I think I finally figured out what the X Factor theme song sounds like: the music from a 1980s arcade game. Tell me I'm wrong. After the title sequence, Steve kicks off the show from the balcony, and throws it right to Kelly Clarkson on the main stage. Or at least a tiny little Kelly Clarkson-shaped figure on the stage singing "Stronger" while being dwarfed by the busy graphics on the projection screen. Okay, my little-documented adoration for Kelly Clarkson is unreserved and unironic, but the tight metallic dress she's wearing? Honey, no. Her voice holds up almost all the way to the end, at least. Oh, look, Howie Mandel is in the audience. Steve plugs Kelly's new album, promises a performance from Bruno Mars coming up later, all but tugs his forelock to the four judges while they're sitting down from the standing ovation they gave Kelly, and launches the totally unnecessary clip package recapping last night's show, which I already covered once and don't intend to do again. I will say that the camera captured a bit of Simon and L.A.'s argument about Drew's song spilling over backstage last night, until they ordered it shut off because something interesting might have been filmed. Coming back to the live stage, Steve dorks out over what's coming up . I manage not to.
Oh God, here it is, the "Pepsi Choice Performance," which people who care more than I do have been voting about online. Steve tells us that those people picked the song, chose a turntable set, a circus-themed wardrobe, a hip-hop dancing style, and a laser show. And as if just running all that down wasn't embarrassing enough, the actual performance begins. The final nine come out and sings a Pink medley in a migraine-inducing production that looks like Sergeant Pepper leading a military coup against Moulin Rouge, but with clowns. Well you can just rock me to sleep tonight, X Factor.. "Nicely done, America," Steve lies. Yeah, I think that horrorshow just demonstrated everything that's wrong about democracy.
Steve reminds us of the rules for the week: the act who got the fewest votes last night automatically goes home first, and then the second- and third-lowest vote-getters sing for the judges, who will then send one of them home. Steve invites the following acts to join him. After a long pause, he names Lakoda Rayne and Drew, all five of whom looked shocked even though they don't know what it means. That is, until they join Steve on the podium at center stage and he says that one of them is free and clear to week -- and the other is leaving "right now." "Right now" is a relative term on this show, of course. Steve calls Paula and Simon up to stand to their respective acts. While they're making their way up, Steve reminds us of what the judges said about each of them. Then there's a dramatic lighting cue, a long pause, and Steve finally says Lakoda Rayne is done. Steve gets a reaction from Drew, who says she's happy and she loves the girls in Lakoda Rayne. Steve then turns to them and asks how they feel now that the dream is over. Paige vows that it isn't, and she and Hayley threaten that we'll be seeing them everywhere. There's a Lakoda Rayne montage, and the last time we see them on network TV, they're still wearing their ricockulous circus-slut outfits. I think that just demonstrated everything that's right about democracy.
Coming back from the break, Steve is in the audience schmoozing with Howie Mandel, who desperately plugs the show he's on right after this. Steve reminds us that there are still seven nervous acts waiting to learn their fate. But first, he Julie Chens, here's Bruno Mars. Nice of Bruno not to hold a grudge against the show after it broadcast Xander Alexander calling him chubby. His song is an emotional power ballad that's more or less a duet with the projections and light show that ends in a rain of blood. Heartfelt! After he's done, Steve again reminds us of the rules and brings out the remaining acts: Nicole with Josh and LeRoy; L.A. with Marcus, Chris, and Astro; and Simon with Rachel and Melanie (Drew already having been sent through to week and Paula down at the judges' table alone now that all of her acts have gone). Steve wastes little time telling us who the acts to go through are. Or rather, telling us that he's going to tell us who's the to go through. Amid plenty of lengthy pauses, he announces Chris Rene, Rachel Crow and Josh Krajcik before going to ads.
Coming back, Steve tells us that Marcus, Astro, Melanie, and LeRoy are still waiting. And they'll wait a while longer, because Steve's got a nice long pause to perform before saying that the fifth act through to week is Melanie, so that makes it a sweep for Simon this week. Marcus, Astro, and LeRoy are now vying to stay out of the bottom two. Steve reads a refresher of what the judges said to each of them, and finally, in no particular order, says that the last performer going straight through to week is...Astro. He's pretty happy about it, obvs, and goes scampering off the stage. That leaves Marcus and LeRoy in the bottom two, with L.A. and Nicole at their respective sides. Marcus says he's feeling "kinda funny," but they'll see what happens. LeRoy simply says he's scared. Well, one of them's going home after this and it probably isn't Marcus.
After the ads, L.A. introduces Marcus Canty, who comes out carrying his own microphone stand and sings a song about how the love is gone. He sounds good, but the comes off a little whiny for someone who's in the bottom three. But then LeRoy comes out and sings "Don't Let Me Down." He also sounds really good, throwing a key change and everything, but is there some kind of unwritten rule that the "save me" performances have to be songs that come off desperate and needy? If nothing else, Nicole's sure putting on a convincing show of enjoying the performance. Once he's done, Steve directs LeRoy and Marcus to their marks flanking him at center stage and warns us that someone's dream is about to end. Doesn't it always?
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After the break, Steve starts with L.A., asking who he's sending home, as if there's any doubts. Still, L.A. makes a speech about varying tastes, and talks about Marcus's consistency versus LeRoy's "sizzle." Before stating a name, L.A. makes a case to the other judges that Marcus could be a huge star. "It pains me, because I dig this cat, man, but I'm gonna have to send you home, LeRoy." Steve turns to Nicole, who agrees that Marcus is a star, but LeRoy is a testament about how it's never too late, so she's voting to send home Marcus. Which I'm sure has nothing to do with how she's also LeRoy's mentor. Steve then turns to Paula, who's surprisingly together now that she's just going to be kibitzing for the rest of the season. And now that she has the floor, she's going to by God make use of it. Paula tells Marcus he's one of her favorites and has the ability to be a massive star, but didn't do as well tonight as LeRoy did. In fact, she thinks they'll both be stars. Steve rushes her along, saying, "I'm getting screamed at." Paula votes to send home Marcus, so it's currently 2-1 in favor of keeping LeRoy.
Steve tells Simon, who knows it good and well, that it's up to him to either get rid of Marcus outright or vote to keep him and go do "deadlock." Simon says he likes them both; Marcus is edging ahead, but LeRoy did better tonight, so he's leaving it up to the public; he votes to send home LeRoy. That puts it in deadlock. Every light in the place goes briefly red like it's the Brady Bunch's darkroom as Steve explains that it's now down to which of the two of them got fewer votes last night and this will be going home now. And it's... LeRoy. Steve congratulates Marcus and sends him on his way, then turns to LeRoy to ask how he feels. LeRoy says he's okay, talking about what a great experience it was, and Nicole jumps up onstage to snatch the microphone and screech, "And he's amazing!" LeRoy gets his allotment of hugs from the judges and the other contestants in the picture-in-picture window during the video montage of his time on the show. After that, Steve asks Nicole for her reaction, and she's taking it pretty well, confident that LeRoy isn't done. Steve fishes LeRoy out of the herd for some final words, and LeRoy thanks everyone for the support. Steve tells us one of the final seven will win the five-million-dollar recording contract, and promises another double elimination week, on their regular night. "At this stage, being brilliant isn't enough; you've gotta be amazing." So we have that to look forward to.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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