Wait, is everyone in the top nine dead? They appear in front of a white background over the sound of a heavenly chorus, telling us about what they're thankful for: Chris, for "the man who helped me save my life," Rachel for her parents adopting her, Josh for his daughter, Lakoda Rayne for whoever "shaped" them, Marcus for his mom, Melanie for God, Astro for his fans, Drew for her best friend and LeRoy for his mother. So it's the "Thanksgiving Special," as confirmed by the lame voice-over guy. There's a callback to last week's drama when Astro was in the bottom two, and a lot of promises about how emotional tonight's show will be. With Stacy Francis gone? Fat chance.
Steve's rocking the three-piece suit tonight as he tells us that two acts will be going home this week. I'm giving thanks for that right now. The judges are trotted out, and Steve tells us how it's going to go down: the act who receives the fewest votes tonight will automatically go home first tomorrow, and then the remaining bottom two after that will compete to stay in it, and the judges will send home the one they like least. Steve invites us to Tweet tonight using the hashtag #ohsnap (no thanks, Steve), and then turns to L.A. to talk about last week and "Astrogate." L.A. explains that the way Astro handled being in the bottom two last week was the way he was taught to handle it, being from a rough Brooklyn neighborhood and all, where the gang-bangers never perform when they're in the bottom two, but he expects a turnaround this week. Steve asks Simon what he's thankful for, and Simon says he's thankful for the talent he's been given. "Why am I being booed for that?" Because people think you're talking about yourself rather than the girls? There's some banter about Thanksgiving plans between the two British guys before Steve teases an upcoming performance from Rachel after the break. Teasing is in order, all right, but in regards to what Rachel's wearing.
Rachel's intro reel is about how her song is dedicated to her family. We learn that Rachel's birth mom was an actual crackhead in an actual crack house, which means that Rachel Crow could be our first crack baby superstar. Are we still allowed to say crack baby? Rachel's obviously beyond fine now. We also meet Rachel's grandmother and her sister who was also adopted, and learn all about how grateful for and proud of each other they all are.
After a quick video dedication from Rachel to her parents, we cut to Rachel onstage. Simon's got her in some Laura Ingalls Vegas Revue outfit and singing "I Believe" by Yolanda Adams. Never mind that this is the first time in my life ever heard this song, it's completely unchallenging for her and uses about half her range. Simon has a strange way of showing his thanks. She does as well as she can with it, though.
L.A. says he wanted to be critical but she shut him down. Nicole blathers about belief and inspiration. Paula says, "If anyone ever questions if there are angels that exist on Earth living, it is you." So Rachel questions angels? Paula even likes the outfit. Simon restates his conviction from way back at the very beginning of the season that Rachel was part of the reason they lowered the age standard for the competition. He can't come up with something new? Well, at least it makes sense, unlike Nicole's and Paula's comments. Steve comes out with the voting instructions, and Rachel says she wants to tell all the kids out there that they can do it. "Inspirational," Steve giggles. He's clearly inspired.
Marcus tells us about how he's giving thanks to his mother, his number one fan, who has such faith in his abilities that she gave him two years to make it as a singer (not that anyone mentions that tonight). They both talk about her trials as a single mother, including one cold winter illustrated with black-and-white footage of windblown trees and falling snow, and about the time she lost her job during his last year of private high school.
Marcus sings perched on a single bleacher, crooning Boys II Men's "A Song for Mama" off-key while she desperately fans at the stage fog thickly spilling over onto her in the orchestra. He ends up coming down and singing right into her face, and then making everyone wait while he hugs her. I'm not sure where the line is between emotional and creepy, but I'm looking behind us right now.
Nicole gushes meanderingly, and Paula talks about the passion and the connection (Paula's all about the connection tonight, I'm warning you now), but Simon says he's going to be honest, and gets some preemptive boos. But then he goes on to say that Marcus has been up and down, but he feels Marcus is back in the competition. L.A. says Marcus is as great as any great singer he's worked with, which I think is overstating it a bit. Steve comes out to ask how Marcus feels, Marcus stutters emotionally, and Steve totally enables it.
Melanie's , and she explains how she's dedicating her performance to God, because he's the only one in her life who's never let her down. Wow, harsh to the people she knows much? Melanie talks about growing up away from her parents in the Virgin Islands and how she thought they didn't love her, and how coming back to Florida after that was a tough transition, but singing in a church helped her find her calling. So. Song for God.
Melanie appears onstage in front of projections that suggest a cathedral and sings "The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly, complete with the full gospel choir and everything. Better than "Trapped in the Closet," at least. She sings it so well that L.A. can't come up with any criticism at all. Melanie actually gives an emotional display for the first time ever, excitedly talking about how happy she is to be here and thanking Simon for bringing her back. And suddenly Melanie's island accent, which we've never heard before, comes out full force as she launches into a whole emotional filibuster. Wow, the walls are totally coming down here.
Steve tries to get things moving again, only to have to stand there while all Nicole wants to do is give Melanie a hug. Paula tells Melanie to stay with the vulnerability and that she doesn't need the choir. Simon starts by defending his own choice, and tells the people voting at home not to let Melanie be one of the two people going home tomorrow. After the way Melanie reached into her own chest and flung her still-beating heart onto the stage, there doesn't seem much chance of that.
Chris Rene's turn, and the first thing we hear from him is, "I have seven months clean and sober." I'm starting to feel like we all need a Chris Rene sobriety calendar in our homes. Tim Fry is the rehab counselor whom Chris credits with saving his life. Chris's family talks about the nightmare of watching his addiction, and Chris tells about the car crash that nearly killed him. But then he took a taxi straight from the hospital to rehab. L.A. interviews that Chris is probably the most thankful person in the competition, and that certainly seems to be the case. His mom's also thankful to Tim.
So after all this talk about how his life was saved, Chris has to sing on a misty stage in front of clouds and pearly gates. I'm thankful that this is the first song all night that I haven't had to Google: The Beatles' "Let it Be." I'd be more thankful without the rap interlude and the fact that he mashes it up with "Young Homey," though. Tim and Chris's mom look quite proud in the audience.
Nicole's grateful that they have him, and Paula says, "It's so nice to hear you get back to where we fell in love with you in the first place." So never sing anything but "Young Homey"? Simon says the first song didn't work, but the second one did, and he adds that Chris's story might be inspirational to other people in the position Chris was in. It's comments like that which make me wonder how Chris would be doing in this competition if he'd never gotten on meth in the first place. L.A. gives a shout-out to the "Believe" tattoo on Chris's arm, and Steve sends us to ads while Chris gives a shout-out to the folks back home.
So Lakoda Rayne continues to exist, against all odds. Paula introduces her one remaining group in glowing terms. As a group, they had to come up with something they can all agree to be thankful for, so they're going with the people who shaped them. Dani (the Michelle Pfeiffer-looking one) has her dad who took them camping when the power was cut off (which she thinks is awesome, but as a dad myself I'm thinking, get your shit together you flighty asshole), Paige (the Tara Reid-looking one) has her skeezy-looking boyfriend who made her believe in herself, Hayley (the Ellen Page-looking one) has her dad who spent his restaurant start-up money on her music instead, and Cari (the tall, blonde Hillary Swank) has her supportive grandmother.
Paula has them onstage sitting in swings singing "You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift. Hayley actually sounds pretty great on the prechorus. On the chorus, they hop down and split up, both choreographically and, alas, harmonically. The good news is that with the loser-stank of the groups category no longer hanging over them like an ID4 saucer, they're actually having a little fun.
L.A. compliments them on actually drumming up some excitement and Nicole says she thought she was watching them in concert, which I think is just about the most sensical compliment she can ever come up with. Simon says this was their best yet, despite the imperfect vocals, and adds, "I genuinely wish two people weren't going home tomorrow night." In other words, goodbye. Paula cries like she just won an Oscar as she tells them how proud she is. Voting instructions, and Steve says LeRoy is up . Oh, are there people over 30 still on this show?
LeRoy's performance is going to be for his mom, who raised him and his five siblings and bought LeRoy his first guitar amp, back when they were first invented. LeRoy reveals that his mother passed away almost two years ago, and he was devastated. LeRoy's brother is also there to make this all more poignant, and LeRoy says his mom wanted him to follow his dream.
He sings "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan, mostly perched on a stool, lit as though through venetian blinds. That is until the lights and the now-obligatory gospel choir comes up on the last chorus, along with LeRoy's skinny ass up off the stool.
L.A. tells LeRoy it was good, but not his best. Paula totally disagrees (as does the audience, loudly), yammering about connection some more. Simon says he has a lot of respect for L.A., but disagrees with him tonight and has nothing but compliments for LeRoy, for once. Nicole talks about what she wanted from this, and Steve comes out marveling about LeRoy finally winning Simon over. "It seemed like a song you were singing for your mum," Steve adds, as though just tuning in. Then he gives the voting instructions and says Astro is up , clearly wishing he could come right out and promise another teenage tantrum.
Back from the ads, Steve grinds things to a halt by discussing a couple of Tweets that are up on the big screen, including an invitation for Simon to Thanksgiving dinner from someone on Twitter claiming to be "way cuter than Steve Jones" (hey, I never said Steve wasn't cute) and an accusation that L.A. Reid is wearing lipstick (which L.A. denies).
On to Astro's intro reel. He's saying that he's thankful for his fans this week, which he kind of has to do; as L.A. describes his behavior last week, "He gave his fans and viewers the impression that he'd given up." We're reminded of Astro's reaction to being in the bottom two last week. But then Astro's parents talk about the support he found online afterwards, hence Astro's performance tonight.
He comes out and raps about his behavior and the support of his fans, the "Astronauts," basically everything we just heard but rhyming and with a long list of locations thrown in while Astro mimes reading a computer. Well, at least last week's debacle gave him something fresh to write about.
After he's done, he preemptively promises not to let last week happen again. Nicole reminds him to remain grateful. "Thank you," he says. Getting started already, I see. Paula wants to be an "Astro-naut," and Simon agrees that she should be shot into space. Simon tells Astro he admires him, adding that everyone has tantrums (including Simon, as we've seen, and soon will again), but "the music business needs unpredictability." He didn't think it was the perfect song, not that the song was recognizable anyway, and L.A. says Astro apologized and gave a great performance, which is all he can ask. "Back in the game," Steve declares after the voting instructions. So it would seem. Anybody else want to put him in the bottom two again just to see what he does?
Back from the ads, Steve flogs tomorrow's show which will feature two eliminations, the "Pepsi Choice Performance," a phrase which easily tops the list of all the embarrassing things I've had to type for this site in the last three-quarters of a decade, and performances by Bruno Mars and Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson? They let her do this? I thought that other show would own her in perpetuity.
Up is Drew, who's grateful to her best friend Shelby, who taught her not to care what other people think. Her parents say that Drew has her problems; she's not a dancer or athletic. "She did do basketball one year and they were grateful she didn't come back." Drew and Shelby appear to be dorks-in-arms, which is actually pretty awesome. We see Drew breaking the news to Shelby that she's singing "Skyscraper" for her because it's their song. Kind of a new "our song" for girls who've been best friends since second grade, but whatever. Kids are fickle.
Drew does her usual Drew thing, perched on the set of the opening scene in Macbeth, but I'm glad to say she actually projects for the majority of the song. She falters on in big high note, but then the drums kick in and we're so shocked that drums were allowed anywhere near Drew that we soon forget all about it.
L.A. has a comment for Simon, saying the song wasn't age-appropriate. Which is ridiculous, given that Demi Lovato's under twenty and has only been to rehab once as far as I know. Simon sits stone-faced, leaving Drew to step up and give an impassioned defense of how she feels strongly about the song regardless of her age, and how important it is to have a friend like Shelby (who is clearly overcome in the audience). Drew even forces L.A. to back down a bit, which is a lot more impressive than another slow, creepy, minor-key pop song would have been. Nicole says she's not frustrated. Paula points out for L.A. that "Skyscraper" is sung by a young artist, by the way, and -- wait for it -- she felt the connection. Simon perfunctorily tells Drew he's proud of her before turning to L.A. and saying, "I am sick to death of your pointless, stupid criticism." #ohsnap! The two of them descend into bickering, talking over each other until Steve wades in and dads, "This has to stop right now please." Into the awkward silence, he eye-rolls, "Thanksgiving!" Oh, it turns out he gets this holiday pretty well for a British dude after all.
One singer left to go, and it's Josh. He's dedicating it to his 13-year-old daughter Rowan, who was born when he was 17. Josh's mom explains he fell in love as a teenager, "And sometimes things just don't work out." Josh got so depressed he gave up on music, until one day he saw Rowan playing the piano and decided to get back to it.
For tonight, Josh has picked a song he's been playing his whole life, about being away from his child and not seeing her. "Cats in the Cradle"? No, "Wild Horses, which he sings at the piano, surrounded by a cage of light shafts pointing up at the ceiling. I think this is the first time we've seen a contestant play an instrument on this show (my mind keeps going back to that Dumpster full of guitars at the initial auditions...still a disturbing image). Josh sounds great, as always, and gets a four-way standing ovation from the judges. His mom and daughter in the audience look pretty proud too.
L.A. tells Josh he has the right amount of everything, including what it takes to win the competition. Paula talks about Josh being larger than life (hey, those burritos aren't low-cal, you know), and Simon says that was what it's all about: "A great song, a great voice," etc. All of which I agree with, except for how he gives any credit at all to Nicole. She can't even speak, she's so emotional. Eventually she manages to say that his music can change the world. Well, if it leads to a world where people respect Nicole Scherzinger, I would have to agree. Josh stops Steve in the process of what he was about to say and thanks the audience for inspiring him, along with his daughter.
Steve rushes through the voting instructions, gives us the recap of the performances (Melanie's should really show her emotional throw-down instead of the singing, if you ask me), and comes back with everyone onstage with him (including the choir and the contestants' loved ones, not counting God) to open the phone lines. "And on a personal note, guys, it's been a special night." Only seven will be back week. As Steve says, "G'night bye bye!"
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.