifth Harmony do "Hero." We see them all talking about how well they've blended, while making pancakes at the contestants' mansion as a single unit. Get it? Blended? So there they are in their white outfits singing the song, and this is one of those performances by them that relies more on passing the lead back and forth than the harmonies. And they actually pull it off, mostly. L.A. says they struggled at the beginning but it turned great and he's happy for them. Britney says Simon's doing a great job with them, and Demi said she expected to be bored but wasn't. Simon generously says to them, "Maybe this isn't a one-horse race." Gosh, Simon, who would that other horse be?
Up is Carly Rose Sonenclar. During her mentoring session, Britney asks Carly about her emotional moment at the end of last week's performance, which was apparently about both her parents being there. We see her dad being supportive, and then Britney breaks the news that she's making Carly sing "My Heart Will Go On." Carly somehow doesn't run screaming from the room. Instead, she ends up singing on a stage surrounded by ruined chandeliers and sounding eerily like... Beatrice Miller. Except Beatrice sang a whole song in the slow, sad mode that the Titanic song famously leaves behind, and Carly blows it out. Advantage: Sonenclar. Again. L.A. turns to Britney and reluctantly says they could be looking at the winner. Demi doesn't actually get how Carly could be so good. Simon takes it further, saying he doesn't believe she's a human being, because you can't do that at thirteen. Britney tells her how proud she is, and when Mario and Khloe ask if she has anything to say to her parents, she of course thanks them and says she loves them. Good, now she doesn't have to say it in private to them later.
After some awkward banter between Mario and Khloe about which of the two of them is the bigger diva (they both agree it's Khloe), L.A. introduces his other remaining act in the competition, Vino Alan. We're reminded how he's in this to provide his son the kind of stability that can only come from being raised by an international pop superstar. We also see some old photos of Vino with the mother of his child during their four-year marriage, before he apparently left her to shave his head and get a shitload of tattoos. L.A.'s pushing him to do even better than last week's third-place finish, and is stretching the diva theme a bit by having him do "Let's Stay Together." Yes, Tina Turner covered that, but I think we're all going to be thinking about Al Green instead. He sounds pretty good, in fact. Britney says his voice is so soulful for someone who looks like him, and Demi agrees but says she was a little bored. That's the biggest word by far in Demi's word-cloud for tonight. Simon tells Vino that his voice is all about "the moment," and this song didn't have it, and that Vino's own choice would have served him better, not that anyone mentions what that would have been. L.A. jumps in and says they picked this one together, and Vino knows better than to disagree.
When the hosts come out, Khloe unwisely gives Vino a chance to appeal to America to vote for him, and he points out that the likes of Phil Collins, Huey Lewis, and Eminem probably didn't seem pop, so I think he's arguing that he might represent some new definition? All I know is I don't think that quadruple bill would sell a lot of tickets. Khloe blows her speech after that and says something I don't think she meant to say. Please don't ask me to transcribe it.
Before introducing Emblem3, Simon tells us that they rescued some drowning kittens from a lake earlier this week. I'm sure they threw the kittens in themselves so they could have an excuse to take their shirts off. We learn see their reaction last week to ending up in lowly sixth place and meet the father of two of them, who somehow looks like a middle-aged version of all three of them. They're doing "No One" by Alicia Keys, making it sound like Jason Mraz Joins a Boy Band, with minimal choreography and relying mostly on the vocals and Drew's arms. L.A. gushes that was the perfect vocal blend and the perfect song and they're what the show needs. "I totally get why the girls are swooned by you," Britney says. Demi seems to have gotten over her crush enough to speak to them coherently, saying it's a big improvement since last week. Simon maintains there's no way they should have been in seventh place last week (not that anyone corrects him that they were actually in sixth), but he's expecting better this week. Yes, the fangirls got a scare and won't be caught flatfooted again.
CeCe Frey gets to wrap it up tonight, after the show raised my hopes that maybe she'd been forgotten. After being in last week's top two, she sobbed to Jennel in the mansion about how she couldn't go home because her mom's at home. Well, she doesn't exactly say that, but it doesn't take too much editing to make it so she did. CeCe claims that her friends and family aren't here because of the cost of travel, and not because nobody wants to be around her. She goes out onstage and whines "All By Myself," saving most of her voice for the big note near the end. L.A. can't think of anything to say other than it was better than last week and "I don't like... your dress." "Hater!" Demi blares down the table at him. "Sorry that she was better than your Vino." L.A. thinks CeCe will be in the bottom again this week. Britney tells CeCe, "Sorry, I just don't get it." L.A. dares Demi to say something to Britney now, like it's nice to talk back to a woman on the edge. Simon says it was too cabaret and she would have been better off singing it literally all by herself, with no one in the room. "For whatever reason, you're not getting it right together, you two," he tells CeCe and Demi both. Demi insists that CeCe nailed it and they're being too hard on her. I think I can figure out exactly where Demi went wrong with CeCe, and it was when she gave her Jillian Jensen's spot.
Mario and Khloe come out to open the lines for voting and introduce the clips of tonight's performance, which sound a lot like they did earlier. And I know we heard earlier that there will be two acts going home tomorrow night, but I'm not sure that's enough.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.