You know the beginning where there's a recap of the week, and sometimes the whole season? This time it's just a recap of the last five minutes of the episode, with Paula's meltdown over being forced to choose between what were then her two remaining groups, ending in the elimination of the Stereo Hogzz, Simon's favorite band in the world. Well, at least she won't have that problem this week. As the rundown of the ten remaining acts reminds us, it's three judges with three singers, and "Paula Abdul and the last of the Groups, Lakoda Rayne!" Woo hoo! Paula claims to be confident they're here to stay; Nicole says her category is the best one for "Rock Week" (because let's face it, you kind of have to be over 30 to even remember rock any more), L.A. says he's ready for it, even with his R&B-slash-hip-hop stable, and Simon says, "It'll either be fantastic or a train wreck. I'm going with train wreck." I hate it when I agree with Simon.
For once. Steve doesn't have to come out onto an empty stage. While Joan Jett's "I Love Rock & Roll" plays, he emerges into a throng of chick dancers whose presence somehow just makes him look incredibly dorky. He explains that for Rock Week, "All the acts are performing rock songs or songs in a rock style." They sure are imposing limiting categories on everyone, aren't they? Last week it was songs that were in movies at some point, and now this. He brings out the judges and claims all of their reputations are on the line -- especially Paula's, such as it is. Steve has to vamp a bit while waiting for Nicole to take her seat at the judges table so she can introduce the first act of the night, LeRoy Bell. The new interesting fact about LeRoy is that got a full tattoo sleeve on his left arm a few years ago, just to keep himself from getting a respectable job. I don't think that's still the barrier it was when LeRoy was joining the workforce in the late 1960s. Nicole talks about how happy she was with LeRoy's performance last week, but L.A. flatly tells us, "LeRoy is boring." So this could get ugly.
And LeRoy kicks off Rock Week with "We've Got Tonight," Bob Seeger's least rocking hit ever. And watching the performance, it's hard not to see L.A.'s point, even with the power-ballad drumming and gospel backup singers that kick in with a gratuitously thrown-in key change. The crowd loves it, though. L.A. cuts right to the chase: they're looking for a star, and LeRoy's just not working it. Paula also compliments his voice and talks to him about making a connection with the audience. Which she generously says he did more of this time, even though he pretty much just wandered a few steps from where he started. Other sixty-year-olds just do that naturally. As for Simon, he insists on calling LeRoy "Lori," compliments the song and the voice, and gives him a zero on originality. He repeats L.A.'s point about the five-million-dollar contract and says he's being mentored like a session singer. Simon's bottom line: LeRoy can't win right now. "Agreed," L.A. chimes in. Nicole steps in with some encouragement, and pretty much has to shout down Simon.
Luckily here's Steve to smooth things over and move them along. "LeRoy, what do you think of those horrible comments?" he asks. Oh, Steve. Now he's in on the bickering too, so it falls to LeRoy to be the peacemaker, saying he'll do what he has to do. Steve's voting instructions are even less riveting than usual, distracted as I am by the fact that one of LeRoy's glasses lenses is partially fogged up. How does that happen? And how does a man with half-fogged glasses expect to win five million dollars?
Simon gets the giggles for some reason while introducing Rachel Crow. Her intro reel is all about how much she and Simon love each other. Which doesn't really explain why he's got her singing "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, done in Motown style while giant, seizure-inducing, vertical red-and-yellow stripes flash on the projection screen like the opening of a dimensional portal between the Times Square and Las Vegas McDonald's locations.
L.A. poses Rachel a rhetorical question: can she sell records and tickets? Rachel says she can, but L.A. wants to answer. Actually, his answer is the same as Rachel's but he wanted to be the one to say it. Nicole says it was the perfect song choice (perfect for showing how few rock songs Simon knows) and her favorite performance of Rachel's thus far. Paula goes on again about connecting with the audience, which she says Rachel does. Simon remembers that Rachel told him she wants to win, and he can see it happening, unlike some people who are just here to get TV exposure. But who would do that?
So how is L.A. dealing with Chris Rene for Rock Week? Bob Marley. In the intro reel, L.A. talks about the moral support Chris needs, and Chris talks about all he's doing to stay sober. His performance of "No Woman No Cry" is rock only in the sense that L.A. put him in an army jacket and has the guitars mixed higher. [Note: It's also mashed up with "Everything's Gonna Be Alright" which is... also not rock. -- RS.] Simon's looking around in bemusement and -- wait, Chris ditches the jacket to reveal an Occupy Wall Streets shirt! Topical, I think!
After he's done, Nicole says she liked it but it wasn't her favorite performance by him. Paula also calls L.A. out on it not being a rock song technically, as does Simon. "What's the point of having a theme if you're just going to totally disregard it?" L.A. challenges him, "Let's do hip-hop week and see what Drew does." Uh, slow, creepy, minor-key rapping, I'm guessing. L.A. says he was glad Chris stayed on key, which is glowing praise indeed, and he also defends his categorization of Bob Marley as a rock star, because he's in The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yeah, so's Neil Diamond.
The tweet count is 5.1 million, in case you care, which you don't, and Steve throws it to Nicole to introduce Stacy Francis. The intro reel is all about Stacy and Nicole relating to each other, and L.A. hoping Stacy doesn't "pander" with another song he wrote. Well, no, it's a Meat Loaf song. Or I should say a "Meat Loaf" song, because I think that written by Jim Steinman or not, we all remember "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" more as a Celine Dion tune. But why complain about lack of respect to the theme when Stacy is singing it as flat as Kansas? I'm seriously cringing here.
L.A. says he knows she's expecting him to be mean, but he gives her a week off and lies that she sang it well. Paula says, "This was my least favorite song that you've ever performed." She asks Nicole if she picked it, and Nicole kind of throws Stacy under that particular bus, going on about how it was a song close to Stacy's heart blah bleh bloo. Simon starts with the good news: "Your hair looks better this week." Uh-oh. The fact that that's the good news is really, really bad news. He pretty much takes her apart, saying she's going backwards. He says it a little too much, though, even forcing Steve to make him yield the floor to Nicole, who calls Stacy a glam rock diva. Steve asks Stacy if she's okay. Indeed, Stacy's dead-eyed stone-face is a lot more worrying than the old waterworks. Stacy says this was for her "Fran-atics." Okay, fired. Fired now.
Simon runs the rock theme into the ground in the course of introducing Melanie Amaro to sing a rock song by rock band REM who played rock. Since the running theme of the intro reels this week seems to be the acts' connections with their mentors, Simon says he's got an especially deep one with Melanie, "Because I've been inside her home." I don't think he means that as creepy as it sounds. We learn that Melanie had a childhood with her grandparents in the Virgin Islands before returning to Florida for high school. Nicole says she hasn't seen Melanie really let go, and L.A. correctly says that Melanie is the opposite of edgy. "This song could do it for her," Simon promises. That song? "Everybody Hurts." After listening to Simon talk about how "stripped down" it's going to be with just Melanie and a piano onstage, we now see her sitting up there under dimmed lights, ankle-deep in fog that's lit from below. I do like how she's singing it in a lower key than Michael Stipe's keening falsetto on the original. She only gets to sing the second half of the bridge, and loosens up a bit as she gets up off the stack of hexagons she was using as a stool for the last chorus.
As soon as she's done, L.A. gets sarcastic with Simon about how that wasn't rock either, and that's pretty much all he has to say to Melanie too. Nicole tells her she didn't cry at the song like she usually does (hint for you, Nicole: no building strings, no crying), but she sounded great. Paula says she took them to church. Simon compares her to Adele and Alicia Keys, which just gets L.A. on the rock kick all over again. As Simon points out, the audience is with Melanie. But since they're with everyone, always, except any judge who just made a negative comment about anyone in the last five seconds, that may not be the ironclad argument he's looking for.
Nicole introduces Josh, who if anything looks less groomed than ever in the intro reel. He talks about his 15 years of trying to make it as a musician and all the crap jobs he's had in the meantime. For his sing, the Foo Fighters' "The Pretender," he's lit from behind in a way that shows he actually washed his hair before the show, so he's clearly committed. He's got an actual rock band (or dancers with guitars and a glowing drum kit who look like a rock band) up onstage with him which helps sell the rock star vibe, as does the way Nicole stands up and thrashes behind the judges' table. Alas, Josh pretty much just keeps his feet planted the whole time, when this really calls for him to run around the stage a lot more. In fact, he could probably stand to do more running in general. Still, he sounds outstanding as always, and it's nice to hear him do something up-temp for once.
Paula and even Simon join Nicole's standing ovation. L.A. correctly tells Josh, "You're the only person that's really rocked this house tonight." True enough. Paula says it was both her favorite performance of his and her favorite performance all night, and Simon once again calls him "bloody fantastic." Josh is thrilled, and so is Nicole. Steve, joining Josh onstage: "You rock. You rock! You rock, sir!" Josh fluently fingerspells "VOTE JOSH" during Steve's spiel. Is there anything he can't do? Now that we know he's able to operate a shampoo bottle, that is?
L.A. introduces Astro as "the most popular contestant" on the show. Should we all just go home, then? Astro hasn't seen his mom in a month, so he misses her and her cooking. But time he sees her,"I plan on having five million, so it's no big deal." L.A. says Astro will do "a very familiar song that became as big a hip-hop hit as it was a rock hit. "Walk this Way?" I'm not looking ahead, honest.
Aaand, I'm wrong anyway. It's "I'll Be Missing You (Every Breath You Take)." Of course Astro doesn't sing a note, but the rapping's solid, as always, even though it seems to be about missing hip-hop. Which is not really something to go on too much about on Rock Week. The projectors flash the names of dead hip-hop artists, up to and including Heavy D because Astro is nothing if not current.
Nicole calls it a "smart" song choice, but wonders if Astro's ready for a five-million-dollar at his age. "And I definitely believe you are." Well, why ask then? Paula: "Can you just suck for once?" Simon compliments Astro's maturity, and agrees that he has a shot of winning. L.A. of course agrees with that. Steve comes onstage to join Astro, who gives a shout-out to the girls and the Stereo Hogzz in the house, as well as his sister the birthday girl. "A showman to the last," Steve says approvingly rather than rushing him to shut up already. Being one of the anointed ones has its advantages.
Back from the ads, Steve lets us know that the show will be on Tuesday week, due to Thanksgiving. Giving thanks for the heads-up; that would have been embarrassing for me to miss. Not as embarrassing as that sentence was to type, though. I think I'd better move on.
Finally Paula gets to introduce an act: her one remaining group, Lakoda Rayne. We're reminded how they were in the bottom two with Stereo Hogzz last week. The intro reel talks all about their closeness and their dreams and what I really want to know is how awkward it was working with Paula all week after she voted to boot them, so of course that's not going to get covered. Simon says if they lose then Paula's "out," whatever that means in this contest. Will she stay at the judges' table kibitzing for the rest of the season, or will Steve haul her up onstage and shoot her in the head?
Anyway, Lakoda Rayne's song is "Your Love" by The Outfield, which they perform on a stage styled like some ADD mash-up between Josie and the Pussycats and Jem and the Holograms, stranded up on little pedestals with their names projected on the screen behind them (because that worked so well for the Stereo Hogzz). Then they jump down and segue into "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. It's all very energetic and colorful and absolutely redolent of desperation, like when two of my cats died within a few months of each other and the third one suddenly got reeeeal friendly.
L.A. tells them this is the first time he's seen them having fun, but he's reluctant to go much further than "better." Nicole tells them to stop holding back, and Simon says it was "a complete mess." He goes on about how silly the choreography was until L.A. calls him on being mean and Simon coldly threatens, "Watch your back." Whoa, where did that come from? Paula insists that Lakoda Rayne are the heirs to the Dixie Chicks. Wait, the Dixie Chicks are dead?
They have a new graphic now to show which judge is "most popular" on Twitter, with silhouettes of the judges whose size indicates their share of the tweets. Simon has the lead at 53 percent, and also an obvious misconception that people only post on Twitter about things that are popular. Well, he just joined tonight, so he'll soon learn.
Steve asks Simon to introduce the final singer, even though there are still two left to go, but Simon would rather go on about his Twitter ranking before saying Drew will be singing a U2 song. The intro reel is partly about Drew's shocked reaction last week to L.A.'s lukewarm comments about the Drew Rut, and partly about how the teenage contestants (Drew, Rachel, and Astro) still have to go to "school," which of course is just three hours a day in a trailer with a "contestant teacher." Simon promises that they've nailed it this week, while L.A. gets a little catty about Drew always doing the same thing. Quit it, L.A., that's my job. But Simon promises a "very different Drew" this week.
Cut to Drew onstage, easing into a slow, creepy, minor-key version of "With or Without You." Well, the blue spotlights are new, at least. I keep expecting her to bust out and do something, but it's Drew through and through.
L.A. starts by complimenting her on the originality of her voice, but ambiguously says he still wants more. From behind a cloud of stage-smoke overspill that makes it look like her lap is on fire, Nicole cops to feeling frustrated at not seeing Drew bust out. And as much as I hate to agree with Simon, I might hate agreeing with Nicole even more. Paula reminds Drew that she has a big fan base, but she should take advantage of the themes to show some diversity. Simon just tells her to ignore the other judges because she has what it takes. And then Drew cuts Simon off to thank her fans. No, Drew, he said ignore the other judges.
One more singer to go, and L.A. talks up the rock credentials of the Janis Joplin song that Marcus Canty is singing. In the intro reel, L.A. talks about how great it is to work with a "PK" or preacher's kid like Marcus. The pastor is actually his aunt, and he Skypes with the Sunday School class. He's a little worried about all the half-dressed dancers L.A. is going to have onstage with him, and how that fits with his nice-boy, role-model image.
Well, it looks like he's going straight to hell. Seriously, L.A. has the stage all lit with flames, and when the dancers come out and form a line, Marcus lies on the floor and slides on his back between their legs. Sure, this is the week his aunt and his mom come to see the show. Marcus gets off the stage a bit during the sing to work the crowd and the camera, and maybe partly to get away from those dancers before he's both completely damned and thoroughly clap-ridden. He winds up back in the middle of them at the end of the song anyway, though.
Nicole loved it, and says he rocked his church out. Paula calls him the entertainer of the competition. Simon cracks, "Your mentor, the Devil, just put you in Hell." He didn't think it was a good song for Marcus, to L.A.'s complete disgust. Well, if Marcus has done something Simon thought was a good match, then Simon would have bitched about it not being a rock song. Screwed either way.
After the quick run-through of clips from the night's ten performances, Steve opens the phone lines, gets some insipid final comments from the judges, and promises a performance from Rihanna tomorrow night along with the results that will send Lakoda Rayne back to their respective homes. Or am I getting ahead of myself?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.