Bill senses Lafayette drowning Sookie, but since it's daytime that means Ben has to be the one to save her. He fingerblasts the ghost out of Lala, and Bill immediately summons him back to the Castle, so in a last-ditch teleportation to finish their conversation, Sookie randomly takes Ben back to that one part of Faerieland I liked so much, the one in the graveyard between her house and Bill's house.
There, we learn that Ben will be vamping out once the sun sets in the real world, the better to eat her as his shadow self takes over, so she has to tie him up with fairy powers and also vines. I thought maybe this was a kinky thing, and for once I did guess correctly. She takes to questioning him like a lawyer from the south, pacing back and forth, and we learn that -- for this particular pair of faerie vampires, at least -- their marriage was meant to be a sort of cure: They were to be together forever, feeding only ever on each other, never hurting another living soul.
As a metaphor for a relationship, that is motherfucking horrible and scary and like what a cokehead would say, but as an out for both Ben and Sookie, it has a perverse sense to it: She's all about gross stuff, and he's all about getting his shit together, and maybe together they will be gross enough to not be gross anymore? I don't know, I just hate that Ben has finally done something I don't love. In the end, of course, Sookie makes sure to drink his blood and make him drink some of her blood and then fuck him while he's still tied up and his blood is dripping off her face. Which, it's Sookie: That's something you should have been able to divine from the moment she tied him up in the paragraph. It's great.
Out in the IRL, Bon Temps is a shitshow as usual: Andy gives the living daughter four random rural-type names like a racecar driver would have, so they're good; Sam finally gives Emma back to the werewolves after only six episodes of fucking around for no reason; Alcide and his dad are gross and threaten Sam for some other reason; and then it's actually very sad. Terry spooks the hell out of Lafayette with his suicidal goodbyes, so Arlene gets Holly's gay vampire friend Matt (who is awesome) to glamour the PTSD out of him altogether -- and with it, sadly and ironically, the memory of his murder contract. He gets one sweet day with Arlene, Big John and the rest of the Merlotte's family, and then dies in Arlene's arms out back, near the garbage bins. None of these things do I have any idea where they go from here. It was one of those episodes.
Bill takes the entire episode -- including a heroically bitchy meeting with Lilith, who is just about sick of his whole Bill Thing he's constantly doing all the time -- to figure out where his visions are leading him. Once he does, though, it's amazing: He drinks a vial of Ben's faerie blood, gets all Dark Phoenix on some motherfuckers, and ends the day by beheading Governor Burrell on the grounds of the camp, before heading inside.
If only things were that easy inside, though. A secret standoff with Sarah, as her newest LAVTF recruit, puts Jason at the center of a complicated rape attempt in which Sarah tries to force another young vampire, James, to have sex with Jessica so everybody can watch. (Jessica, out of her mind with shame and grief, is pretty much dissociated from everything, but in the end it doesn't go down anyway.)
And upstairs -- after Pam and her Maker handily (and beautifully) depressurize the whole "death duel" thing from last week -- Eric's rewarded with a close-up look as Nora slowly succumbs to a new hyperstrain, Hep V. Turns out, of course, that the whole facility is not only a concentration camp for LA vampires, but also a factory for turning out TruBlood that will kill you: Sold, at a discount, with the promise that the curfews will be ending soon once they've restocked it everywhere. Devilish! So, nobody actually escapes, because they've got to warn everybody and get ahold of Pam and Tara before they leave, but ASAP because Nora's about to die.
Week: Terry's funeral, and possibly Nora's -- but only after Eric throws himself on Bill's divine mercy, sadly enough -- and at the least, Jessica gets rescued. Heading in I was thinking this week would be a lead-up to the big twists of week's act-break, but honestly at this point I can't see what else could possibly change. Mostly, I'm just proud of Sookie. She's made some truly excellent decisions before, but this I think may just be the Sookiest of all time. Well done.
PREVIOUSLY
At the brink of annihilation, Warlow revealed the truth about Sookie's parents: They were about to murder her, to keep her from becoming a vampire, when he killed them and was thenceforth banished to a pocket hell dimension. The extinction of faeriekind was postponed once again by the survival of one of the Bellefleur girls, but Jessica is now in free-fall. Along with the rest of the vampire cast (excepting Bill), she is now incarcerated at Vamp Camp, where we left Eric and Pam facing off in a fight to the True Death. In other Bon Temps news: Terry pulled a Bulworth, Sam's little family is still on the run from both the LAVTF and Alcide's Pack, and Lafayette kidnapped Sookie while possessed by the ghost of her father, ready to finish the job and drown the girl.
NOW
Bill, but not Ben, feels Sookie dying. Ben, but not Bill -- it's daytime and we (hilariously) know Bill can't go outdoors -- rescues her at once. A mother and child reunion, as it were. Once Lala has picked himself up off the forest floor, he comes back for another round, but Sookie calls Ben off before he can eat him: "Long story, but it's not Lafayette doing it, it's my dad, he's a shitty ghost, maybe do some faerie stuff and see what happens."
Corbett hangs around, and Sookie rescinds his invitation from her fucking life for ever. Sad and ghostly, he beats it, and she gets to cry all over again about her dead parents. At least this time it's not causing transdimensional bullshittery, though: Just regular old ghost-banishing, like probably happens every day when some ghost-dad or another gets stuck in a murder loop. We can only hope things go just as easily at Camp Ire.
WHERE WE NOW ARE
Pam and Eric face, unmoving, sending the Gov into an ADD rage.
Sarah: "You assured me this would be violent!"
Pam: "I cannot believe I have a sister! That is so shitty that you made another one."
They float into the air, Sophie Anne-style... And then seamlessly work to get rid of both sniper guys behind the wall panels, staking them on their own petards and knocking a hole in the glass of the observation booth. Steve wants to split, because he knows what's coming; Sarah just wants to fight and have Jesus on her side and whatever craziness.
Eric, through the hole: "I see you, Steve Newlin!"
Steve whines, and the SWAT guys enter to get them under control.
BANKSIDE
Lafayette is getting the vampire part of Ben's backstory -- not the Fae part, because it's too complicated -- when Bill, assured of Sookie's safety, summons him back. It's even uglier and more immediate than with Jessica, and he starts projectile-vomiting blood instantly.
Sookie: "You've saved my life twice, I'm not letting you go back to your mommy. Let me teleport you to some faerie place or another."
Lala: "Do what? You can do that?"
Sookie: "Apparently I can do that."
CASTLE COMPTON
Bill: "Hey Jessica? I know it's kind of a weird topic, but when I summoned you so hard that time, how bad was it? Like, did you almost die? Or really almost die? Or was it more like the rip-your-shirt-open kind of dying?"
But she's gone. And Ben's gone. All his babies are gone. And not only that, but everybody's in custody of the LAVTF (he psychics). He calls out to Lilith for a quick conference and the music goes very heavy, but then... Nothing. He makes that exasperated "augh" noise he makes every now and then, and I guess then he probably just starts whining either way.
LAVTF RECRUITMENT
Recruiter: "Jason Stackhouse?"
Jason, lol: "The one and only."
He gives the guy a huge speech about "fucking fangers up" and how excited he is to be a racist and shoot people, and the guy is just unimpressed until Jason gives him the chapter and verse from Fellowship Bootcamp. Then, of course, he falls in redneck love.
Recruiter: "How many would you say you've killed?"
Jason: "Uh, this week?"
Jason's very sad to be associating with slash impressing racists, but you gotta use what you've got.
COMPTON LABS
Bill: "Hey, I've got a super weird plan!"
Takahashi: "I cannot stand you, or your bullshit. Just puttin' that out there."
Bill, glamouring: "So here's my weird nutty plan. You will drain all of the blood out of my meatsack body, until I am just nothing and in a coma. That's step one."
Takahashi: "You're being so weird I can only talk in Japanese right now."
Bill: "Step two, after a given amount of time, you will put all my dumb blood back in my stupid body and I will wake up like nothing happened."
Takahashi: "What on Earth is the point of this nonsense."
Bill: "Step one point five, I am astrally projected into a strange no-space dimension beyond all time or reckoning, where I chill out with God and people can turn into clouds of red mist whenever they feel like it. Because if She's not taking my calls, the best thing is probably to storm Her hideout."
MOTEL
Sam: "Hey, I walked all around all over the place like we're not in hiding, then made sure to talk to as many people as possible about where we're going. And can I just say, I am crushing being on the lam."
Nicole: "Cool. While you were doing that, Emma freaked the fuck out."
Sam: "Why, what on Earth could be the matter?"
Nicole: "You kidnapped her from her family? And that is the entire extent of the plan?"
Sam: "Don't be ridiculous. I am doing the right thing, according to me."
Nicole: "Seriously, we're halfway through the season and it still hasn't sunk in what a moron you're being? It's like you want Raccoona to come eat our faces."
Sam: "You say that like I'm supposed to know what to do . All I ever do is run, so I'm running."
Nicole: "Her dad died, then her mom died. Now you've kidnapped her, and not that long ago you shot your other kid (slash brother) in the back. And the last time you were on the run, you got molested by -- and subsequently offended -- a woodland Goddess, which ended up still raining hell down on Bon Temps twenty years later. You have got to pull it together, Sam Merlotte."
Sam: "Not likely! I'm going to be honest with you!"
FAERIELANDE
As hoped, it's the Fae place she first went, the one that is in the cemetery, smack between Stackhouse and Compton, life and death. Ben regretfully interrupts her reverie with some breaking news. I like how Ben's always got some fascinating thing going on.
Ben: "Okay, here's a little something you don't know about me. The sun is setting, and I need you to tie me up because of reasons."
Sookie: "The sun never sets in Faerie."
Ben: "Doesn't work that way. IRL. And in here, I am going to eat you. I hate it, but..."
Sookie: "But I've been with you at night. You fed Jason at night."
Ben: "On those occasions I had already eaten our relatives. Just ... trust me on this, I can't be trusted."
Sookie: "That is the sexiest fucking thing I ever heard in my life. You are like every boyfriend at the same time. Jeez."
Later, under the UFO chandelier -- love this season! -- he says something about binding one of the angel gravestones to the Earth "with his life," and asks her to bind his hands behind him, against it. She does so. There's grunting but I don't know if that's supposed to do something for you or what. I've noticed nerds will often pretend that they are turned on by this stuff because they think they're supposed to be -- and I'd imagine some people actually are, even when it's this inconsequential and dumb -- but either way it's impossible for me to imagine what that's like.
I blame Madonna, and I guess the Rocky Horror Picture Show, for this whole dorky thing. To me kink just seems like trying to run before you've even really nailed this whole "walking" thing -- or maybe living off Mountain Dew because you never got to really enjoy a nice glass of water before you were persuaded that water wasn't working. Or you got ahold of some bad water, maybe, and said "Never again! I suppose I am a person who naturally prefers the taste of Mountain Dew!"
But besides, if you're not getting off, how does pretending you're getting off improve the situation for anybody? The last thing you should be worried about during sex is how it would appear to a third party. Who are you trying to impress? There's nobody there. Each other? That seems sad to me. I just don't get it. I don't judge -- I'm not the one fucking you, it's none of my beeswax -- but it really confuses me to think about how you can just wander into those areas without a sold grounding in the basics.
Mostly I have found personally that when a guy says he likes it rough, what he means is, "I am just terrible to be in bed with! But I will endeavor to make up for it with enthusiasm and low self-esteem, which I guess is kind of like meeting you halfway. Either way, you will eventually come to regret ignoring the red flags provided to you."
Anyway, she "seals" the knot with some quick faerie nonsense, and then they settle in to wait. He does look real good, I'm not going to lie. He always looks good, but it is a flattering light they have there in ye olde realme of Faerielande, and his shirt is doing a very Dread Pirate Roberts thing, and whatever. It's Ben Flynn, I have no illusions, no excuses to sell you, on this subject. You know what's going on here. I was sold the second he showed up. Sold. I've been sold on that dude since the 1700s, shit.
Ben: "Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing with your parents."
Sookie: "It's my fault for quote 'convening a séance' unquote, awesomely."
Ben, twitchier: "You are the only person in this entire situation who is blameless."
He keeps getting interrupted by the twitches and grumblings of vampirism. Do you remember that book The Silver Chair? Prince Rilian, every night in the City Ruinous they'd put him in the Chair so he wouldn't turn into a serpent. I can still remember his speech about that, all, "Enchantments, enchantments! The heavy tangled cold clammy web of evil magic!" Man, I loved that dude. Even as a baby I loved me a hot mess.
GROSS
Alcide goes to find out from his naked dad -- and his creepy naked fried chicken-eating hooker -- where Sam is, then Alcide and his stupid gigolo haircut go sniffing around the motel for Merlotte and Nicole, and they have some kind of discussion about something and nobody cares. He just tells his dad to stay in the motel, naked and dumb, and then takes off. And then the dad smells their sheets also, and I guess whatever.
BILL
Is way too self-satisfied when he finally enters the state of having Liliths zooming up into him again. He sasses them.
I AM # 4
Wake up #4 when Holly startles him, and she asks to have a talk about maybe getting an actual name instead of being #4. He names names of people that have existed in the world, and she picks the first one: Adeline. Dissatisfied, she wants three more to remember all of them. #1 seemed like a Braelin, #2 Charlene, and -- she plucks from his head -- Danica. So now her name is Adeline Braelin Charlene Danica Bellefleur. ABCD. It's all very Bon Tempsy.
LAFAYETTE
Is just doing crafts with his gluegun when Terry drops by to, nervously, give him a present: A key to a safe-deposit box, which Lala knows well enough is a bad sign. Terry looks very beautiful at this time, trying to say so many things he can't say, and then steps into Lafayette's arms, to hug him goodbye. Call his fucking wife!
He calls Arlene, of course, immediately.
BELLEFLEUR
Holly: "Okay what is it now?"
Arlene: "He's going to kill himself. God, PTSD is the worst even when it's not magic."
Holly: "Well, if your woman's intuition says so, I guess I will only moderately question this suddenly belief you have. Hey, now I know you're a huge racist, but..."
Arlene: "Only when it's not inconvenient! Go on."
Holly: "What if we got a vampire to glamour the PTSD out of him? I know a gay one who's married to the dad of my boys' friend, we could call him up."
Arlene: "As long as we're crossing lines, why not cross all of them? Maybe he can help us redecorate, since he is gay, while he is violating my husband's personhood."
Ugh. But you know, nobody knows about the assassin part. They probably just think he's going to do what ... let's see ... 22 US vets a day do. Did you read that just now? Yeah, turns out about once every hour in this country, we let a veteran commit suicide. I didn't know that. I knew it was something unbelievably astronomical, but that's literally inconceivable. Maybe turning it into a hilariously boring joke two seasons in a row on this show is the sane response.
FAERIELANDE
Ben: "I was around 33 at the time. Get it? Because I'm Jesus."
Sookie: "I can't do math because I'm just Sookie, but isn't 3500+2013 a lot of years to wait for a person? I mean, I have my good days, but I'm not that special. Whatever amount that equals in math years."
Ben, verbatim: "I want you to know something, Sookie. I've done a lot of things in this unending lifetime of mine that I regret, but waiting for you is not one of them."
Then she asks the very excellent question, going back to last year, which is: How the fuck was this supposed to work? She begins to take the upper hand, pacing back and forth like Perry Mason, getting back into nuke mode, loving that he's tied up and she gets to be angry about all this. Every boy at the same time: A good thing and a bad one, too.
Sookie: "You were just gonna show up with a contract -- signed in blood, also gross -- that gave you the right to turn me into your faerie vampire bride? Do you not get that that's seriously fucked up?"
Ben: "To be fair, it was the 1700s. That was kind of how it went. But if you want, we can go to your house and tear it up."
Sookie: "Yeah, but you wrote it. In the first place."
Ben: "I hate being a vampire and everything, I killed God Mommy because I hate it so much. And I hate having to kill people all the time too. The thing about us is, we'd be a closed circle. Without end, without a beginning. We could be in the daytime or the nighttime, completely free. Only living on each other's blood. Never hurting anyone."
Ohh. Oh nooooo. You are the Devil, my friend. That is the opposite of okay. That is not what people, relationships, are for. That is the opposite of those things, that is ass to ass. That is back and forth forever, ))<>((-type nonsense. No sir, Mr. Warlow. No sir one little bit.
Sookie: "That sounds great and all, because I am fairly fucked up myself, but like, downside is I would be a vampire?"
Ben: "Yeah. But the kind that just sucks a butt, back and forth, forever and ever."
Sookie: "Give me a second here."
CAMP IRE
With some homophobia and just a little bit of flourish, Burrell visits Eric ("the big blond Whooping Crane," lol): He's chained in a cage within his cell, coffin-sized, and posing like it's no big deal. After some preliminaries, they have a scenery-chewing science guy wheel in Nora -- apparently the shrink wants to hang onto Pam for a while longer -- and inject her with Hep V, a new strain. There is much baring of teeth, to no avail, and then Eric and Nora are left to weep at each other, saying goodbye lovingly in Swedish.
On the one hand, it's sad because Nora never had a chance to be awesome beyond the occasional fit of awesomeness. On the other, it's sad-but-fitting that this is all happening because of Willa. I thought the Willa thing was marvelously balanced: Not only was it what she wanted, rather thirstily, but not even Eric knows how close it came to changing Burrell's mind about some things. I liked it because either outcome would be politically sufficient, but that Eric was honestly shocked and heartbroken by the result. He believed right up until the end that love would win. That Godric's line couldn't help but be victorious; that a father's love for his progeny was the strongest force in the universe.
NOPLACE
These bloody Lilith ladies, I think they're an echo, or rather I think that the ladies in Dracula for example are echoes of these ladies, and in turn these ladies are echoes of Fate itself. That's what I think.
Lilith: "Thanks, ladies. Bill, what the fuck."
Bill: "What the fuck you? You what the fuck."
Lilith: "Your daughter's gone, my kid is gone..."
Bill: "Ah know! But where?"
Lilith: "You have to understand I'm one of those Ones on this show that can't give a straight answer. It's not that I don't want to, it's that what you're seeing is barely a little bit of what's really happening."
Bill: "Riddles! Argle-bargle! Where are our kids!?"
Lilith: "The Tyrant took yours, and the blonde ran off with our salvation..."
Bill: "It is obvious what you mean! And yet Ah do not understand!"
Lilith: "I know, William Compton. Even now that you're God, you're still too dorky to get it."
Bill: "Where's the white room? That fire furnace place? Ah demand answers!"
Lilith: "Oh My Me, William Compton. Go home, borrow a fucking clue, and figure it out. I don't need your attitude right now with everything else going on."
Bill: "Okay but Ah have to hang out until my ride gets here."
Lilith: "Ugh! Whatever!"
GAS STATION
Oh my God. So Sam called Martha and they're handing her over to Martha and he like, literally says, "I am sorry for being a douchebag this whole season, here is your granddaughter, I don't know why it was necessary for any of this shit to happen." Then he instructs Martha on how to live her fucking life, hugs Emma goodbye, cries and whatever, and it's like... Sam is a good-looking guy. I guess that's enough. I guess that's gonna have to be enough; watching him be a good actor is an upshot. Now we have four episodes to wait for Nicole's lycanthropy to kick in and then maybe she will eat him and then he can be a hot ghost and live at Lafayette's house, and we never have to deal with Emma again. Right? That's an option? Tell me that's an option, that sounds great, right? Ghost behind the bar at Merlotte's, you can only see him in the mirror. Ghostly Sam, and bottles of liqueur floating of their own accord. Nobody would even really care at this point, it's Bon Temps. "Remember that orgy that went on for like three months?" "Yeah, that was way weirder than cute Ghost Sam."
"Oh, him? He used to be the owner. Then he was eaten alive by the only person on Earth more self-righteous than he was, and now he is a ghost bartender. In lieu of tips, he likes you to let him give you terrible advice that you should not ever follow."
And over there, who's that? Why it's Tommy Mickens Merlotte, the sweetest ghostly barback in all of Reynard Parish. "Thanks Bro, we need more singles from the back," ghost-Sam would say, and give Tommy a little ghost-peck on the forehead as he went. "Oh, and more ice!"
BELLEFLEUR
Gay vampire guy shows up, greets the ladies, and zooms right up in Terry's face.
"Be still, silent. Listen to me. The pain of your past which haunts you, forget it forever. The terrible choices you've made, all your regrets, gone. Gone. [And then, at Arlene's ill-fated prompting] There was no Marines, there was no war. All you need to know is that you're a father, a stepfather, a husband and a cook."
Terry agrees, and Matt thanks Holly for picking up his kids from soccer on the way out.
Holly: "You be careful out there, with curfew and all..."
Matt: "Nobody ever pulls over a Camry!"
There was something very special about Matt, I liked him a lot. Too bad he said that, though, because his ass is for sure going to vampire jail now. And ten seconds after he's gone, Terry blinks and pulls his wife down into his lap, happier and healthier than he's ever been. And very close to death. A thing nobody knows about, now.
LAVTF
Jason's regaling the higher-ups with tales of the Authority's infiltration, profanity-laden racism and murder (and getting shot up with like, supersoldier serum?), when Sarah Newlin walks in, and everybody comes to attention. They both go very still, and when Jason stands it's with hatred in his eyes.
Jason: "Oh, I know who she is. ...From the TV! Everyone knows Miss Newlin."
She nods, pleased at the resolution to the standoff, then clears the room to ask what the fuck he's even doing.
Jason: "Grabbing you by your pretty little Texas balls. I'm getting Jessica out of here, and if you even think about telling them who I am, I'll them the whole story. The governor throws your ass out, and you lose all this. Which by the way is pretty fucking sick, so I'm sure it was your idea."
He pops breath mints and heads out in full gear, too much swagger by half, and Sarah bites at the air where his face just was. What is going on with her? I don't mean the craziness, that's to be expected, but we still don't know how the rescindment worked with Jessica. There's a part of this we can't see yet, and I don't like Jason teasing her before we know what it is. Doesn't that make you nervous? In addition to whatever sick revenge scenario she's probably already got in place just using regular Muggle skillz?
WILLA
Willa won't look up when her father comes in -- "She's already been fed," the guard assures him -- but she demands the second she can smell him to put her in Gen Pop.
Gov: "Oh, that's too dangerous!"
Willa: "I'm in a concentration camp, bitch."
Gov: "The accommodations here are better, trust me..."
Willa: "You're not funny. I know that your heart is breaking but honestly, the overprotective thing is about making you feel better, not based in actual caring."
Gov: "I am dealing with a lot here, sweetheart. Between you and me, I have a futile hope I can still fix this."
Willa: "First of all, I am a dead thing. Secondly, we're playing God now? And third, are you just going to 'fix' me in this fantasy? Or turn everybody."
Gov: "I have to believe Overlark's team is doing all of this sick shit for a reason."
Willa: "Sad. Look, you need to treat me like the rest of my kind. I'm nuts in here."
Gov: "They are not your kind!"
Willa: "Yes. They. Are. Get it through. And you're just as responsible for that as my Maker is. You did it. Now you want to help me with it? With what you made? Put me out there, in Gen Pop, with my friend [don't say it don't say it] Tara. I'm newborn, I don't know anything about what's going on inside me. I'm not lonely, I'm flipping out in an entirely new existence you can't grasp. I need help with this. The thing that is actually happening."
He pats her -- entreatingly, sadly, awkwardly -- on the head, as he goes, but the echoes are disastrous.
SAM MERLOTTE
Uh, Alcide is still mad at Sam even though he gave back the kid, because he took the kid and because Alcide is crazy under his Eurotrash hair. Also because of Nicole, whom the Pack believes Sam led to them. True, but not his fault.
Sam: "Uh, trust me, Nicole is done videotaping werewolves."
Nicole: "Seriously. You guys are the fucking worst."
Alcide: "But I'm still mad! And not looking so great!"
Sam: "I don't know, man. Kill us or not, but please do something. This storyline is as painful for us as it is for everybody else, and I know you haven't gotten a blowjob in like two episodes."
Alcide: "Good point! Growwwwwl. You can leave and not die, but never go to Shreveport or Bon Temps or anywhere or do anything, or else I will let Raccoona eat your face. Why? Because."
Nicole: "I wish that I had gone to a vocational school instead of letting a liberal arts education fill my brain with all this nonsense about equality. That did not work out for me."
They beat it. Sam opens a bar in Alaska called Shmerlotte's and Nicole starts a social justice Tumblr that wins all the awards for being fuckin' annoying, then one full moon she turns into a werewolf and eats Sam's entire body starting with his beautiful face, and that's the end of Sam. Rest in sexy pieces, Mr. Merlotte.
Nicole is forced by her convictions to "come out" to every single person she comes across, and eventually somebody shoots her one million times with silver bullets. Not because she is a werewolf, but because she sucks. They simply cannot take it anymore.
Back at the gas station, Alcide's dad hangs around staring, because that is his favorite thing to always be doing at all times. Just staring, feeling wolfy feelings, being a drunk or inveterate gambler or whatever his deal is on this show.
Alcide: "Why are you even here, Dad?"
Dad: "Nobody knows."
Alcide: "What am I even doing here? What was this whole thing about?"
Dad: "Nobody cares."
Alcide: "What happens ?"
Dad: "I'm guessing it involves your shirt coming off, or else you'll be living solely on your ice cream money year. Moral of the story, don't be a werewolf on this show unless you are Martha, because you will end up a assmunch."
COMPTON LABS
I love how the first thing Bill always does when he gets back from Blood Heaven is turn on the TV with his mind powers. I like how that's a thing. Before his eyes even open: Click, let's see how the pogrom is progressing. I wasn't even that much of a news junkie when Paul Ryan kept popping up on Morning Joe last year. Sure, I'd get up at five for that shit, but I'd always turn the TV on manually, instead of with my telekinesis. Shown up once again by the elegant Bill Compton.
On the news we are finally getting back to that thread about the Governor opening up a new TruBlood factory, obviously now with bonus Hep V in every bottle, because that's where this was always headed, ever since that conversation he had a month ago for us and like two days ago for him. "So refreshing! And now with an extra taste of my insides dying, to give it that kick." He promises an end to the curfew, and a special price-discount to lure in those re-addicted customers who remember how shitty it tastes. He's thought of everything!
Bill: "Oh, that's the Tyrant. Oh, I get it now. He's got my daughter. Obviously. Now, give me that Warlow blood so I can drink it and be part faerie (or something?) and I'm going to lock you in this cell using only my Dark Phoenix Mind Powers."
Beautiful Bill strides out into the sun, high on faerie blood and dorkily double-checking on his lawn, as is his way.
CAMP ANNA CAMP
Oh, devilish.
Sarah: "Jason! I was thinkin' how tough it is, first day on the job, and I thought, That boy's probably wonderin' just what the heck he got himself into? Maybe saying to himself, I have made a huge motherfucking mistake. So I wanted to make you feel like part of the team."
Doc Overlock: "Welcome to the copulation study..."
Sarah: "That means fucking, Jason. As I'm sure you're aware."
Doc Overlock: "Under the thin guise of science, we watch vampires fuck. For scientific reasons of science."
James -- poor lil' bastard Ryan from Brothers & Sisters, lookin' pretty grown-up these days, with some long hair to match -- is pushed into the chamber, only in PJ bottoms. Jason does not see where this is headed, because he is a sweetheart.
Jason: "I mean, who doesn't like to watch people fuck? Vampires, I mean. I used to have a real thing about that. But where's the other..."
Sarah: "Ahem. Send her in?"
James, ashamed, explains to Jessica what they want, and Sarah smiles down at Jason, behind the glass.
Jessica: "I mean, I don't even know you."
James: "I won't be doing that, for you see I'm not a rapist."
But Sarah is. And this is how she'll do it, forcing Jason to watch so he doesn't break his cover. They zap James with a pinpoint UV spotlight, again and again, until Jessica's screaming in terror. Until she agrees, out of compassion, stripping off her clothes at the glass.
Jessica: "You'll have your show. Just get it over with. Oh, and I'm going to feel like a virgin, okay? But I'm not, it's just a..."
James: "No fucking way. You're a beautiful person and you don't deserve this."
Jessica: "Actually, as of yesterday I disagree on both counts..."
James screams at them, through the glass, as Sarah giggles and zaps him bloody, over and over again. Finally she relents, and they take Jessica away. The last thing she says is her name, so he'll know his new friend. So he'll know anyone.
So they won't be entirely alone.
BIG JOHN
Just loves Terry's new unburdened attitude today, taking out the trash and commiserating with his wife over the rude costumers -- "I finally got you trained!" she laughs -- and he dances around Lafayette, momentarily; she thanks him quite seriously for saving Terry's life, and her own, and Terry walks out into the back with all the garbage, and just as he's throwing it into the garbage, he is murdered.
They hear the shot, all of them. Big John finds him, bleeding out; Lafayette guards the door, pushing Arlene back. Eventually he lets her past, but keeps the customers from watching. Big John lets her take him in his arms, as he's bleeding out, and she holds him in her lap.
"Look at me. Think about all the joy in your life. Your family, us, our children. That beautiful baby boy we brought into this world. Remember when Mikey was still growing inside my tummy? What you'd sing to him every night?"
Under the sun, in the dirt by the Merlotte's garbage bins, she sings and weeps and then he's gone. She kisses him goodbye as the sirens approach.
CAMP GROUNDS
"...Yes, you shall lie down, and your sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked when it cometh... The Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from the snare..."
Bill holds his arms wide, grinning madly as the guards open fire on him in the gardens. Eventually, after he's had his fun, he shuts them all down -- and then they fire on each other, in a circle of death.
It's just Bill and the Governor now, in the garden. They circle each other. Burrell pretends ignorance, at first -- "What white room?" -- and then abject fear, and then cleaves to Bill's search for his progeny -- "My daughter's gone, too" -- and when none of that works, he offers himself up as a martyr to the cause. An offering Bill accepts, handily, feeding on the Governor briefly before removing his head, placing it at the foot of a statue nearby, and heading inside.
WHERE
Nora is quickly succumbing to the disease, with the Bloods up top and diseased blue veins crawling up her body, and Godric's name on her lips. He swears he'll see her free.
Out in Gen Pop -- Top Dog jailhouse lady watching carefully -- Willa laughs with Tara for a moment before doubling over. Tara recognizes it immediately, and her eyes light up. Now it starts.
"You gotta go, Babygirl. Listen up, this is glamouring 101... Rip the contacts out if you have to, but keep it moving. You'll get sick if you don't. This is our salvation."
She takes that Gross Rape Guard up on his offer to sexually violate her -- which Tara loves more than anything in at least two seasons, to her credit -- and we're off to the races.
Glamoured, the rapey guard punches out the doctor working on Nora in her last moments, and things move fast: "Buppuppup. Get the coat off her, before you rip her arm off." Willa giggles, overjoyed to see him. He thanks the guard sweetly, holding one a wrist to be unlocked, and they proceed into the corridor: Eric in the guard's gear, his quickly failing sister in the doctor's clean coat, his daughter their surly prisoner.
Nora: "Not sure how much longer I can..."
Eric: "Well, I'm not gonna let you stop. We're all leaving together, once we find Pam."
Willa: "And Tara. And Jessica."
Eric: "Ugh, fine."
He leaves Willa with Nora -- don't touch her, don't let it happen -- and moves into the TruBlood facility, where vats of disease bubble into every bottle. Minutes from being served up to Gen Pop in just a few minutes.
FAERIELANDE
Sookie: "Oh yeah, we're still here? Great. So I've been thinking. Over the past few seasons, the town consensus has changed a little bit over time. Care to guess what..."
Ben: "There is zero way that would work out for me. No thanks."
Sookie: "-- Town retard. But ever since the vampires, it's been slowly changing. People can know a stunning amount of your business, if they're interested. And I've been becoming very interesting, over the years. Now the consensus is that I'm a danger whore."
Ben: "But like, that's not even a term that people..."
Sookie: "I know what they mean. I guess one vampire, everybody gets one vampire. But two? The scariest two in Louisiana? The King and the Sherriff? The murderers of the entire Authority?"
Ben: "That's not... We're not like..."
Sookie: "You think it's offensive because of that word, but maybe I'm just telling you my turn-ons and turn-offs. Because listen, my body has wanted you since the day you tricked me into taking you home. It's all sparks when we touch. I got a taste before I nearly killed you, because I wanted it."
Ben: "You think maybe because we're in love?"
She zaps his bonds again, extra tight, and offers her neck. She bites his in turn, and then it's with tits to the sky and blood pouring down her face -- looking crazy as all hell, of course -- that she takes her man. And where they touch, here between life and death -- in a verdant graveyard, rich with life; in a both-and-neither place with a both-at-once boy -- it's just light, only and forever light, blazing like a crystal sun.
Girl + Boy = Nuclear Bomb. A circle without end.
WEEK
Well finally, girl. You go on and get it. As long as you make it home eventually.
Jason rescues Jess, Sam heads back to Bon Temps because he is a moron, Willa spreads the truth about TruBlood Plus, Now With Guarana (And Diseases), and -- saddest of all -- Eric begs Bill's divine mercy for Nora.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.