Carla and Turk are making out in a hospital bed, and talking about how exciting it is to make out in a hospital bed. Turk ups the ante by lashing Carla's wrists with soft restraints. JD shows up and Turk says, "He's here to kill you." Carla doesn't think Elliot will let them get away with it, and Elliot pops in to say that she'll go along with it because she gets to raise Izzy. JD is triumphant, because once Carla is dead, he and Turk can travel the world and go to water parks. Elliot charges up some paddles with the dial set to "Kill Carla," and just as JD administers the shock, Carla wakes up from her dream.
The day, Carla tells her dream to JD and Turk. This causes JD to remember the last time he went to a water park, when Turk came down the slide right behind him, naked: "Felt like I got pistol-whipped." Carla ignores their idiocy to say that she was the most disturbed because the dream was in English, and she always dreams in Spanish. Turk reminds her that dreams don't reflect reality, just as Elliot walks by carrying Izzy and saying something about how she's going to come live with Elliot.
Jordan grabs some toilet paper rolls, and Janitor yells at her before spinning a tale about how he calls toilet paper rolls "babies" because he didn't have any toys as a kid, so he had to make his own, out of toilet paper rolls. And then he named them. And then he tried to sell them. And no one bought them. Jordan reminds him that there's a reason she doesn't usually talk to him, then purposely spills her coffee on the counter. After she leaves, Janitor licks it up.
JD notices this interaction and advises Janitor to connect with people. JD demonstrates by talking to all of his "friends": Colonel Doctor, Snoop Dogg Attending, and Dr. Beardface. None of them look happy to see JD.
Cox looks at an X-ray and says it's a healthy bone. So of course, The Todd pops up and says, "Speaking of healthy bones?" Jordan interrupts, but The Todd can't be stopped: "I've got one in my pants." Jordan tells him that she's taking the kids to her mother's for the weekend, and leaves so that Cox can celebrate his alone time. Cox responds by starting the wave, which goes aaaaallll the way around the hospital like twice. Was this episode short on time or something?
At home, Turk presents Izzy as his "African princess." Carla starts crooning to her in Spanish, and Turk reminds her that he doesn't want Carla speaking to Izzy only in Spanish, since he doesn't know it. Maybe he could learn? I'm just saying. Carla promises that she speaks both languages, but then as soon as Turk is out the door, it's all Spanish. Turk walks back in: English. So Turk pretends to leave and busts Carla speaking Spanish.
Jordan is preparing to leave, and insists that Perry will miss her while she's gone, more than she will miss him. Cox retorts, "Oh, please. Underneath those four pounds of makeup and quarter-inch of synthetically-paralyzed skin, there is a frightened little drunk girl that I can already hear blubbering on the phone." He imitates her crying. Jordan responds by imitating him crying. They go on for a moment, and Jordan bets him that he'll call her first. Cox takes that bet.
JD wonders what Cox will do, since he's alone for the weekend. JD Fantasy time! Cox slides into frame, Risky Business-style, complete with white socks and white shirt. You see far less of his tighty-whities than you did those of Mr. Tom Cruise, thankfully. Before he can really kick it into high gear, JD (also in costume) slides in and runs into him. As Cox is telling him to get out, Turk slides in too. JD tells Turk that Cox said no, and they start arguing as The Todd slides in. Except The Todd is only wearing camouflage bikini underwear and no shirt. He asks the other guys why they're wearing such giant underwear. And his parts are all flopping around, as per usual.
JD ends his fantasy and tells Elliot, "Sometimes, you just gotta say, 'What the fudge?'" Elliot tells him that's not the line, but JD says he only saw Risky Business once, and it was on a plane. I had that problem with The Breakfast Club for a long time. When I saw the uncensored version, I was scandalized!
Not Laverne walks up and asks Janitor for some toilet paper. JD tells her that she looks just like a nurse that used to work there. He doesn't mention that the nurse died -- poor taste. JD decides he's going to call this new nurse (whose name is actually Shirley) "Lavern-again."
Turk and Carla argue over the Spanish-speaking issue. Carla wants Izzy to know her heritage, and ultimately wants to take her "to the homeland." Turk's like, "Chicago?" Carla was talking about the Dominican Republic, and she warns Turk not to say that's where he bought his wrinkle-free chinos. JD tries to get involved in the conversation, but neither Turk nor Carla particularly wants his advice.
Elliot plops down at a table in the cafeteria with Cox and Kelso, since there's nowhere else to sit. Cox tries to get her to leave, and Elliot says he's just cranky with Jordan gone. She's in the same boat, now that Keith is gone for good from her life. She points out that Kelso is alone too, since his wife kicked him out, so maybe they should be "The Lonely Hearts Table." Cox points out the real Lonely Hearts Table, as Ted's singing group does an a capella version of "Who Are You?" Cox says he's not lonely. He's a lot of things -- "a Scorpio, a registered independent, a foodie, a parrot-head (yes, I do love that Jimmy Buffett, always have, always will), a leg man" – and Kelso adds, "a right bastard," as Cox concludes that the one thing he is NOT is lonely.
Janitor tells JD that the new nurse hates her nickname. JD doubts it, and Lavern-again pops up and says that she does hate it. Janitor asks if JD knows anyone's real name, since he's all about connections with people. JD says he does, and Snoop Dogg Attending, Colonel Doctor, and Dr. Beardface all pop up. JD has to admit that he doesn't know anyone's real name.
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Carla can't believe Turk doesn't know anything about his heritage, and Turk says it's because he doesn't really care.
Cox gets home to find a message from Jack and Jordan on his machine. Jordan insists that it doesn't count as her calling him because she made Jack dial and she's not talking to him in real time. She's going to stay with her mother for a whole week. Cox looks flabbergasted at this news.
Cox is at the hospital, and he offers to help Ted carry some files, but quickly abandons ship when he sees Elliot approaching, since he doesn't want Elliot to know he's being nice to people. Elliot says she heard Jordan is staying away for a week, and that she and Jordan text each other all the time now. After Elliot's gone, Cox helps Ted pick up his files, and discovers they're full of blank paper. What in hell was all that about?
JD vows to Janitor that he'll learn everyone in the hospital's name by the end of the day. JD thinks he can do it because he memorized all the bones in the human body while drunk in college. Janitor names the terms: if he wins, JD is janitor for the day, but if JD wins, Janitor will do his own job for the day. JD wonders why that's a deal, and Janitor says he'll actually do his job for the day. JD wonders if he even knows how.
Cox is wandering around, looking for people who need help. Of course, JD hears this cry. Cox gets roped into quizzing JD on people's names, which doesn't go well. Cox suggests that JD try mnemonic devices. For example, Ted looks like someone who would never get to make love to a woman unless she was dead. And dead rhymes with Ted. Elliot walks up and says that she knows Cox was lonely because he's actually hanging out with JD. Cox has no reply, and JD takes advantage and puts his arm around Cox's shoulders to show just how close they are. Cox can't say anything, because that would be admitting to Elliot that he's lonely.
Turk proudly announces to Carla that he learned some things about his heritage, like he's distantly related to the guy who invented peanuts. No, not George Washington Carver. The guy who invented styrofoam packing peanuts. Carla blurts out that she feels like she's losing all connection to her identity. Her best friend is Whitey Elliot McPaleface. And everyone thinks her baby is black. Turk doesn't think that's true. Carla stops a random doctor and asks what race he thinks Izzy is, and the doctor gets it exactly right. Because he's a geneticist.
Cox is whining to Elliot and JD that he used to be an island, and now he can't survive one night without his family. He also feels like he's losing his identity. So Ted and the guys start singing "Who Are You?" again. Elliot yells at Cox for whining because he's attached to his family, since he's better now than when he was the jackass that no one could stand to be around. Cox liked being that guy, but Elliot snaps that he's still that guy, but now he has people who are happy to see him when he gets home. Man, Elliot is pinchy this week. Is her underwear too small or something?
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Turk giggles that Carla thinks she could stop being a proud Latin woman. Her ringtone is Latin music. She makes doctors ask for favors in Spanish. Turk vows that she'll always be "a Latina with an upside-down exclamation point."
Janitor shows JD slides and forces him to name the people. JD uses his mnemonic devices to name the people successfully.
Carla has the same dream as the opening sequence, but this time it's in Spanish. There's even telenovela-style music. She wakes up and tells Turk she was having a great dream. Turk is listening to Spanish lessons on his iPod.
Perry talks to Jordan and Jack via iChat, and admits that he misses his family. Jordan won't say it back, but you can tell she misses him too.
JD continues naming people. Janitor says that he lost the bet because there's one name that he doesn't know. He doesn't know Janitor's name. So JD starts mopping the floor and complains that the ammonia is making him violent and angry. Janitor says it always starts that way as JD snaps at someone walking by.
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