Gone Fishhookin'

By Keckler

Last week, Stephen was pretentious and Miguel grossed me out.

Brian is happy he was one of the top three in the last Elimination Challenge, but he's sorry that Andrea left. "Andrea really... " Brian says to Dave, "her body is so hot." Cut to Andrea doing roof yoga. "But her display of food was so wack." Aside from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns, who says "wack" any more? Brian continues to a not-really-listening Dave (who, I should add, has a sleep mask pushed up on his forehead -- the better to absorb all those tears), "Her ass was bananas." I don't know what the hell that means. And I'm not even drunk yet. I'm starting to wish I were. Dave tells us that people are starting to show their true colors. I really don't think he means that in a complimentary Cyndi Lauper kind of way. Dave tells us that Brian is not on his A-list. "There's more ass left, though," Brian continues. I think it's hysterical that Top Chef so wanted to make sure we understood how lecherous Brian is that they captioned that line for us.

Candice rambles for us that knows she is the youngest one in the house but she wants to know that she can handle whatever anyone tells her and learn to be an adult and grow into the adult world. Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile! From the youngest chef-testant, we go to the oldest. Poor Cynthia reminds us that her father is dying and she's having a hard time concentrating on the competition. Seriously, Cynthia, it's not worth it; go home. Be with your family.

Quickfire Challenge. Lisa says they walked into the kitchen for the Quickfire kitchen, "and as soon as we opened the door you could smell this fawwwwl odor." The Katie Leebot introduces Laurent Manrique, who is responsible for a handful of fish-filled Bay Area restaurants, but most notably Aqua. Tiffani makes sure to inform us that she knows all about Laurent Manrique and Aqua. Give the girl a star for reading Gourmet. Katie Leebot informs them that their Quickfire is "Nasty Delights" (that should have been last week's Elimination Challenge title), and tells them to remove the silver lids in front of them. They all lift and expose a platter of octopus. Candice tell us, "I'd never honestly cooked octopus before. It was just ugly and it stunk and everybody was grossed out by it." I fucking LOVE octopus. Especially when it's char-grilled by Chef Michael Stebner at Region in San Diego. So, we were first told that this Quickfire was called "Nasty Delights," which is also the name of the episode, but now the chyron says "Take Disgusting to Delicious." Make up your damn minds, Bravo! Katie Leebot informs them that one of a chef's biggest challenge is to take something that is "so visually disgusting" and make it taste so good that you forget how it looks. Is octopus really that visually disgusting? I'd have thought that intestines, brains, sweetbreads, or even escargot would have been more of a challenge. But maybe that's just my own food issues talking. Except for the snails, which I gobble up at every butter-drenched opportunity. They have sixty minutes and the entire contents of the Top Chef pantry at their disposal.

Food flurry. Tiffani thinks that expecting them to properly prepare octopus in sixty minutes is like expecting someone to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in thirty. Stephen tells us, "Once again I incorporated spirits into my cooking. As usual, a sommelier utilizing the wine." As usual, a recapper utilizing a FISHHOOK. The Katie Leebot marches in and says, "Okay guys, five minutes, get moving." Cynthia mutters that she just can't do it as she fiddles with her presentation. Time's up.

Katie Leebot comes back in with Chef Laurent. Starting with Tiffani, the tasting begins. Tiffani explains, "What I wanted to do here was two very simple preparations on a decidedly Mediterranean ingredient." She has a "quick tomato succo [sauce/juice] with octopus frit [fried crispity thing], finished with a little bit of basil, some mint, and some chive," and a purple tangle of wine-braised angel hair pasta with cold octopus that she "braised off slightly" before grilling it. Chef Laurent tastes and says calmly, "It's good. Thank you." Stephen explains his (once again) pretentiously minimalist plate: "I utilized the tentacles of the octopus today. I have two different cooking methods." His dish is described as "Octopus Tentacle Duet," which is currently being performed at the San Francisco Ballet. It's a square white plate, and there are tiny pieces of octopus lined up in three rows. The fourth row is a smear of something. Stephen's presentation doesn't look like food, it looks like when paleontologists lay out dinosaur bones on the ground before attempting to reconstruct the whole. The slices of tentacle look like vertebrae. Stephen instructs Chef Laurent which direction he should be eating -- toward the smear. I hate smears.

Stephen tells us, "When I looked at my dish compared to the others, I totally thought I won the Quickfire Challenge for the octopus." Man, he's like a broken record of Sweatin' to the Egos. "Everything on the plate was just really well-balanced and it looked beautiful," Stephen goes on. Lisa braised octopus with a little orange juice and then added thyme and chive. Chef Laurent tastes, says "good," and thanks her. Cynthia presents her dish: octopus with a tarragon-whisky sauce. "Is it tender?" she asks as he takes a bite. Chef Laurent explains that octopus has a tendency to be rubbery. Since it's a voice-over, it's hard to tell if he's speaking generally or about Cynthia's dish specifically. However, Cynthia says, "It still needs to be a little more tender but you know, I put a cork in the water." Yeah, you did! Chef Laurent is impressed and says that few people know about that trick. "Well, I've been around for a long time, so, you know," Cynthia laughs. "What is the cork in the water?" the Katie Leebot drones mechanically and also rather inanely. "It helps tenderize the octopus," Cynthia explains. "Leetle trick, actually, from Seeceely," Chef Laurent says.

Dave made a marinated and grilled Chinese five-spice octopus with a little cinnamon and ginger. Harold explains that he started his poached and grilled octopus with lentils by poaching the octopus in a lot of acid and then grilling it "hard" to give it some additional texture and caramelization. Chef Laurent asks if Harold specifically chose the particular type of lentils. Harold says he's worked with that kind of lentil before. What's the big? They look like yellow lentils, but even if they were green Le Puy or black Beluga, I still don't get why Chef Laurent would ask so specifically about them unless they tasted crappy. Lee Anne has produced a citrus-poached octopus over a Mediterranean saffron cake and tomatoes. Chef Laurent asks what she did with the rest of the octopus, a question they don't show him asking anyone else. Lee Anne smiles that she's going to deep-fry the rest. is Brian, who says, "I kinda winged it." Chef Laurent notes that there's a lot of ingredients. It appears to be a creamy stew with the octopus as a garnish. Ew, cream and seafood just never works for me. Actually, I never think anything in the dairy family -- aside from butter -- should be paired with sea creatures of any kind. Candice has made a sweet and spicy octopus curry with a molded couscous cake sitting on top. Stephen and Tiffani look like they're exchanging snide remarks about Candice's dish. Birds of a feather are assholes together. Finally, Miguel has braised his octopus in red wine, and that's all they really tell us about his dish. Chef Laurent asks Miguel why he chose red wine over white. "I feel it cuts out the fishy flavor octopus tends to have and it gives it a really nice bite," Miguel responds.

Chef Laurent address the cheftestants and, acknowledging that octopus is a difficult ingredient, he tells him he was very impressed by their dishes overall. He didn't really like Cynthia's or Dave's, though. He said Dave was missing basic salt and pepper. In the conchefional, Dave bleats, "It's Cooking 101 -- season everything, and I didn't because I was flustered and I keep slipping on basic fundamentals." Don't cry. Chef Laurent continues that he was very impressed by four of them: Tiffani, Lee Anne, Stephen, and Miguel. Tiffani is the winner, and she is just so obnoxious about it in the conchefional: "I feel like my food has been good all the way across the board, and I don't feel like that's being recognized by the other contestants." First of all, who gives a fuck whether or not the other contestants recognize your talent? They aren't the ones deciding the outcome of the competition. Second of all, maybe it's because they hate you.

The Katie Leebot announces the new Elimination Challenge. They will divide into two teams and work with "another delicious but not so visually appealing seafood: the monkfish." Yeah, that is one ugly mo-fi (monkerfisher, it's a technical term). Luckily, you only eat the tail, or gigot, of the monster. I know they are bottom-feeders but I would not want to encounter one of those when on a random swim in very cold water. Here's a neat fact: "Monkfish are sometimes known as 'allmouth' since the fish is mostly head and the head is mostly mouth." I think Tiffani is a monkfish. The cheftestants have to design an entire meal around the fish, and the day they will be serving the meal to forty "very demanding, fussy eaters: they're all between the ages of eight and twelve." Whatever, just make fish sticks and be done with it. That was practically the only food my little sister would eat. She used to dip them in honey, which grosses me out to this day. Tiffani shrugs to us, "I didn't really want to put myself in a position to be judged by ten-year-olds because I know what they're looking for and that's not my food." Doesn't matter; for the twenty-four hours, those ten-year-old are your guests, your public, so stop whining that it's not your food and get with the program. Bitching about your standards isn't going to get you anywhere with Colicchio and Simmons.

They draw knives to decide teams. Lisa thinks whoever has her on their team will win because she's got an eight- and nine-year-old at home, "I know what they like to eat." The Blue Team is: Lee Anne, Brian, Dave, Harold, and Tiffani. The Red Team is: Miguel, Stephen, Lisa, Candice, Cynthia. Stephen tells us that he finds Candice to be the weakest member of his team: "It's a bit hard for me to kind of come down her to level. I mean, I'd love to bring her up to my level, but that's not really possible." He is such a blistering prick.

The teams have thirty minutes to decide what to make, and then two team members will go shopping. Lisa tells her Red Team, "It has to be fun, it has to be finger food, and it has to have a dipping sauce." I totally agree. I also think it has to be fried. "I would have preferred some other challenge, I think the level of skill required for cooking for children isn't that high," Stephen tells us. Well, as we'll soon learn, it's a skill that almost none of these high-level chefs have mastered, so go stuff your garlic bulb of a head up a chicken's ass. On the Blue Team, Brian quietly suggests mashed yams as a side dish, but his team doesn't go for it because they already have "the tots." As in tater? Ooh, I have a bag of those -- snack time! Dave tells us that Brian doesn't understand what kids eat. Brian asks his team, "What if I put baked macaroni and cheese in an actual potato?" Sounds like kids would eat that. ["I would eat that right now, that sounds awesome." -- Sars] Dave shoots him down again. Brian's annoyed.

Back on the Red Team, Lisa suggests something that is "really, really lame, stupid, stupid easy called 'Ants on a Stick.'" My mom always called it "Ants on a Log," and sometimes she made it with cream cheese and other times with peanut butter. "How is that going to work with monkfish?" Stephen wonders. Frustrated Lisa tells us, "You don't get complicated and sophisticated when you're cooking food for kids." "We should just do monkfish stuff, nothing on the side," Stephen announces. Is he insane? Most of the things kids love are "on the side"! Stephen thinks they should make a cantaloupe soup with honeydew. Okay, no, because to kids? Melon is not a soup, it's a fruit and it doesn't belong in soup. Unless it's ice cream soup. God, he's such an idiot. Candice laughs to us, "Kids don't even know what a purée is!" Oh, don't worry, Candice, Stephen will educate them. Miguel has an idea to make corndogs with the monkfish and call them "Monkey Dogs." Inspired. Fried, cute name, and on a stick -- kids will love it. As long as they have a dipping sauce.

Blue Team. Harold wonders if there are any vegetables that kids like. Lee Anne thinks they can do carrots, so Brian suggests "candy carrots." The team agrees. Dave explains to us that they are going to do cereal-coated monkfish nuggets.

On the Red Team, they are deciding on ranch dressing and ketchup dipping sauces when Cynthia gets a call and has to go outside. Cynthia's cousin, who talks to her in such a cold and clinical way, tells Cynthia that her father is in a great deal of pain. The cousin is "concerned about setting up directives" and asks if Cynthia is able to come back. Cynthia tells us that her head hasn't been in the competition and it's probably the first time in her life that she's wanted nothing to do with food. Her father needs her.

After the commercial break, Cynthia calls everyone over and tells them that she's leaving immediately. As Cynthia tells them how much she's going to miss them, Dave wipes his eyes and Candice sniffs with a red nose and eyes. Hugs all around. Cynthia leaves. Lee Anne tells us that she thinks Cynthia is a very strong, funny, talented woman. Dave has come to love her in this brief time and he'll never forget her. Miguel promises to keep the craziness alive in her honor. "Move on," Stephen announces, "make a shopping list." They make it seem like Stephen's being extremely insensitive at that exact moment, but you can tell from the background in two successive shots that it was cut in from a slightly later moment. I'm sure they had their shopping lists together before Cynthia made her announcement, since they weren't all huddled together in teams when she called them together. Of course I think Stephen's a total ass, but he has ample opportunity to showcase that without Bravo cheating. Stephen tells us that the Red Team was down one person, but he wasn't worried because the team still had him and Miguel. See? Lisa and Candice will be the shoppers for the Red Team and Dave and Lee Anne for the Blue Team.

The shoppers speed through Berkeley Bowl. Man, I love that place. They have about fifteen varieties of everything. I didn't think there were limes other than Persian (regular), Key, and Palestinian. But I was so wrong. Stephen and Miguel call Candice and Lisa to bug them for not calling them. "We have, like, literally no time right now -- have you thought of anything else that you needed?" Candice asks. "Vino! Vino!" Stephen bounces. The hell? Candice tells him kids don't drink wine. "Put them to bed!" Miguel says. "Noooooowuh!" Candice shrieks, scandalized. She leans over to Lisa and says, "They want it for themselves. To drink." Lisa tells her they don't have time for this and orders her to get off the phone. Candice tells us, "Stephen doesn't give an F about anyone other than himself." "An F"? Really, Candice? Back in the kitchen, Miguel snarks, "They were thinking popsicle sticks and you said wine and they were all --" Miguel mimes confusion. "Yeah, they can't do two things at once," Stephen laughs. Well, we know you're different, Stephen, because you can be an asshole, a prick, and a smearing, smug sommelier all while looking like a freaking pharmacist in your chef's coat. You're talented. Stephen tells us that he doesn't really know why they were taking so long to do the shopping. Maybe because they had to drive all the way to the East Bay? Lee Anne tells us they found everything they needed, along with a few additional items they think the kids will enjoy.

The shoppers return. Candice tells Miguel and Stephen that she and Lisa thought they could be a little more creative and cut shapes. Stephen explains to us that Candice brought back "these molds in the shapes of, like, feet." Stephen says he was baffled. "This is childish," he tells Candice and Lisa. Um, duh? "Yeah, what are we doing? We're cooking for children," Candice reminds him. And here we go! "I have standards, unlike you do," Stephen tells Candice. "Oh, really?" Candice shoots back. "Yes," Stephen confirms, "obviously." Stephen tells us that he's less than a year older than Candice but he has a "really good jumpstart" on her. He doesn't think she gets it and therefore doesn't belong here. While Stephen is sharing this bit of asshattery with us, we are watching the scene unfold in the kitchen without hearing what they're saying. Lisa and Miguel watch. Miguel looks enthralled, Lisa bored. There's arm-waving and yelling. "Obviously, you're a tool and a douchebag!" Candice informs Stephen. YES! I love that line! "Can you think of anything smarter?" Stephen asks her. "Please, humor me." I don't know what they're talking about now, but Candice refuses to humor him and just repeats that he is a tool. "You will not succeed and you will fail. Horribly." Candice just stares at him, rather gobsmacked. Harold tells us that as a chef and a leader, it's very important to be a teacher. "Stephen's picking on Candice just based on inexperience, and I have a little bit of a problem with that," Harold adds. "The competition is called 'Top Chef,'" Stephen says, drawing his finger across the left side of his chef coat. "Do you know how to read? Do you understand what this competition is --" "No, I'm stupid," Candice snaps, "I'm a child!" "I don't accept mediocrity, that's it," Stephen announces. "Fine! Then go and call me mediocrity or whatever. Use your fancy, stupid, fucking words!" Not "fancy, stupid, effing words"? Candice yells at Stephen to get over himself. Stephen conchefionals that Candice's skills and presentation are "lacking" and that she doesn't understand what the competition is all about. Miguel finally tries to break them up: "We're down a person, guys, there's four of us, and by youse twos arguing tomorrow, we're going to kill ourselves." "Brother, it's going to be a piece of cake, don't worry," Stephen assures him. Lisa asks if they can't just agree to do the project. Candice stalks off somewhere. The other team watches in awe. Brian looks like he's laughing, which is rather dickish of him. "No one has ever spoken like that to me in my life -- how dare Stephen try to downsize me," Candice tells us tearfully.

It's the day and Lisa says Candice is still upset over her scuffle with Stephen. Lisa says, "I'm thinking, I'm the only one who has kids in this age group and if I don't win... !" Stephen and his maniacally gelled hair say that Candice annoys him and he doesn't respect her. In the conchefional, he leans forward and says prissily, "If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, you know, it is best to remove yourself." Jesus Christ on a crostini! He can't even unbend to get an idiom right. Harold tells us they will be serving lunch at the Boys and Girls Club. Lee Anne details the Blue Team's menu: monkfish nuggets, cheesy tater tots (yum!), strawberry applesauce, and Brian's maple carrots. The Red Team is putting out monkfish corn dogs, potato chips, fruit skewers, and a yogurt dipping sauce. I hope that's for the fruit skewers and not the monkfish dogs. Miguel describes the yogurt dipping sauce as a "crazy red and blue yogurt." The Katie Leebot arrives to announce that as the Red Team is down one member, they are bringing someone in to help. Lee Anne laughs in the conchefional that she thought it was going to be Colicchio. Lisa conchefionals that she was afraid it was going to be Ken. It's Andrea. Everyone cheers. Well, almost everyone. Andrea tells us that Stephen "looked kinda ghastly white." She guesses he didn't expect to ever see her again. Stephen tells us that Andrea was on their team and she's not fast, "she's more of a simple workhorse." Better a workhorse than a horse's ass.

Brian tells us that the Boys and Girls Club means everything to him because it's where he started when he was poor and his father left his mother with five kids. At one point we see something orange-ish in a pan and Harold asks, "Is it gross?" Tiffani tells him, "It's fucking nasty." Harold shrugs, "But they're kids, so... " Tiffani agrees. Harold tells us that while he didn't agree with it, Brian had wanted to make the carrots soft, so they have him the benefit of the doubt. Yeech.

Colicchio checks in with the Red Team and wonders if kids like yogurt. "They like BLUE yogurt!" Lisa announces. Colicchio tries one of the monkfish doggies and seems to think they are okay. Because she has experience with kids, Lisa is the team leader. Colicchio tells us, "If they win, Lisa's going to look like the hero, but I'm sure if that team goes down, there's going to be a lot of finger-pointing."

Checking in with the Blue Team, Colicchio is interested in the cereal-crusted fish nuggets that are going to be baked, not fried. Colicchio notes Dave's Japanese headband and wonders if he's going to throw himself on his sword if they lose. "Yeah, I might," Dave gasps. He would, too. And then he'd cry. The Blue Team doesn't have a team leader, they're just all working at the same level. Colicchio samples the strawberry applesauce and notes that the other team is using food coloring. "Unnecessary," Tiffani announces.

As time winds down, Stephen tells us, "I put a lot of weight on Miguel and I and not really so much on Lisa, and Candice, and Andrea -- they were just in charge of the fruit." Stephen tells Candice to start packing things up. Lee Anne tells us that the Blue Team had no problem prepping and cooking, they're all professionals and they worked hard. Stephen makes some comment that they got everything done that they needed to get done but they took an "unexpected road" to get there.

At the Boys and Girls Club of San Francisco, the teams set up. The Red Team squabbles a bit and Stephen orders them not to talk anymore. Miguel thinks that "as far as certain people goes," Stephen's attitude sucks. Lee Anne tells us that the Blue Team operated much more smoothly and didn't bicker. Over on the Red Team, Stephen lets an entire chafing dish of food fall to the floor. Candice says that she decided to let the whole thing between her and Stephen go in order to get the job done.

The kids are sent screaming in. The Katie Leebot asks if the kids like pizza and hamburgers and they all shriek their approval. "Well, what about fish?" she asks. They all "eewwwwwww" loudly. The Katie Leebot tells them that the cheftestants have created special dishes for them using monkfish, and then offers to show them what a monkfish looks like. She whips the cover off the chafing dish that Colicchio is holding, and the kids freak. Tiffani is annoyed by this because kids are really, really impressionable. One kid announces, "I'm not gonna eat it!" The Katie Leebot explains that the cheftestants are going to serve their fishy meals, and the kids are going to decide which they like better.

Dave explains the food to the kids he's serving. Looks like the Blue Team has barbeque sauce and ketchup as their dipping sauces. Smart choice. As Candice explains the blue and red yogurt to the kids, one of them opines, "Oh, God, it's neat!" "We're, like, crazy about that yogurt!" a kid tells the camera. Another kid says, "We like the Red Team better." But trust Stephen to change their minds. He tells the kids, "That's a mango ketchup." Dude, just tell them it's ketchup and leave the freakin' mango out of it! Tiffani points out to Harold, "They are, like, so not entertained by Stephen." Stephen minces around and tells the kids, "That's a criss-cross chip. A potato chip." And he just can't leave it at that because he adds, "In French it's called gaufrette." In French you're called gaufreak. Cluelessly, Stephen tells us, "I was explaining to the children how we made the dish, trying to give them some sort of an experience, you know, educationally." As a polar opposite, Brian dashes around the kids, easily interacting with them. He says he sees himself in the kids. EPIPHANY! When Brian says that Andrea's ass was "bananas," he meant "crazy." As in "crazy tight" or "crazy hot"! Am I right? The thing is, calling someone's ass "bananas" conjures up a really weird, and not very complimentary, image. A few kids say they like the Blue Team's fish and might go back for seconds.

Dave and Miguel also interact with the kids. Miguel leads them in a "Red! Red! Red!" chant. Brian dances somewhere else and tells us that the rest of his team wasn't backing up his interaction. We cut to Harold, Lee Anne, and Tiffani watching from the sidelines. Tiffani tells us, "You know, I wasn't going to go do the monkfish nugget interpretive dance for the kids. I just felt like the challenge put us in position to pander to them in order for them to like our food and I felt it was slightly disrespectful to the kids." Ah, I see now! You didn't interact with the kids because you respect them too much. ["And also because you can sense they don't like you. Because you're a pucker." -- Sars]

The judges come in to ask each table of kids what they thought. Gail tells a girl that she has to eat her carrots too. "But they're soft," the girl pleads. Another kid didn't like the applesauce. That's two shown strikes against the Blue Team. The judges take a raised-hand vote. The Red Team's Monkey Dogs get twenty-three votes and the Blue Team's nuggets get only fourteen. The Blue Team celebrates. Even in the face of victory, Stephen can't be generous as he tells us, "We won the competition but if we were to lose, we would have lost one of our team members. I know it wouldn't have been myself -- everything I executed was totally on point." Including your excessively gelled hair. Harold tells us, "I don't think the kids gave a crap what they ate. I think they were more entertained by Miguel than they were by us. The last time I checked, I'm not an entertainer, I'm a chef." Oh, Harold, how little you seem to know here. For a lot of people, food is entertainment, and a lot of chefs do approach it that way. I mean, we have an entire network devoted to "food as entertainment." "We cooked for a bunch of kids who don't have a palate," Tiffani tells us, "all they know is greasy, salty, and sugar." I'm not even going to comment on that little morsel of condescension, but I will say that palate or not, kids know what they like and that was the damn challenge, so get off your high horse because you FAILED. HORRIBLY.

Judges' Table. This is one of my favorite Colicchio moments. The Katie Leebot reminds the Blue Team that they lost and one of them is going home. Colicchio wonders where it all fell apart for them. "It didn't fall apart," Tiffani says, with defiantly crossed arms. "There was a lot of... influence beyond the food in this competition." Harold says he thought the food that was put out by both teams was comparable. Yeah, but where the Red Team had blue and red yogurt, you had strawberry applesauce. And where the Red Team had fruit skewers, you had mushy carrots. However, Harold adds that the other team did a better job of promoting their food. I've noticed that Harold carefully chooses his words throughout this whole competition. That last comment of his didn't necessarily come off as a critique, as Tiffani's did, but more as an acknowledged fact. Colicchio says that since the kids liked both fish preparations, it all comes down to the side dishes. Harold points out that their food was definitely more nutritious. Do kids care about that? Colicchio responds by pointing out that they fried the cheesy tater tots. "Yeah, but we offered a vegetable," Harold counters. "They offered fruit," the Katie Leebot counters right back. So did Harold's team -- the strawberry applesauce. Instead of saying that, Harold says they chose to bake the signature ingredient.

"This wasn't a challenge that tested any type of skills of a professional chef," Tiffani notes while lounging in her chair. "I think this was a challenge about the customer," Gail points out. "Sure!" Tiffani instantly responds, on bootlicking autopilot. "And isn't that part of what being a chef and cooking is all about?" Gail wonders. "The palate of a ten-year-old isn't a sophisticated tool by any stretch of the imagination," Tiffani says. Man, she really doesn't know when to stop, does she? Apparently not. She goes on, "Children in this country eat crap and nothing but crap, and if it doesn't come with a toy, they're not interested in it, so I'm not going to throw a bunch of food coloring in food just to appeal to a crowd of ten-year-olds. I'm not going to do it." Colicchio looks down in his lap during this little speech of hers, which, by the way, is pretty insulting to children. Adults in this country eat crap -- hell, adults this country are obese and most of it is a result from eating crap -- so the purported lack of a child's sophisticated palates doesn't enter into it. Chef Laurent says calmly, "As a professional chef, you will have, sometimes, very demanding customers who are going to ask you to do something you don't like to do." "You're never going to find me in a situation where I'm will to compromise the integrity of food in order to do anything. I'm not going to go into Craftsteak and ask Tom to deep-fry my steak for me," Tiffani retorts. "People do, and you do what you have to do," Colicchio says, rather noncommittally. Tiffani asks Colicchio if there have been times that he's flat-out said he's just not going to do something. "Almost never," Colicchio admits. "Almost? Exactly, almost never," Tiffani smugs. Uh, I hate to break this to you, Tiff, but you're no James-Beard-Award-Winning Tom Colicchio, so you don't actually get to compare your choices to his. You're just starting out. No one knows you, and no one's gonna know you if you keep on with this attitude. Colicchio finally leaps in with, "It's a good thing you have immunity because your attitude is lousy." That wipes the smug smirk right off Tiffani's face. Colicchio continues with the lecture that in the restaurant business, they make people happy, "and I don't care how you do that, that's what you do." Tiffani's impassive. I hate her face.

Switching gears, Gail asks about the carrots and whose idea they were. Brian owns up to them. Colicchio tells him the kids were complaining they were overcooked. "Yeah, that's how I do them," Brian says, "that's exactly how I do them and I do them for kids that way." Harold admits that he thought the carrots were overcooked, but Brian confirmed to him that was the intent. Bringing up the strawberry applesauce, which the kids hated, Colicchio asks who made that. Tiffani did. "The kids hated it," Colicchio repeats for emphasis. Tiffani shrugs, "I'm not insulted by a bunch of ten-year-olds saying they hated my applesauce." Bitch? THEY'RE YOUR CUSTOMERS! You may not be insulted, but you should CARE! Chef Laurent asks who their team leader is, because they needed a team leader. Brian brings up some bullshit about Dave being the team leader. Dave frowns around him and asks his other teammates if they had that impression. Brian continues on that when Colicchio asked about their team leader, he heard someone saying something about Dave. What? They all specifically said they didn't have a team leader. Lee Anne affirms that they all worked as a team. The judges ask the Blue Team to point fingers at the weak link in their team. Lee Anne doesn't think any of them should go, but Dave throws Brian under the bus. His reasoning is something about Brian supposedly always feeling as though they weren't listening to him or taking his ideas. Brian reminds the judges how he made a big effort to go out and interact with the kids, just the way the entire Red Team was doing. Dave points out that he did it as well. Once again Brian fingers Dave as the team leader and blames him for not making sure the entire Blue Team interacted with the kids the same way the Red Team did. Tiffani thinks Brian should go because of the mushy carrots. Lee Anne sticks by her original feeling that she doesn’t want to send anyone home that day because they all worked extremely well together. Harold decides to pick himself because of what Chef Laurent said about recognizing and taking responsibility when something doesn't work out. It's a noble move that -- because this isn't Trump's show -- will be rewarded. The judges have heard enough. The Blue Team exits.

Deliberating, Gail points out that they were so proud not to have a leader, "but what is the word 'chef' but the word 'chief' in French." What a weird point to make. Colicchio points out that they all did say there wasn't a team leader in his presence, proving that Brian's claim was bullshit. It was such a strangely random bullshit claim as well. Like, why lie unless it's that Brian has watched way too much Apprentice and thinks the leader is more exposed to being sent home. That actually ends up being what Colicchio points out. Colicchio reminds them that Brian overcooked the carrots. Colicchio was really proud of the kids for pointing it out. "And then we have Tiffani over there talking down to her clients," Colicchio says, and adds that if Tiffani didn't have immunity they'd be having a different discussion. I don't know about that. Perhaps having immunity made Tiffani feel as though she could shoot her mouth off with no fear of consequences. Colicchio wonders if Harold took the high road just to make himself look good, but Chef Laurent thinks Harold was honestly saying he should have dealt with the issues he saw as being problematic in their menu. Gail points out that this is the second time Dave's been at the Judges' Table and adds to that the fact that he forgot to season his octopus. Chef Laurent thinks that could be a major comment on his abilities.

The Blue Team is brought back in. Colicchio dresses down everyone but Lee Anne. He tells Harold he took responsibility a little too late, reminds Dave about his unseasoned octopus, and tells Brian that though they liked how he engaged the kids, his carrots were overcooked, and he tried to finger Dave as the leader when Colicchio specifically was told by all of them that they had no leader. Immunity be damned, Colicchio finally tells Tiffani that she better start respecting her clients. The Katie Leebot drones, "Brian, most of your teammates pointed the finger at you and we agree with them. Please pack your knives and go." Brian thanks them and leaves.

Lisa and Miguel are immediately sorry to hear that Brian's being sent home. Lee Anne hugs him and looks like she's in tears. She interviews that she really didn't want to see any of them go home: "If it was my choice, I'd send Stephen home on the Red Team." She makes a gagging face. Dave says that his team stood behind him and insisted he wasn't the leader when Brian was trying to convince the judges he was to blame, "and it ended up being the nail in his coffin." Brian leaves. "If there was a weakness on that plate, it was those dang carrots. Brian put himself in a position to make excuses as opposed to just stepping up and accepting responsibility for bad food," Dave continues. Brian tells us that if he had to do it again, he would change nothing. He didn't insult anyone, he wasn't disrespectful -- except for talking about how much banana ass was still left, right? -- and he knows that he gave his all. "Yes, I'm going home tonight but this is not the last you will hear from me. I'm Brian Fellows!" I swear that's what I thought he was going to say. He intoned it perfectly No, he really says, "I'm Brian Hill: professional chef to the stars in L.A., don't get it twisted." Don't get what twisted? The banana asses?