We go straight into the title sequence tonight, and then the voice-over guy tells the auditorium, "Please welcome the final ten!" Hey, what have you done with Steve, voice-over guy? The final ten performers (actually thirteen if you count Lakoda Rayne as four) sing "We Will Rock You," and this time when LeRoy misses his cue you can't actually hear him sing, so I guess this must really be live. It ends up being kind of a showcase for Astro and Chris Rene, who as rappers get to perform more lines than anyone else. Oh, here's Steve, coming out in a shiny black suit to tell us all how awesome they were and belatedly welcome us to the show and go on and on about week's "Pepsi Choice Performance" before once again displaying his math aptitude by saying eight acts will be back week and one will go home tonight. Out of ten. Oh, and Rihanna's here to perform tonight too. That'll be nice, to have a guest performer people have heard of. Steve turns to the already fully-staffed judges' table for Simon's opinion of last night's show, and Simon now thinks it was terrific, especially Josh and Astro.
That serves as the ideal segue into the recap of last night's show, with a few backstage comments we didn't get to hear last night, because it's hard to fit them into a live show and also because they're mostly boring. Except for Josh's mom desperately hugging Nicole, probably because Josh is just over it. Also, Paula staunchly defends Lakoda Rayne's performance, using the uplifting phrase "no disaster." Steve puts Paula on the spot with her one remaining act, and Paula pretends to be confident. Then Steve drops some cold, cold shit on everyone: "The first results are coming right now." Whoa, way to bring the room down.
Steve takes his sweet time telling us that once again the names are in no particular order. The first name Steve announces is LeRoy Bell. After another long pause, Steve names Lakoda Rayne, which shows us how confident Paula wasn't by how she excitedly rushes up onstage to hug them all. I don't think even she's more surprised than I am, though. Steve says those two acts are safe, and then runs down all the rest of the remaining eight, one of whom is going home tonight. Drew looks positively disgusted by this whole scene, which I find amusing for some reason as we go to ads.
Coming back, Steve reminds us that Thanksgiving is messing with the schedule week so they'll be on Tuesday, and then asks what Paula's thoughts are right now, with her presence in the competition guaranteed for another week. Pretty much all she has to say is "I told you so." Simon claims to be thrilled, somewhat convincingly.
There's a segment about how they all got to go to a photo shoot, which turns out to be a commercial for the camera the photographer used and then gave to everyone. Nobody cares.
Back in the auditorium, Steve says there are still eight nervous contestants waiting for word backstage, but first they're going to have to sit through Rihanna singing her new hit single. It's a lot like a regular contestant performance, except she's more professional and using more of the stage and the dancers are trying a lot harder. What else can I say? I'm trying to decide how I feel about the fact that the only people who ever get to sing entire songs on this show aren't even competing on it. Steve comes out for a little chat with his old buddy from back at L.A.'s house, and Rihanna's advice to the contestants is to love what you do. I think some of them are already on top of that.
After the break, Rihanna's whole stage set has been cleared away and we get to see LeRoy and Lakoda Rayne chilling smugly backstage while Steve tells us that six more acts will be safe tonight, and the remaining two will have to compete against each other. Now they do that thing that's usually at the beginning of the show, where the judges come out with their acts while the opera singers blare. Nicole comes out with Stacy and Josh, L.A. comes out with Astro, Chris and Marcus, and Simon comes out with Melanie, Rachel and Drew. Paula, of course, is already seated at the judges' table because of how her one remaining act is safe. I'm just glad Paula probably doesn't know the word "Pyrrhic." Time for more names to be announced, and after a long pause, the person named is Chris Rene. Long pause, Melanie Amaro. Long pause, Josh Kracjik. Long pause, Marcus Canty. But at least there isn't another long pause before the ad break.
So that leaves Rachel, Stacy, Astro and Drew still waiting. Astro seems to be the calmest one of all of them. Drew's threatened tears burst forth as Steve gives her name. So now each of the three non-Paula judges is standing up there with one of their contestants. Before getting on with it already, Steve reminds them each what the judges said to them last night, and then, for the last time, in no particular order, Rachel is safe. She sobs in Simon's arms while Steve reels in Stacy, Nicole, Astro and L.A. Stacy doesn't even trust herself to speak right now, so Nicole says she's proud of her. Astro "yo yo yo yos" and babbles about hip-hop and Brooklyn, then L.A. says he feels strongly about Astro's future. This is kind of weird -- there was a time not too long ago when I thought both of them would be in the top five. Either one of them is going to leave a void. Are we sure Lakoda Rayne is safe?
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Coming back, Nicole introduces Stacy, who we can only hope has rediscovered her voice given what's at stake. Her song for survival is "Amazing Grace," which she sings over a synthesized gospel choir in front of projections of candles. So the message, judges, is that if you send Stacy home, you're going to Hell. She has a little trouble finding the key at first, but pulls it out soon enough and even manages to smile. After she's done, Steve comes out, dismisses her from the stage, and has L.A. introduce Astro. The kid comes out and says he doesn't even think he should perform, but leaves it up to L.A. "You've come a long way," L.A. says. Then Astro throws the question out to the audience, which makes me think it was just a needy ploy. So young and yet so cynical. He does a rap to "Never Can Say Goodbye," all about his experience being on the show, complete with shout-outs to the judges. Who will be deciding if he goes home tonight, just saying. Steve comes back out after he's done, saying, "I'm very glad you performed, sir." Sure he is, you think he had material to fill out ten minutes of live TV? Steve calls Stacy back out to stand with him and Astro before going to ads, so they can stand there and catch up for the four minutes. So I guess Steve would have only had to come up with six.
Coming back, Steve gives L.A. the first vote, as if there's any doubt who he's going to want to keep. L.A. says for some reason that it's all about attitude, which does not bode well for Astro. He liked Stacy's performance, but says he's upset that Astro came out and acted like a quitter. He glowers at Astro and makes him sweat for a bit before saying he has to stick with his guy and send Stacy home. It's Nicole's turn, and she gives a long speech to Stacy and a much shorter one to Astro before sending him home. No surprises so far, but both contestants look pretty pissed. Paula lectures them both about being grateful and votes to lose Stacy. Steve tells Simon he's got the swing vote, which is why they let Simon vote last.
Simon has a question for Astro: "I don't like your attitude right now." That's not a question. Simon tells him to unfold his arms, "look at me, and think about your mum watching this show." Astro protests the idea that he's got a bad attitude and says, "If you're going to put me in the bottom two, I don't want to perform for people who don't want me here." Kid's in tears, and Steve leans over and whispers something in his ear. I don't think it's about how much time they have, either. Simon lectures Astro on being a grown-up, and after taking a moment to tell Stacy she hasn't done so great the last two weeks, Simon asks Astro if he'll act like this again in the same situation. The audience is chanting Astro and Stacy's names, evenly divided as far as I can tell, and Simon, after telling the other judges that he's really tempted, announces that he's going with the person he thinks has the best chance of winning and sends home...Stacy. Astro will stay to pout another day.
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Steve asks Stacy how she's feeling and she says, "I'm heartbroken." She talks about the journey and taking responsibility for her piss-poor performance last night and thanks Simon for the opportunity to sing for the world. Steve kicks off the concluding Fran-tage, which is really hard to watch because it reminds us all how awesome Stacy used to be before Nicole got a hold of her. Steve signs off with a reminder to tune in on Tuesday, and we end with the judges up onstage consoling Stacy before they send her home to die with this music in her.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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