Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Like a Wire Inside
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 7 | Aired on 07.20.2009
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.So that mysterious lady is still not quite identified, although Shane's able to place her on Wikipedia as a member of Mexico's financial and cultural elite. Esteban assures Nancy that their marriage -- which is currently endangering his gubernatorial bid -- will take place in the future, but then has Cesar set up an entire birthing suite on the grounds so that the baby will be born under the radar. No witnesses, no birth certificate, no way out.
Rightfully terrified, Nancy calls Andy back into service, and as he drives her to a late-term visit with Alanis "Not The Doctor" Morissette, he has a full-scale wobbler about how Nancy is poison, but he loves her, but he hates her, but can he have a handjob, but obsession is not love, etc. This is made all the more amazing by the fact that he is still sporting the Gold Rush Prospector Beard. Then, crushing on Alanis, he tells the entire story about Esteban and the whole thing, in a hilarious summation that gets Alanis the hell on board.
Celia's first meeting with the You're Pretty collective is shocking and funny, but for all its Respect The Cock intensity Celia doesn't come away truly motivated: her first-run sales meeting becomes a little like a bloodbath, dashing Celia's hopes of Mary Kay stardom while introducing a gorgeous new love interest for Isabelle. How perfect is she? Well, she knows the "Huskaroos" song by heart, for starters...
CP is not dead, which is sad; sadder still is the intense work-related stress that Doug is putting on Silas, who eventually calls in Dean to dissolve their partnership. Before anything can get signed, though, Internal Affairs sweeps in and nabs CP for extortion. Not sure where this leaves Doug and Silas, since their IA mole (Blitt from last week) has to at least know they were in collusion or whatever.
Celia comes home in agony blathering about Willy Loman, but a short foot rub and pep talk courtesy of Shane -- not to mention a request for her to stand in loco while Nancy's off being in a movie about devil babies and dead chicks -- seems to have her thinking dealing drugs is a good idea. Celia honey, there's this show you should watch. It's really good.
Esteban and Cesar comes busting down the door in Nancy's hospital room ready to abduct her back to Rosemary's Crèche, but guess what? The newest little Price-Botwin-Reyes baby has already entered the world. He's ginger, has a wandering eye, and is completely beautiful. And Esteban is smitten.
Next week: Nancy and Pilar face off, Celia tries to sell pot, and Andy makes a surprising decision about the baby's future.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The opening screen is a Mac on which somebody is looking at the Wikipedia page for the show. The only basic difference is a comparison between the show's title and the concept of "widow's weeds," and when you click the logo a reggae version of the "Little Boxes" song plays. Then Nancy's packing her shit and smiling angrily, forcing the issue of the mysterious woman, the "stiletto-heeled Mexicunt" who just called off their wedding by apparently screeching in Spanish.
Esteban names her, Pilar Zuazo, and says that she's a "very important woman" in his life, who has just pointed out that by marrying a foreigner he's jeopardizing his political career. Nancy assures him his career is safe, but he begs her to trust him: after the gubernatorial election, they can get married and be a family.
"We're gonna be in the beautiful hills of Beverly, with a pool and a spice garden -- the whole schmear!" -- Guy Woodhouse
So apparently Pilar's not what jealous Nancy was thinking at all. He apologizes for not thinking it through, blaming his impetuous and all-consuming love for Nancy, who asks why on earth he should take orders from anybody. Esteban explains that Pilar is a woman with influence, who makes sure his ambitions are supported, and Nancy says that makes Pilar his boss. He smiles that tiger smile that says she's treading dangerous ground, and says that nobody's his boss. She asks, as he nuzzles her shoulder and begs her to stay, if they've ever hooked up, and he laughs that she has "teeth down there," and never wanted to find out for himself. That just makes me even more bummed out she left in such a rush!
Shane helps Nancy look up Zuazo's résumé online the way he helped Nancy put together her own, once, and declares Pilar hot. "They're fake," Nancy spits, and asks him to "try Wiki." Pilar is the daughter of a late industrialist Raul Zuazo ("silver spoon oppressor," Shane offers, beefing up the evil of her résumé), the heiress to a vast telecommunications empire ("media manipulator"), on the board of the Mexican Stock Exchange ("inside trader"), and a philanthropist ("tax evader," he decides, after a moment).
Nancy's stuck, having nothing to actually go on and certainly no legal issues to consider, and Shane points out that the woman owns Mexico and thus can certainly handle clearing up any drug queenpinning allegations on her Wikipedia page. "We need to get the fuck out of here right now," he says. "These people bludgeon innocent golfers for sport!" Nancy doesn't really press him, but he gets her all stirred up about how once the baby is born they will all be murdered, without even being given a reason: "They'll just do it and laugh." Thug means never having to say you're sorry. There's a crashing sound in another part of the house, and Shane is like, "Here they come now."
Cesar is supervising a contingent of Esteban's men, who are moving what clearly looks like obstetric equipment into the guest house. The theme song of Rosemary's Baby starts to play as Nancy stares at him, and he explains that Esteban has decided she should have the baby here, at home. "How convenient," she says, shitting it, and Cesar's like, "You'll have everything you need." What about a flatscreen? Premium cable so she can watch Showtime? Not even a little fridge? Cesar says he's not providing that shit, and she gets a little brave, so he knows she's edged up another level in the game: "Who should I ask, Esteban? Pilar?"
Cesar tells her to hit Best Buy, and she says she'll take Shane: "I'll do that. Pop over there right now, and review my options." Which is fine, Cesar says, except the damndest thing, her taillight's broken and her car's in the shop.
"They're very clever people. They planned everything right from the beginning. They probably made some sort of deal..." -- Rosemary Woodhouse
Meanwhile, speaking of cults, Raylene is shaking her car keys in the faces of all the women surrounding Celia at the You're Pretty makeup-selling seminar. "When I'm not tooling around in my cherry-red You're Pretty convertible, I'm cruising in my Maserati!" She goes on to talk about her Tahoe chalet -- "SKI IN, SKI OUT!" -- and private ski instructor, who looks like professional cougar bait Ashton Kutcher. "Hands up who wants to be me?"
Celia murmurs that she no longer wants to be as blonde as Raylene, but she does love Tahoe. True to her calling, Raylene doesn't let Celia salt her game: she jumps into the next step in the speech with Celia as an oblique object lesson about how some have it, but 90% of the assembled women don't. "But for those who do... Being me is fantastic!" Celia mutters that her nipples are actually hard, and she crows, "As a matter of fact they are! MY NIPPLES ARE HARD, AND MY LADY IS WET!" Just like Nana used to say. Of course, sometimes my Nana takes her wig off when she's drunk, but I appreciate the self-esteem on display here.