Looks like it's going to be Michael Jackson week. We're reminded that Lakoda Rayne and LeRoy Bell were eliminated last week, and as the lame voice-over guy says, "Paula and the groups are out of the competition." So where does that leave her? She tells us she's now the only impartial judge. Which is true, as long as "impartial" doesn't mean "all there." Nicole says she lost two acts, but doesn't plan to lose any more. What, she's going to keep all one of them? L.A. says his guys are working overtime. Simon snarks, "Biggest star of all time, double elimination, no pressure," And then a big, blurry, scary Michael Jackson face morphs into the opening credits.
The dancers gyrate to "Bad" onstage, and thus Steve Jones enters to the question, "Who's bad?" Not Steve, that's for damn sure. He dorks about how there will be two acts going home this week, and brings the four judges out onstage. Steve reminds us that Nicole's down to only one remaining act, and even with no groups left to mentor, Paula remains "a very impressive judge." In the sense that Princess Bride had an impressive clergyman, maybe. We get a whole Michael Jackson intro reel, which for some reason includes not only a lot of grainy archival footage that makes it seem like his heyday was back around the same time as the Beatles, but also a long plug of a Jacko-themed Cirque du Soleil show. Then, inexplicably, Steve trots out Michael's brothers Marlon, Tito and Jackie. That's really not germane. Jackie also points out Michael's mom and three kids in the audience. So I guess they all have a lot more free time now that the Conrad Murray trial is over, is that it?
Steve's up at his back-from-ads balcony, telling us to use the hashtag #Beatit to Tweet stories about how MJ music helped us overcome a challenge. Yeeeahh, I don't think I'll be doing that.
Steve yields the floor to Nicole to introduce Josh Krajcik. In his intro reel, Josh talks about listening to Michael Jackson records growing up and thinking he was the coolest guy ever. Yeah, I knew guys like Josh growing up and they hated Michael Jackson, not that anyone's allowed to say that now. He also talks about his plan to play guitar, which he picked it up at age 12 when his dad (!) bought him his first one, and how this is totally different from what he usually does.
And indeed, seeing him up onstage doing a lite-metal version of "Dirty Diana" with his Strat on his back soon tells us why. The theme of the production is clearly chain-link fences and half-dressed dancers. I guess this is what happens when Nicole has just one act left to pour all her bad ideas over. Josh actually takes the guitar solo, scratching it out while the dancers get even more undressed.
Once it's over, L.A. gives him credit for going out of his comfort zone and landing on his feet. Paula tells him great job and tells everyone to vote. Simon says he liked the "spectacle -- however," and says he was over-produced, for which he blames Nicole. She comes right back at him, saying she and Josh actually like to take risks, unlike Simon. Zing! Steve comes out with the voting instructions and yet more inexplicable Cirque du Soleil plugging.
Coming back, Steve reminds us that the winner also gets to be in a Pepsi commercial -- just like Michael Jackson! I hope the prize package also includes a fireproof hat.
Astro talks about how happy he was not to be in the bottom two again last week after prepping himself hard for it. Then his mom undercuts this mature moment by telling us how he wrote his first song at age nine and called it "Party Arty," because apparently those were the only words. This is also a new area for Astro, as he and L.A. and Nicole all interview.
Astro does an anti-racism rap vaguely based on "Black or White," peppered with the word "dope" and surrounded by dancers in completely mystifying multinational costumes while MJs kids look on stonefaced. Astro seems to be starting to blur the line between doing the best rapping and the most rapping, if you know what I mean.
Nicole tells him it was "B double-A-D bad," (because she is D-U-M) and says that while it wasn't her favorite performance of his, he seemed to be having the most fun she's ever seen him have. I wouldn't disagree with that. Paula calls Astro not only the future, but the past and the present, "and that's the best compliment I can give you." If only it made sense. Simon disagrees with Nicole, saying this is exactly what Astro should have done. L.A. talks about how proud he (and hopefully the Jacksons) is. The Jacksons look like, "Don't drag us into this." Steve does the voting instructions, and tells Astro, "That was dope." Thank you, Steve, for reminding us that "dope" is also a noun.
During the ads, Katherine Jackson has been given a microphone so she can tell Steve about how she always watches the show and thus is happy to be here to see it live. Prince and Paris also get to talk about the Cirque show and this show going on here right now. No airtime for Blanket, though. You'd think he'd get a little more coverage. Don't worry, I'll punish myself for that one later.
Simon introduces Drew: "No gimmicks, just her," he taunts. Her intro reel is a flashback to L.A.'s contretemps with Drew over last week's song selection, and her parents talking about how shy she was as a kid, and how nervous she is this week about what Simon is making her do. "Trust me," he insists, like he's giving her a choice.
The song is, believe it or not, "Billie Jean," which Drew sings slow, creepy and in a minor key. Believe it or not. Only this time she's sitting pigeon-toed in a chair on a bare stage accompanied by a single piano, so it's a total departure from her usual schtick, right? I have to admit that Drew would be the perfect pop star if we lived in a universe where pop stars were simply hung on the wall to sing like those novelty mounted fish ten years ago.
Simon gives her a standing ovation, and L.A. is going to have to wait through quite a bit of approving crowd noise before telling her, "It pains me to say this...but I liked it." Nicole misses her cue, then tells Drew, "I like you." But she doesn't like the bit with the chair, and accuses Simon of playing it safe with her. As much as she liked Drew's singing, "I wanted you to get up from the dang chair!" Paula tells her it was her best vocal performance, but dings Simon for not having anything visual going on and begs Drew to do an up-tempo song already. Rather than addressing his mentee, Simon responds to Paula, saying, "Too much dancing is why your acts are out of the competition right now." Oh, no he di--what am I saying, of course he totally did. He also says Nicole was talking nonsense and they wanted to keep it simple. They try to argue with him, but unfortunately for Nicole and Paula, Steve's got three minutes of voting instructions and download-flogging before telling Drew she continues to be their most divisive contestant. What a thrill for her.
Simon introduces Rachel, who's quite impressed with the whole Michael Jackson thing. "By the time he was my age he was super-famous and I hope that I'm as successful as him." Good luck with that. Apparently she left tiny Mead, Colorado for L.A. a year and a half ago to become a star. Simon interviews about Rachel's level of determination, which she herself backs up.
And what Simon held back on for Drew's production, he applies to Rachel's with a vengeance, as she sings "Can You Feel It" with herself and the dancers in MJ-esque costumes, and glitter everywhere, and "Seven Nation Army" triangles zooming out from the projection screens throughout. It's all a really big distraction from the fact that this isn't her best singing performance.
L.A. tells her this is the first time he didn't feel like she was having a great time. Rachel just says she did her best. Nicole pretty much agrees with L.A. Paula tells Rachel she adores her, but not the song choice. Simon of course takes this all personally before telling Rachel she's awesome and it's up to the public. She looks a little stressed out through Steve's voting instructions, although she covers it as well as any teenager could be expected to.
Hey, the commercials are advertising some other show that seems to be about a singing competition! What a rip-off!
Steve reads the most boring #Beatit Tweet anyone in the production booth could find on all of Twitter, and then throws it over to L.A., who introduces Marcus Canty in that fussy voice L.A. always uses for Marcus and only for Marcus. Marcus interviews about surviving the bottom two last week and wanting to work harder this week.
Then he appears onstage in a keyboard-patterned vest to sing "PYT." Which, I had forgotten how dumb the lyrics of that song are. In addition to all the chick dancers in skin-tight ringmaster outfits writhing around him, there are also silhouettes of them up on the screens like a cheap James Bond title sequence. Marcus performs an actual backflip at one point late in the song, but the Jackson kids remain unimpressed. They just need to stop cutting to them.
Nicole gushes about how Marcus is the whole package, Paula agrees, calling him "the entertainer of this show." Simon agrees with all of that, but dings Marcus for his vocals, pointing out that he got a little short of breath, which he correctly blames on the frenetic choreography he was doing at the same time. Nicole and Paula also get short of breath trying to shout him down until Steve turns to L.A., who compliments the performance as though he had nothing to do with it.
I do enjoy these bank commercials that are all about what idiots our kids are.
One boy left, and in Chris Rene's intro reel, we learn that his grandfather wrote "Rockin' Robin," which of course was recorded by the Jackson 5. Grandpa looked a lot like a lot like how Chris would have turned out with more melanin instead of meth. Oh, and there's Chris's sister Gina, whom we haven't seen since she was culled at Boot Camp. Hi, Gina. Chris and Simon and L.A. talk about how this is out of Chris's comfort zone, like we haven't heard all that before about the other contestants, but at least they're talking about something besides Chris's recovery.
He comes out in a bedazzled letter jacket to croon "I'll Be There" in hip-hop style. He's a bit off-key, as he usually is when he isn't rapping, but then he throws a little rap in that's almost a relief. Really, Chris, steer clear of the high notes, dude.
Nicole blathers about spirit, and says he sounded the best he's ever sang. Paula also tells him he looks better than ever, and Paula tells L.A. that the reason he has trouble picking songs for Chris is because Chris needs to write his own, hence the success of "Young Homie" on the download hot 100 or whatever. Simon agrees with me that the singing was a little rough and adds that he's going to need a lot of hometown support. L.A. says something vaguely supportive before Steve takes over with the voting instructions and the news that one singer is left to perform tonight.
That would be Melanie, and her intro-reel reminds us how last week she busted out with her Caribbean accent out of nowhere. Melanie interviews (in that same accent) how she tried to cover it when she first came back from the Virgin Islands as a teenager, but last week it just came out. Simon tells us he gave her a song that's one of MJ's biggest hits, but one you normally don't touch. "It could go wrong, but, you know, that's what it's all about. You've got to take big risks sometimes."
Melanie comes out dressed like an extra from Underworld and sings...I'm sorry, I don't know this song at all. Google tells me it's "What About Us," which, obviously I don't know every Michael Jackson song, but until tonight I was pretty sure I was at least aware of the "biggest hits." She sings the hell out of it, of course.
L.A. says it might have been the best performance of the night; Nicole says it was one of the best of the whole show, good enough to save a small country; Paula calls it "gorgeous" and "flawless," and Simon says he couldn't be any prouder, giving a shout-out to all the Jacksons here tonight.
Steve comes out and agrees it was "epic," then gives the voting numbers, launches the montage of tonight's performances, and comes back onstage with the finalists. Which would look like a much smaller crowd if the backup singers and dancers weren't also up there. He declares the voting lines open and reminds us to dial 855 and not 800 or 866. Don't worry, Steve, I won't be dialing 8-anything. Steve says it was his favorite night ever, lets the non-L.A. judges suck up to the Jacksons, and gets a final word from Katherine and the kids. "It's a really well-put-together show," Prince says, and she and Paris both compliment all the performers. Well, verbally at least.
Results tomorrow, and in signing off, Steve embarrasses himself by screwing up the title of the imminent premiere of a lame sitcom that nobody will remember this time month anyway.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.