Bye Bye, Turdie

By Keckler

This recap is brought to you by the gracious, generous, gorgeous pinkgodzilla AND the gold car she drove in on.

Last week, Hubert Keller helped oust finger-lickin' Ken. This week, Katie Lee is still competing with Data for the title of Miss Android.

Ding-ding! The California streetcar San-Francisco-treats its way down Market. Cynthia is on the phone talking to someone about chemo treatments, which is explained when she tells us that she found out her father has cancer just as she was getting on the Top Chef plane. Cynthia said she questioned even going through with Top Chef, but her father encouraged her to leave. To leave him to die. I'm sorry, but the chance to be on a reality show would never convince me to leave a dying parent, spouse, sibling, friend, or cat. I don't care what they said to me, it just wouldn't fly and neither would I.

Andrea does rooftop yoga and says that she's going to work on her presentation skills. For Candice, being in the bottom three last week was a size 2 disappointment, because food and cooking is who she is and she wants to show people that. Tiffani bitches (surprise, surprise) that she was disappointed she didn't win last week. She really wants the cash and she will never forget that. And now? Neither will I.

This week's Quickfire challenge is all about presentation. We already know that Andrea and Candice are royally screwed, right? Elizabeth Falkner, the chef and owner of Citizen Cake, is the guest judge. In the kitchen, Tiffani smugs at Falkner. "She's famous for her avant-garde pastry designs," Katie Leebot drones. (And for the fact that her food has become overpriced, over-lauded, oversold crap.) Tiffani breathlessly tells us that she was pumped that Falkner was the judge, since she's aware of her work at CC and also because they were both featured in the same magazine article about "queer women in the kitchen." AND they both have vaginas! Imagine. Katie Leebot explains they will be judged on a dessert fruit plate: "In front of you is a bowl of fruit, a cutting board, and a plate." If they need that explained to them, none of them, I MEAN NONE OF THEM, belong on this show. This is a test of knife skills, creativity, and ingenuity. They have thirty minutes. Falkner smiles at Katie Leebot all, "Do you want to be featured in the same magazine article with me? And by 'magazine article,' I mean 'bed.'"

The chefs work, yanking out Wüsthof knives and Y-peelers. Andrea blathers how the chefs around her were getting all Swedish Chef with their fruit, but what she really wanted to do is put the whole basket of fruit on the table. Okay. God knows I love the easy way out in the kitchen, but come ON, Andrea! Do you really think you could get away with that in a real restaurant? Hello? Your patrons go to the farmer's markets and buy fruit and put them in baskets. They don't go to your restaurant and pay good money for you to go to the farmer's market, put fruit in baskets, and put that in front of them. Just stop with the earthy-crunchy, yoga-lolly crap and get with the vibe of the competition. Brian thinks this is a piece of (sexy) cake because he does this for his celeb clients all the time. Stephen sneers, "At this point I feel I'm little bit above cutting fruit and just scattering it all over the place." Oh, how I wish Gordon was here to butterfly him a few new ones! That should totally be the Hell's Kitchen, by the way. It would be an emulsion of Gordon's Kitchen Nightmares and Hell's Kitchen and be called Gordon's Cheffing Nightmares. All the competitive cooking reality-show castoffs would be shunted into Hell's Kitchen and Gordon would have his dog's dinner way with them. It would be such a beautiful thing. Although it might give poor Gordon a heart attack. Behind all the profanity, kicking, and throwing food, you can tell that he feels deeply and personally hurt when someone fucks up. Check out his face, it gets all screwed up like he's about to cry. You can't help but feel for the guy in that kitchen full of egos and idiots.

Stephen wants to "deconstruct" the whole thing and "blow everybody out of the water." Throwing up would be the ultimate in deconstruction. Lisa tells us she's never done a fruit plate, but her mother did them all the time. So did my mother! She sliced bananas and piled them in the center of the plate. , she placed orange segments and apple slices all around the exterior. She called them "arrangements" and I ate them while watching Zoom. I loved them. Miguel makes with some serious knife skills, and a banana broils on a burner. Tiffani tosses something in a pan and Lee Anne blowtorches a few raspberries. Awesome. For me, crème brûlée or crème caramel is like a dessert course of phlegm, but I still really want one of those mini blowtorches. I think my cats will respect me more if I have one. At the very least, they'll stop waking me up at 3 AM. Tiffani calls out lazily, "Blow torch? Who has it?" It's handed over, and Tiffani can't get it to work at first. Katie Leebot and Falkner return, and Katie Leebot instructs them to stop immediately. "I'm ready for a cocktail," Harold mutters. Oh, I got your cocktail, honey!

Starting with Lisa, the chefs explain their fruit plates. Lisa used the very top of the pineapple, which is... nice, but very hotel buffet-y. She cut the pineapple into thick wedges that won't be easy to wrangle without it getting really messy. Her strawberries are predictably fanned, but her figs are nicely pared into tulips. My biggest complaint is that her orange -- which she turned into a flower and adorned with a raspberry -- not only looks like a horrible fifties throwback, but also couldn't be consumed without shoving your chin and nose into it. Lisa says, "I had no plan." That much is obvious. Falkner asks what the point of the pineapple top is. Lisa just wanted to start big and get small. Wrong answer, because Falkner has "always had a little bit of an issue with just having something on the plate unless you can eat it or eat out of it." Stephen says, "When I saw the pineapple top, I just started laughing. Rule number one in culinary school: never provide any dysfunctional garnishes ever. If you can't eat it, don't put it on." Actually, rule number one in culinary school is don't horribly, brutally, accidentally murder someone to death with their own paring knife when they sneer at your work with an overly gelled coif. But he is right, don't put it on the plate unless you can put it in your mouth.

Brian's plate isn't much better. He also has a pineapple top plopped down in the midst of sliced fruit, and additionally, he's shaken cinnamon or something all over the plate. One of the chefs at my culinary school would have shrieked, "MESSY!" grabbed his plate, dumped fruit and all in the drain, and scrubbed it down. He hated extraneous chopped parsley, chocolate shavings, and the like. At least Brian has a sense of humor: "I too believe that you shouldn't have something on the plate unless you can eat it -- that's why I put that there." They all laugh, but Falkner rebukes him for putting out something less than stellar. "Well, it was the twenty-third hour for me, all right?" Brian says. Falkner says a Top Chef doesn't think about hours, they just put out the best. And then they take credit for the cakes their actual pastry chefs put out, right, Elizabeth? Cynthia's sparse plate of pomelo slices and papaya seeds doesn't go over that well either. Tiffani tells us that Cynthia's plate looked like art, but you couldn't sit down and eat that art.

Tiffani tells Falkner that the fruits tasted out of season, so she wanted to bring out their flavors. She put together a presentation of brown butter, rosemary, and cinnamon apples with chive on a crostini (what does she think she's doing -- stuffing a pork loin? Way too much going on there). Her figs are filled with sour cream, cinnamon, sugar, ground ginger, and orange zest. That one is okay, because those flavors definitely mesh well. Falkner says, "It's very different from everybody else's because it is a fruit plate assignment." So, is she criticizing her for doing more than just plating the fruit, or is she complimenting her for cooking and adding other ingredients? I never could figure that out. When I first saw this episode, I thought Tiffani and Harold were going to get in trouble for not just sticking to cutting and plating fruit in an interesting way, because it was never explained that they were allowed to cook the fruit or use additional ingredients. Falkner likes that Tiffani considered the seasonality of the fruit. Whatever, it's California, just say "seasonality" and they'll throw you a fucking seventy-six trombone parade.

Dave is . His plate is a beautiful pile of fruit -- thoughtfully laid out -- with a ramekin of chocolate sauce. Falkner has seen too many fondues in her time and doesn't think Dave was that creative. Lee Anne's plate I really like. It's pretty, it's not overdone, and it looks professional. Too professional, though, because Falkner decides it looks far too much like buffets she's seen. It's not inventive enough.

Stephen shows his true pretentiousness with his fruit plate. It's twelve white espresso cups on a big white plate, and each cup has something in it. Stephen sneers to us, "Everyone else had fruit trays -- there were some very, very, VERY generic presentations and then there was my dish." Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've got the Dom Perignon in your hand and the spoon up your nose. The editors cut Stephen's fruit list down to three, so we all we hear is that he has: an emulsion of watermelon juice and olive oil (ew, but then, I'm not a watermelon fan); strawberries with salt and mint (pepper instead of salt may have been more Italian and less bizarre); and raspberries with tarragon and lemon juice (I really don't like tarragon -- it's my cilantro). Falkner is impressed, and Stephen makes sure to point out to us that Falkner told him he "took it to the level, which is [his] goal in the competition. " Is it your goal to be such a prick? Because, dude? GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAALLL!

Candice's buffet platter doesn't impress either, and Falkner thinks her heart cut-outs of the fruit are too much, "but it probably speaks to your personality." Candice nods exuberantly, not necessarily getting the insult. , we have Andrea. God, this challenge must've stuck her in fiber-filled heaven. Andrea explains that her mass of fruit -- some of which had only the briefest of encounters with a knife -- came about because she walked over to the basket and all she really wanted to do was put the basket on top of the plate. Falkner finds this interesting but wonders, if that was her thinking, why Andrea didn't go more minimal. Andrea interviews that it was actually her gut reaction to just shine up the apples and pears and put them on the plate. Guts, intestines, bowels -- it's all the same reaction for her.

Falkner likes the cornucopia effect of Miguel's fruit cubes. Harold, like Tiffani, has a few blurbs of fruit on a plate that he prepared beyond just slicing and dicing. His apple and pear stand-up fans are stunning, as are his watermelon bâtons, which he then stacked in a sort of off-kilter log cabin effect. Falkner appreciates his obvious knife skills and notes he must have experience working with sashimi. "I like the use of space," Katie Leebot interjects. No one asked you, and hey, what about using your emotion chip every once in awhile?

The winner is Stephen. "When I saw the other chefs' displays, I knew I was going to take that competition," Stephen tells us. FISHHOOK! Tiffani interviews that she was shocked Stephen won, because she thought Harold should have won, hands down. She's definitely not always the mega-bitch she becomes later; between her and Stephen, Stephen's way ahead in the Hard-Boiled Ego game. Harold was surprised by Stephen's win also because he knew some of Stephen's flavor combos didn't work. Apparently, Stephen even admitted to Harold that he didn't try all of his dishes, he just threw them together. Well, it's not like Falkner would have known even if she tasted them -- the only lavender in Citizen Cake's lavender pastries is in the title.

On top of the Baker Street roof -- with the Golden Gate perfectly situated in the background on an amazingly fogless day in that neighborhood -- the Katie Leebot tells them that they are invited to a party for the Elimination Challenge. They have to create a sexy dessert to serve to the guests. But before they get into that, the Bot wants to introduce them to their hostess. Their ho-stess. Bamp-chicka-chicka music plays as various crazy camera angles follow a bleached blond in a red latex dress. I guess it's a nurse motif because the yellow exterior corset has red crosses on it. Everyone starts to laugh and screech. Stephen just looks confused. See, Stephen? That's a wo-man! Both Brian and Tiffani appear to need a change of underwear. Nurse Naughty's also wearing red hip-to-be-square glasses and a pillbox top hat with a red feather in it. Not sure how nurse-ish it is, but I'm sure she's got multiple uses for that feather. She's like five fetishes rolled into one. Katie Leebot introduces them to Madam S, manager of the Mr. S fetish store. Andrea laughs over Miguel's mini-meltdown. "We are inviting fifty of our dearest friends and loyal customers. They're all going to be dressed in latex and leather or maybe nothing at all [Miguel whistles. Shut up, Miguel.], and we're looking for something outrageous and exciting, decadent, creamy. Something hot. Something big." The Bot tells them all the ingredients they need are in the kitchen, but they're being given fifty extra dollars to supplement. It's up to them to interpret sexy and to bang out awesome presentations. Andrea interviews that she's just going to pack her bags that night because her presentation sucks. Tiffani tells us, "The first thing that went through my mind is, 'I'm not a pastry chef.' There goes that challenge."

In the house, the chefs discuss what is sexy. Someone -- I think it's Dave -- says he's going to make a bunch of little hair pies. Miguel demands to know what a hair pie is. I'm so not explaining that one to him. Miguel suggests that all the guys could carry him in. What, like he's the dessert? I'd rather a hair pie. "Enough, enough, enough, enough," Stephen pleads. He's totally asexual.

The day, they go to a restaurant supply store called Economy. It's a totally awesome place. While shooting one of the Williams-Sonoma books, we broke our coffee carafe and they had an exact replacement the same day, thank god. Without coffee, that set would have been a crime scene. I also got the best tartlet pans and a handy muddler for myself. The chef-testants are there to pick out supplies for their sexy foods. They all look at stuff. Brian's nervous about his chances since he didn't do well in the Quickfire. Cynthia's swearing as she looks at bowls. Stephen sits and writes stuff down. He asks Miguel if he's doing tapioca as well because it's his favorite. Miguel says it's his favorite, too. Stephen says, "Mine's gonna be better anyway, but I don't want to look like an idiot." Dude, several suits and countless ties too late for that. Miguel says, "I love you, dawg." Stephen returns, "Schmuck," and they knock knuckles.

Top Chef kitchen. The chefs prep. Harold plays around with caramelized banana tarts and tastes Lee Anne's sauce. You know what someone should do? It's totally obvious and state fair-ish, but frozen bananas. Come on -- you dip them in chocolate, roll them in nuts, and stuff a stick up them. The guests can then lick off the nuts, suck off the chocolate, and deep throat them. It's provocative but also playful and childish. Lee Anne has decided that food is sexy and Asian is sexy, so she's making dim sum petit fours instead of penis cookies or tittie tarts. Aw, not one Jelly Dong or Cream-Filled Tall Texan? Miguel is working on his cream puffs for his "Tarts and Tits." He's also making cold drinking chocolate with hot whipped cream (not sure how whipped cream can be hot and still work, but what the hell do I know?) and mango pillows filled with tapioca. Miguel tells the camera he was a pastry cook for a year, so he has some idea of what he's doing. Miguel says to Andrea, "That would be funny if there were some porn stars there, what do you think?" Andrea thinks she would have to go home. Oh, Andrea, I'm sure there would be some who share your scatological obsessions. Andrea's making "Creamy Balls and Crunchy Nuts," which are creamy peanut butter balls and crunchy nuts. She thinks it's fun and playful, which, for her, is "so sexy." Lisa's making "Naughty Nuts." It's a pecan tartlet with Grand Marnier cream.

In a quiet corner, where Lisa says she's being very secretive, Tiffani plays around with string. She appears to be dying some of it red and some of it blue. What about pink? Purple? Or rainbow? Tiffani says her intention is to make her dish interactive. Cynthia's making a chocolate bombe and some little tartlets. "Whatever I make, it's sexy -- it doesn't have to be dick, it doesn't have to be balls, it doesn't have to be intellectual, doesn't have to be all this stuff going on. It just has to taste sweet and fabulous, that's all," Cynthia tells us. Lee Anne slaps some tape on an oven and announces she has the top oven on 350° convection (an oven that uses a fan to circulate the hot air constantly and uniformly -- it's key for pastries and bread but it can take off your eyebrows if you get too close to the doors). Her masking tape says the same.

Colicchio walks in to check on them. Dave explains his "Tit for Tat" dessert. He's making roasted strawberry mini pound cakes with banana pastry cream. Stephen's got his stuff ladled into martini bowls. He's doing a celery and granny smith apple gelée (so SICK of FUCKING GELEES!), which will be topped with Champagne. Colicchio agrees that there's nothing sexier than Champagne. Candice is making "edible underwear." No, it's not that weird Fruit Roll-Up stuff you buy in a sex store, it's cake in the shape of a bra and panties that has been covered in chocolate. Colicchio wonders if she's going to be wearing the edible underwear. "I wish!" Candice laughs.

Okay, and now for the scandal that rocked the boards and still continues to inspire debate. Lee Anne discovers that her oven has been turned down to 325 degrees, which has totally thrown off her timing. So, I was under the impression that her oven had been shut completely off, but -- 25 degrees? It wouldn't take that much time to get back up to temp once the oven's already been on and heated. Lisa offers up her low oven, which is really not going to cut it. Kitchen flurry. Time's up. Lee Anne says she was two minutes from being completely done with the timer went off. Lisa tells us, "Lee Anne came over to us, she was letting us know that her things were still in the oven when time was called and she would give up a minute on the day's cooking. No one seemed to have a problem except for Tiffani." Cut to Tiffani's raised-eyebrows, I'm-being-so-calm-and-reasonably-blasé bitchface. "I just think we all need to recognize that when that timer goes off, we're done. We walk away from everything," Tiffani opines. Tiffani -- in her butch pink bandana -- tells us, "Part of professionalism is understanding how much time you have and being able to work within that allotted time." I don't think "professionalism" quite applies when someone has messed with your oven. Back in the kitchen, Tiffani tells Lee Anne, "Okay, so we should ask the judges if we can all ask for another minute if we just need another minute." And boy, she makes a tight-lips-curled-over-teeth nasty face that I just want to punch! She also rolls her eyes as she walks away from Lee Anne. Lee Anne's had enough and says she can just throw her things -- she doesn't give a fuck. Lee Anne also walks away. "I'm just saying there are rules, Lee Anne, that's all," Tiffani goes on. No, if that's "all" you were saying, you wouldn't have rolled your eyes and been a complete hard-ass bitch about it. "I understand that, I'm not an idiot!" Lee Anne shoots back. "I know you're not an idiot, that's why I'd expect you to be done by the time the timer goes off," Tiffani continues calmly. Just trying to get the last word in, aren't you? Lee Anne packs up her stuff. Tiffani watches narrowly. The chefs leave.

Cynthia gets more distressing news about her father. Dave tells us that not everyone knows what hell Cynthia is going through: "Her father is passing and it's hard to be focused." At the house, Miguel offers to carry Cynthia's bag, which is sweet. Miguel tells us that what you're feeling in the kitchen is how you present food, and if you feel like crap, it shows in the food.

The chefs have four more hours in the kitchen to finish up and pack up. Lee Anne says she was worried about time, but she went in, she threw out her stuff that went over the time, and she started again from scratch. As Lee Anne bins her pastries, she says, "We're good, starting at zero!" Tiffani appears to be watching her. She also rolls her eyes and walks away. Lee Anne tells us, "No one likes a know-it-all. Don't sit here and blabber at me that 'it's not personal.' If it's not personal, then shut the fuck up, all right?" That's my girl. Tiffani affixes brown lumps of something to a string and explains, "These are chocolate-coffee cookies with spicy cherries and hazelnuts. What the string is for is so that the cookie essentially becomes a necklace." Not getting it yet. Tiffani tells us that she didn't just want to walk around with desserts at the sex party: "I wanted to force people to interact with me and with the food." Interesting that she thinks she needs to "force" people to interact with her. That's the only way I'd want to interact with her. Brain babbles something about getting his "swagger" back. He's making a strawberry-apple crisp with hazelnut whipped cream.

Colicchio's back. He looks at Andrea's "Creamy Peanut Butter Balls" and "Crunchy Nuts." "Some bar nuts?" Colicchio wonders. Candice is now decorating her edible underwear. "Oookay," is Colicchio's reaction. Over at Harold's station, he's making some buttermilk gelato "on the fly." Dude, you can't make gelato "on the fly." There's, like, hours of freezing time needed. Colicchio looks around and wonders if they have an ice cream machine there. Harold doesn't think so. Wait, he's going to freeze this BY HAND? Colicchio tries to check in on Cynthia, who tells him, "You can't bother me now." Hee. Chastened, Colicchio walks away. Outside, Colicchio gives us his reactions. He doesn't know what's sexy about Andrea's dessert, he thinks Cynthia is having technical problems, and he doesn't understand why Harold hasn't figured out that there's an ice cream machine in the kitchen. Sure enough, the kitchen cam pans down to show an ice cream machine on a lower shelf. D'oh! Time runs down.

Harold tells us that the freezer was being opened so much that his gelato never set. Neither did Cynthia's bombe. The chefs pack up and head over to Union Square and Mr. S. The chefs goggle at the sex shop wares. "What kept running through my mind is, 'What do you do with that?'" Lisa tells us. Katie Leebot has downloaded the appropriate program for "sexy." She's wearing a black dress and has plumped her breasts for the occasion. She's also wearing eyeliner that flirts off to the outer corner of each eye in that Egyptian style. Frankly, I think Data is much hotter. Maybe it's because we know he is "fully functional," and the jury's still out on Katie Leebot. The Bot tells the chefs to pick a station, get set up, and change into their party clothes. They set up.

Cynthia laments her melting bombe. Stephen goes into a changing room, pulling a black latex curtain closed behind him. He tells us, "Everyone was asked to come up with some sort of sexy costume." He's going to wear a wine foil loincloth, isn't he? We cut to Candice pulling at herself as she twitches a sheer, form-fitting pink dress into place. She looks good. She's a model. Lee Anne walks out wearing a black low-cut dress that also looks pretty good. "Whether it was slick-cool or something completely out-there raunchy," Stephen continues. We cut to Tiffani, who is wearing a wife-beater with a black pleather skirt and tall black boots. She's also strapped on a black choker that is doing a good job of swallowing her entire neck. Stephen, who sexed himself up by taking off his usual tie and unbuttoning his shirt, says that Miguel took his costume to the level. Miguel swaggers out of the changing room wearing a plaid wool coat with no shirt whatsoever, an ascot, his apron, and a Raggedy Andy red wig with a... tam-o-shanter? Really, Miguel? Someone says "sexy" and you say "tam-o-shanter"? Tiffani snots at Miguel, "That's disgusting, actually." Miguel asks Harold, who put on a simple black sleeveless shirt for the occasion, "You feelin' the stud?" The tam-o-shanter has a green bobble on top! Seriously, with the red wig and tam-o-shanter, Miguel looks like a Hispanic Fat Bastard. And that's not sexy. Lisa tells him, "I really wish you had not taken off your shirt, that's all." Hee. Miguel tells us that they had to sell sex that night and if they didn't bring sex to the table, they're going home. Honey, you brought screaming nightmares to the table, not sex.

The guests sashay-chantay in. There's pleather, latex, and other similarly binding material everywhere. RuPaul makes the scene in a red latex body suit. Tiffani tells us that RuPaul is "one tall bitch." Man, she really is. She stands to Colicchio, the Bot, Gail, and Falkner and makes them look like the Lollipop Guild. RuPaul asks Andrea if her stuff is low-cal. "Yes, there's no butter, no saturated fats," Andrea beams. "Everything is organic," RuPaul confirms. RuPaul eats. "Needs butter," she decides. RuPaul announces to the judges that all desserts are sexy: "I mean, have you ever seen a fat person eat a creampuff? I mean, that's like watching someone have sex." The judges go around to the dessert stations. Tiffani explains her concept to Colicchio. People take a cookie, find a partner, tie the necklace around the partner's neck, and eat it off the neck. I do like the concept. A lot, actually. It's way more sexually interactive than anyone else's. Would it have killed anyone to prepare chocolate smear body shots or bring a can of Reddi-Wip or watched 9 1/2 Weeks beforehand or SOMETHING? Andrea explains "chocolate-covered peanut balls" to a black guy, who responds, "Oh, I have those!" and looks down. Heh. Lee Anne made Banana-Cashew Nut Spring Rolls with a Wasabi White Chocolate dipping sauce. Gail tastes and pronounces sourly, "Definitely taste the sesame." Lee Anne nods uneasily. When Harold tasted Lee Anne's sauce earlier, he told her he couldn't stand sesame. Lee Anne tells us that she didn't rename her dish to be overtly sexual because she thinks food is sexy. Yes, you already told us that, dear.

Over at Candice's Secret, Candice dishes up "some crotch" for a few leather-bound bears. It is sort of cute how she's presented the double-layer sponge cake on some red tissue paper as if it were drawer or box liners. Candice tells Madame S, "You could lay on the table and we could put it on you if you want." Gail has a look of forced amusement on her face. She's such a stiff! And not in a sexy way. "Maybe you should lay on the table," Madame S invites her with a raised eyebrow. Brian says he was so confident about his strawberry-apple crisp in a glass because he knows what is hip, hot, and sexy. Does that chyron say "edgy hazelnut cookie" on his dessert title? Oh, good Lord. Colicchio asks Miguel, "Are those condoms hanging out of your pocket?" They are. "I always go into the kitchen protected," Miguel responds. Miguel finishes off his presentation by saying, "Hopefully you had a total orgasm tonight." Gail says, "It wasn't bad." Her lukewarm assessment aside, the guests seem to be lapping it all up. One queen lies on a table while someone else feeds her Miguel's tapioca from a Chinese soup spoon. "Miguel's tapioca"? Ew. And ew again.

While Cynthia explains that her strawberry shortcakes are starting to break apart because they've been sitting too long, Falkner tells her that's the kind of thing she has to consider. Whatever, woman -- there aren't many desserts out there that can hold up to sitting at room temp for an extended period of time. Harold tells Gail that he's focusing on "the sticky element of sex" with a caramelized banana tart, walnut caramel, and frozen buttermilk. Harold tells us he wasn't that pleased with his performance. Gail makes a big show of being unable to cut his pastry with the side of a fork. I will admit that I do that in restaurants because if your tart crust can't be easily broken with the side of a fork, you've overworked the dough. On the other hand, I rarely do it with a plastic fork. Gail tells us that the chefs didn't take into consideration how the food should be handled at a cocktail party. Hmm -- aside from Harold, who else's stuff wasn't a pop-in-your-mouth or scoop-up type of thing? I think Gail is overreaching just a bitchy bit.

RuPaul talks to some guy who is dressed in a latex private's uniform (heh, "privates") and the private says, "I have lube all over me." RuPaul thought he sprayed himself with Pam. Miguel licks Cynthia's face, who acts grossed out. A chick eats Candice's cake, exclaiming, "I love nipples!" Gail asks Andrea why she chose almonds for her dish. "They're good for energy and stamina and that's good when you're thinking about sex," Andrea responds. She started off with a strong, but she should have said, "when you're having sex." Because thinking about it? Eh -- not quite as sexy. However, Gail tells us that the idea of stamina for sex isn't something she found sexy. Stephen explains his "bubbling orgasm" to the Bot. It's apple-celery gelée with pomegranate seeds -- nice mythological touch, though I wonder if Stephen is actually that deep -- with champagne and orchid petals on top. It's really quite visually stunning. The Bot prisses, "It lives up to its name." The guests are asked about their favorite desserts, and they give a wide variety of answers. One queen says, "Well, I don't eat dairy." Okay, those connotations are definitely not sexy. RuPaul tells Private Privates she'll met him at the dumpster. Private Privates looks scared.

Madame S goes around and tastes everyone's desserts. Both Brian and Tiffani are confident with their showing. Dave is not. Madame S eats something of Dave's and when she walks away, Dave asks, "Do you want to finish it?" She doesn't. Poor crying Dave. Stephen greets Madame S with a "Hey, babe." Shut up, Stephen. Madame S tells Stephen she loves the way his dish explodes in her mouth. "In a nutshell, I had the best presentation and the best dish of the lot," Stephen tells us. FISHHOOK! FISHHOOK! FISHHOOOOOOOK!

Madame S feeds Stephen his own orgasm and I swear to God, it looks like he's going to hurl. He later feverishly drinks some white wine to wash away the girl cooties. Miguel steps up his game; he tells Madame S he would love to serve her. He feeds her his wares and then he literally kisses her ass. And spanks her. Miguel doesn't think the other chefs knew how to serve sex: "This clientele was looking for sex, like hot, raunchy sex." We cut to Lee Anne eating one of Tiffani's cookies off some bare-chested guy's neck. , the guy dribbles something white into Lee Anne's mouth and she arches her back, opens wide, and takes it down. The Bot, on the other hand, is fed by Falkner from the same squeeze bottle, but she tips her head back delicately and barely opens her mouth. Poor Billy Joel. More sexiness -- all with that same squeeze bottle, it seems. Finally the party's over.

Judge's Table. Falkner was disappointed in how a lot of the desserts tasted. The Bot nods. Gail adds that where they might have fallen short on taste, they also fell short on sexiness: "I heard a lot of excuses for why certain people chose to make certain desserts and even if it wasn't perfect, I want you to sell it to me. I want you to make it sexy or I don't want to taste it." That's true, you should never apologize for anything you make. My chefs and mother-in-law taught me that. The Bot drones that Madame S was the customer and therefore she's the one who must ultimately decide the winner. Madame S saunters in and says that for the concept, Tiffani was one of her favorites. "Unfortunately, the cookie tasted horrible!" Interesting. And unfortunate. We cut to Tiffani in Mr. S's changing room. Did I mention that her wifebeater is over a black bra? Trashy is not sexy, Tiff. Madame S ultimately chooses Brian, Stephen, and Miguel for her top three. And then she says that Stephen is "very handsome." No, he isn't! He looks like a garlic bulb! And he doesn't have a neck! The whole garlic bulb thing is Puds38's ™, by the way. Most excellent avatar and hysterical mental image. Madame S prefaces her final choices by saying there's nothing sexy about Miguel himself, but his dish was really tasty. Plus, she liked his personality, he was funny and charming. Madame S also thought Brian was sweet and accommodating, she liked the varying textures in his dish, and she found him sexy. Brian, Miguel, and Stephen are called back to the Judges' Table. I don't know how he does it, but Stephen manages to smarm as he walks. Harold tells us that wasn't impressed by Stephen or Brian and he actually thought Tiffani should have been in the top three based on her interaction at the party. We cut to Tiffani in Mr. S's dressing room, flapping her hands and saying, "Is all I'm saying." We don't know what "all" is she is saying, but we can assume it's bitchy by the "Oookay!" look on Candice's raised-eyebrow face. Also, when someone finishes with "is all I'm saying," it's so clearly NOT all they're saying.

At the Judge's Table, Colicchio tells Stephen that Madame S loved his dessert and found him to be very handsome. Stephen preens disgustingly. However -- and I totally love Colicchio for this "however" -- Colicchio thought the champagne was too dry. He thought a sweeter wine would have worked better: "I think the opposites of the two just didn't come together." Stephen is shocked, SHOCKED to learn that he doesn't know absolutely everything about wine. Miguel makes a point of saying that he feels very honored to be at that table that night. Aw. Falkner gives him props for having different "courses" and making it over-the-top and fun. Gail hands Brian accolades for his dish. Miguel wins the challenge. Stephen looks puzzled by this, but unfortunately it's the exact same puzzled look he gave when Colicchio told him his wine was too dry, so thanks, Bravo, but: not buying it.

The judges call back Andrea, Dave, Cynthia, and Lisa and tell them they represent the bottommost rung of the challenge. Falkner tells Dave that she was a little freaked out by the flesh tones of his desserts. Come on, hasn't she heard of HuFu? It's the healthy human flesh alternative! Dave throws up his hands in self-flagellation and admits that he went too far "with the bondage and all that shit." Heh. He cracks the entire table up by saying with all the dongs and dildoes he didn't think it would be a big deal if he made tits. Colicchio asks Andrea what she could have done to make her dessert sexier. Andrea says that happens to really like her dessert, so she's shocked that she's even there. Oh, dear. "It was a midday snack, I've seen it before," Gail steps in, "there was no originality, there was no sense of real pizzazz." Colicchio points out that this is Andrea's second time to the table. And then a voice-over takes over to say that Andrea knows her weakness is presentation but she didn't take the opportunity to step it up. Gail and the Bot don't think that Lisa sold her dessert. , Gail points out to Cynthia that this is the second Elimination Challenge where she has told them what she did wrong and not what she did right. Cynthia agrees. Cynthia tells us that she didn't explain to any of the judges that her father is dying because it's not fair to the other chefs. Wow, that's pretty awesome of her. Cynthia then tells the judges that she knows her food isn't speaking for her that week, and comes very close to breaking down in tears but fights it admirably.

The judges deliberate. It comes down to Andrea and Cynthia, but Andrea is told to pack her knives and blow. Bye bye, turdie! Back in Madame S's changing room, Andrea says her goodbyes. Lee Anne tells us that she thinks Andrea is amazing and beautiful: "Her presentation style, her lifestyle may not fit in with this show but she is one of the strongest people I've had the privilege to meet in a long time." That statement says a lot about Lee Anne, because so many of the more seasoned chefs (*cough* Stephen *cough*) could slag off on how unprofessional (*cough* Tiffani *cough*) and not up to Top Chef par Andrea is, but Lee Anne chose to go this route. She compliments her while also gently acknowledging that Andrea wasn't what the show was looking for. Andrea tells us that her experience on the show has convinced her that she's right to stick to her personal guns and keep on with what she's been doing. Huh. So being kicked off for your personal guns confirms that you should stick to those personal guns. Okay. I guess. Andrea wants to continue to teach people how to heal with food. She's going to go home and finish her cookbook, and she knows amazing things are happening in her future. She's ready to change the world "one meal at a time."

week: Something is rotten in the state of children's lunches.