Janitor and his girlfriend, Lady, are all smoochy-smoochy. After she leaves, Janitor starts talking to Carla in a Southern accent, which he calls his "smitten voice." He walks away and tips an imaginary cap. He kind of sounded like Foghorn Leghorn.
Turk and Dr. Cox have a contest to see who can last longer in a room with a fat patient who has a fungal infection in the folds of his stomach. That is like my nightmare. That I would get so fat that I would have a fungal infection and not know it. Or have to wash with a rag on a stick. Although I've never really considered it before, but I had a very visceral reaction. Anyway, JD is takes a turn and lasts less than a second.
Dr. Cox buys Turk a latte for winning the contest. JD wonders why they spend so much time competing, and Cox says it's what men do. JD sneaks a glance at Turk to confirm, and Turk nods. I have to agree; when I used to work in the bookstore, a bunch of guys would go out to the loading dock and play register tape baseball. Surprisingly fun! JD thinks he won a contest for counting coffee beans in a jar, but Kelso really won, and he got a ton of muffins. This is important because he will be eating muffins for the rest of the episode. Cox says they like to relive past victories, because they're winners, which JD would know if he'd ever won anything in his life. JD says he won a nerd-tossing contest -- he was the nerd being tossed, which leads to a mullet-JD flashback.
Turk stands on a chair so that he can see into the rooms of four different patients at once. He has all of the patients do a verbal check-in and his rounds are complete. Elliot likes a more personal approach. She brags that being in private practice lets her get to know her patients, and everyone immediately pretends to fall asleep. Elliot starts whining, and Cox tells her to be quiet, because people are sleeping. He then admits that the whole prank was Kelso's idea, and everyone applauds. Kelso announces that he signed the hospital up for a web site called RateYourDoc.org, where patients can rate their doctors. He hopes it leads to better patient care, or all of the hospital employees becoming completely insecure. Either one.
Janitor's Lady blows him a kiss and he starts spouting off smitten talk again. Carla complains to Kelso, who just eats a muffin he had in his pants. You know, to keep it warm.
Elliot treats her patient, Shannon, who has ALC (Lou Gehrig's Disease). Shannon explains to JD that her legs are already fully paralyzed and her arms are on their way. Wow. That sucks. Elliot and Shannon convince JD that Shannon already had a funeral for herself, and laid in a casket. That last part isn't true. Elliot has to take some blood to the lab, so JD offers to stay with her. JD demonstrates his ability to cry on cue, and Shannon giggles.
Turk tells Cox that he's going to get a good rating from his new patient, who also his DBFF (Diabetic Best Friend Forever). Cox asks if Turk is changing his normal routines to try to get better ratings. Turk denies it, and Cox says he isn't either.
Cox treats a patient who is declining chemo because he read on Wikipedia that a raw foods diet will get rid of bone cancer. Normally, Cox would rip this guy a new one, but with the new rating system, he has to pretend like he supports the plan.
Turk asks his four adjacent patients if they want to see him. They all do, and the last guy has a lot to say. Unfortunately, he says so much that it becomes obvious that the (unseen) patient is voiced by Zach Braff. So I was confused, because I thought JD was pulling a prank or something.
Once Cox's patient has rated his doctor online, Cox confiscates the laptop and rips the guy a new one for being an idiot.
Carla has coffee with Lady, but then Lady has to go meet Janitor. Carla tells Kelso that Lady is totally normal, but Kelso is too busy eating muffins and reading the final Harry Potter novel. Carla points out that everyone else has already read that book, and Kelso says he has a plan. If anyone gives him spoilers, he draws Harry Potter glasses on their face with permanent marker. He's already done it to Murphy. Carla threatens to reveal details of the novel, knowing Kelso wouldn't dare draw on her, and Kelso pretends to be interested in Carla's gossip.
Elliot tells Shannon that her latest symptoms were caused by taking too many pills, so it was probably a med mix-up. Meanwhile, Carla realizes that Lady likes Janitor because he's pretending to be normal. Cox and Turk are looking at the doctor ratings. Turns out JD is rated number one. Elliot gives Shannon a mini-lecture on the meds, saying that some of her meds could be fatal. Shannon says she'll definitely take the death-inducing ones time. Am I supposed to feel bad about that? Or think it's wrong? Because I kind of don't. Elliot can't figure it out, because she's dumb. Shannon points out that she'll soon be entombed in her own body and she wants to end things on her own terms while she still can. Elliot says that she's a doctor, and can't be a party to this, and Shannon reminds her that they're also friends.
Lady and Janitor are wearing matching argyle sweaters. They make plans to go to a movie and then get ice cream. Carla bitches out Janitor for being such a fake.
Turk, Cox, The Todd, and Murphy check out Rate Your Doc. Cox reads a comment someone wrote about how his hair length changes from week to week. Is that from our forums? The Todd says, "Oh! It's called RateYourDoc.org. I'm on a completely different, more awesome, site." JD checks that he's still rated number one and taunts Turk over his low rating. Murphy is rated last, even though his patients are all dead. Or mostly dead, which explains the low ratings. Elliot tells the guys that Shannon tried to kill herself. Cox says that she can either turn her in or look the other way. Elliot sarcastically thanks him. Turk reads a comment from someone who is sick of him saying, "That's what I'm talking about." Turk says sadly, "But, sometimes that is what I'm talking about." Seriously, they're reading our forums, aren't they?
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Carla is still obsessed with Janitor being all fake, and insists that he needs to be real. Kelso disagrees. When did he move back in with Enid? Anyway, Janitor wants his relationship to succeed.
Turk and Cox are still obsessed with beating JD, and figure that they need to get JD's patients to hate him. Their big idea? Get The Todd to pretend to be JD, since everyone hates him.
JD finds Elliot standing outside Shannon's room. He urges Elliot to tell Shannon's nurse. Elliot thinks it might be the right choice for Shannon. JD thinks it will haunt Elliot forever if she lets Shannon die. Elliot thinks she can handle it, but JD doesn't think so. Elliot agrees to tell the nurse.
Janitor decides to introduce Lady to the real him. He admits that he's not normal, and gives the example of his taxidermy hobby. He's broken the sound barrier but can't talk about it, and he doesn't believe in the moon. Carla watches this whole thing, and stomps over to tell Lady that Janitor is just joking. Lady is relieved, since she was creeped out. After she leaves, Carla tells Janitor that he has to dole out the crazy in small doses.
Turk and Cox start calling JD "23." That's his new ranking, since The Todd started pretending to be him. JD starts lecturing Turk and Cox, but then excuses Cox when he realizes that Cox doesn't care. JD says that Turk is supposed to be his closest friend. Turk wonders what he can do to make it up to him. JD fantasizes that Turk gives him a unicorn. But it's fake. So to make that up to him. Turk gives him another unicorn. But the horn is fake. Turk tells him that unicorns aren't real. Back in real life, Turk offers to let JD beat him in basketball while the nurses watch, and they'll yell "White Lightning" every time JD scores.
Elliot wheels Shannon out of the hospital. Shannon thanks her. Turk and JD practice yelling "White Lightning" after JD makes a lay-up.
Janitor tests the water with lady by showing her a stuffed squirrel that he "found at a garage sale." Lady is disgusted, so Janitor quickly puts it away. Turk shows JD that he talked to Kelso about the whole prank with The Todd, and JD is back to number one. As Shannon is loaded into her car, the nurse asks Elliot if there's anything else she needs to know. Elliot pauses, and then says that there's nothing. Couldn't Elliot be liable if she knowingly prescribed drugs to a suicidal patient? Maybe I'm reading too much into this.
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