By Jacob
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Pilar visits Nancy in the hospital and talks her into leaving Esteban's name off the baby's birth certificate, which -- now that her life is no longer in jeopardy -- she's willing to do in order to force his hand. He will not, of course, be forced, so she tells him to fuck off and writes Andy's name instead. At first Andy tells her to fuck off in turn, and won't let her move back into her bedroom, so she calls Lupita (!) in to take care of the baby, being I guess otherwise occupied, and ends up on the couch.
Celia has a bit of a showdown with Raylene from You're Pretty, and realizes she has to unload her makeup somehow. She goes to Dean for legal support, but he's all wrapped up in being counsel of record for Doug and Silas's nonexistent pot parlor -- a job he takes only after slamming Doug's literal dick in his actual desk drawer -- until Celia decides to turn her makeup business into a makeup-and-pot business. Just to make it look more realistic, she also randomly beats the shit out of Dean, which causes him to fall a little bit in love with her again. Those two!
High on having said no to Nancy for the first time in a long time, Andy asks Dr. Alanis out on the most awesome date of all time, in which she calmly and rationally dismantles his entire personality in front of him, and then bounces. Her point -- that she is a doctor and a person of substance who is not impressed by the General Lee -- actually penetrates, sending him rocketing back to Nancy and their son.
A bris follows, at which Andy once again asks the good doctor out, and during the afterparty of which Esteban shows up and Nancy tells him he's out of the picture in a very intense fight. He takes off, because she's actually done a good job of pushing him out of the way, but the fact that they are still and actually in love with each other casts a pall over her victory: Little Stevie Ray (yeah, for real) Botwin's Hebrew name is Avi Melech, meaning his real father, Esteban Reyes, is still in there somewhere.
week: Esteban isn't giving up, somebody gets shot, Shane gets an STD, Andy masturbates some more, and Doug and Silas find out about Celia's latest scheme.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Nancy wakes up in the hospital. It's nighttime and the baby is gurgling. There's a night sound, at first, that turns out to be a very terrifying Pilar, standing over his crib like the wicked fairy in every story. She congratulates Nancy on her handsome son and her perfect life, and Nancy starts to ask what the fuck she's doing there, but Pilar tells her not to interrupt: "Breaches in etiquette make me want to... Throw things," she says, staring down at the kid. Anybody else they'd rip out their stitches trying to choke a bitch for saying that, but hey, this is Nancy Botwin. If Pilar did toss him against the wall Nancy would probably just send him a gift basket.
"You want to know why I never had children?" Pilar asks, and Nancy surmises that she would eat them, and babies are super fattening, but no: They are inconvenient, they complicate everything and they take and take. She explains that the baby was a mistake, and one that will probably end Esteban's career. "I am here to correct that mistake," she says, and gives Nancy the option of helping her do so.
Celia sits around outside a You're Pretty seminar, finally ambushing Raylene as she comes stalking out with a retinue, and Raylene tells her there's a Q&A after the seminar that will answer all her questions. "No one is buying this shit," Celia explains, and Raylene sends her posse away, because while I'm sure there's a whole chapter in the three-ring about what to do when crazy ladies show up, there is no three-ring binder that contains the possibility of Celia Hodes.
"It's like the Depression out there, all right? Women are pinching their cheeks for blush. Trannies are staining their lips with plum juice. I cannot sell makeup when civilization is collapsing!" Raylene laughs and calls her Cece, explaining that economic downturns are great for beauty: "Poor people wear the most makeup!" That is so true. But if that's true, the poor people are stealing their makeup, because they are not buying them from Celia, which by the way is her name. Names are the thing this week.
"Well. I am not interested in Celia," Raylene explains. "I am interested in Cece." Celia is a quitter, see, while Cece sells "A lifestyle. Self-esteem in small doses. A positive reflection in a floor-length mirror. Confidence. Happiness. Sex." Man, she's good. I'm glad I'm not Celia because right then I would have been like, "Sign me up!" That shit sounds good. Sales people are my obsession, I can't imagine saying that shit with a straight face.