JD and Sam stand in the hospital, and JD is wearing Sam in a Snugli on his chest. JD notices that Sam does the same head tilt as Dad when he's daydreaming, and Turk wonders what Sam is dreaming about. Cut to the MOST DISTURBING FANTASY SEQUENCE on this show EVER, where JD and Turk and Kelso and all of the other men all have big milk-filled breasts, and then Kelso breastfeeds little Sam, and then Turk squirts milk on JD and they totally show his fake nipple and WTF???!!!??? Fantasy over, thank God. Turk wants to play basketball with JD, but Carla hopes that Turk wants to spend time with his daughter. Turk realizes that Carla's not really giving him a choice.
A board member notes that it's almost Kelso's birthday, and wonders how old Kelso is going to be. Kelso ducks the answer and heads into the elevator with Elliot, who decides that she's going to throw Kelso a birthday party. Kelso, as you might imagine, doesn't want a party.
Dr. Cox talks to Jordan and Jack via iChat. Jordan wants Perry to say goodbye to Jack in his "silly voice." Perry thinks Jack is too old for that, since he's almost four and people can nearly understand half of what he says. Jack says something that's subtitled, "I like lightning?????" but I actually understood as, "I like Lightning McQueen, bicycles, stuffed pizza." Hey, I have nephews. I speak fluent toddler. Perry says he's not doing the voice, and Jack runs away crying.
Turk and JD make their respective children pretend to hit on each other. Oh, those babies are cute. Turk says that he misses goofing off with JD. He wants their babies to get married so he can hang out with JD all the time. JD thinks Izzy has competition, since Sam turned his head to look at Dr. Cox's baby girl the other day. JD admits that he turned Sam's head. JD then goes into a routine where he pretends Sam is catcalling another baby who is riding by in a baby carriage, complete with ass-spanking. Well, that's a great lesson to teach your son.
Turk tells JD that he has huge news; he has the afternoon free, and so does JD. Turk wonders when the last time is they did something stupid. JD recalls that they told an intern, Rex, that he could have the weekend off if he followed a doctor named Hooch everywhere for the whole day. We see this happening, and Hooch doesn't like it. Turk meant something "off-the-hook stupid." JD remembers the second day of college. Flashback to Turk (Chocolate Bear), JD (Vanilla Bear), and...another guy (Caramel Bear) vowing to be BFF. Or, excuse me, "bears for life!" Caramel Bear grabs a bag of presumably dog poop, lights it on fire, and rings the doorbell on a nearby house. The door opens, and a giant guy pulls Caramel Bear inside. Back in the present, Turk says that they don't know that Caramel Bear died, and JD reminds him that Caramel Bear's parents came and got his stuff, and his roommates got a 4.0 without ever attending class.
Dr. Cox visits a patient, a young boy named Josh, who says he's a little tired but okay, and asks after the doctor. Dr. Cox says he recently lost the ability to break down dairy products. Carla giggles, "Whoa, TMI! Am I right, Josh? Too much information?" Dr. Cox says he's going to leave Josh with "Nurse Early '90s Catchphrases." That joke would be a lot funnier if they hadn't done it onThe Officelike two seasons ago. Don't go there, show. In the hallway, Cox explains to Josh's parents that Josh is anemic with a high white blood cell count, and Cox is worried it might be leukemia, but they'll know more when the tests come back. Josh's parents barely react.
Elliot announces to everyone that Kelso's birthday party will be tomorrow. Ted claims he's not going to the party, and that's it. Elliot says that's fine, and Ted caves and says he'll go, and he'll also pick up the cake and decorations. Elliot thinks they need 58 candles, but others pipe up to say that Kelso seems to turn 58 every year. Elliot wants someone to help her find out Kelso's real age. Janitor slides into the screen and says, "You rang?" He giggles that he always wanted to say that, but nothing actually rang. But he does hear bells in his head. But now they're gone. Nope, back. Gone. Back....now they're gone. Now they're back. This goes on for a while.
Turk announces he has made plans for his and JD's big goofing-off day. Doesn't that kind of go against the whole point of goofing off? Turk wants to go old school: "World's Most Giant Black Doctor." JD though they were going to save that for Black History Month or to scare racists. Turk says a patient asked him to finish his fried chicken today. Turk ate it, but he was offended. Also, Turk made a giant stethoscope, which the guys show Carla, who pretends like she loves it, but she really rolls her eyes at it.
Carla gives Dr. Cox Josh's biopsy results. Cox barely glances at the folder before telling Josh's parents that the kid has "hairy-cell leukemia." Dr. Cox says it's treatable, and he's willing to talk to Josh about it. The parents reveal that they've decided not to tell Josh that he has cancer. Cox is stunned.
Elliot, Janitor, and Ted plot to figure out Kelso's age. Ted suggests lining up a hundred people from age 1 to 100, and then figuring out where Kelso fits in. Janitor suggests that they cut off Kelso's legs and count the rings. Elliot realizes she's not going to get any help from these two, until Janitor points out that he has keys to the personnel files.
Rex is still following Hooch around, and Hooch threatens to burn him. Carla laughs that Hooch is crazy. Cox still can't believe that Josh's parents won't tell him about his disease, especially since Josh is more mature than most of the doctors in the hospital. JD runs in with a giant clipboard, and Cox snarks, "Exhibit A. Through Z." JD takes out a giant pencil and pretends to take notes on Cox's advice. Cox wants JD to write this down: "I, John Dorian, am a ridiculous, thirty-two year old overgrown infant." Cox reminds JD that two weeks ago, he was asking everyone if he needed to grow up, and Cox thought maybe becoming a father would be an epiphany. Cox concludes with sarcarsm, "Way to go. We are all super-proud of you."
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Turks waits outside in his giant lab coat. Kelso walks out and confirms that he hired Turk as a surgeon, and then says, "Way to go, Bob." JD walks out and says he's not going to play with Turk today, because it's time for them to grow up.
Elliot and Janitor check Kelso's file and find out that Kelso is turning 65.
Dr. Cox goes into Josh's room and fills him in on his leukemia. WOW! Doctors are always pulling this shit on TV, but I have to imagine it would result in a GIANT lawsuit. Whether or not you were a giant doctor.
Ted tells Dr. Cox that Josh's parents are livid. Well, I would guess so. Nearby, Elliot tells Kelso that she has a secret. My favorite moment of the episode is what Kelso says : "What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and doesn't give a crap? [points thumbs at himself and speaks in funny voice] Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep it fresh."Elliot says she has 65 reasons why she should give a crap. The elevator doors open and Janitor blurts, "You're old!" He continues as the elevator doors closes, "Yes! I've been saying that every time the doors open for the last two hours, and I finally got my man. [Puts his hand up for a high five] Give it up! Little something! Still got time! [Doors close] We'll do it later!"
JD apologizes if he hurt Turk's feelings with his refusal to be childish. Turk says he's not upset, mostly because he plans on winning JD back over to the childish side. JD walks off, but ends up getting threatened by crazy Hooch.
Ted is really worried about the lawsuit Dr. Cox is surely to get slapped with any moment now. Cox thinks Carla will back him up, but Carla says she's not planning on it, but she is planning on being there when Cox gets his "bony, white ass handed to [him]." Dr. Cox goes into Josh's room with his parents to talk this over. Inside the room, Dr. Cox asks Josh to tell his parents what he said when Cox told him about his leukemia. Josh says that he already knew he was sick, because his mom was doing a weird smile. His parents apologize, and Cox walks aside to taunt Carla that his ass is still intact. Carla sighs that he just doesn't get it.
Turk asks JD for some help. He goes into a medical question, but then interrupts to say that Hooch is on the verge of a major meltdown. Now Rex plus three other interns are following him around, because Turk promises the one who sticks with it the longest a letter of recommendation. Hooch promises to kill the followers.
Kelso is pissed that Elliot and Janitor read his private personnel file. Is the theme of this episode "Lawsuits, And How To Attract Them?" My Lawsuit? My Legal Troubles? Anyway, Janitor says that his personnel file says his name is Captain Billy Stinkwater and he's half-gopher. Elliot doesn't think Kelso should be so sensitive about his age, because old people command more respect and get discounts. Janitor adds that people think it's adorable when old people toot. Kelso farts and Elliot goes, "Awww!" Elliot hypes up the party, which will have cake and presents. Janitor is forced to give Kelso his drill as a gift. Kelso says he doesn't want a party, and Elliot says there's just one problem. Cut to Kelso walking into his surprise party, which Ted has decorated with Hannukah decorations, because they were on sale.
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Carla gives Josh a basketball that she stole from Turk's locker. Outside, Cox gives her a piece of Kelso's cake and a dreidel. Carla is still pissed, and won't tell Cox why.
JD sees Turk with a little piece of a saltine behind his ear but refuses to play "Hide the Saltine." Carla walks by and snags it. Cox rushes up and he and JD yell in unison, "Wait! Why are you torturing me?"
Kelso accepts a piece of cake. Elliot can't believe he's smiling. Kelso thinks it's like when Enid's safety brake failed on her wheelchair and she started rolling toward the pool. He realized there was nothing he could do, so he might as well enjoy it. Ted gives Kelso a drill for a gift, and Janitor snags it. The board member from the opening walks up and says that they need to find a new surgeon, because Hooch was involved in a hostage situation. Board Member also notes that Kelso is 65, which he finds very interesting for some reason.
Cafeteria. Turk asks Carla what happened to his autographed Michael Jordan basketball, and Carla claims ignorance. Cox and JD sit down and demand to talk. Turk and Carla agree to work as a team on this. Turk says he's torturing JD because he's changing who he is. JD says that Turk told him to grow up, and Turk says he just meant that JD needed to be more responsible now that he's a dad, and he's doing it. Carla tells Cox that he was extremely cavalier about taking Josh's childhood away, and now Josh is spending all his time on his laptop researching leukemia mortality rates, so Carla gave him a basketball to distract him. Turk is all, "What?" and Carla reminds him they're a team. Cox says people don't need childhoods, and JD points out that Cox's parents were violent alcoholics. Carla thinks JD should be proud of the kid inside of him. Turk adds that they both want their kids to be kids as long as possible. Mission accomplished, Turk and Carla walk off while Turk says she needs to get his basketball back from the cancer kid.
JD VOs that people need to hang onto their childhoods. Cox talks to Jack on iChat and does the funny voices. JD and Turk do Giant Black Doctor, as Turk tries to get people to sign a petition to make the hospital more giant-accessible. Board Member visits Kelso to remind him that it's hospital policy to have administrators step down when they reach 65, so they're going to start looking for his replacement. Kelso asks the guy to keep it quiet for now and looks really, really sad. Oh, come on. I'm sure the board knew how old Kelso was. If that's the policy, someone must be keeping tabs on such things. ["Not to mention that's another great example of Lawsuits, And How To Attract Them." -- Miss Alli] But Kelso still looks really sad.
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