By Keckler
Last week, Stephen was a gaufreak, Andrea came back to replace Cynthia's unscheduled departure, and Colicchio did his best to whip the smugness right out of Tiffani. In the end, Brian (Fellows) left.
In sped-up film, cars zoom down Lombard Street, which, while pretty and in a cha-ching neighborhood with one of the most awesome views in San Francisco, is actually not the most twisted street in the city. Potrero Hill's Vermont and 20th is. Ooh, Chinatown gate on Grant! There's actually a really great hotel just one block from the gate called the Grant Plaza. It's clean, it's cheap, it's safe, it's centrally located, and if you're not looking for luxury rooms, it's perfect. We stayed there when we were looking for apartments. Aw, I'm going to miss being able to infuse little bits of information like this season. Fucking L.A. Does anyone even actually eat there?
The house on Baker wakes up. Dave, beating himself up for being twice brought before the judges as one of the worst chefs, knows he needs to step up his game. Stephen is walking around in a wifebeater, boxers, and...black socks? I guess I should be thankful it's not spats. He says that his team won the competition but he had to work with some of his least favorite people. Cue Candice, who grumbles a "good morning" in response to Miguel's, "Hey, sexy." Candice tells us "a lot of the chefs are trying to, like, tear [her] down and drag [her] out but [she] wants to totally win and blow everyone out of the water." Who, aside from Stephen, is trying to tear her down? They never showed us that.
Quickfire Challenge. We see a street sign that tells us they are somewhere on Mission. Given that Mission runs the length of the city, before becoming El Camino Real, they could be anywhere, but we're probably supposed to assume they are in The Mission. A Bot VO tells the chefs that a Top Chef has to be able to think on their feet, so this week's theme is "food on the fly." Katie Leebot explains that the Mission District is "full of specialty markets." Cut to a bright blue awning with Spanish writing. The chefs will be given twenty dollars and thirty minutes to create a dish using ingredients from one of the specialty markets. The Katie Leebot oils her joints and leads the way down the street. Candice says they were all thinking that "specialty foods" meant "international cuisine." "And here it is," Katie Leebot reveals. They are standing on the edge of a gas station, which ching- chings obligingly. Foley guys are up on their game. Most of the chefs laugh. Tiffani screws her lips together and shakes her head. "Can you smell the gas, baby?" Miguel crows. Harold looks crabby. He tells us, "Go have at it at a gas station? I was like, 'shit.' I'm not into this at all." The chefs will shop for thirty minutes but will also be able to use all the dried herbs and spices they need in the Top Chef kitchen. Katie Leebot sends them in.
Stephen tells us, "Right when I walked in, I looked around -- maybe there was some sort of wine or some other sort of beverage I could pair with the dish." Dude, it's a gas station. The wine you'd find is most likely either Boone's Farm or MD 20/20. Actually, watching Stephen mince around pairing a dish with Strawberry Hill or Country Kwencher would be pretty fucking hilarious. Instead of an ice bucket, he could serve it in a brown paper bag! Sadly, Stephen was unable to find an acceptable "beverage" so he had to change tact. Candice brags, "This is where me and my girlfriends, like, will hang out, you know, when we're on a road trip out to Vegas. We know what's here, but for the other, four-star, professional quote-unquote chefs, this is a lot more difficult. It's a friggin' gas station!" Okay, first of all, what are you doing "hanging out" in a gas station when you're on the way to Vegas? Just get to Vegas! Second of all, as pompous as some of them are, they are not "quote-unquote chefs." (I can't believe I just put quote marks around "quote-unquote." And again.) They are actual chefs. They're paid to cook in professional kitchens, little girl, and I'm afraid that does actually make them chefs. As Tiffani goes for the donut case, you can hear -- and it's captioned -- Miguel say, "Look at those donuts, baby." Does he think he's Emeril with all this "baby" talk? Tiffani, who sounds like she's caught a cold making her sound even more masculine than usual, tells us that as soon as she got there, she knew she was going to make a Krispy Kreme bread pudding like the one she and her boyfriend make. Sounds better than a Krispy Kreme chicken sandwich. Which is just ew. I'm sorry, I love State Fair food to distraction but white meat and sugar glaze? I just threw up in my mind's eye. Minnesota frickles, on the other hand, are frickin' awesome. The chefs shop. Lisa jokingly asks Andrea how she's "handling it." Andrea's in shock. She tells us, "This isn't where I would shop normally because, you know, there's no fresh produce. I hope I'm not serving it to people I know or like." Back in the gas station, Dave has a little freak out (not a crying jag freak out, just a regular one) near the coffee makers. He's very excited and clapping his hands. I think he grabs a bag of coffee beans. Harold just sort of stares calmly at him, very detached. I do love Harold. In a jumbled mess of words, Dave tells us he was excited about the gas station challenge and it has something to do with college days and white trash. Dave yips, "Yeah! Yeah!" at himself in the candy aisle. In line, Lisa demands of Harold, "Where'd you find that SPAM?" Stephen balances Nilla wafers and other shit on top of a carton of eggs. Miguel gets rung up. We hear Tiffani say loudly, "Oh good, I'm glad you went back after me and got Krispy Kremes and eggs -- that's good for you." Funny, she doesn't sound glad. "That's unbelievable of you Miguel, unbelievable!" Tiffani says and stalks out. Please. While a good one, Krispy Kreme bread pudding is not the most original idea ever. My girl, Paula Deen, did it in season two of her show. Tiffani croaks at us, "A day or two before, I brought up the donut bread pudding. I preferred not to be copied at all, but the copying doesn't scare me, it's just more irritating to me that people can't come up with their own dish." So, why did you bring up the donut bread pudding idea in public? Maybe, in this sort of COMPETITIVE COOKING situation it would have been better to keep your fat mouth shut to avoid this exact issue? Just an idea. Miguel says blandly, "We must have the same ideas in mind." "Yeah, I hit the Krispy Kremes first, bro," Tiffani snaps back. Just because you got your ass there first doesn't mean you have a copyright on the idea. Miguel says to us, "Thank you, Tiffani for the idea, because she brought it back to my mind -- I didn't mean no disrespect." "Freak," Tiffani says acidly over her shoulder in the gas station. Bitch.
Back in the kitchen, the chefs get on with cooking their crap. I'm not going to recite the ingredients of everyone's dish here because we hear it all again, but I just have to note that along with eggs and donuts, Miguel's dish will contain breath strips in some way. "I bought SPAM," Harold tells us, matter-of-factly, "I bought SPAM." Heh. In the kitchen, Harold says, "I fucking love SPAM!" "Ladies and gentlemen, SPAM's new national spokesperson," Lee Anne jokes. Harold bangs the SPAM out of the can. It holds its shape, of course. Looks like Stephen is using SPAM as well. He blathers on to us about the Hawaiians doing many preparations of SPAM. That is something I will NOT be eating on my trip month. "Stephen, your SPAM's burning," Tiffani frowns. I want that on a tee-shirt. Complete with an image of Stephen's garlic bulb head. Andrea tells us that she encourages her clients not to eat chemicals and laughs that they are going to pass out and die when they see what she's making. Harold tells us that Stephen was using fresh herbs, which is a no-no. Harold told Stephen to pull the herbs off his plate, but Stephen told him he was screwed and couldn't. Stephen tell us, "Katie [Leebot] made it clear to us that we were able to use dried herbs and spices, I kinda omitted the 'dried' part." It's like when Keith Michael kinda omitted the "totally against the rules" part when he stashed that pattern book under his bed. Miguel tells us that Tiffani's attitude is "atrocious at times." Tiffani tells that she never knows if Miguel is being intentionally annoying, or if he truly doesn't have any "culinary thoughts" of his own.
The guest judge today is Jefferson Hill at the Rotunda Restaurant in Neiman Marcus. Oh, dear. When this show had originally aired, I had never eaten at the Rotunda. I have now. Instead of a breadbasket, you start your luncheon out with a popover, strawberry butter, and a demitasse cup of clear chicken broth. Although the strawberry butter was decidedly rancid, I can get behind the idea of it. I also adore popovers (though I did make a horrible crumby mess all over the tablecloth), but the chicken broth thing was just odd and most of us didn't even drink the stuff. I tasted it and it was very, well, chicken-y. I don't know how else to describe it but it was off-putting. I joked with my companions that it's probably the only thing the "ladies who lunch" surrounding us choked down over the course of their busy day of shopping. My papardelle pasta dish with shrimp, peas, and prosciutto di coto was atrocious. The pasta was mushy, the peas weren't fresh, the shrimp was rubbery, and the prosciutto di coto (ham, really, and also spelled wrong, I believe) was in ragged shreds, and there was way too much sauce. It made unattractive pools everywhere. Although all food writers, my companions agreed that going to the Rotunda was more for the atmosphere and the view of Union Square than for the food. However, the one dish on their lunch menu that is totally worthwhile is the Lobster Club. It's stacked up with thick smoked bacon, lobster, roasted red peppers, and shallot aioli on toasted brioche. Yes, the lobster is from Maine, so it's not local, but the damn thing also has avocado on it! And bacon, did I mention the BACON?! You can't miss when you're going for the pleasure center jugular like that. And at twenty-five dollars, the Rotunda is also going for your wallet's jugular. So, anyway, Lobster Club aside, I'm not impressed with the Rotunda's food, but lead on, Chefferson.
Miguel has a "trio dessert" of pumpkin Krispy Kreme, coconut water with chocolate foam, and Listerine Orange "palate cleansers." "It's bread pudding? With Krispy Kreme?" Chefferson confirms. It is. "Sickly sweet," Chefferson pronounces. Tiffani looks worried, but then she hides a grin in her hands. up is Andrea's hot mess of "Pit-Stop Peanut Noodles with Aged Teriyaki Beef." She used Cup-a-Soup (or something), beef jerky, and her peanut butter sauce is made from Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. She decorated the edge of the plate with peanuts, which just looks ridiculous. Chefferson decides, "Too peanut butter-y." I want to know how she separated the chocolate from the peanut butter. On to Candice, who chose to do a "spicy tortilla Gas Station Gazpacho." She gets points for thinking up that name, for sure, but gazpacho is supposed to be cold and this looks hot. She used spicy tomato soup and half-and-half. Chefferson laughs sneeringly that it tastes like nacho cheese sauce. Candice's face falls, "Okay." Man, he's just being snide to everyone, isn't he? Candice bitches to us that all the other chef judges have been nice, but this guy definitely wasn't. She insists that she didn't even USE nacho cheese crap. I think Chefferson's overcompensating for having such shitty food of his own, honestly. Harold tells us, "He dissected everybody...I'm really not feeling this guy." Harold explains his dish as ''Green Eggs and SPAM." He's got two thick rounds of shirred eggs on top of two rounds of toast, some relish, a sauce emulsified with the filling from an ice cream sandwich, and garnished it all with crispy SPAM and Funyuns (that one's for you, Sars). I'm not sure what his sauce is but he also has brown smears of something on the plate that make his shirred egg rounds look like shooting stars. "That plating could have been a lot tighter," Chefferson comments, "That relish, I already know, I wouldn't like on there." Whatever, I think the whole plate is pretty brilliant. Tiffani laughs with us that Chefferson's critiques were "on point" but a little "harsh" for a gas station competition.
On to Tiffani's Krispy Kreme bread pudding with blueberry sauce. She stuffed her bread pudding in a ramekin and to "cut the sweetness" she folded in Graham Crackers. Chefferson tells her the texture of her bread pudding should be softer and it's too dry. Tiffani also has two espresso cups of something on her plate, which aren't ever explained. Dave ramps up his dish's explanation, "You're stuck at your favorite girl or boy's place the night before, you got a gas station down the road and this is what we gotta work up." Dave's dish is called a "Morning After Trio." Not to be totally inappropriate, but that title reminds me way too much of the Morning After Pill. That would be some scary food. Dave whipped up a beef and bean burrito that he heated in the oven and then "torched briefly." , there's a tomato soup, and finally a cinnamon roll. Okay, why does it sound like he didn't actually make anything original and just bought stuff from the gas station and reheated it? Chefferson praises Dave. Lee Anne explains that time was up before she could finish saucing her final dish but she presents a Funyuns-Battered (nice spelling, Bravo, "Funion" it ain't!) Oscar Meyer Spiedini. Lee Anne explains to us that traditional spiedini is "a fried mozzarella sandwich, it's basically cheese slapped between two pieces of bread." Oh. Oh, Lee Anne. I know you're at the French Culinary Institute, but that's still no excuse for being culinarily ignorant. Spiedini is grilled or skewered meat, and what you're talking about -- the fried mozzarella sandwiches -- is called mozzarella in carrozza, or "mozzarella in carriages." Chefferson doesn't appear to call her on this gaffe -- probably because he's likewise ignorant -- and tells Lee Anne her dish is "very good." Lisa presents her "Gas Stop Breakfast" of cheese-scrambled eggs stacked on toast and topped with chiles. She also pan-seared some hot dogs with pistachio and pistachio dust for garnish. "Pork and beans with eggs?" Chefferson grins. No, hotdogs and eggs with eggs -- not remotely the same thing. Jerk.
"When I looked at my dish compared to the others I totally thought that everything on the plate was really well-balanced." Do I even need to tell you who said that? I'll give you a hint: he made illegal use of fresh basil in this challenge. Stephen has "five little items on the plate." He starts with a tall shot glass of hot coconut water infused with paprika and green tea. Revolting. Even worse, it's to be eaten with a fine dice of chard, SPAM, peanuts, and tarragon, all of which sits in the ubiquitous Chinese soupspoon. , Stephen has a cocaine line of powdered "dehydrated sweet pea crumbles," a "vanilla dumpling with a wilted basil leaf," and a chili-mango syrup drizzle. It is the weirdest combination of flavors yet. Plus, all the amounts are ridiculously miniscule. Not only does this plate prove that Lee Anne was so right when she called Stephen's sommeliering ass a "professional bullshitter," but now I'm beginning to wonder if all that wine has completely Betty Forded Stephen's tongue beyond recognition.
This is where the Katie Leebot gets to act like the Enforcer Bot for a brief moment. "When I told you about the challenge this morning, I said you could use dried herbs and spices," she tells Stephen, barely moving a muscle in her face. I know she's young, but is it possible that her lack of facial motion is because she's been basted with Botox? Andrea tells us that everyone knew they could use only dried herbs and spices, "it was said over and over again." "He obviously wasn't paying attention or thought he was above the law," Dave tells us. Well, given his earlier comment, it sounds like Stephen thinks he was above the law. Stephen tells the Katie Leebot that he "really only heard the herbs and spices -- I did not intentionally use an ingredient that wasn't allowed." He sparks a bit belligerent in the last half of his explanation there for someone who screwed up. And also? BULLSHIT! Harold told him he couldn't use the fresh basil leaf and he big fat went and did it anyway! Okay, so he would have had to remove one of his microscopic items, so what? Although, if he's like most chefs who believe you can't have an even number of items on the plate, he actually would have had to remove two things and then be left with coconut water, SPAM crumbles, and pea dust or something. Chefferson weighs in that the wilted basil "wouldn't fly with [him] anywhere," and asks why he would choose tarragon to put in the SPAM and peanut dice. Stephen opens his eyes really wide. He's thinking fast. We don't actually get a response from him as the camera pans over to the other chefs, who seem to be waiting expectantly. "The plating is nice, it's clean," Chefferson goes on. "Pardon me?" Stephen asks. Chefferson repeats his query about the tarragon. "I believe anise and coconut is an interesting combination. The two different aromatic compounds that are happening on the palate on the same time creates somewhat of a sensual experience," Stephen BULLSHITS. Yeah, just explain away your weird choices by saying they are "sensual" and you can probably get away with anything. Frankly, dried herbs that scratch and get caught in your throat on the way down are not what I would deem "sensual."
Katie Leebot entreats Chefferson to give his overall impression of the chefs, "Were there any real disasters?" Chefferson fingers Candice's gazpacho as being a stand-out disaster, "Just an overpowering nacho cheese taste, and I would be hard-pressed to eat the whole bowl." Yeah, well, I was hard-pressed to eat my whole plate of overcooked, over sauced pasta at your place and guess what? I didn't! Stephen grins at this castigation, and Candice tells us she was embarrassed. Chefferson's winner of the Gas Station Challenge is Lee Anne, hands down. People clap heartily. Lee Anne looks humbly happy. Chefferson's highest praise is that he never would have known her "spiedini" came from a gas station.
The Elimination Challenge is to create gourmet entrées that can be reheated in one of their KENMORE microwaves. The day, the chefs will be reheating their dishes for a group of women from the Oakland-East Bay Junior League. The women are a mixture of working moms and homemakers, so they need to make good food fast. Oh, dude! I just remembered -- this is yet another episode where Stephen just writes his own condescending pomposity! Remember how he was "educating" the women? Harold's not happy about the challenge. He tells us, "I'm a restaurant chef. I want people to come to the restaurant and allow myself and the rest of the staff to take care of them. I'm not into this challenge at all. Right from the get-go. I'm not into promoting reheatable, microwaveable food."
The chefs shoot across the Bay Bridge to Berkeley Bowl to shop. Candice is still burning over Chefferson's critique of her hot gazpacho. Tiffani tells us that since they were cooking for a bunch of women, she would appeal to them with fish and started thinking about escolar, "It had the fat content that I wanted in order to hold up in the microwave." Stephen looks for masa (dough used for corn tortillas. Masa harina is flour made from dried masa). "I decided to do a tamale in the Oaxacan style that probably these women from the Junior League weren't too familiar with, so you know, a little education for them," he says. Well of course! Because if there's one thing you can say about Junior Leaguers, it's that they never travel to any of the more popular destinations. And they're such unsophisticated shut-ins that they also never eat out at Milagros or Tamarindo Antojeria, and especially not at La Flor Oaxaca in luxuriously beautiful Carmel.
Harold tells us that he's going to give this challenge his all even if he isn't into the microwave thing, because he still loves food and he still loves to compete. Harold tells the camera in Berkeley Bowl that he's going to do a Southeast Asian soup. He believes soups taste better the second day anyway, so reheating will actually be beneficial. I agree -- soups, sauces, spaghetti, my mother's clam dip -- all better the day when flavors have been allowed to meld overnight. Dave tells us about his lasagna, "I know it's not fancy, but again, I'm all about the sauces. I'm making a fire-roasted marinara and a slow-cooked alfredo, and I found some orange and purple cauliflower, which adds nice color to the dish." Lisa is doing an herb-coated chicken breast, which she will undercook initially so the reheat won't dry it out. That scares me a little bit. However, Lisa reminds us that she has kids, so she nukes stuff all the time. She's calm and not worried about this task. Miguel says he's doing meatloaf because he thinks the women will want comfort food to serve to their families. "Meatloaf? For women?" Andrea questions. "That you nuke?" Lisa adds. Outside, Lee Anne mutters that she saw Stephen wandering around with nopales (cactus) and yuzu (highly aromatic Japanese citrus fruit).
Stephen tells us, "This market kind of took me back to when I was sixteen years old when I used to just love throwing all these different flavors together not really thinking, 'Okay, is everything going to match? Is something going to mask one of the other flavors?'" Stephen seems to be over on his grocery bill, so he gets rid of some stuff but keeps the yuzu. Harold tells us that Stephen's a mad scientist and has all sort of weird ambitious ingredients, but not it's not stuff he, Harold, wants to eat. "It's almost like a Chem Lab or something -- America doesn't eat food like that," Dave says. Sorry, but El Bulli, WD50, and Alinea beg to differ. Now, I don't eat food like that -- it's just not my cup of dehydrated tea with powdered milk essence -- because it's too far in the realms of "a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat" for me. However, it's a huge foaming trend right now, and the science behind it is pretty mind-blowing. I think that's what Stephen thinks he's doing in all these challenges. Like he's going to be the big molecular gastronomer. But no. Just...no. He doesn't have the science to back up his wild and whacked out combos. Wilted basil leaf, sheesh! Ferran Adrià was wilting basil leaves and wrapping them around milk skins about four years ago. Oh, and milk skins, as in the creepy crap that forms when you overscald your cocoa milk? BAAAAAARF!
Back in the kitchen, the chefs are given ninety minutes to prepare the dish, wrap it up, and refrigerate it. The dishes will be reheated in a microwave in front of the Junior Leaguers. Miguel drops ice, Andrea's oven gets mistakenly shut off, Lee Anne tells someone not to move her pot, and Dave has problems opening cans. Colicchio does his walk-through. I'm sorry, but the way he rattles the chefs? Tim Gunn he ain't. Colicchio expresses doubts that Candice's quiche will reheat properly. I express doubts as well -- pastry in a microwave doesn't exactly crisp up. The UnGunn also wonders if Stephen's multi-fusion, multi-weird ingredient tamale will prove Stephen to be "style over substance." Finally, Colicchio thinks that Lisa has an edge over everyone else. Stephen tells us, "I expect Lisa to come out on top for this part of the competition. She is the working mom and she's in need of this product probably more than any of us." Man, he can even make a compliment sound horrifically condescending! Tiffani thinks her Asian fish dish will reheat very well, Miguel doubts that fish does well in a microwave. Miguel product places KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce and says he used it in his turkey meatloaf dish. Harold tells the camera he's putting his shrimp in raw so it won't overcook upon reheating. Lee Anne is working on a lemongrass chicken dish with coconut milk. Andrea tells us, "I'm making a quinoa pilaf and some roasted curry sweet potatoes, and I'm emphasizing, for the ladies -- actually, I'll wait until tomorrow to tell you what I'm emphasizing." POOP! Candice babbles, "I think the moms tomorrow will like my quiche dish because I like quiches -- I'm not a mom but I know people who make them that are moms."
The chefs start packing up their dishes. Miguel wonders how Stephen managed to steam his tamales so fast. "I'm the fucking man, brother," Stephen responds. Well, you're the fucking something. Lisa's concerned because she was unable to chill and season her pasta properly and she couldn't get to the grill to cook her chicken. Dave complains that he barely got his lasagna noodles done before he had to "slop" them into the individual trays, he adds, "And Harold and Stephen had some banter, you know, kind of slamming what I was making." In the kitchen, we see Stephen and Harold whispering together and Harold says, "The magical lasagna." Oh, Harold, why did you have to go and descend to the tenth level of Stephen? Time expires and Candice and Andrea wonder what's wrong with Dave. Dave tells us that he doesn't need no magical lasagna shit, "I'm done with him and Stephen, you know, they can go make out somewhere because I'm just over it. I'm pissed."
The day, the chefs pull up at a big ol' mansion, and the Katie Leebot stands there in her black Jackie O glasses and dress and reminds us of their mission to product place the KENMORE microwaves. Chefferson is back as a judge along with the usual suspects. The chefs unpack. Andrea was confident because she knew the women were between the ages of twenty-five and forty, her core audience. "It's become clear that this competition is not totally about cooking technique -- you need to have the total package, you need to be able to serve your product, you need to be, you know, personable," Harold tells us. Miguel tells us, "I feel very confident in the dish I prepared -- no matter if the president sat to it or a homeless sat to it, they would both enjoy themselves. It was nothing fancy, it was simply good food." In the fancy kitchen, Andrea jokingly asks, "Can I practice how to use this thing?" about the microwave. Apparently, she hasn't used one in TEN YEARS. How the hell does she make microwave popcorn with the Agent Orange cheese sauce? Candice worries what the microwave will do to her dish, "It might make it better, 'cause it's eggs and cream." As usually, I don't follow Candice's meandering chain of thought. Stephen tells Miguel that he's never had a TV dinner. Miguel's surprised, "Really?" "No, of course not," Stephen confirms. Miguel shrugs at Stephen's "of course not," and adds, "I'm sorry you didn't get to experience that." Do you think Stephen was ever, you know, a kid? Or did he spring, fully suited-up from his mother's head? "You'd eat anything, wouldn't you?" Stephen asks Miguel. I don't really like his tone here. It's sneering and taunting. Miguel says he'd give everything a shot. Spoken like a true chef. "I'm sure you were the kind of guy -- your family sat together and ate right?" Miguel asks. "Of course," Stephen ponces again. There's no "of course" about that, Stephen. God, did you ever look around you and realize there's an entire world out there? Stephen asks why Miguel and his family didn't eat together. "'Cuz I grew up in a single-parent home. My mother worked eight hours a day and came home and whatever she put together, that's what we ate and then we got to homework and then it was bedtime," Miguel says, wiping the self-satisfied grin right off Stephen's face. "Nothing wrong with that, man," Stephen says, trying to clamber down from his ivory tower and be all plebian with his "man."
Oh, lord. The Junior Leaguers are prominently drinking Sofia in a Can. I'd have though they'd have more taste than that, but maybe it's more PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Dave hops around the kitchen and repeats, "Boom, load, micro, go!" He could be a cheerleader for Iron Chef America. Dave tells us that he knew his dish looked like shit, so he had to make sure all the Jr. Leaguers knew where his time was spent in the kitchen. We see Dave outside, pacing and waving his arms around, deep in thought. Harold tells us, "Dave was going out there with the hand motions and talking to himself, and I was like, 'That's great man, if that's your style, just roll with it.' But, you know, I think there's a good chance that he might be going home." Dave welcomes the Jr. Leaguers to the Microwave Pool Party, which gets a big laugh out of the ladies for some reason. I think they're drunk. He begs for a few minutes to get set up after which he promises to chat. He pushes some buttons and tells the ladies that his focus was on "flavor and functionality." He serves them a Dual Sauced Lasagna with a Colorful Veggie Medley. He tells them he wants adults and kids to be able to eat it, "The dog can eat it if it's that bad." More laughter. The ladies sample it. Some comments are that they love it and would "totally do it." They love the multi-colored veggies and say their kids would eat them because of their color.
Here comes the awesomeness. Stephen greets the ladies and tells them that today he's doing a banana leaf-wrapped tamale with a mole rojo sauce. To us, Dave rolls his eyes over Stephen's fusion tamale, saying -- and I quote -- "bleh, bleh, bleh." Stephen starts his babble, "This is a banana leaf. Tamale is usually wrapped in a cornhusk. The dish first arose and was refined most in a region called Oaxaca, which is basically the culinary capital, the equivalent to say, Florence, you know, Tuscany, Rome, in Italy. In Paris, uh, Lyon... " Bravo makes an edit to show us that Stephen has been babbling for awhile. The ladies look confused. Tiffani shruggingly tells us, "There is an element of condescension when he explains his dish." Stephen asks his audience if they are familiar with plantains. Seriously? Some of the women look at each other, all, "Um, yeah." Stephen also kneaded squash blossom leaves into the dough. Gail Simmons puts on an exaggerated look of disbelief as Stephen chunters away. He goes on, "I finished it with shiso leaves, which is Japanese mint. I don't know if you can, kind of, process all that." In the background, Colicchio is making hand motions at Gail and Katie Leebot which indicates he thinks Stephen did much too much. The ladies' comments are that the dish is too dry and it's not warm enough.
Harold presents his Thai Coconut Seafood Soup. It has lobster, shrimp, and a pea shoot biscuit. It's beautiful. Harold jokes with the ladies that he's a microwave novice and that he had his manual out the night before, boning up on his nuking skillz. He tells the ladies he was hoping they might give him some pointers. Just don't get the idea that you can make toast in it. Harold confesses to us that he is not feeling good about this challenge. Outside, the ladies seem to love his dish.
Tiffani sings out, "Good afternoon, ladies!" God, she's shrill. She presents her miso-mirin glazed sea bass. In parenthesis, it says "escolar," which is the fish we heard Tiffani talking about earlier. The thing is, escolar and sea bass are not the same fish. The food industry loves to pass any firm white fish off as sea bass because there's such a high demand for it, but most of the time you aren't getting real sea bass and that's because real sea bass has been severely over fished and there are major restrictions placed on it. G. Bruce Knecht has an awesome book out on the subject called Hooked. He's doing for sea bass what Orlean did for orchids. Anyway. Tiffani begins her oddly uncharacteristic banter, "So one thing I enjoyed doing as a young lady [see what I mean?] was trying to date and impress people at the same time without a lot of resources in terms of money or time. Here and there I've been known to buy a meal at a store and then take the meal from the frozen package and essentially replating it on the plate, taking every ounce of credit for what I was doing." Why, Sandra Lee, when did you become a redhead? One of the Jr. Leaguers laughs to her table that she does the same thing. Tiffani then invites the women to "pull a Tiffani" and replate her meal as they chose. The women seem to like it.
Lee Anne walks out and introduces her Chicken and Vegetable Stir-Fry in a light red curry and lemongrass sauce with coconut-scented jasmine rice. It looks absolutely beautiful in the container. The ladies like it. Candice is with her spinach and shrimp quiche and she says a few inane things about feeling like she's having Sunday brunch "with the girls." Katie Leebot pointedly asks if there's a crust on the quiche and then asks what it's made out of. Candice tells her, "Whole wheat flour and eggs and butter, and a little bit of apple cider vinegar to hold it together." Someone -- we don't know who, but it is captioned -- at the judges' table says they hope the crust is going to be crisp. "It can't be," Colicchio decides. One Jr. Leaguer notes to Candice, "This doesn't look like a typical quiche it's really eggy." Candice explains that "for health reasons" she likes to put more protein and vegetables in than cream. Another lady notes to her table that the shrimp is overcooked. We didn't see this sort of back and forth with any of the others. Gee, Bravo, I wonder who is going home today. Lisa presents her grilled herbed chicken breast with two cheese gratin, "That's macaroni and cheese to the kids." That gets a big laugh. Some comments are that something is rubbery and not flakey enough -- the hell? That would sound like a comment more about Candice's crust, not chicken or macaroni and cheese, neither of which should be flakey -- and that the chicken is too herby.
Andrea pops out with her "health-promoting dish." Her quinoa pilaf has leeks, shiitake mushrooms, and chicken and turkey sausage. Sounds pretty good to me. "And I think that food should promote your health, it should make you feel good after you eat it," Andrea says. She promises that if her dish doesn't make them feel good, she will do a little dance for them. And that will make them feel good? Shades of Uhura's fan dance in the sand. "Quinoa is a whole grain. Yeah, so it's good for you and your colon and your whole body and all that good stuff. Body moving, girls!" Andrea tells them. The ladies like it, and Colicchio says he feels healthier already. Dave tells us that he and Andrea are staying true to who they are. In the mansion kitchen, Andrea reports to her fellow cheftestants, "I told them all they were going to have a nice bowel movement and they were like, 'Yeaaaah!'" Everyone laughs.
Miguel says he's going to use the convection setting on the microwave for his meatloaf. Tiffani tells us, "I think Miguel thought he had an angle on the competition." Miguel presents his Asian-infused meatloaf, and again product-places the KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce. It's really weird the way they're doing that. He also has edamame, mashed potatoes, and stir-fry. Stir-fry what, Bravo? Veggies? Pork? Hello? Colicchio thinks the meatloaf is cold and wonders how long he had it in the microwave. Miguel reports back to the kitchen that his meatloaf was cold in the center. The kitchen groans for him. Well, someone groans. Could be Andrea. Maybe she's in the bathroom moving her body.
Judges' Table. Sounds like the judges really liked Dave and Andrea's dishes. Andrea, Harold, and Tiffani are the top three choices, and Katie Leebot escorts them to the judges' table. Andrea tells us she knew she couldn't have been among the three worst if she was being brought in with Harold and Tiffani. Gail commends Harold for flirting and playing up to the ladies. She also thought his soup was delicious. Colicchio adds that he thinks Harold's soup was better than most of the Thai restaurants he's been to. Chefferson tells Tiffani that her escolar was cooked perfectly and that the vegetables went really well with it. Colicchio was also very impressed with Tiffani, especially by her presentation. Gail and Colicchio both heap praise on Andrea. Katie Leebot reveals that Tiffani is the winner. To us, Tiffani says, "I am the KENMORE microwave queen, which is flattering and a tremendous compliment." I wonder how much of a compliment it would be if Bravo didn't have to worry about their sponsorship.
The bottom three are brought in. It's Stephen (hah!), Candice, and Lisa. Stephen puts on his customary FISHHOOKABLE sneer at the table and tells us, "It was embarrassing to be called out at this point and to sit there with Lisa and Candice." Yes, he's just so above them -- how he must be suffering. Colicchio calls Lisa out for her overcooked pasta, and Gail tells her that the whole plate was beige and looked like institution food. Chefferson tells Candice that her quiche, which was more like scrambled eggs to him, was doomed from the start. Colicchio criticizes the quiche crust for being rubbery and overcooked. Candice admits she didn't have time to let the dough rest in the fridge. "And also, the presentation was pretty sloppy," Colicchio continues and says her inexperience is really starting to show. Turning to Stephen, Colicchio says, "The lemongrass and some of those Japanese flavors that you worked in there were really just confusing." He had lemongrass in there on top of the yuzu, mole, rojo, squash blossoms, plantain, and banana leaf? Chefferson agrees, "I mean, we started out in Oaxaca with banana leaves and masa and then we started hearing about yuzu and shiso -- it just really threw me off." Stephen sits there, fat lips pinched and sneering, basically showing that he doesn't agree with any of this. Gail jumps in, "Yeah, it confused me, too. There was just too much going on -- the shiso I found so overpowering and the texture was really dry, too. Just too much masa, too much paste, and not enough oomph. It was tasteless, it wasn't seasoned well, it was almost inedible." Stephen looks incredibly confused that they could be taking about his dish. Surely, nothing he made was inedible! Clearly, they're confusing him with the lower chefs, the unprofessionals, like Lisa and Candice. Speaking of Candice, she admirably suppresses a smile as this edict is handed down. Stephen says he doesn't make excuses for himself. He agrees with their criticisms completely. Colicchio's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Stephen says he did not perform to the best of his abilities. They are sent away to await their fate.
Gail turns to the other judges and says, "Stephen looked at us like we were crazy -- his Japanese infused, confused tamale..." Heh. Colicchio agrees that Stephen is always getting over-creative and "getting caught up in the dogma of cooking." He's doing what now? They discuss the other two losers, repeating what we've already heard, and finally call them back in. Colicchio says, "If I could get rid of two of you I probably would. Nah, all three." Damn! Stephen is so stunned. It's a glory to behold. Colicchio rips on them generally for a few more seconds and it is Candice who is sent a-knife-packing. Candice tips her head, smiles, and thanks them for having her in the competition. The three leave. Back in the kitchen, Candice delivers a sobbing, sodden farewell, "And I want those of you who have helped me get through this, I want you to know how much that's meant to me. And I know you know who you are." Dave wipes his eyes. "'Cause all I wanted was people to understand where I was coming from and to respect the fact that I had the least amount of experience out of everyone here and if you don't like it, then go eff off." Stephen stares from the sidelines. Tiffani hugs Candice. is Harold who holds her close and rubs her back. Yeah, Harold would give good hugs. I can see that. Harold tells us, "Candice showed a lot of backbone, that was really impressive, it showed a lot about her character. As far as technical cooking, she's not there." Stephen lines up behind Harold as though he's got hugs. I thought Candice told you to go eff off, dude. They hug briefly. "Sorry I was so hard on you," Stephen mutters. He tells us, "I really wasn't surprised Candice was going home. The dish was sloppily presented. It was a youthful mistake in what she did." And what's your excuse for your yuzu-shiso-mole-rojo-plantain-lemongrass-banana-leaf-masa-squash-blossom-INEDIBLE Oaxacanese mess? Candice sniffily tells us that it was a win for her to make it that far, "I am more so happy about who I am as a person now. I think I can finally be comfortable with being Candice." Who were you before? Sybil? One of Eve's three faces?
week: I can't remember what happens but it's bound to be awesome.