By Keckler
Seriously? This show? With the warm and the fuzzies? This is insane -- don't these people know what it means to be on a reality show? You don't GIVE each other the WINE that you WON in the Elimination Challenge because you think the OTHER guy's dish was BETTER! But see, Howie don't play that way, so after his quick-braised pork beat Joey From New York's black bean, lobster, and chorizo stew, he told the rest of the cheftestants that Joey's was much better and he was giving him his prize wine. I can't quite wrap my head around reality show contestants being that…nice to each other! Tiffani would be so confused in this environment.
Backing up: Joey From New York was already cooking golden with the immunity he won in the do-something-do-ANYTHING Frozen Pie Crust Quickfire, but he still put out a top Latin dish for the Telemundian cast of Dame Chocolate. (I don't know how many "sneaky" Dame Chocolate commercials I counted in the time it took for the cast and judges to eat the food, but it was a lot. And it was shameless. And NBC owns Bravo AND Telemundo. Just in case you were wondering.) Howie, still as addicted to pork as a Florida chef named "Kleinberg" can be, busted out something better -- even after Colicchio threw the cheftestants a "curve" and cut their cooking time from three hours to 90 minutes.
Hung had a bad night. Not only was he called out in the bottom three of the Quickfire for dry, bland chicken and rice, but he's also lined up on the Elimination Challenge chopping block, and guess what? He really doesn't know why he's there, and even argues with both Colicchio's and guest judge Maria Frumkin's opinions about his food. However, it's quiet Lia who gets sent home for a bland, mushy trout dish. And it's a tearful Casey who needs to make it all about her when she announces that Lia's going home.
It's morning, and as Lia pushes back her motel-quality quilt, she reflects on Camille's empty bed, "I think Camille was kind of just starting to come out of her shell and being a little more social. She's a really great person, I think we're all really sad to see her go." It is too bad, because I found her voice to be such good stress therapy, but hermit crabs like Camille don't usually fare well on these kinds of shows. When you're surrounded by so many other strong personalities, you pretty much have to get in the judges' faces if you want to get noticed. Obviously, you also have to cook really well, but if you aren't forward enough, the judges will conclude that you just don't want it enough.
Dale and Joey From New York make their way out to the balcony for a smoke. Joey From New York is frustrated that his past performances have kept him in the mid to bottom placement. Why have I never noticed that huge-ass mole of his before and, more importantly, why the HELL can't I stop staring at it? Out on the balcony, Dale and Joey survey the ocean view. Dale walks uncomfortably close to the rail with Joey following at a discreet distance. "It's gonna be like this from here on out, man," Joey tells Dale. Did anyone else have a weird feeling that Joey was about to take Dale by the ankles and drop him over the side? Maybe it's just me. And I don't even watch The Sopranos. Joey tells us, "You know what? I'm the grey horse right now. Nobody sees me coming." Wait, what's "the grey horse"? I've heard of a "dark horse" but I'm not familiar with this grey one. Is it a charcoal grey? Or heathered? Maybe he confusing that with an Apocalypse horse mixed up with "The Old Grey Mare (She Ain't What She Used to Be)." Hung tells us he's going to approach each day of the competition as if it were his last, "I think I can make it to the top -- it's all about finesse, style, grace, and elegance." See, he can say that, but deep down we know that he knows that it's not going to be his last day, because he's just Hung like that.
In the kitchens, Padma introduces Maria Frumkin -- chef and owner of Duo and The French Bakery Café -- as the guest judge of the day. Tre, who has renewed his Valium prescription this week, tells us that Chef Frumkin is an amazing pastry chef and he has a lot of respect for her. There's something about that name -- it's not quite "frumpy" and it's partway to "pumpkin." It sounds like a glazed puff pastry with filled with dense cinnamon and pumpkin-y deliciousness. Mmm, frumkins.
Calling them "one of the most widely-used, time-saving culinary innovations of the twentieth century," Padma tells the cheftestants they'll be making magic with frozen pie shells. Huh, I would have said that frozen puff pastry is the ultimate time saver because even when frozen, the flavor and performance isn't compromised in the least. The same can't really be said for frozen pie shells, which taste like freezer-burned cardboard. Plus, puff pastry takes fucking long to make, and pie crust, while futzy, just isn't the same sort of ordeal. Hung seems to be in the process of exclaiming, "I KNEW IT!" but he doesn't quite finish and instead grabs at his forehead convulsively. Dale, citing his recent problems with pastry-based dishes, said his immediate response to this challenge was, "Fuck you." He also throws the bird in the direction of the interviewer to illustrate his deep feelings. Never fear, however, because impressionable young minds will never know what is happening at the end of Dale's expressive, digitized wrist. Padma turns to Chef Frumkin to ask her opinion of "our humble frozen pie crust." With a very Snow-y dodge, Frumkin says, "You will have to use your talent and your creativity to come up with something tasty with this frozen 'pie crust.'" The cheftestants can do whatever they want but they have to make the "most ambitious creative dish" they can in 90 minutes. Padma says they "really expect a miracle, especially after last week's dessert debacle." I wonder how many takes that tongue twister took. Also, poor Dale. He's looking peevish and like he might just like to debacle Padma right down the garbage disposal. Food flurry.
Hung, speakingathespeedoflight, tells us that he loves banana pies, so he's of a mind to whip up a banana, chocolate, peanut confection. In some worlds, we call that a banana split. However, using the pie crust, he's going to take the banana cream pie approach and chocolate mousse it instead. "How can you go wrong with that dish?" Hung wonders. You know what they say: pride goes before a phaal. Oh, crap -- Hung basically half folded his melted chocolate into his cream and then ran off to spaz out somewhere else. Chocolate mousse recipes can either call for just whipped heavy cream or a combo of whipped heavy cream and egg whites, and some of them even use yolks in the chocolate base. The chocolate, being much heavier than cream or egg whites, is going to weigh all that shit down and deflate it. As soon as you add something heavy to egg whites or cream, you have to quickly and gently foldfoldfold until it's all incorporated. Only after that point can you chill it. (Or bake it, if you're doing a soufflé.) You do not start folding and then run off to do something else. Far and away the best thing to do is fold fully, dump in the shell, bowl, or whatever, and chill ASAP. Don't leave the mousse out in the hot kitchen any longer than you have to because the whites or cream will begin to weep and the chocolate will ooze. Actually, what's even worse is that Hung wasn't even folding correctly -- he was stirring. Folding is cutting your spatula down the middle, lifting and turning, and repeating the entire process while spinning the bowl. Mixing breaks down the air bubbles. And I don't care if Hung says he's not a pastry chef, any chef needs to know how to properly manipulate egg whites and cream or make a mousse. Even worse offense: did he even bother to cool the chocolate before adding it to the whipped cream/whites?
Dale -- who is remarkably pumped about this challenge, considering his DESSERT DEBACLE -- is making a strawberry-saffron free-form tart and something with salmon. He wants to redeem himself. Just after Sara M. tells us that none of them are comfortable with desserts, Joey From New York drops this bomb, "What nobody knows is that I have some pastry experience." Rock would be so proud of your gamesmanship. Joey goes on that he didn't want to take a risk in last week's Elimination Challenge and that's why he neglected to volunteer with Team Dessert. Moley, moley, moley. Hung makes another one of his "whoop"-ing noises as he runs, half-crouched, through the kitchen gauntlet. He's just bizarre. Howie is whisking hard in a bowl over a pot of simmering water and he's sweating. Again. Howie, please, bandana yourself.
We get a Gong of Bad Things Are Afoot when Hung pulls his banana mousse tart out of a freezer and tests its consistency. He wonders if the freezer is working and tells us his stuff isn't setting up. Maybe he should use some powdered gelatin. Tre is reimagining the tarte Tatin served at his restaurant by getting in touch with his feminine side and decorating the tarte with some pastry stars and triangles. With five minutes to go, Hung thinks he has to go to "plan B." Plan B is to take his gloppy pie and plop it on a plate, the diarrheic edges shored up by strawberries. "That's how you save a dripping pie!" Hung informs us, as if imparting some mystical wisdom. Problem is, the strawberry dikes can't keep the Hershey squirt on the actual pie crust, which is now pulling itself away as if to distance its frozen ass from such an embarrassing display of incompetence. As you do. Hung had already decided, "It was a little runny, but it was still a mousse." Dude, mousses (moussei? mousseaux?) AREN'T runny unless Bullwinkle ate a bad batch of birch bark. By definition, they are creamy, airy, fluffy, and moussey, so please stop soliloquizing out of your ass.
Dale, another cheftestant who should probably learn that "hubris" has nothing to do with a Jewish ceremony, brags, "I got this one in the bag. I definitely feel that these two dishes are some of the best dishes that I have made in this entire competition." You know what? I take that back, it's not necessarily hubris with Dale because he's never acted obnoxiously superior. It's more like, "Oh, sad, I've already seen this and I know how it's going to turn out, so Dale? Please, please, PLEASE just shut up now before you compromise yourself any further!"
Padma and Chef Frumkin step forward to sample Hung's banana, rum, and chocolate pie with spicy peanuts. With strawberry dikes. "It didn't have enough time to set, but it's delicious the way it is," Hung explains quickly. "Why…didn't it have enough time to set? I saw you had a lot of time on your hands," Padma interrogates. "Yeah, um, I didn't use the regular dark chocolate so it didn't set as hard," Hung blithers. According to my pastry consultant, milk chocolate doesn't always set up the way dark chocolate does and often needs gelatin. She thinks the lack of the milk solids in the dark chocolate help it to seize and be less homogenous with the whipped cream and therefore gain some structure. It doesn't explain why milk chocolate would need the stabilizing effect of gelatin if he were just using egg whites, though. Even more confusing, Alton Brown's recipe for chocolate mousse uses heavy cream and dark chocolate AND gelatin. Some cooks and chefs simply feel more comfortable using gelatin because, when done correctly, it is certain to firm up your liquids. Personally, I hate the consistency of gelatinized stuff, so I always risk it. However, it's pretty obvious Hung did so many other things wrong to contribute to his chocolate mooze beyond using unstabilized milk chocolate.
Hung, still not getting it, tells us, "The mousse was not as firm as I'd like it to be, but the flavors were all there -- it tasted delicious." First of all, stop calling it a mousse. What you made looked like pudding -- you made a chocolate pudding pie. Second of all, whether the flavors were there or not, it looked a mess and it's not good enough to hide behind the "but it tastes so goooood" defense when you're in this kind of competition. I make messes all the time that taste good, but I can because I'm not trying to be a top chef. What bothers me most about this defense is that I know Hung knows that and if anyone else on this show tried to get away with a mess that "tasted delicious," he would slam their presentation. Besides, didn't Hung say earlier that his stuff is "all about finesse, style, grace, and elegance"? I'm not seeing much of that on this plate, unless by "finesse" he means the consistency of Finesse.
Howie presents a peach pie "tarte Tatin" with a black pepper and balsamic sabayon served in a shot glass. "I know chefs pervert terms and recipes all the time," the Evil Dr. Mathra interjects, "but it's not technically a tarte Tatin unless it uses apples. Hey, if you're gonna bust on Hung, I'll have to bust on Howie." Chef Frumkin thinks the flavors are "kind of strong."
Joey From New York, playing the hard to be humble card, is a LYING LIAR WHO LIES when he says, "I'm not a pastry chef, I know very little about desserts, so I tried my best." He made a trio of tarts, and the first is berry cream with reduced balsamic vinegar, the second is roasted mango puree with rum and toasted coconut, and the third it a warm apple compote with brandied whipped cream and a cardamom syrup. Joey tells us, "I've used flavors like that before -- it's just like an orgasm in your mouth." Well, it would be if you're doing three tarts at once.
CJ disarmingly plays up to Chef Frumkin's famous establishment by doing a duo of pie crusts. The first is a "duck lollipop," and I really don't get how this one works. CJ says, "I baked off the pie crust, brushed it with a little bit of duck fat -- the sauce is made with piquillo peppers, a little bit of sherry." Bravo Graphics tells that the duck lollipop is encrusted with pistachios and pie crust. Moving on to other part of the duo, it's hard to see where the pie crust is, but maybe it's that cracker-like thing the sliced duck breast is resting on with sautéed cabbage, tomato, and arugula puree. Chef Frumkin says, "I'm having a hard time putting it all together." In your head? Mouth? Purse?
Tre quietly tells the judges about his tiny caramelized fennel and apple tart Tatin with a mint sabayon, brandy reduction, and a port, cherry, and walnut compote. "It's veeeeery pretty," Padma says as she cuts into the tarte.
Brian (MALARKEY!) tells us, "I woke up with a lot of energy this morning --" When does he not wake up with a lot of energy? The guy drinks coffee to calm down. Brian goes on, "-- so we channeled it right here." "We"? Oh my god, how many more does he have in there? The Brians are back to the wack-a-doo dishes with four tarts -- one for each personality -- that they are calling "actually like a kind of a four-course meal of tarts, actually." Here we go, in their own words: "Here what we have is kind of an artichoke, zucchini, some eggplant on an arugula pesto, this one here is our celeriac puree with the seared diver scallops, and then we move on to our chorizo pepper-jack cheese, and then what I did over here was a Grand Marnier and fruit? On a little tart with yogurt." Padma asks, "Did you feel that you needed to do four different…" It was the only way to stop all the arguing in his head because "Brian" wanted to keep it simple with a purely vegetarian tart, "Bryan" has the sweet tooth and insisted on dessert, "O'Brian" is a big meat eater and wanted to do something with sausage, and it's "MALARKEY!" who tends toward a scallop mania. Brian says that people are leaving every day, so every day he really has to make an effort to put out the best.
Sara M. made a braised rabbit and chard stew and wrapped prosciutto around the rabbit tenderloin. She adds that she did a "vegetable cigar but it has the innards in there." Two things that should never be on a menu together, "cigar" and "innards." There's a reason why chefs give them names like "sweetbreads" or "tripe." Even "offal" is better than "innards." I think the vegetable cigar is rolled up pie crust, stuffed with vegetables and "innards." Finally, Sara M. made a goat cheese, feta, and fig tart. Chef Frumkin likes the combo of the rabbit and spices.
Moving on to Lia, the judges sample an artichoke-chorizo tart -- for which something was cooked down in Sauternes -- that is topped with a fennel, pear, and aged Gruyère salad with piquillo pepper vinaigrette. She has slices of undescribed pork tenderloin as well. Chef Frumkin mumbles -- but we got subtitles! -- that she's not crazy about it and draws in her mouth tightly. Chef Frumkin's face looks like it's been dehydrated by a dehydrating maniac, you know what I'm saying?
Finally, we get to Dale who is very excited about his "Summer Picnic." He took some spinach, seasoned it with pastis, and added it to fennel, onion, pistachio, seared salmon, and pear, all of which was rolled in the thawed pie crust dough and sliced, sort of like a roulade. Chewing around her mouthful, Chef Frumkin makes a Jerry Blank face. It's not a good look. For her or for Dale. Then, for dessert, Dale has a strawberry, pear, and saffron tart with whipped vanilla goat cheese. Ew, goat cheese and vanilla? That's right up there with chocolate cheese for me. Putting it lightly, Chef Frumkin judges it as "kind of overwhelming."
Chef Frumkin's final decree is that she didn't like Lia's -- the artichoke and pear didn't marry or even live together well -- Dale's -- the saffron was overwhelming -- and finally, predictably, Hung. Hung laughs in denial and then looks back at Chef Frumkin with an amused and disbelieving sneer. Hung, don't make me get my FISHOOK! Chef Frumkin believes Hung had enough time to get his glop right. For the good, she liked Tre's simple and elegant dessert, she thought Sara M.'s cheese tart was exceptional, and finally she thought Joey's trio was very, very nice. "You have a future in tarts," Chef Frumkin says, giving a bit of a horsy geek laugh, and then names Joey the winner.
Padma explains that the Elimination Challenge is to cater a Latin lunch for the cast and crew of Telemundo's Dame Chocolate telenovela as well as other Telemundo stars. She sort of slurs through that last part, so those "other stars" must not be as important as those on DAME CHOCOLATE. They have 30 minutes to shop, $125 to spend, and three hours to cook. Padma's tone here is very, "THREE HOURS is SO much time and I'm making a POINT about how much time it is because we're SO NOT gonna take it away from you!" Hung, as confident as he always is, tells us he lived in Puerto Rico for three years and he thinks he's going to do well.
Shopping sequence. Dale is "fairly panicked," but to Joey From New York, the idea of "hot Latino women," gets him excited and happy. In his pants. On a totally, totally different topic, Joey informs us, "You know, Howie and I became really close since our incident." He knows Howie is talented and would like to see him do more than pork. Casey, swiveling her head this way and that, tells us, "I live in Texas, I'm close to the border. I actually have quite a bit of knowledge working with Latin food." So, by "border," you must mean "Taco Bell," because Dallas is "close to the border" in the same way that San Francisco is "close to the border." As in, you are in a state that borders Mexico but you aren't CLOSE to said border. Maybe she means the Oklahoman border. Lots of good Mexican food up there. Casey is going to do some sort of mole sauce, which, as she explains is "different in every region." She flips her hair and tells us, "I decided to do a coffee sauce. Coffee is very popular in South Florida." Did you hear that? Coffee is very popular in South Florida! Man, I wish I lived in a state where coffee was very popular, don't you? Sara N. is making an avocado ceviche where the spicy seafood is incorporated into a fairly acidic guacamole. The difficult part of her dish will come from making her own tortillas but luckily (LUCKILY!), she always buys some pre-made spares, "just in case something doesn't work out." Aw, you'll never, ever, ever need those.
Back at the pad, one of the Brians wonders if anyone is doing dessert, "The name of soap opera is chocolate-something or something." (He didn't hear Padma's explanation because MALARKEY! was gnashing his teeth too loud over their loss.) Casey is happy to correct him with heavy accents, "Dame Chocolate." She's seen the show and adds, "It's HUGE in Mexico." (By which she means "Oklahoma.") "Do you have a favorite character?" Lia asks. Casey responds, "They've got their sultry-looking ones and their older…people." Oh, for Pete's sake -- that can apply to any soap, drama, sitcom, or infomercial on television! How much were they fed these lines? I mean, I know djb said they never fed lines on his show, but come ON! Am I really supposed to believe this is all natural when Casey can't even regurgitate a single character? Come to think of it, Paris Hilton would have been better off taking this hedging tactic when asked about her favorite Bible passage, "I like the venge-y ones and the sinnery…parts." But let's not worry about the flagrant product placements here, because Lia is telling us how close she and Casey have become in their short time together. As they discuss their dishes, Casey is eating another packed sandwich and taking really big bites. When she swallows, I sort of expect to see a big lump going down her throat.
Night falls and passes and suddenly we are in Tre's armpit. It's hairy and it's deep and we are RIGHTINTHERE! The Evil Dr. Mathra glimpsed the Pit of Despair and thought Tre had a chick in bed with him. (Aw, dammit -- why couldn't I have thought to call our favorite almost head-shaver the "Cliffs of Insanity" last year? Always slow on the uptake.) We have a Beside Chat with Hung, who tells us he's going to use his facility with the Spanish language to win him Cool Points with the cast, "And my food's going to taste good." But is it going look good, or is it going to be runny?
Oh, god it's a Brian. He's slightly louder and he's got his grunge knit had on, so I think that makes him "Bryan." (O'Brian wears the straw pork pie hat and speaks with an Irish accent.) "We're gonna go cook LATIN food for LATIN Americans," he informs us. I've decided that it's not particularly fair to ding Brian for doing too much seafood because each dish was probably done by a separate personality. "Bryan" goes on, "Coming from San Diego, but by way of the Northwest, my Latin flavors are not explosive." This particular Brian sings some of his words -- that explosive came out as "ex-PLOH-siive" and then sort of trailed off into nothingess. I think we caught him during a Brian changeover.
In the kitchens, everyone gets ready to cook. Sara M. notes that they are more relaxed because they have more time and people aren't running around like crazy. Can you smell the DUN! ? Because it's almost ready. Howie is another cheftestant they have telling us about taking your time and being careful and smelling roses. The DUN! has arrived with Colicchio on platter. Too early for a Sniff 'n' Sneer, Colicchio calls everyone to attention and tells them, "We just got a phone call from Dame Chocolate and they pushed up their luncheon, so you guys have about an hour and a half to be ready and to get out of here, okay?" Everyone boggles. "Sorry about that," Colicchio tosses back as he walks out, totally not sorry at all. "Oh, my GOSH!" O'Brian tells us, grabbing his head. He's the Brians' worrywort. Casey tells us that her immediate reaction is, "Holy shit." You gotta love how Bravo's bleeps work. You totally get the "shh" and you get the "tttt," so it's almost not worth the bleep. Hung proceeds to dash back and forth across the kitchen at intervals. Casey tells us, "Now that we have less time, there's more stress. The kitchen, it's dangerous -- people are running around there. [We get a cut of Casey herself running around.] There are hot pans around and it's not a good situation." Casey goes on, "People are losing all sense of what's right and wrong in this situation." We cut Howie swearing and examining either something that he dropped or something with his burners. "People have different ways of handling pressure," Tre tells us calmly, "I'm not going to knock anybody's method as long as it gets the job done for them." Good on you, Tre! Hold on tight to that feeling and you'll be golden. In fact, pretend it's your Valium and someone's trying to take it away from you.
Colicchio reappears, this time for an honest-to-goodness Sniff 'n' Sneer. Checking in with Howie, Colicchio learns that Howie had been planning on braising pork shoulder, and in fact, he's still intending to braise the pork. "You're still braising it?" Colicchio queries. He is, and he'll probably finish it in the oven and pray for the best. Colicchio, totally skeptical in face and tone, says, "Good luck." He's so resigned to Howie screwing this up that his "Good luck" basically comes off as sarcastic. Colicchio checks in with Casey and Lia, who both think they can pull off their dishes with some minor changes, and learns that Sara N. had the foresight to buy tortillas since she will now be unable to make her own. Spastically freaking his hands and body every which way, Hung insists that the reduced time "is gonna work! It's gonna happen! No problem! No matter what, it's gonna happen!" Colicchio laughingly holds up a hand -- maybe to ward off the sweat and herbs Hung is flinging his way -- and says, "I actually believe you!" Hung's answering laugh is bordering on hysteria with a touch of mania. Just a touch. Colicchio then watches Hung dart off with his cleaver and makes a "Uch!" face as Hung steps in front of Casey. Casey, who had momentarily been stopped by the rampaging Hung, moves over to the stove and wonders aloud, "Was that a knife? Jesus Christ!"
Outside the kitchen, Colicchio registers his concern about Hung running with a knife, "He almost caught Casey, face-high." Okay, I don't think it was quite "face-high" because, come on, Hung's short, but yeah, dangerous. And so dangerous, in fact, that Colicchio should have said something to him right then and there instead of waiting until Judges' Table. Colicchio makes a point of saying that Howie is just sweating and that in Howie's place, he would roast the pork and not mess around with braising, "It would have been fine -- it would have been, actually, probably better." Better than winning? Spoiler! Time ticks down and everyone packs up. Hung tells the cameras that he's just doing "last minute refinements," and adds, "I mean, if I can't cook rice, I should just go home right now." He laughs to illustrate how insanely ridiculous it would be for him (HIM!) to be sent home. Speaking of rice, Casey's rice boils over and Howie helps her scrape it out of the pan. "It became sort of…mushy," she explains.
We scamper on over to the luncheon site in time to see a small brown lizard scuttle down a tree. If this were Man vs. Wild, he'd be the luncheon, and one of the Brians (MALARKEY!, probably) would be doing naked push-ups in the snow. We get some lights, camera, best boy scenes and then the cheftestants arrive. Sara M. gushes over the Dame Chocolate set and explains, "It was set on Star Island, you know, all the fancy people live there." Not all the fancy people live there -- don't the Jeb Bushes live on Fisher Island? You know what they say, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach, that way you'll have the best of Florida." Lia explains that doing their luncheon buffet-style means having to deal with chafing dishes and hot boxes, which sucks, because the food just keeps cooking. For that reason, Lia decided to do a cold dish. The cheftestants do more prep and write out nametags for their dishes.
The judges and Telemundians arrive and queue up for lunch. Gail's back and she's starting off with Sara N.'s shrimp and scallop avocado ceviche with charred corn and pickled radish. The ceviche is presented on an endive spear with tortilla chips on the side. Casey's tells someone about her bacon-wrapped chicken breast with molasses-coffee glaze, served on a bed of rice. Casey says her breast is stuffed, but we aren't told with what. My guess? Silicone. Speaking to a Telemundian, Casey warns, "And in the front, I have a really, really spicy sauce. It is super spicy." Casey then tries to say, "But that's the way I like it," when the Telemundian talks over her, saying, rhetorically, "Do you think it's going to be too spicy for me? I'm Mexican!" Seriously, Casey -- what was with all the spice warnings? Know your audience! "I know that's why I did it!" Casey insists. CJ serves up some skirt steak with black beans and jicama slaw. Hung, speaking Spanish that even I can understand, greets his lunchers with the same level of hyperness he displayed all day. One of the lunchers seems to totally laugh at Hung speaking Spanish. Sort of in a, "Well, aren't you just ADORABLE? Look at you -- trying to speak our language!" sort of way. Hung agrees, "As people are coming through the line, and I'm speaking to them in Spanish and they're loving it! They're loving it!" Hung tells them he made Arroz con Pollo (rice with chicken) with cilantro, lemon, chicharrones (pork rind? Cracklings?), and avocado. He sort of flubs the Spanish for avocado, but Casey's spicy Mexican chick helps him out. And because she has a comment on practically everything, Casey has a comment on all of this for us: "He's got all these condiments, so he's asking: 'Do you want a little of this and a little of that?' and he is ALL over the place, and I'm just [she makes an "ew, back off" movement]. It's Hung being Hung." He is Hung, no disputing that.
Moving on to Tre, we see his jumbo prawns in yellow tomato-coconut sauce with jalapeno-cilantro dumplings and mango-lobster ceviche. Gail, her hair blowing wildly in the wind, gives Tre a melting smile and tells him she likes his dumpling idea. Howie dishes up braised pork shoulder and yucca with a sour orange mojo sauce. Chef Frumkin wants to know how Howie's braising went with the condensed time. Howie explains that he cut the pieces smaller and shortened the braising time, but he stuck to his plans. A very braided Padma steps up to receive Joey From New York's two-bean stew with lobster, shrimp, chicken, and chorizo. Howie drools to us, "Joey's dish was just delicious -- I was eating it the whole time I was standing to him. I couldn't stop eating it!" I have such a dirty mind tonight. "It blew me away," Howie admits. See? Padmahontas has Lia explain her smoked rainbow trout on a poblano and charred-corn polenta cake before she thanks her in a decidedly unenthused voice and takes her plate away to eat. "Polenta?" barks Gail's voice, "Is that Latin? HMMMM!" She's being rhetorical and sort of condescending, Lia, don't fall for it! Lia falls for it and explains to the food person, "No, but it's Latin flavors." Gail hurriedly says that it's interesting and she loves polenta and it's a "nice little twist." You know, it's not such a far-fetched, wild and crazy idea to pair Latin food with polenta. It has enough of a kinship with masa harina that it's not really a leap of the imagination.
Judges' Table. Padmahontas thinks that was "one of the most fun lunches we've had yet." "There's NOTHING better than a Telenovela to get your appetite…rolling!" Gail exclaims with a lot of emphasis on "rolling." I don't even know what she's talking about, but I'm starting to think Gail's been away from the Top Chef camera for so long that she's trying to shove all her Gailness into one episode. Chef Frumkin adds, "They were knowledgeable about it -- they were like, talking about the ingredients and this and that -- it was very interesting." It was interesting that Latino people were knowledgeable about the food of their culture? Isn't that sort of like being pleasantly surprised that Italians can talk about lasagna? Colicchio mentions the "major twist" of the episode, which in keeping to the theme of this episode, should have included not just a time cut, but everyone sleeping together and then discovering evil twins. Everyone liked Joey's dish, but when it came to Lia's dish, Gail says, "Everyone sitting around me left her dish on their plate." Drama. Padmahontas screws up her face and says, "The polenta cake got so mushy -- that dish just didn't work for me at all." "She didn't go to the Latin theme," Chef Frumkin agrees. I know the dish itself wasn't a traditional Latin dish, but what about the fact that she used Latin flavors in it? They all pretty much hated Casey's dish as well, and Colicchio finally gets a word in edgewise, "That could have been the best coffee thing that we put in our mouths and it couldn't have saved dry chicken and God knows what that rice was." , they all bill and coo over Howie's pork, and Chef Frumkin loved it so much she rolls her "r"s when she goes on about his "red onion."
In the back, the cheftestants wait nervously. Padmahontas with her Digger O'Dell voice -- I actually had to turn my volume way up just to hear her -- asks to see Joey and Howie. Not at all hoodwinked by Padmahontas' playacting, Joey and Howie heave themselves triumphantly up, slap hands, and the leftover cheftestants applaud.
In front of the judges, Howie and Joey both stand at attention and gaze off into the distance. I can't believe they didn't call back Sara M.. Padma congratulates them and talks to them about their dishes. Joey explains that the "Spanish guys" in his kitchen make that dish for the family meal (sans lobster), and that's where he got the idea. He had never made it before and he wouldn't have done anything any differently had they been allowed the full three hours they were promised. Colicchio notes that Howie has a "smirk" on his face and wants to know what's up. "No, I was exactly on the opposite -- I thought I might be in trouble when we found out about that little curve ball," Howie says. "Is this going to be a regular thing for you? It seems like timing is your --" Gail says. "Achilles heel," Padmahontas finishes. "Yeah, your Achilles heel," Gail agrees. But an Achilles heel is a vulnerability, and Howie did well in this challenge, so how did timing end up being a bad thing for him? ["Gail and Padma need to acquaint themselves with one of my Grandpa's favorite words: 'bugaboo.' Timing has proved to be Howie's 'bugaboo.' It's a recurring obstacle for him, even if he occasionally overcomes it." -- Joe R] Meanwhile, Padmahontas assures Howie that his flavors were "spot on." The only thing that Howie felt he could have improved upon was letting the pork rest longer before he sliced it. Colicchio wants to know if they ate other dishes, and both guys talk about how much they loved each other's. Howie admits he was worried about his dish, "But when I got called in here with him, I said, 'If I'm in here with him, I gotta be in good shape.'" Chef Frumkin announces that Howie is the winner of the challenge and presents a bottle of "very, very nice" Argentinean wine as his prize. Howie stands there, nodding, until Joey pats him on the back, prompting him to stride up and accept his glories. Padmahontas sends them off with secret instructions on who to call back.
In the back, Hung pulls at his jean cuffs and mutters, defiantly, "I know my dish was good." Howie and Joey arrive and Joey points at Howie as the winner and then emphatically starts the applause. Howie has a little speech to make, "I just want to say that because this guy was standing to me and he had my favorite dish there that I'm giving this bottle to him because I think he had the best dish of the day." Joey accepts the bottle and pulls Howie into a hug so Howie's comment, "I'm sharing this with Joey" is muffled. So, is he giving him the bottle or is he sharing it with him? Or maybe he's giving him the wine and sharing the victory? Or maybe it's a one bottle, one glass, two mouths sort of thing. In recent episodes, the winner has often called the losers up but here, Joey's doing it. He admits he doesn't like performing this task, but the Judges want Casey, Sara N., Lia, and Hung. Does he take grim pleasure in naming Hung?
In front of the Judges' the losers stand, a single line. Starting with Hung, Gail asks if he knows why he's there. "I'm not sure -- was it too…classic?" Hung asks. God, that's sort of like asking, "Was it too…perfect?" Gail reminds him they were actually looking for classic Latin flavors. Colicchio asks why he went for that dish. "Because that's a very Latin dish, Arroz con Pollo," Hung shrugs defiantly. Just because you know how to pronounce it doesn't make it good. "The rice was dry and under-seasoned a little bit -- " Colicchio says. "Under-seasoned? I thought it was HIGHLY seasoned -- I was afraid I was here for HIGHLY seasoned," Hung interrupts. I thought you were afraid you were there because it was too classic -- get your story straight. Colicchio doesn't really know what else to say to Hung and just says, "Okay," and seems to dismiss him. "I don't think it was bad enough that you had to drink water and spit it out," Hung goes on. Colicchio agrees, it wasn't that bad. "That's not the level we're at," Padmahontas interjects. Colicchio agrees and reaffirms that they have a group of very talented chefs and no one is making anything that anyone is spitting out. Alluding to the Telemundians, Chef Frumkin says, "Everyone was not happy with the final Arroz con Pollo." "I understand that's…your personal decision," Hung says. Um, no, it's the personal decision of all the Telemundians who ate your dish. Colicchio compliments Hung's knife skills. Hung grins and prepares to preen. "Just one word of advice, be very careful with your knife because you almost cut Casey," Colicchio continues, "Please be careful." Hung has enough training in him to recognize a command when he hears it. "Yes, Chef," he bows and shuts up. Moving on to Casey, she knew her rice sucked, so she's not surprised to be there, but she was happy with her coffee sauce result. However, Colicchio's not sure if it was really Latin at all. , Lia defends her dish decisions and admits it wasn't traditional but they are on the show to stretch their creativity as chefs. Colicchio wants to know if Lia is surprised to be there. "Not…entirely," Lia hedges, but she definitely didn't think this was a dish that could send her home. Colicchio pauses for full effect, taking this in before giving a thoughtful, "Hm." Sara N. tells Padmahontes that she got the idea for her dish from a Mexican roommate she had in LA and she was doing a spin on it by adding scallops and charred corn. Sara N. admits that the dish wasn't mild, so perhaps the flavor of the scallops got lost in all of it. Padmahontes excuses them for the time being.
Returning to the back with Casey parading in front, the other cheftestants don't have a chance to say anything before Casey drawls, "We don't know anything. Not gonna keep y'all in suspense."
Judges' Table. When discussing Hung, Padmahontes notes that he really didn't think there was anything wrong with his dish. Chef Frumkin noticed that same aspect of his personality during the Quickfire. "He really thinks highly of himself and his cooking and sometimes, it's just not great," Colicchio agrees. "He's sort of arrogant about it, which makes me want to tell him how unperfect it was," Gail adds. There's going to come a point where Hung's blind support of his cooking is going to look like he can't tell good food from crap, and Colicchio is going to take the route of, "If you really believe that is good, then your palate is highly suspect." Gail points out that Sara N.'s dish wasn't even really an entrée, it was chips and dip. See, that there really pisses me off about the final decisions here. Chef Frumkin says all she tasted was guacamole. Gail is totally right about Sara N.'s dish; I mean, what did she really make? While the Latin flavors may not have been as obvious as the judges wanted and the texture a bit off, at least Lia tried to do something somewhat inventive. I think she put real creative thought into her dish while others fell back on mimicking dishes they already knew about. Gail didn't like how Lia's dish was mushy and unappealing on top of being bland, and Chef Frumkin notes that it had no balance of flavors. "Even if it hadn't been Latin and that wasn't part of the challenge, it would have still…[dramatic pause to illustrate how her acting lessons are paying off] been inedible." Colicchio thinks "inedible" is a little rough, "It just wasn't good; it wasn't flavorful."
Cut to the back where Lia is telling CJ that the Judges flat out didn't like her dish. Sitting primly to CJ with her legs crossed, Casey says, "That can be so…up in the air." She illustrates "up in the air" with a theatrical arm flourish.
Colicchio doesn't know if Lia's dish was as bad as Casey's mushy rice and dry chicken. He adds, "And that dish wasn't Latin either." Chef Frumkin really didn't get the coffee mole thing. "That…coffee…molasses…syrup, it was like cough syrup," Padmahontes says, thinking she's Bourdaining it. Colicchio can't get past the dry chicken and overcooked rice. Again, I think Lia's dish came off better than Casey's. What's worse -- mushy rice and dried chicken with a bitter sauce or textureless trout with no flavor? Add to that the comment about Hung's dish killing Arroz con Pollo for that Telemundian chick, and I just don't think it's fair Lia went home. Padmahontas makes a heartfelt comment about how hard it is to make a decision between so many talented chefs, but she thinks they've reached one.
With the four losers standing in front of them again, Colicchio sums up all their failures, and then Padmahontas tells Lia to pack up her knives. Lia nods and thanks them. Casey heaves a big sad sigh, preparing herself to let loose with an onslaught of histrionics. Casey again leads the way to the back and before Lia even clears the doorway, Casey is saying sobberingly, "The very talented and inspiring chef Lia will be going home!" Oh my God -- make it more about you, why don't you? I mean, when you see someone sobbing, what is your reaction going to be? If you're nice, it's going to be to hug the crying person, not the dry-eyed one, so the reaction would be to comfort Casey, not Lia. Furthermore, given that Lia was not really crying at this point, she's probably feeling that maybe she needs to console Casey even though SHE IS THE ONE BEING SENT HOME! Sure enough, Lia grabs Casey in a hug and pats her back, as the rest gather around. Lia tells us she's both sad and embarrassed to be leaving so early because she knows she's a better cook than that. In the background, Sara M. holds hands over her mouth in shock. Hugs all around and applause and Casey is wiping more tears and Lia hugs her again and last and leaves. Lia tells us she's not going to stop cooking, she loves food and feeding people. "It's fun," she says
time: Oh my stars -- what have they done to Rocco DiSpirito? His hair is horribly highlighted, yes, but that's not the problem. There's something wrong with his face. It doesn't look like his. It's like when Mark Hamill got in that car accident and he came back with his face completely rearranged. It does not look natural and you gotta ask yourself, "Has failure spoiled Rocco DiSpirito?"