By Keckler
This might have been the warm-fuzziest episode of Top Chef ever. When Camille got sent home for dumping cornmeal on her pineapple upside-down muffin, there was barely a dry eye in the kitchen. Even Joey From New York's face was red and shining with tears! Aw. Also, when Immunized Casey realizes that she might have screwed her team to such a degree that one of them would be sent home because her dish was just that awful, her guilt-ridden tears bring hugs and rubs from her teammates as well as from other cheftestants. It's no joke that this group is definitely united in supporting one another against all odds, as evidenced by the same hearty round of applause every cheftestant gets on their way out.
In a Bombay Sapphire Gin product-placed Quickfire, where the cheftestants are tasked with pairing set cocktails with their created appetizers, Casey wins the Immunity by matching a Balsamic-Strawberry Rickey with a pecan-crusted foie gras French toast.
The most amusing parts are when Hung thinks he gets mouthy with the Bombay representative, and watching Joey From New York and Howie bond over their mid-challenge distaste for Casey.
Divided into teams of three, the cheftestants set about planning a trio-based tasting menu for a passel of chain-draped food fiends. Coming out with a cherry on top is Team Shrimp -- Lia, Brian, and Hung -- with Lia winning a guest chef gig at some Hamptons charity event. On the opposite end of that spectrum is quiet, hardly-seen Camille, who is sent home for taking Alton Brown's advice on how to make a pineapple upside-down cake but not being Alton Brown.
The cheftestants get up in the morning -- Casey takes some time to sharpen her knives on a diamond block -- and do a group cheer before they head out to the kitchen.
When it comes to Bombay Sapphire Gin, nothing befits such a clean, crisp flavor as a basic martini, pure and simple. Growing up, I learned how to make martinis watching Patrick Dennis do it in Auntie Mame, where I also learned, "stir, never shake -- bruises the gin." A few years ago, Bombay Sapphire was my ultimate in gin tastiness, but I have since discovered Gin 209, Sarticious, Hendricks, Junípero, and Tanqueray Rangpur (best in a gin and tonic; it's too much like a l'Occitane eau de parfum in a martini). However, Bombay Sapphire is the gin of the night, so here you go. You can apply this standard recipe using any brand your gin-soaked heart desires.
Classic Martini2 ounces Bombay Sapphire Gin
1 ounce vermouth
Olives, citrus peel, onions, or what you will
The Stir:
Fill both a cocktail glass and a shaker with ice. Add the gin to the shaker and stir with a long handled spoon. Over a sink, dump the ice out of the cocktail glass and fill the glass with the vermouth. Swirl vermouth around the glass, coating all sides, and dump into the sink. Strain the stirred gin into the glass and add the garnish of your choice.Sip -- ahhhh.
So, as I might have mentioned before: Bombay Sapphire Gin is in the house and there are lurid cocktails a-plenty strewn about the display table. Dale is totally stoked because his last consulting job was pairing cocktails with food. Predicting that she'll have to deal with a Lemon Drop, Camille sucks in her cheeks. Casey is nervous because she's accustomed to pairing wine, not cocktails, with food. Padma introduces their guest judge, but can we just talk about how much I love her clothes today? The ruffled lavender vintage-y top is perfect with the chocolate brown pencil skirt. Tasteful, understated, very nice. Okay, so Jamie Walker -- the guest judge -- is the "global master mixologist" for Bombay Sapphire Gin. "Dear Keckler, Um, I love your recaps but I just wanted to let you know that I go to Harvard and it's actually 'Mumbai' now, not 'Bombay.' Thanks!" You think I'm joking, don't you? The cheftestants have to whip up some foodstuffs to pair with the cocktails Jamie made earlier. After he gives us a brief but patently obvious Bombay Sapphire commercial, Jamie tells us that more and more restaurants these days are adding "master mixologists" to their staff. These folks are on hand to perform the same duties as a sommelier. Does that open the field up to future cheftestants who will feel Colicchio's wrath? "This is Top Chef, not Top Mixologist!" The cheftestants draw knives for their cocktails -- when Hung pulls his, he mutters long and completely inaudibly to himself -- and get to work.
Food Flurry. The cheftestants sip their cocktails and start running around. I was really hoping to see some drunkenness in this scene but alas, they are all too professional. However, Joey From New York's suspiciously red face does admit, "I could go for two more of these," as it sips at his assigned Pineapple and Vanilla Martini. [Insert predictable rant about how not ALL drinks served in cocktail glasses are MARTINIS!] Because Dale's Sapphire Sherry is "pure alcohol," he's using rich foie gras to cut the alcohol taste. Casey, in an "Oh. Mah. Gawd." Voice, explains that she doesn't know what a "Rickey" is (she's working with a Balsamic Strawberry Rickey), so she's flying blind with a "hair-brained" idea to make French toast. Her "Do You Believe In Magic" tone clearly expects us all to shout, "Not French toast! What a completely insane but just so insane that it might be awesome idea!" All Rickeys I'm familiar with typically have a common ingredient: lime juice. I'm not saying Casey's doesn't, because lime and strawberry are great together, but that's all I really know about them. Children, let's gather around in a circle on the carpet for a little Cocktail History. Those of you who are culinarily curious can head on down to the paragraph or go play on the whistle chairs. According to Dale DeGroff's book, The Craft of the Cocktail, the Rickey -- named for "Colonel Joe" Rickey, a nineteenth century Washingtonian lobbyist -- was composed of gin, lime juice, and club soda. Colonel Joe Rickey also became the first major importer of limes to this country, which is a thing that makes you go hmm. Hung bitches that he is not a hard alcohol fan and it "does not go with refined, beautiful, elegant food. That I cook." After Stephen, I didn't think there would be another cheftestant who was so completely in love with himself, but still, there's something about Hung's delivery that makes everything he says more comical than pompous. It's like he's too short to do pompous. It helps that he doesn't dress up like a fussy dentist, too. Hung then explains that he's cooking a creamy, rich dish because he believes it will match well with the sweetness of his Raspberry and Mint Martini. Yeah, see, that's not what I would like to eat and drink together. I'd prefer something sour or more astringent to go with something creamy or rich. Time ticks down.
Joey From New York paired his Roasted Pineapple and Vanilla cocktail with caramelized sea scallops and jasmine rice risotto. Okay, that sounds delicious, but do I need to institute a scallop meter for this show? I know they're in Miami, but people, do something -- anything -- else! Jamie is okay with the combo, but not thrilled. Howie's Watermelon-Chile cocktail is paired with balsamic-glazed scallops (ANYTHING, people!) with an arugula, blueberry, and grape salad. It also looks like he's got some folded bacon and basil perched on top. Jamie appreciates the way Howie's added richness works with the heat of his cocktail. Hung is very, VERY proud of his salmon and salmon skin with a sour cream, Meyer lemon, and balsamic sauce, which he thinks -- sorry, KNOWS -- will go well with his Raspberry Mint cocktail. Jamie is not impressed and thinks the drink is too sweet for the dish. Hung smiles tightly. Moving on to CJ, Jamie comments Britishly, "Hello, you're very tall." Hee. CJ paired his "Lemon Bomb" with caramelized watermelon, avocado, and grilled squid. There are some chive buds draped across the watermelon as well. Jamie decides that CJ's cocktail called for a richer dish. , Jamie determines that Dale's seared foie gras with candied parsnips and an orange and rice wine vinegar gastrique goes well with the Sapphire Sherry even before he tastes the drink again. He tastes and guess what, he was right! In rather depressed tones, Tre explains that he wanted to contrast his Strawberry-Basil cocktail with a sumac and black pepper-seared halibut served with watermelon and some sea salt that he smoked himself. Jamie tells him it all "really works," which you would think is good news, but Tre's face is impassive to the point of boredom when hears this. Has anyone checked to see if he's still alive? Casey took a "sweet route" with her dish. She made French toast from a baguette and then placed a piece of pecan-encrusted seared foie gras on top. There's also a raspberry sauce. Jamie thinks it "works really well."
The results are in and Jamie names off his least favorites. Starting with Joey From New York, Jamie says his dish didn't work with the cocktail because, "It was too robust, too heavy, a little bit clumsy." Sort of like Joey. Jamie also didn't like Hung's pairing, "It was just a little bit muddled -- the ingredients you had there, it should have worked with richer, stronger flavors." "So sweetness didn't go good with creaminess," Hung confirms, "Thank you." Hung tells us smugly, "I'm thinking to myself, he's confused -- that's why I called him out." That's calling him out? Wow, you could be fighting with Hung and not even know he's mad! Crazy. The pairings Jamie really liked were Tre's, Casey's, and Dale's. Casey wins it with her bold flavors and beautiful execution.
For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants will be dividing themselves into teams of three, and each team will create one course in a tasting menu. "Which must be a trio of the same ingredient," Padma adds. Of course it must. The following day, the cheftestants will have two hours to cook at Chef Barton G's newest restaurant. Okay, I know this guy's real name is Barton G. Weiss, but he goes by "Barton G." which can't help but remind me of Nanny G of Frasier fame or Ali G of regular fame. Sadly, this guy is neither a nymphomaniacal children's entertainer nor a confused white gang member from Staines. Padma goes on, "Attending the dinner will be ten members of the Chaine des Rotisseurs dining society. They are a group of fine-dining connoisseurs with VERY REFINED PALATES. GOOD LUCK." Someone needs to tell Padma's acting coach that volume doesn't always equal emphasis.
The cheftestants struggle to break themselves into groups. They start by dropping their names into a bucket and drawing them out -- the first three are a group, the three are a group -- you get the gist, right? Soon, they start to argue over how many fish dishes they can have, and then the entire plan goes completely awry when the dangerously divisive subject of dessert comes up. Howie, who is trying to institute an agreed-upon progression of the tasting menu, gets under Dale's skin -- they were teammates with Casey at this point -- so Dale nominates himself off that team in order to join a dessert team. Finally, Dale, Sara M., and Camille end up on the dessert team because they all admit to some passing experience with the course. Joey From New York fills Dale's hole (ahem) on the fish course, an event that makes Casey roll her eyes and shake her head. "And there's a LOT of build up here and I KNOW this is going to be difficult. I'm aggravated," she tells us. Yeah, but the funny thing is that, contrary to what was expected, Howie and Joey From New York don't end up having a problem with each other -- they have a problem with you! Finally, the teams are settled and they all break off to decide their dishes. I have to say that with three individual dishes per team, this is about as anti-team as a teamed event could be. They're all working separately and they only thing they really have to do as a team is agree on an ingredient. Casey is already having difficulties with her team. Her suggestion of doing cheese ravioli is shot down, as is her idea of "really reach[ing] out" to do "different stuff." Howie and Joey From New York remind her that the two of them don't have Immunity, so they can't afford to take crazy risks. Joey From New York tells us, "I started to get cranky." Heh, Joey using the word "cranky" is just the beginning of how endearing he ended up being this episode.
Back at the apartment, Casey chills out with a sandwich while the rest of the teams get together to discuss their strategy. Out on the terrace, Howie and Joey From New York bitch about her, "What has she got to worry about? She's got fucking Immunity." Casey takes an extra big bite of her sandwich. Joey From New York goes inside to call Casey out to the terrace. Casey freezes with her mouth full of sandwich and gestures wildly with the exaggerated patience of a parent talking to a drooling four-year-old, "Let me eat and then I'll come out there." Howie tells us that Casey's not going to lose sleep over the challenge. Casey, sandwich in tow, joins her team outside. Dramatically and with lots of emphatic head bobbing, Casey insists they don't have time to make homemade pasta. Howie tells us that he doesn't think Casey should be making any of the decisions. The thing is, if Casey didn't contribute at all and just let Howie and Joey From New York decide everything, wouldn't they then bitch that she was not helping? Casey rearranges her legs on the bench and says -- again, dramatically -- "You know, I cannot argue because I have not seen the QUALITY of the PRODUCT. I'm listening to you but I'm just saying --" To us, Casey smoothes down her hair and fingertips her temples for emphasis when she says, "No one's really listening -- we're all just sort of aggravated that we're having to work with each other right now." Casey leaves the boys to go "lay on the bed and think." The inside of her eyelids have lots of cooking tips. Howie sighs that he's nervous, which gets a big, sympathetic, wheezy chuckle out of Joey From New York. Aw, he's kind of cute. I mean, he's a blow-hard and a whiner, but he's clearly trying hard to put his issues with Howie behind them.
The day, the cheftestants shop with their allotted $150 per course. Lia tells us, "Which is actually? Not very much money, given that we're supposed to be doing, like, something very, like, fine dining." Sara N. also goes on record as saying everyone is stressed by the stingy budget. You know, they're totally right. They're cooking for a group who presumably doesn't bat an eye at spending $250 just on their wine, so this is pretty stupid. The first course team -- Hung, Lia, and Brian -- discover that the scallops are frozen (Halleluau!) so they grab up some Florida shrimp. Howie, Joey From New York, and Casey likewise give up their first choice -- duck -- for the less expensive tuna. Howie explains that after they bought the needed four pounds of tuna, they only had $50 left for "accoutrements." I'm loving the vocabulary tonight -- Joey called himself "cranky" and now Howie's talking about "accoutrements." They're getting themselves ready to interface with the Chain Mail Club. CJ comments on how much their protein -- beef -- ate up their budget. The dessert team has decided on pineapple as their main ingredient and look around for nuts and things, but Brain is in another part of the market. At the checkout counter, Team Shrimp discovers that they are over budget, and Casey wonders if they need so many shallots. "I won't do my fucking dish!" Joey From New York announces. Please, let him have his shallots. They scale back on the blood oranges, and Joey From New York explains how they had to nickel and dime themselves down, "We're probably like thirty dollars over, and it's like, 'take two blood oranges out, take two limes out, take two lemons out.'"
Lia is already stressed about time since her Team Shrimp is the first course to be served. Brian (MALARKEY!) details how much thought went into the progression of their courses -- his essence of tomato will flow into Lia's avocado which, in turn will segue into Hung's corn. I wish I was more surprised that Brian dabbles in "essences." Team Shrimp's flavors will get progressively stronger as they go on. Casey discovers that Team Tuna is out of soy sauce and complains, "I gotta do a WHOLE tartare." Casting her eyes exasperatedly to the heavens, Casey tells us, "In my mind, I just keep telling myself, 'You know, sometimes in the kitchen you're going to work with people you don't like to work with.'" Deep stuff, Casey. Sara N. explains that Team Beef is going to go from light to robust. Camille, in that slow, intensely relaxed voice of hers that would be more at home in on a yoga retreat than in a kitchen, tells us that they weren't required to make a dessert for this menu, but usually four-course tasting menus do include a dessert. Sara M. weighs in with the stress that none of them are really pastry people. Then why not choose chocolate? You could get away with so many non-pastry things with chocolate -- mousse, pot de crème, high-end milkshakes, cocktails, flourless tortes, ice cream…Hell, just give these chiens de roti a hunk of Valrhona along with a big speech about how no one appreciates chocolate au naturale any more and they'll love it! After sampling some cakey thing that he describes as "doughy," Dale tells us that Camille's a "sweetheart" and he "love[s] her to pieces" but he does have his concerns.
Colicchio strolls in for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. He learns that Team Shrimp definitely put a lot of thought into their course and that Team Beef thinks they're going to win because every component of their meat and truffles course flows gracefully into the other. CJ is the one to explain all this to Colicchio and AS SOON as Colicchio thanks them and prepares to move on, CJ totally and obviously checks his watch. Seriously, they got shit to do -- stop yammering, Colicchio! When he checks in with Team Pineapple, Colicchio predictably asks if any of them have dessert or pastry experience. They all admit to having a little. See now, if they had to tell Colicchio exactly what they were doing -- and we don't know if they did because no one else specifically told Colicchio about individual dishes -- why didn't he stop them from doing pineapple panna cotta for the very reason that the enzymes in pineapple don't allow gelatin to set? It's a good question, but the thing is, even we don't know that they are doing panna cotta at this point, because no one has actually said so.
When Colicchio asks Team Tuna if their dishes relate to each other "in any way at all," Howie tries to bullshit that Casey's doing more of an Eastern dish, Joey From New York is doing a Western dish, and his dish will end up in the middle. Colicchio puzzles over this and proclaims, "Soy sauce." Team Tuna is silent as they wonder if Colicchio's having a stroke. Howie gives him a questioning head jut. "There's soy on yours, right?" Colicchio asks Joey From New York. Yep. Joey From New York tells us, "Chef Tom looks at the soy -- right away he believes it's not going to work." See, I didn't read it that way at all. I thought Colicchio was wondering what soy sauce was doing in a supposedly Western dish. Joey From New York goes on to us, "I think Chef Tom just came over -- he likes to ruffle my feathers a little bit. He knows he can get under my skin." As much as the Sniff 'n' Sneer can be a condescending waste of time, I really don't think Colicchio is singling you out, Joey. He didn't just come over with the sole purpose of ruffling your feathers -- or any feathers -- in particular. He's there to make everyone stop what they're doing, explain what they're doing, and then leave. And then sometimes chuckle about it outside the kitchen or in the dining room with the other judges. "Everything I fucking make, he makes a fucking comment anyway," Joey bitches to his team. Hon, he makes a fucking comment about everything ANYONE fucking makes. That's the point of the show. Casey explains to us that Joey From New York was taking it all very personally. "He was sort of cussing and angry, which is a waste of time," she tells us, primly tucking hair behind her ear.
In the middle of a Food Flurry, Sara M. tells us that she's using powdered gelatin, something she's never used before. What the -- ? Seriously, after last year's Panna Puck-a, why hasn't Lee Anne stocked them up with sheet gelatin to ensure there will be no more complaints, legitimate or otherwise? Admittedly, Sara M. is having the opposite problem Marisa had. Instead of getting hard and rubbery, her stuff won't set. Because she's using pineapple. However, Sara M., not realizing this is the problem and blaming it all on the powdered gelatin, decides to ditch the panna cotta and make a semifreddo instead. Team Shrimp begins plating.
Oh, lord, here come the Chain Meal Club and they in all seriousness have draped themselves in sashes -- blue or red, depending on…what? -- which, in turn, are festooned with medals and chains. They look really stupid and also absurdly hard to clean. Then again, I'm sure these types employ special chain mail polishers and cleaners. Actually, only one guy is wearing a red sash and the rest are in blue. Clearly, you have to aspire to the red sash. It's totally a Frasier episode. Hail, Corkmaster, the master of the cork! He knows which wine goes with fish or pork! On the subject of said Corkmasters, CJ tells us, "I think they might get, like, medals and have all sorts of pageantry around their necks." Heh, he's so not impressed. In the dining room, Padma is distracted by something shiny. She leans over and says, "Oh, I love all of your saaashes." Ted Allen wants to know, "Are the medals based on the volume of food you eat?" which gets a big laugh over here, but pretty much nets only forced smiles and mirthless chuckles from the Corkmasters. Padma introduces Barton G. to everyone and they all lift their glasses.
Team Shrimp brings out their trio and Brian (MALARKEY!) loudly tells them what they will be eating and how they will be eating it. "We'll be eating from the right to the left," he explains. Right away that confuses me -- are they eating Hebrew or perhaps Japanese? Because wouldn't eating from left to right make more sense? Maybe he means his right, which is their left? I had a lamb trio once and we ate it from top to bottom and then another trio I had was in a circle, and I completely lost my grip on which dish was what right after it was described. I really have no idea about this one. Explaining the first dish, Brian goes on about his raw Key West pink shrimp in a quick "ceviche" marinade with Daikon radish, shiso, and caviar. Lia details her olive oil-poached shrimp seasoned with coriander and chile and under that is avocado and then a tiny diced salad of cucumber, candied lime, and grilled poblano chiles AND THEN there's a marinated tomato on top. Hung is and he says, "Good evening, my name is Hung." A reader pointed out to me in an email that he doesn't get to say, "I am Hung." I'm sure he's dying to do that. Anyway, Hung's offering a sautéed shrimp with a corn pudding sauce -- reduced corn juice, cooked in its natural starch -- and corn with bacon and chives. The foam -- oh, the FOAM -- is essence of shrimp. Yeah, more and more, these foams just look like spit on the plate. Or the crap that washes up on beaches. Flotsam? Jetsam? Newsom?
The Corkmasters eat, muttering quietly. "This is GOOD, this is GOOD!" Padma insists loudly, tossing her mane of hair around. One Corkmaster says, "Fantastic, very nice." Colicchio thinks Brian's offering was a little salty, Hung's was "fine," and Lia's was "really strong, really clean." Barton G. opines, "It's hard to present any of the foam correctly." Overall, Colicchio judges Team Shrimp as "very successful."
As Team Tuna plates, Joey From New York looks around and asks where Casey is. Howie, his head down to his dish, has no idea. The timer goes off for the second course, and Howie finally yells, "Where's our third server?" Dale gets Casey out of the pantry, who is saying, "Christ Almighty!" Is He the third server? Because He might make you guys add some loaves to that tuna. Howie doesn't think his dish was horrible but it also wasn't exactly what he hoped to achieve. In the dining room, Casey explains that her tartare "Bird's Nest" has raw tuna with cucumber and jalapeño. Sounds and looks boring. Howie did a coriander-crusted seared ahi tuna with blood orange marmalade and a citrus-soy drizzle, topped with cilantro salad and crispy shiitake mushrooms. That sounds delicious. Joey From New York says he did an olive oil-confit "tuner" with thyme, rosemary, chile, fire-roasted cherry tomato, crispy shallots, and bacon. That also sounds tasty. The cheftestants thank the diners and leave.
As Barton G. asks, "What's the red --?" while poking at his dish, Padma says, "That's the BLOOD ORANGE MARMALADE." And then I said, "No, it's the tomato!" but Howie didn't say he had a tomato, Joey From New York did. So, I go back and look at the images again. At first it was hard to tell, since both Joey and Howie have crispy somethings on top of their dishes, but there was no way to imagine that the rounded red thing on top of what we're told is Howie's tuna was blood orange marmalade, no friggin' way. What really proved that Bravo Graphics had swapped Howie's image with Joey's is the fact that the one we're supposed to believe is Joey's dish clearly has Howie's cilantro salad on top of it. Jesus. That might have nothing to do with what Barton G. was poking at, but it's what set me off Nancy Drewing the images. Look, I know the guys are both round and sound like they're from New York, but one had a tomato and one had a full-leafed cilantro salad -- it's not that hard to tell the difference. The general consensus is that the dishes weren't that successful. Colicchio decides that Casey should have tasted her dish before she sent it out.
As Team Beef brings their plates out, Casey -- who is standing almost in the way -- sings out, "Bye guys. Looks beautifuuuul!" Team Beef has no reaction. I think Casey's really beginning to annoy me. Announcing that they did filet mignon, which again starts from right to left, CJ explains he made a beef carpaccio with sherry vinaigrette -- he reduced beef trimmings with oil to make the vinaigrette -- and a phyllo cigar tuile and parsley oil. Sara N. butter-braised her beef and added baby asparagus, carrots, and a white truffle sauce. Weren't they all supposed to use truffles in some way? I thought they said that earlier. Maybe the oil CJ used in his reduction was truffle oil? The most robust of the bunch, Tre's beef finale is seared with black pepper and rosemary and perched on top of a bluefoot chanterelle mushroom risotto cake, surrounded by an aged sherry reduction. I've decided that CJ loves his tuiles as much as Tre loves bluefoot chanterelles. The cheftestants leave. "The…presentation is…beautiful," Padma informs no one in particular. Ted Allen finds something "really delicious." "You like…Tre's…with the risotto cake," Padma says to Barton G., I think. "Number two you could have at Denny's -- it was like roast beef," random Corkmaster sneers. If I were Sara N., I'd take that as a compliment -- Grand Slam Breakfasts are the bomb.
Team Pineapple plates their catastrophe. Dale is not happy with his dessert, "All the flavors were fantastic. I mean, if it were for a whole bunch of blind people, it would have been great! But it just ended up being a total disaster." Camille knows she didn't make The Best pineapple upside down cake, but she thinks she did her best under the constraints of the challenge. I think I'm going to record her voice and make some stress relief tapes. Joey From New York says the fourth course "looked like a circus," but he gives them props for attempting dessert. Team Pineapple goes out to the dining room, and Joey wasn't kidding -- that plate looks like a jumbled, unplanned mess with berry coulis graffiti all over it. Sara M. announces that they are starting with her pineapple semifreddo topped with pineapple, pistachio, and ginger, sitting on a puddle of blueberry sauce and a "reduced pineapple reduction." Dale explains his "free form" tropical tart. I love making "free form" and "rustic" tarts, they are the perfect excuse for ugliness. "It's not a mistake -- it's RUSTIC!" Dale took a chance with making a macadamia nut pâte brisée (pie crust dough) and filled it with vanilla coconut cream and cardamom-roasted pineapple, and underneath the mini tart is a hibiscus-marinated raspberry sauce. Finally, Camille's rather plain looking pineapple upside down cake has a slurp of ginger zabaglione/sabayon on top of it.
After one Corkmaster gets it straight that the cheftestants weren't required to do a dessert, and Ted Allen says something about giving them points for difficulty, Padma announces, "I'm going to start with the semifreddo." That's what you're supposed to start with, Padma. Barton G. thinks the semifreddo just tastes like "cream, frozen cream." "The upside down pineapple thing is…hideous," Colicchio decides. He's not even trying to eat anything anymore. I think he took a single bite of every dessert and gave up. "This tastes like an English dessert, which is absolutely hideous!" a Corkmaster snobs. First of all, isn't there an English guy there and isn't he going to strangle you with your pageantry? Second of all, shut the fuck up. Let's see, English desserts to love: sticky toffee pudding, trifle, bread pudding with poured Guernsey cream, and Banoffi pie. I know there are more, but those are the ones near and dear to my stomach.
To us, Dale goes off on the fact that his team, unlike the rest of the tartare-carpaccio heads, took a risk and he's proud of that. Padma thanks and excuses the Corkmasters and their pounds of chain mail.
Judges' Table. Colicchio goes on about the season's first team challenge being difficult and adds, "They had to come to a consensus to choose shrimp, or choose tuna, or choose beef, or choose pineapple, for whatever reason you would do that!" Padma laughs and ducks her head coyly. Barton G. thinks the dessert course was "one big blur." Padma announces that they should choose the strongest course and pick a winning dish. I love how they make Padma believe she has any sort of control on this show. It's sweet. Turning to Barton G., Padma encourages him to talk about Hung's dish on Team Shrimp. Barton G. thinks it tasted good, but it didn't look right, "Didn't really like that foam." On the other hand, Ted Allen did, "It was a flavorful foam, it brought a lushness to the plate." They all seemed to have liked the other two offerings as well. Looks like Team Shrimp will be the winners.
Going to the back and giving a gentle, sad smile, Padma says they'd like to see Team Shrimp. Plaudits all around but the judges decided -- not unanimously, because all three dishes were so strong, Colicchio feels the need to point out -- that Lia's olive oil-poached shrimp was the best of the three. Barton G. announces that Lia will be rewarded for her efforts with…MORE WORK! She gets to be the guest chef at a charity event he's hosting in the Hamptons! "Hey, Lia, you just won the Elimination Challenge, what are you going to do now?" "I'm gonna cook for RICH PEOPLE IN WHITE PANTSUITS!" Lia tells us she is happy to get the prize and everything, but she was most pleased with Colicchio complimenting her knifework and specifically telling her that he loved her dish. Once again, Brian (MALARKEY!) gets away with a seafood dish. This time, however, Colicchio doesn't comment on that fact.
In the back, Lia tells Team Tuna and Team Pineapple that their presence is requested at the Judges' Table. Starting with Team Pineapple, Colicchio says they are there because the "desserts were all pretty bad." Dale defends their decision to do a dessert course because not doing one, he thinks, would have made them look inexperienced. Creelingly, Padma wants to know who suggested pineapple. Dale cops to being the one to suggest "something tropical." "You jumped on a big sword with that decision," Ted Allen says. Aside from pineapple having enzymatic difficulties with stabilized desserts, what is the problem with that choice exactly? Is it too acidic on the palate? Is it hard to pair with other flavors? I'm confused by the whole "Pineapple is culinary DEATH!" tone here. Barton G. calls their attempt a "hodgepodge" and says, "The flavors weren't there, the TEXTURES weren't there…" You know, Barton G. looks too well-preserved to me -- his hair seems dyed and his face looks like it's been smoothed with glycolic acids. The kind of glycolic acids typically found in PINEAPPLES! Maybe that's the problem! Barton G. equates pineapple with his weekly age-fighting facials! Note to cheftestants: stay away from papaya, too. Sara M. explains that she thought she could pull if off, but then she ran into the Top Chef albatross that is powdered gelatin. "So, why would you chance something?" Barton G. asks. "Because I'm a chef and if you try to be a good chef, you always know you're gonna to chance." "You don't chance to an audience who is going to make or break you," Padma zings. Colicchio points out how silent Camille has been. That's her natural state, Colicchio, didn't you know? Camille sort of stumbles and stutters her way through some explanation of something. She thought the texture of her cake was "fine." "It was rubbery and it wasn't very good," Colicchio contradicts. Camille explains that her original product, one she was quite happy with, was more like a muffin. Colicchio says, "It's not made with corn cake, it's made with a genoise," and then repeats FOR THE SIXTIETH TIME that he doesn't get why they did something they weren't familiar with.
Leaving Team Pineapple alone for the moment, they turn to grill Team Tuna. Howie and Joey From New York re-express their opinions about their individual dishes and once again Bravo has transposed the images. Howie was not totally happy with his dish, but Joey was happy with what he did. Colicchio says the real reason the team is there is because Casey's dish was "really weak" and he wants to know if Casey gave it her all. Stone-faced, Casey says automatically, "I put forth a great effort in this dish." Padma asks if she tasted her own dish. Casey cops to the fact that her dish was under-seasoned and cites the lack of sufficient soy sauce as the cause. However, she doesn't blame anyone except herself for not remembering to add more salt. Howie and Joey From New York reveal that they didn't taste the dish until after it was served. "But she's got IMMUNITY," Padma says, getting a bit stonedly stroppy, "Why wouldn't you TASTE her dish before it went out?" Howie knows he shouldn't have trusted Casey and admits he clearly made an error in judgment. "A drastic error," Padma corrects him. Casey's eyes are filled with tears now and she does that side lip biting thing to keep it from trembling dangerously. Casey finally says, "I just WANT to say, you guys have laid SUCH a GUILT blanket that I can't really explain what I feel for these people right now. Because having Immunity? Is really not worth it in a sense of one of these people have to go home because MY dish was the worst." Drama, drama, drama! Padma sends them away. As they walk out, Colicchio shakes his head in irritation. I just noticed Sara M. is wearing a sarong instead of chef pants -- does she always do that?
In the back, Casey flings herself into a chair and someone with a hairy arm rubs her shoulder. "So, uh…nothing?" CJ asks. "It would be me! If there was anyone to go home, it would be me!" Casey announces with insufficiently suppressed sobs. CJ squinches up his nose and asks if Casey is all right. "They AB-so-lutely HATED it! And I'm so sorry, guys. It was so fucking retarded, so stupid," Casey snivels. Howie pats her arm and Joey kisses her hand. In the scene, Lia is crouched to Casey's chair with one arm around her back and the other holding Casey's hand. Tears pour down Casey's face as someone -- a guy, maybe Joey? -- tells her soothingly to relax. Okay, I know I should feel sorry for her because she's not actually feeling sorry for herself and is instead feeling awful for what she might have done to her teammates, but the cut from Casey Drama to even more Casey Drama is just too overdone and funny that I have to laugh.
The judges discuss stuff. Barton G. thought Howie's marmalade overpowered the tuna, and Colicchio can't believe Team Tuna didn't taste each other's dishes. Tasting each other's dishes is such a thing with him. However, part of Colicchio just wants to send Dale home for even suggesting they do dessert. I have to wonder how hard they'd be grilling Team Fourth Course for being such chicken shits if they DIDN'T do dessert. Moving onto Camille, Ted Allen says, "Why would you want cornmeal to make pineapple upside down cake?" Ask Alton Brown. If he says it works, it works, so might I suggest that Barton G. take his "it's Baking 101" and shove it where the pineapple don't exfoliate? They repeat the comment that Sara M. just made frozen cream, and Barton G. adds that by the time the dish reached them it wasn't even frozen any longer. Hm, I didn't see that aspect of it. Colicchio "And see the whole, 'I couldn't get the right gelatin,' please. Read the box." Colicchio, you had an entire year to prepare that response, so please. Get some appropriate gelatin already. But that's not even the issue because even if Sara M. had her sheet gelatin, that shit never would have gelled properly.
The cheftestants (sans Casey) are brought back to the judges and Colicchio labors on some sort of musical metaphor for why they all sucked, but finally Padma puts us all out of our misery by telling Camille to pack it up. Camille tells us smilingly that she is sad to leave but she's also anxious to get back to New York and see how the restaurant's doing. She slurs "restaurant" a bit, and I wonder if she and Padma went in on a bag together. In the back, Camille announces that she's leaving. Casey dramatically grabs at her mouth in consternation and then clasps her hands together. While Sara M. cries quietly behind her, Camille makes a shaky speech about how brilliantly talented her fellow cheftestants are and tells them all to "Rock. Hard." Tre looks unbelievably bored. The cheftestants go up to get their hugs from Camille, and Joey From New York's face is all big and red and tearful. AWWWW! CJ lifts Camille high off the ground in a fairly cheerful one-armed hug. Dale's face is as red and teary as Joey's and he tells us how guilty he feels and that he thinks it's his fault Camille is gone. Camille is happy she took the risk, she learned a lot and to her, that's what cooking is all about. She's so Zen it's almost contagious.
Comments