By Keckler
Tonight, we start to see signs of Hung getting the asshole edit. He grabs at his seafood too quickly and (for some) greedily, he leaves a flailing crawfish on the floor to suffocate, and he might have been complicit in another Ovengate. However, his food slides him right under the radar in both the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenge, so there's not much more to say about him tonight. Other than the fact that he may or may not own a monkey.
An oddly-designed "go fish" Quickfire involves the cheftestants digging around a large aquarium in the kitchen and hauling out cockles, scallops, crawfish, and conch. After thirty minutes, Brian (MALARKEY!) clinches the win and Immunity with his "Three Rivers" dish. What the three rivers are, or why rivers are involved with saltwater seafood like mussels, scallops, and clams, we never find out. Classic crazy-pants MALARKEY!
Alfred Portale -- the guy who beat out both Tom Colicchio and Hubert Keller for last year's James Beard Outstanding Chef of the Nation -- is on hand with Ted Allen as the guest judge.
The Elimination Theme was to update classic American family dishes -- think fried chicken, tuna casserole, and the Brady Bunch-ian pork chops and applesauce -- and make them low in cholesterol. It should be noted that unlike last year's Camp Glucoyapi episode, there was no one on hand to measure or otherwise assess cholesterol content, which is why Brian (MALARKEY!) created a stuffed cabbage dish with lobster and got dinged by the judges for using a high-cholesterol protein. Lucky for him, he had immunity.
Although I did harbor fears that poor Howie had definite strains of the loser music playing him right out of this show tonight, he creates a light and delicious version of pork chops and applesauce that enchants the judges and nets him the win.
Two of the bottom four, Sara M. and Micah, who are not even American (supposedly), could not hope to really understand just what Chicken a la King and meatloaf and mashed potatoes are. Hell, I don't know if I even know what Chicken a la King is. Something gloppy and beige with chicken? I know I've never eaten it.
Oh, and did you see that I said "supposedly" up there? Yeah, well, that's because recent evidence (of the old yearbook variety) has come to light that when Micah appears to dismiss meatloaf and mashed potatoes as an American dish that she, as a South African, doesn't quite understand, she seems to be forgetting that she grew up -- at least junior high and high school years -- in Bridgewater, MA. Which raises the question: just how far under the T do you have to be living not to eat, see, or even encounter some form of the Mother's Meatloaf that manages to be both the bane and savior of American culinary existence?
Karma might be a bitch, but it looks like this time she was right on target when she sent Micah packing her knives and sobbing her way home at the end of this episode.
Balsamic Mary2 ounces Hangar One Kaffir Lime Vodka (or vodka of your choice)
1 lb ripe Heirloom tomatoes
1 pinch celery salt
1 pinch Kosher salt
1/4 freshly ground black pepper
3 dashes Chipotle Tabasco Sauce
2 dashes Worcestershire Sauce
1 tablespoon lemon juice
2 teaspoons grated fresh horseradish
1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
3 boccaccini mozzarella balls, for garnish
Celery stalk, for garnishThe Shake:
Pierce the bottoms of each tomato with an "X" and bring a large amount of water to a boil. Toss the tomatoes in and leave them for thirty seconds. Pull the tomatoes out and shock them in a large bowl of ice water. Peel off the skins, cut out the stem, and cut the tomatoes into chunks. Puree the tomatoes in a blender and measure out six ounces. It's up to you if you want to strain the six ounces or not. It doesn't change the flavor, just the thickness of the end result. Store the rest of the juice in the fridge in an airtight container.
Combine all ingredients except the garnishes in a cocktail shaker with ice and stir. Fill a 16-oz glass halfway with ice and strain cocktail into glass. Garnish with three toothpick-speared boccaccini balls and the celery stalk.
If you can find it, you might want to use the newest in celery cocktail garnishes: the edible straw. The hollow celery -- a horticultural mash-up of ordinary celery and a wild hollow strain -- is called Dandy in the produce section of your nearest grocery store.
Now, the lycopene in tomatoes is supposed to lower cholesterol, but if that's not a problem for you, use a garnish unique to Bloody Marys in Minnesota: a Slim Jim.
To make this virgin, replace the vodka with the same amount of fresh squeezed lime juice.
Makes 1 drink.
The day after Sandee's departure, we see a scribbled note from her telling everyone how much they rock. Lia tells us that with Sandee's departure, they are all realizing how intense this is going to get. Dude, she's only the second one to leave. Camille disappears into a bathroom, closing a bra-draped door behind her. Part of me thinks, "Yeah, okay, I do that," but then the other part of me -- the GE/Kenmore conspiracy theorist -- wonders if the producers walked around placing things just so being all, "No, but see this is how people live. This bra here will make the shot look natural and lived in." Joey From New York and Howie both note that they "had words," but they're moving on. Micah -- whose accent got totally bizarre in this particular scene, and I wasn't even analyzing it for any Mass reason at this point -- tells us how she moved her business from Italy to South Africa with only her suitcase and her daughter and thinks highly of herself for it.
Padma introduces their guest chef judge -- there's got to be a ridiculous non-word I can make out of that: gudge? Juest? Chest? -- as Alfred Portale, the James Beard Award winner who beat out both Tom Colicchio and Hubert Keller for last year's James Beard Outstanding Chef of the Nation. He's small and intense looking with a small and intensely cultivated soul patch, carefully smoothed hair, and a tightly tailored shirt. "His face is very trapezoidal," the Evil Dr. Mathra notes. When Portale talks, I don't think "chef," I think "detention-happy principal whose name is probably something like McGreevy." Managing to flip a bit in the water, Padma pulls the Top Chef-emblazoned sheet off an aquarium filled chock-a-block with seafood. Hung is psyched, as is Brian (MALARKEY!) who notes, "I'm a seafood chef -- I mean, this is my perfect challenge." I'm a seefood chef, too -- BLAAAAAAH! I guess that doesn't work so well in writing. Brian (MALARKY!) goes on, "If I can't win this one, my employers will fire me, my whole world might dissolve." Wow, that thirteen-restaurant Oceanaire chain is strict. Not to mention all powerful.
Hung is the first to fish the tank, and he Tasmanian Devils his way out of the shot for a moment. He comes back in dragging a milk crate to stand on. I know all the cheftestants -- save CJ, of course -- probably need that milk crate, but I still thought it was funny that Hung was the one to bring it over. Meanwhile, I can't keep my eyes off of how awkwardly Portale is standing. He's shoulders are totally hunched and his knees are bent and he looks like he's doing his level best not to drag his knuckles across the floor. Hung snatches a small green net from Padma and digs sloppily around in the tank. Dale tells us that everyone was dismayed that Hung went first because he was very "aggressive" about how he got out his shellfish. But if you need to root around for various types, how else are you supposed to do it? Delicately with no splashes? "Jesus, Hung, save some for the rest us," Sara N. comments flatly. The complete monotone of her line delivery makes me wonder if she said it -- jokingly? angrily? -- earlier, but because the cameras weren't on her at the time, they made her do it again. Lia tells us that she wasn't worried they would run out of shellfish. Seriously, people. Stop being so fricking precious. Damn, I clearly spoke too soon because as Hung dumps his catch in a bowl -- not even overfilling it as much as others did -- a crawfish flops to the floor. All the cheftestants -- the ones who will be KILLING brothers and sisters of said crawfish in a manner of minutes and not by the "humane" method of putting them in a pot of boiling water, but in the chef method of dismembering the crustacean while it is still alive and kicking and wriggling -- moan, "AWWWW!" Because falling to the floor hurts an exoskeleton way more than a sharp knife. "One of the poor crawfish falls awry. Down below," CJ tell us. Okay, I love that CJ said "awry," but still, sack your uniball up and get over the "poor" crawfish, CJ! For my part, I was more concerned that Hung was going to crush the "poor" crawfish under his foot as he jumped down, but he didn't, so everyone needs to calm down. However, Lia is annoyed that he didn't pick it up, because he's not cleaning up after himself. Well, that is a fair criticism. Hung just starts pulling apart his scallops as Micah is the to go fishing. She tells us that she used to live in the Bahamas, so she was looking forward to working with conch because it's not something a lot of people are familiar with. The first time I had conch was at Chez Henri in Cambridge, MA. Oh, man. They were deep fried and served with a lemon-chile aioli. Everyone else fishes and not much of note happens except for Tre complaining about not getting enough shellfish because his net broke on him. I'm not sure of the rules here, but when Hung darted over so frenetically, I assumed they had a limited time to fish. However, everyone else seemed to saunter fairly casually to the tank, so maybe that wasn't the case. Then, Tre's complaint makes me think they were only allowed one scoop/pass in the tank, otherwise, broken net or not, he should have been able to go back in and net more shellfish.
Padma gives them thirty minutes to create an "incredible shellfish dish." Food Flurry. We see many shots of people using a corkscrewy tool to wrest the conch meat from his cozy shell. Dale tells us, "I don't really have time to dick around with a conch." I swear I thought he said, "I don't really have time to dick around with a cock," which would seem rather redundant. Micah, who already told us she was looking forward to working with conch, is having serious problems with it. She bangs it with the flat of a saucepan, rather dangerously jams some metal scissors in it and tries to hammer the scissors with the saucepan, and finally attempts the conch-screw, which is absolutely not in the Karma Sutra. Sara N. tells us Micah has been inconsistent throughout the competition. Howie, a HUGE droplet of sweat slinking off the tip of his nose ONTO his food prep, tells us he's doing ceviche. Brian (MALARKEY!) is keeping it simple for once and just doing a butter, garlic, and wine preparation. Hung, making a "whoop-whoop-whoop" noise I haven't heard since the dance scene in Sixteen Candles, runs over to his skillet, and then shuns the white wine idea to us saying, "Yeah, it's simple, but my monkey could do that." You have a monkey? Does he come to work with you? Is his name Marcel? Time ticks down and Howie's nose-sweat continues to bedew his raw, uncooked, not-feeling-the-heat-of-anything-except-his-sweaty-body food. Padma calls time.
Howie admits to us that he ran out of time -- Howie, HOW did you run out of time with a RAW preparation? I despair. -- and didn't have time to retaste his dish. This does not sound good at all. Starting with CJ's pan-roasted "fruits de mer," shaved cauliflower, saffron-paprika vinaigrette, prosciutto, and dried black olives, Portale tastes and notes, "It's good flavor" without seeming to make eye contact with CJ at all. Casey also uses cauliflower in her "fresh" linguine with scallops, mussels, cockles, and cilantro bread with truffle butter. Two questions: I highly doubt she made the pasta "fresh" herself, so is the Lee Anne Kitchen stocking that instead of dried? Because that's great. Also, what's with the cilantro bread? Again, I'm sure she didn't make it and bake cilantro into it, and normally, I would assume "cilantro bread" might mean that she made a cilantro butter, but she made a truffle butter, so how? PLEASE EXPLAIN THESE THINGS! Portale asks if Casey used conch in her dish. She didn't. "Yes," Portale minces precisely, "You were smart." I just can't shake the feeling that this guy lives in an all white apartment where no one is allowed to touch anything.
Tre poached shellfish in fish stock and is serving them with a grilled leek compote and a big pile of butter and chive oil-saturated summer corn. Portale samples Sara N.'s thing -- we don't know exactly what it is, but it's minced, creamy, and served in a scallop shell with tiny green scallion rings -- and says, "Nice." Micah tells Portale that she's serving him conch salad ceviche with sour orange, and on the side, she has "sky juice," which is, she explains, a traditional Bahamian drink. Portale sips some out of a spoon and says, "It's an acquired taste." I looked around for this recipe and all I could come up with was something involving gin and coconut milk. "Acquired taste" indeed, my stomach is curdling as we speak. Padma and Portale clink their big glasses of white wine Brian (MALARKEY!) is serving with his "tres rios, three rivers" dish. I'm sort of scared to ask what the three rivers refer to because it might make him break into song: "In the middle of the day/I go tripping in my brain/From the waters of the bay/To the rivers so insane/I must be crazy or something/Cooking weird and bizarre/But the river is wide/And I got sausage to char!" Brian (MALARKEY!) has a bowl of mussels, clams, and crawfish seasoned with white wine, Pernod, and butter, is oysters on the half shell with a traditional red wine mignonette, and finally, conch toast. I don't know what is on the conch toast or if the "bread" is actually conch, but whatever it is, it's been spread with something green. Maybe it's conch pesto? That could be tasty.
Lia prepared raw bay scallops with dried fig (Bravo would like you to know that they think it's "dry fig") and lemon zest, steamed cockle with tomato water, and nicely curled capellini pasta with crayfish and crayfish butter. I'd like Bravo to make up their mind if they want to go with "crawfish" or "crayfish." With Brian (MALARKEY!) it was "crawfish," but with Lia, Sara M. and Howie it was "crayfish." They're both correct, but for goodness sake, pick an editorial style and stick to it, freakazoids. Like Brian (MALARKEY!), Sara M. also did a trio. She has cornmeal-crusted conch with citrus butter and scallions. That's what she tells us. That's ALL she tells us. The Bravo Graphics says "cornmeal crusted conch with citrus butter mango & cilantro mignonette." To whom does the mango and cilantro mignonette belong? Because I know it's not to the conch fritters as the chyron implies -- no, see, they're off to the side, being fried and tasty on their own. Could it be the oysters we see on the side? The oysters that would usually have a mignonette and who also have tiny precise dice of something yellow that is probably mango? Mayhaps. But for all we know, the mango and cilantro mignonette belongs to that other dish that is neither Bravo Graphic'd or explained by Sara M. That dish is a bowl of shellfish with a round of bread sticking out; it might be bouillabaisse or something else soupy. Bravo prefers that we will never know. Portale likes her flavors, says the dish is a bit salty, but he still likes it.
Camille -- who is she again? -- has crayfish and mussels in a hibiscus sauce and crusted her mussels with tarragon. Portale says he's curious about her flavor combinations. Camille explains that she likes to work with teas as flavoring. Hyper Hung says he's whipped up an East-West curry dish using mussels and the heads and bellies of scallops. I'm starting to wonder if Hung's just as loony as Brian (MALARKEY!), because scallops don't really have individual heads or bellies. In fact, I don't think they have heads at all. Their stomach and heart are separate from the adductor muscle -- the big, soft, white round part that is usually eaten -- but I'm pretty sure there's nothing there that would be called a head. Hung also has a contentious crunchy crouton on the side of his curry. Hyper Hung invites Portale to "dip the bread and enjoy." Portale says, "I'm not fond of the proportion of bread. Maybe one -- or maybe if they were smaller." Oh, please, they aren't that big if you are using them to sop up the curry and, in fact, I was thinking that maybe you would need a few more to completely finish the dish. Then again, I am a carbivore. Hyper Hung tells us, "I am a hundred percent happy with my dish -- Alfred Portale, masterchef of the WORLD, thinks that the croutons are too big. Obviously he didn't understand the concept." Okay, so while Hung's mouth is blathering hysterically, his ego is doing a little Attitude Dance in his chair. It's really quite awesome to behold. Dale made a dish that has spicy Italian sausage, scallops, tomato sauce, and a fried egg. Finally, we get to the sweat-cured ceviche. There's not much to say except that Howie used scallops, conch, crayfish, and stuck in some folded fried plantains and greens to dress it up. After being fed a bite by Padma, Portale announces, "This is very tasty. This seemed like a pretty obvious choice to me, I mean, doing a ceviche with these flavors." Is that good or bad?
Results. Portale was not impressed by Micah's dish and says her conch salad wasn't very conch-y and it needed heat and seasoning. Camille's tea flavoring was overpowering, and Tre's proportions were off -- too much corn, not enough shellfish. His loves were Howie's ceviche, Brian (MALARKEY)'s three rivers of dreams, and CJ's. Portale admits that when he looked at CJ's dish, he didn't think he was going to like it -- CJ smiles and shrugs at this -- but he did like it. I think that one droplet of sauce that wasn't perfectly round upset him a bit. Portale was most impressed by Brian (MALARKEY)'s thoughtful and well-prepared dish, so he wins it. Howie tells us he's content with being an honorable mention at this point.
For the Elimination Challenge, Padma says they are going from something "very, very fresh" to something "a bit more stale." With Portale's help, Padma wheels out two tables laden with scrumptious fare like stuffed cabbage, chicken 'n' dumplings (the 'n' is an integral part of the cooking process, believe me), and well-beloved meatloaf and mashed potatoes. The cheftestants will be cooking for the Miami Elks Club Lodge, and their challenge is to take these stellar examples of "classic" American family fare and update them, transforming them into "modern, low-cholesterol meals." (Read: make them edible and not heart attacky.) Going in reverse order from how they fished, the cheftestants pick their plates. As in, Hung will not be running around dropping franks and pissing people off.
None of the cheftestants are thrilled by this challenge. Lia notes that she's not used to creating low-fat, healthy food, and Hung says that a family classic for him would be steamed fish, rice, and vegetables not "fried chicken and creamy and buttery things." He adds, "All those dishes look disgusting to me." I don't know if it's just him or the way he says things, but he totally cracks me up whenever he gets exercised over anything. He can't sit still. Here's a quick rundown: Casey chooses Sloppy Joes (which Bravo Graphics spells as "Sloppy Joe's" because there's some sort of possession going on, apparently) and Tater Tots; CJ grabs nasty-looking tuna casserole; Lia takes franks 'n' beans; Howie channels his inner Peter Brady and snatches pork chops and applesauce; Micah muses over her choices and reminds us "I'm from South Africa," which, she claims, means she's never eaten fried chicken, doesn't know what Chicken à la King is, and grabs meatloaf. "My reaction to American comfort food," Micah tells us: "Bleh!" Interesting. That's also been America's reaction to you. Camille loves tacos and chooses them; Dale selects chicken 'n' some flat-ass dumplings that cannot help but be improved upon; Brian (MALARKEY!) nabs stuffed cabbage, which he will be sure to clog up with something bughouse; Sara M. braves the Chicken à la King, and Hung ends up with fried chicken and macaroni and cheese. Padma gives them thirty minutes and seventy-five dollars to shop. Micah tells us that she's thinking meatloaf and mashed potatoes shouldn't be too hard to improve upon. Given that so many cultures, not including American, have renditions on this dish, I would be inclined to agree that any experienced chef should be able to handle this.
The cheftestants shop. Brian chooses decidedly cholesterol-packed lobster tail for his cabbage wrap, and CJ hopes that the cheftestants using cheese in their dishes get smacked for using such a high-cholesterol ingredient. Do you think they're trying to make CJ out to be a narc? Although, he's not the only one to be solicited for comment, because Micah also notes the high-cholesterol lobster. Dale, who has Russian-Lithuanian blood, is going to embrace his dumpling heritage in his chicken 'n' dish. He grabs rotisserie chicken and some instant mashed potatoes. Okay, because I've seen the full episode, it's really hard for me to be unbiased here. Compared with the genuine article, instant potatoes are revolting. I was forced to eat them at a friend's house when I was a kid and they tasted just like the box they came out of. However, Dale will not be turning them into a side dish, he's dumpling-izing them, so fine. Have at it. I can see how boiling potatoes and then drying them to make a dumpling dough would be time consuming. The prepared chicken is a bit of a cheat, though, and that combined with the boxed potatoes is again treading far too close to Semi-Homemade territory for my stomach comfort. Dale claims to be buying the rotisserie chicken for his dumpling filling -- it's confusing later when we see him using a whole, uncooked chicken to make broth -- and the box is to save him a "huge" amount of time. CJ complains to us that it's bullshit for Dale to buy those two items, "He's too good a cook to be doing this -- what are you doing Dale?" It's almost as if he's irritated not that Dale is really breaking any rules -- because if he is, he will be discovered -- but more that Dale is compromising his own talents with these shortcuts and could get kicked off for it. I don't know -- I just don't see CJ as malicious.
Back in the kitchen, the cheftestants have an hour to prep and cook. We get a THESE ARE BOXED POTATOES OMIGOD HE'S USING BOXED POTATOES close-up of the instant potatoes, and Dale tells us that while potatoes -- of any shape and non-flavor -- are carb-heavy, they are cholesterol free. Here we see him pull a full un-rotisseried, herb-draped chicken out of a stockpot. He prods at the breast meat to check for doneness and lowers it back into the pot. Food Flurry. Hung tells us that he's saving fat and cholesterol by marinating the chicken in low-fat yogurt instead of buttermilk. Okay, but I'm pretty sure that buttermilk is actually low-fat…? Lia, who's on franks 'n' beans duty, thinks her dish will be liked by the Elks and notes how easy it is to prepare. Well, sure, you bought chicken sausages from the butcher -- you won't have to do much.
Ah, the promised hot tub scene that has been promo'd up the wazoo! I was all prepared to get on my television high horse and talk at length about how no hot tub scene in a reality show has ever ended classily, but I was thwarted! Routed! Stymied! Not only did nothing skeezy happen, but we also didn't get the promised scenes of watching what happens to breast implants when they interact with water! In those misleading and Lying Liars Who Lie promos, Casey was poaching her own boobs! And while we're on the subject of Lying Liars Who Lie promos, normally, I don't like to analyze cuts and syncs too much on this show because we're not naïve, we know how reality shows work, how things are faked, etc. But the Evil Dr. Mathra is seriously freaking out about some Micah Is a Potential Bitch scenes that we never got. There's one promo that shows CJ saying, "Micah is really starting to get on my nerves" and another of Micah looking down at a countertop in the apartment and saying, "Things I would never have in my kitchen." What gives, Bravo? Maybe time should be built in so that the promos are made after the show's been edited.
The day, the cheftestants prepare their dishes at the Elks Club kitchen, and Colicchio sneaks through the narrow space to perform an abbreviated Sniff 'n' Sneer. When he learns that Camille has decided to fill her tacos with tuna and grilled beef, Colicchio notes, "So, it's a pretty literal translation then." Okay, I get the beef, but how is a tuna taco -- get your mind OUT of the gutter and back in the kitchen, people! -- a "literal translation"? Because if we're thinking fish tacos -- STOP GIGGLING -- we're really talking about battered cod or tilapia or some other white fish, not tuna. The tuna is a reimagining of this dish. I'm sure Colicchio has seen his fair share of tuna tacos -- now REALLY, this is getting RIDICULOUS! -- but those renditions are not what were presented to the group as an Elkish classic comfort family favorite whatever food. CJ's tuna casserole is going to stay creamy using fat-free Greek yogurt, and the crunchy casserole crust, which in my Midwestern hot dish family came from smashed Ritz crackers, will be represented by a tuile composed of cholesterol-lowering flax seeds. If CJ doesn't win Top Chef maybe he can get work as playing Mr. Homn's son in a future incarnation of Star Trek Mr. Homn drank prodigiously, his son could cook and eat prodigiously. Dale is upfront and honest with Colicchio about making his dumplings out of boxed mashed potatoes, arguing, "When you have one hour, you gotta do what you gotta do." Colicchio reports back to the cameras that he's surprised -- unhappily, we assume -- that so many of the cheftestants seem to be taking a literal approach to their dishes. They aren't getting creative enough with their reinterpretation. But you don't want to scare the old people. I mean, if they're expecting franks 'n' beans and you give them a sausage gelee with bean foam, they might keel over.
The Elks and their families file into the dining room as the cheftestants continue to cook and prepare their dishes. Sara M. explains that she wasn't going to cook her Chicken à la King in cream, so she was skewering and grilling the meat. We see her go to the convection oven with Howie and she asks someone to turn the oven up to 300°. Okay, her back is to us, so we can't actually see that she's calling out that command at that particular time. She could have shouted it at someone -- Hung, whomever -- earlier and they spliced it in. There's just no certainty about that particular aspect of Ovengate, Part the Second: The Reheatening. Sara M. then announces -- at a later date we're told -- "I need to check on my chicken." The camera follows her to the chicken because somehow it knew what she would find. Or, given that there's a whole unlit range with empty skillets, this is a retake to illustrate what the cameras didn't originally capture. In such a small kitchen, I really doubt the range would be off and the skillets clean if the cheftestants were still cooking for the challenge. At any rate, Howie is back at the convection oven with Sara M., and she notes that the oven isn't very hot. Sara M. tells us, "Apparently, the oven was on cool-down." Sara M. curses as she and Howie move her chicken to the lower oven. As Sara M. again announces that someone turned the oven to cool-down, we have shots of Hung and his perfectly cooked chicken. "I roasted my chicken, they were done, I turned it off. Sara should have checked to see if it was on," Hung tells us. Well, sure, but there's absolutely no reason why Sara M. would think, in a professional kitchen full of trained restaurant chefs, that an oven would ever be turned completely off when service was still going on. That just doesn't happen. Hung never would turn an oven completely off at Guy Savoy just because he himself was done with something. Never. Sara M. asks Hung if he turned the oven to cool-down when he turned it off. "I didn't turn anything," Hung lies. But you turned it OFF, that's turning SOMETHING. Hung, I don't think you have a chicken leg to stand on here. That was a dickish move, and one completely unworthy of you. At this point, we have seen nothing that shows you have anything to fear from Sara M. in this competition, so why engage in sabotage or complete and utter thoughtlessness? When Sara M. explains to Tre, who is helping her plate her dish, that the oven was on cool-down, he leans forward to get a closer look (or sniff) at the chicken. With all this hullabaloo, you'd think her chicken was going to be denounced by the judges as undercooked, right? Wrong. This is the extent of the drama and nothing more comes of it.
CJ tells us that his sauce broke and the only way to bring a sauce back is to add fat, something they aren't allowed to do. He plates his tuna casserole in rings and notes that it made a "big, muddy, gross mess." True dat. "I hate my dish," he tells Hung, and we see a flaky chunk of cooked tuna fall pathetically off the stack. Ugh -- the whole thing has the shape of something he just schllloomped out of a Friskies can. It doesn't help that the tuna on top looks like something that would drive my cats wild with delight.
Okay, we are about to see what ended up being my favorite part of this whole episode. The expressions on the judges' faces -- mainly Colicchio's and Padma's -- were PRICELESS! Most of these dishes ended up being nasty piles of catastrophe, and you can watch them both have obvious reactions as soon as the plates were set down in front of them. CJ walks out into the dining room and greets the judges, "Hello chefs and Padma!" Should that have made me crack up as much as it did? That Ted Allen is considered at chef and Padma isn't? Poor Padma. She doesn't seem too put out by it though. She's probably high. CJ made his tuna casserole with whole wheat pasta, yogurt, and that previously-mentioned flax seed and black sesame seed tuile. There are green beans in there, too, and a greenish sauce that looks like what happens in diapers after a full jar of strained spinach has been consumed. As Padma starts to tentatively prod at the dish -- thinking she'd prefer a dish of her fried toe right about now -- Colicchio gazes at it, like he just can't bring himself to taste it. It really does look unappealing. CJ himself said it best when he called is a "big, muddy, gross, mess." Padma notes, "It tastes like health food." "It's very grassy, greeny," Ted Allen agrees. "And mushy…" Padma adds. Colicchio thinks it's an idea that "went south." Yes, south of Disgusting with a stopover at Fairly Vile before arriving at Generally Quite Repellent.
Sara M. is still drama clubbing over her chicken. She brings out her dish, and speaking of disgusting -- her pool of grey-brown mushroom sauce with those red and yellow chunks looks like a stream of sick. Like what might happen if you ate raw chicken. Which this isn't. Apparently. Colicchio furrows at it confusedly, and Padma squints out a "The hell?" look at her fellow judges. Classic. Sara M. explains that with her Chicken à la King, she marinated the chicken overnight before grilling it, the puree of mushroom sauce is on the side, as is a pile of couscous (instead of rice), and a watercress salad. Her dish doesn't remind any of the judges of Chicken à la King.
Lia brings out her franks 'n' beans. Her grilled chicken sausage is draped oddly over her "beans" (which are actually insanely-good-for-you lentils) and she has a small glass of Guinness to accompany all of it. Earlier she explained that her store-bought chicken sausage was made with beer, so the Guinness was to reflect that. What she doesn't ever say is that recent studies have shown that beer may lower cholesterol, so either that was another reason for the Guinness or it was just a lucky stumble. The judges don't note that aspect of her dish, however, so it's just me telling you about it. You're welcome! Lia also plated a small pile of picked onions and some red things that, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what they were and just decided to call them Kirk's Food Cubes. Later, the judges reveal them to be watermelon chunks. When Padma asks her, Lia admits that she didn't make the sausage herself. Lia tells us she's proud of her dish and thinks "a large segment" of America would like it. Meanwhile, this segment is not thrilled. One elderly Elk says, "I don't like it, you know, I just…hesitate." The judges don't like it either. In the back, CJ tells Lia that her lentils are a little underdone. "Well, I wanted them to stay a little -- do you think they're too al dente?" Lia asks. He does. Lia sighs heavily, "I wanted everything to have, like, a texture, you know?" CJ nods, "It does." Hee. Portale notes that Lia had two hours to cook lentils and sausage and she didn't even cook the lentils properly. Colicchio agrees that the lentils are undercooked. "Undercooked," Padma parrots.
Ted Allen has just said that they are in need of "some serious wow," when Dale comes out with his supposedly rotisserie chicken 'n' instant mashed potato dumplings. The music kicks happily up. Dale explains his dish of delicate chicken-stuffed potato dumplings that he's serving with broccoli, horseradish, and celery root. He calls them "virtiniai," a Lithuanian pierogi. The dumplings are piled in a saucy broth and there are slivered almonds strewn about the dish. Again, this goes unsaid, but almonds are supposed to lower cholesterol as well. The Elks love it, as do the judges. Ted Allen particularly likes how Dale seared the exterior of the dumplings.
Hung struts out toting his take on fried chicken with macaroni and cheese. He launches into his animated explanation of his yogurt-marinated chicken, which we already know was roasted in an oven that he then turned off, "I know that you probably miss the crunch from the skin, so I took the skin, scraped off all the fat, rendered all the fat in the oven, and now you have transparent chip of skin." Sure enough, there's this little crispy triangle sticking out of the piece of chicken. You can tell Hung thinks this is the most awesome brain wave. Colicchio blinks bemusedly at it. During Hung's entire performance, Howie has been standing patiently behind him, waiting to distribute the rest of Hung's dishes, looking completely bored. "Certainly not like grandma's fried chicken," one Elkess says. "On the other hand, grandma's fried chicken will KILL you," another Elkess finishes for her. Hee. Elks with a sense of humor. Sara N. is with her take on fish and chips. I never thought of fish and chips as an American comfort food; it's more British than anything. Also, weren't they supposed to be fish sticks? Sara N. topped some snapper with panko and is serving it with currants, lentils, and roasted beets. So, what's the "chips" replacement? This is just a fish dish. One Elk is shown enjoying it, but we get naught from the judges.
And here's the money scene: Micah is trotting out with her stacked fat cylinder of meatloaf and mashed potatoes. The round of meatloaf is topped by a frosting-like spread of mashed potatoes, and as Micah sets it down, Colicchio -- his hands over his mouth to hide the gawping grin of incredulity that such an object has assailed his sight, I assume -- flares his eyes goofily. There is no doubt, he is laughing here and it cracks me up to see it. I wonder if -- with all the expressions he slaps on in this episode -- Colicchio isn't beginning to grow on me a tad. Micah's meatloaf is supposed to be Italian in some undisclosed way and she used 95% lean ground sirloin, "to take out all the cholesterol" and the "smashed" potatoes have garlic in them. People, can we stop saying "smashed potatoes"? It stopped being cute and clever about five years ago and means the exact same thing as mashed, so just stop it. Finally, the phrase that bent everyone all out of shape, "I know that Americans like to put ketchup on, so instead we did a roasted tomato, red, and yellow pepper sauce -- it's underneath."
Micah leaves and Portale leaps in with, "I don't like the way she said 'us Americans.'" Okay, but she didn't say "you Americans." Her tone might have been dismissive, sure. Although, it did seem gently dismissive, so maybe Portale should look into seeing a dermatologist -- a chef of his stature should have a thicker skin. Ted Allen agrees with Portale, because to disagree with the Outstanding Chef of the Country would be career suicide for him, and Portale goes on that he detected a bit of an attitude. Portale pretends to quote Micah, "I know you like to put ketchup on it." "You know, every time he opens his mouth in this scene, he just seems to add something that wasn't even there in the first place. He now needs to get up and do a little attitude dance: 'Look at meee! I'm an American South African who disdains putting ketchup on meeeeatloaf!'" the Evil Dr. Mathra blusters, favoring us with his rendition of Portale imitating Micah's attitude in an interpretive "attitude dance." It's time for his nap. Colicchio just smiles through Portale, Ted Allen, and the Evil Dr. Mathra and doesn't say anything about Micah's perceived attitude. Looking at the food, he just notes, "It's terrible." "It's terrible," Padma parrots. Someone give Padma a cracker already. The Elks find the meatloaf dry and crunchy. See, forget Micah's attitude about Americans or whatever she supposedly did, her biggest crime is ruining something as delectable and homey as meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Meatloaf should only ever be crunchy on the outside and even then, it's a very, very thin line of crunchiness before it devolves into moist beef-lamb-veal-pork happiness, studded here and there with translucent slivers of onion. Oh, man -- I can't resist the opportunity to point you all to one of the greatest meatloafs found on the Wide, Wide World of Web: the meatcake. You have to scroll down and watch the progression to fully appreciate the complete and total awesomeness of this creation. My favorite part is when Black Widow Baker notes that the T-bone design in the "frosting" has a "uterusy" look about it.
Brian and his straw hat -- under which he keeps all of his MALARKEY! -- bring out his stuffed cabbage. The Evil Dr. Mathra, padding out from the bedroom with a sleep-creased face, wants to know if Brian (MALARKEY!) brought a hatbox with him to Miami. Apparently, he's been wearing "lots of ridiculous headgear." "Lots" seems to be defined by this particular hat and a knit cap Brian (MALARKEY!) was seen wearing in the cheftestant apartment. Brian (MALARKEY!)'s lobster and shrimp stuffed cabbage is swimming in some Agent Orange lobster broth with green beans. "And I just wanted the world to know that it's okay to have a little bit of cholesterol, have a little of lobster -- everything in moderation," Brian (MALARKEY!) explains defiantly, with a little bit of weird hand waving that is actually letting the world know that it's okay to cook crazy. All lithium in moderation. Portale and Ted Allen make faces over Brian (MALARKEY!)'s speech. Colicchio sighs and looks annoyed.
Suddenly, Camille is bouncing in front of us, saying, "I picked the tacos -- one's a beef and one's a tuna." The Bravo Graphics tells us that the two open-faced tacos are a beef and chili salsa taco and a tuna and tomatillo apple taco. Are there really apples in that taco or is the title of the dish just playing up tomatillos as apples in the same way that tomatoes were once known as "love apples"? An Elk grabs at her water glass with talon-tipped fingers and says, "A little spicy." We pass through Casey's rib-eye Sloppy Joes (NOT JOE'S, BRAVO!) with butter pickle and apricot compote. I have absolutely no clue what butter pickles are. I know what bread-and-butter pickles are -- is that what they meant? Casey's Sloppy Joes (Slop-sloppy Joe!) have the meat perched precariously and amuse-bouche-ily on thick cubes of toasted bread. Jutting her chest out, Casey announces, "You can pick it up, eat it with a fork, they're Sloppy Joes, so have fun with it." "How many headscarves does she have?" the Evil Dr. Mathra wonders grumpily, clearly in a fixated headspace tonight. At first I thought the golden cubes on the side of the Sloppy Joes were the apricot compote, however, because compote is usually a wet, viscous mass, I'm thinking they are just tiny cubes of toasted potato and functioning as Tater Tots replacement. The Elks like what Casey has to offer.
Joey From New York sounds totally depressed when he tells people about his low-cholesterol lasagna with turkey sausage, eggplant, and mushroom. We don't get much of a reaction from anyone on this one before Tre sets down his plate of roast chicken cordon bleu with bluefoot chantarelle mushrooms, asparagus, and parsnip sauce. You can see bits of ham and cheese poking out of the middle of the chicken breast slices, so it looks pretty authentic. Padma takes a bite and decides reluctantly, "This is…not bad." Colicchio frowns at his plate, "It's not the worst thing we were served today." Scary music plays to fake us out, as poor Howie brings out his pork chops and applesauce. Howie explains he did a fennel-crusted pork chop with a four apple-fennel slaw and an apple cider-ginger reduction. (Bravo Graphics calls this a "sultana raisin emulsion," which is singular.) The judges really love the dish. Padma notes, "It registers that familiarity but it's so sophisticated…and light…and tasty." I've heard Padma say that about herself as well. "This is EXCEPTIONALLY tender!" an Elkess says. And if dentures can cut through pork, you know Howie's finally learned how to properly cook his pork. "Mmm -- superb," her dining companion mumbles, jabbing at his dish with a fork. Padma thanks everyone and asks them to fill out their comment cards so they can be "factored into" their judging. Some Elk is heard to say, "I can't spell mediocre." Hee. In the back, the cheftestants hypothesize what the end results will be. Oddly, CJ thinks Lia will be one of the top dishes, even though she undercooked her lentils. Dale tells us he's pretty confident his chicken 'n' dumplings will be his best-received dish ever.
Padma walks into the back and we can see she's wearing a fairly stunning red cotton sundress. Her wardrobe has been pretty unimpeachable this season, nary a shearling vest-over-bikini in sight. Padma tells them they had a few surprises and some definite disappointments. She'll see them all at Judges' Table.
Judges' Table. They didn't like CJ's "big green blob," which, Colicchio Bourdains, "It did evoke the original -- it was as bad as most tuna casseroles." Ted Allen guffaws. They really liked Howie's dish, but note that the Elks hated Micah's meatloaf. "The meatloaf had a really odd aftertaste," Portale decides. "It was a meatloaf that kept giving, but not in a very good way," Colicchio zings. Turning to Brian (MALARKEY!)'s stuffed cabbage rolls, Ted Allen thinks using lobster was a "crazy choice." Could not have said it better myself. Dale was also another favorite tonight. Padma goes to the back in her usual manner of trying so very hard to look and talk as though someone has contracted Hepatitis at a Hollywood party in order to throw everyone off the track that she is, in fact, calling back the winners; she beckons back Dale and Howie. Brought before the judges, Howie and Dale are told that they are the winners. "Thank you," they both say, just as somberly as Padma. "Howie, you can SMILE!" Padma teases. Howie forces out a smile that definitely doesn't reach his eyes. Poor Howie, even when he's top two, he just can't enjoy it. "It's gotta feel better than being up here twice for not impressing us," Colicchio grins, reminding Howie just how many times his food has sucked. Ted Allen notes that Howie chose not to make applesauce. Howie responds that applesauce, for him, is baby food and he wanted the crispness of fennel and apple to "lift the palate a little." Turning to Dale, Padma says, "You got some…stuff from a…box?" Dale cops to using the boxed mashed potatoes for his pierogi dough and he stands by his decision. "No one picked up on it at all," Colicchio says. Which is great, because it means that Colicchio let his phalanx of judges make up their own minds without first telling them about the box of potato flakes. Colicchio adds that they really enjoyed the dish and says that it was a really difficult decision to decide between the two of them. Portale announces Howie as the winner and hands him a stack of his cookbooks and also invites him to come to New York and work with him and his chefs for a week at the Gotham Bar and Grill. Padma sends Howie and Dale back to retrieve the losers. I've decided that with his mini-mo and round head, Dale looks like Chicken Little.
In the back, the cheftestants applaud Howie, and Dale calls out Micah, CJ, Lia, Sara M., and Brian (MALARKEY!). Brian (MALARKEY!) looks around at the other cheftestants and tells us, "I'm immune to elimination. I'm befuddled, I don't know what the hell is going to happen here." Colicchio repeats that Brian (MALARKY!) has immunity, but they still wanted to call him out and tell him just how very disappointed in him they all were for choosing to use lobster. Colicchio also tells him it's about time to stop using seafood and prove to them that he can handle meat. Brian (MALARKY!) is then excused from the table. I dearly wanted Colicchio to add that Brian's speech about cholesterol in moderation was a bunch of MALARKEY! Starting with Micah, Padma tells her she scored the lowest with the Elks. Micah shrugs. Ted Allen wonders how Micah thought her dish took meatloaf to a new level. "They showed it to me yesterday -- it was just a round of ground beef and some brown gravy. To me, that is nothing I would ever eat," Micah responds making an "icky food is so beneath me" face. As I said in my recaplet, I find it so hard to believe that in six or so years of living in the United States, Micah never saw or heard of meatloaf. And I will repeat, the U.S. is not the only country to eat meatloaf. Micah's clearly been living in a culinary vacuum and as such, does not deserve to win Top Chef. Colicchio wonders if she would eat the meatloaf she prepared. Micah admits she wasn't exactly happy with the texture of her end result. Portale again mentions the odd aftertaste of her dish. Moving to Sara M., Padma asks if she's eaten a lot of Chicken à la King. No, not really, she's from Jamaica, however she liked what she did. "It bore no resemblance, whatsoever, to Chicken à la King and that is a problem -- I just don't understand what you were thinking," Portale tells her forcefully. Portale then tells CJ that his tuna casserole was "so green that it was frightening" and the flavors were "all pea." CJ agrees. Colicchio didn't mind the green, but the flavors were muddy. However, he did appreciate the thought that went into the cholesterol-lowering flax seed tuile. Lia is taken to task for not really doing much with her dish other than undercooking her lentils. "I guess I didn't really understand how complex franks and beans are," Lia jokes. BWAH! The judges laugh. Colicchio tells the cheftestants that with thirteen left, he doesn't want people aiming for the middle ground.
Corned Beef Rehash at the Judges' Table. Interesting point, Portale thinks that while Micah's dish was bad, Sara M's chicken a la king was worse. "That was chicken DON King," Colicchio attempts. That doesn't even make sense -- is he saying it has bad hair? Colicchio, leave the Bourdaining to the master.
The four losers stand back before the judges. Colicchio individually rakes them over again. Padma tells Micah to pack up and go home. Micah nods. She says goodbye the cheftestants and with a face glazed with tears and nose swollen with snot, Micah stuffily tells us she's relieved to be going home, "At the end of the day, this means I get to go and sleep with my baby." Okay, I know she means her daughter, but that just sounded really…odd. The cheftestants applaud her out. Micah tells us that she's glad to get out before things get really cutthroat because she's not someone who would do anything to win. She's not That Girl.
week: Farscape! Well, Top Chef's a rerun, so I'll be suffering through my least favorite Farscape episode, "Taking the Dumb-Ass Freakin' Stone." However, the Top Chef will have the cheftestants working in teams, and Joey From New York is whining again. Have a safe and fun Fourth of July!