JD and Turk gaze at a baby in the nursery as JD reflects on how awesome it is being a dad. Problem is, that's not his little boy, Sam. And it's a girl. JD yells at Turk for ruining the moment he was having, and Turk backstories that Kim and Sam moved forty minutes away. JD vows to visit his son that night.
The hospital got a new scale, and all the ladies are wary of it. Elliot complains (brags) that, since her breakup with Keith, she's down a dress size. Turk tells her that she looks sick, which Elliot takes as a compliment. Turk wants to see how much Carla weighs. Oh, huge mistake. JD fantasizes what would happen if Turk forced the issue: the female staffers would carry him to the scale, weigh him, and then Carla would stamp him with the word "Tubbo" and everyone would laugh. And then they would carry JD to the scale, and Carla would stamp him with the words "Muscles Wanted."
Ted, in full biking regalia, scolds Janitor for driving a gas guzzler. And to make matters worse, Janitor leaves his engine running all day so that the AC keeps his car nice and cool. Ted is horrified, and orders Janitor to see An Inconvenient Truth. Cut to Janitor watching the movie in the lounge, horrified.
JD and Turk enter an elevator, and Cox (already inside) complains that he has to hear JD whine. So he picks up his stethoscope and breathes into it to make white noise, drowning out JD's voice. JD tells Turk he hates that Sam lives so far away, and hates driving his scooter there, and hates that Sam and "his stupid flopsy baby neck" can't wear a helmet and ride the scooter with him yet. The worst part is that JD's "loser brother" is coming to visit. Turk shows JD a bloody guy on a surgical table and explains that things could be worse. Behind JD's back, the bloody guy sits up -- it's Dan, JD's brother! He scares the bejeezus out of JD as the entire hospital staff watches and applauds. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox continues to provide himself with white noise.
JD tries to get his brother back by jumping out of a doorway and yelling, "Ah, I'm a monster." Dan and Turk are (a) not frightened and (b) not amused.
Dr. Cox advises a patient who's stressed out to stop getting worked up over small things. Except he acts out each and every word, and it's hilarious. Then he yells at an intern for making his coffee too hot. Elliot is disgusted by Cox's hypocrisy, telling patients to reduce stress and then being a big stressball himself. She thinks of other hypocrites: a leathery fake-tanned doctor telling patients to use sunscreen, or Kelso smoking a pipe and telling a patient that smoking is killing him.
Janitor is ready to follow this week's green initiative and save the planet. He volunteers to be Environmental Officer, and Kelso agrees, especially since it will be free.
JD and Dan have lunch in the cafeteria with Turk and Carla. JD explains that Dan is not so much living with their mom as he is living in the attic of his mom's house. JD has a great time pointing out all the ways in which Dan is kind of a failure, until Dan busts out that he's started flipping houses, and it turns out he's "really good at lying and double-speak." JD wonders why he paid for lunch if Dan's doing so well, and Dan says that he'll never turn down a free lunch. This exchange reminded me so much of my older brother that I had to reproduce it. It's like the grown-up version of a game my brother used to love to play with me called "Why are you hitting yourself?"
Dan: [Takes half of JD's sandwich]
JD: You have your own sandwich.
Dan: Now I have yours. [Takes bite] Mayo? [Spits out bite onto tray]
Elliot visits a patient who fainted. The patient wants to pretend she saw a ghost, since that would be more interesting. Elliot promises to try to find "something exotic, but not fatal." Cox watches her walk away as the intern lifts his coffee mug to his mouth for him.
Janitor tells Kelso that he can't park in his usual spot, because it's reserved for carpoolers. Kelso asks about the penalty, and Janitor says that he can only give a citation and suggested punishment. In this circumstance, Janitor might throw a wasp hive in the car and mess with the locks. In fact, that's exactly what Janitor did to Turk.
Dan thinks JD needs cheering up, so he reveals that he bought JD a new hybrid car. JD is more confused than happy.
Elliot tells her patient, Robyn, that she's malnourished. Robyn protests that she eats, and Elliot runs down all the symptoms and causes. Hey, one of my best friends in college collapsed from malnutrition. Twice. The second time, an ambulance came and they strapped him to the board and everything. He's fine, now. And he was not a heavy exerciser or anything -- just had a really fast metabolism and was an impoverished college student. As Elliot explains the diagnosis, Cox creeps in behind her and listens in. Elliot tells Robyn to gain some weight. Cox picks Elliot up and carries her out of the room. In the hall, he explains that Elliot is the same height as her patient; he wonders how her weight compares. Elliot starts screeching.
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Dan tells JD that he bought the car so that JD could visit his kid and not have to drive the scooter. JD refuses the gift, but then takes an ashtray and tries to smash the windshield. It bounces off.
Cox weighs himself holding Elliot, and then figures out that she weighs a pound less than her malnourished patient does. Cox tells Elliot that she's the hypocrite.
JD is still trying to smash the windshield, with no luck. Dan wants to know what the problem is. JD pauses, but then goes for it and tells Dan that he's supposed to be the loser brother, not JD. He finally succeeds in smashing the windshield. Dan tells JD to grow up. JD's environmental punishment for hurting a hybrid car? Janitor smashes an aluminum can on his forehead.
Back in the hospital, JD VOs that he's not speaking to his brother. In response, Dan has become a character he calls "The Constant Questioner." I'm sure you can guess what that consists of.
Dr. Cox announces Mattel's newest creation: Hypocrite Barbie. Elliot grabs him and drags him into Robyn's room, where she asks Robyn if they should gain a few pounds together. Robyn agrees, and tells Dr. Cox he has crazy eyes.
Janitor chastises Carla for washing her hands so often. Carla explains that she just changed an old guy's diaper and now she's going to eat a muffin. Ted walks by and says that he doesn't want to see what's , because he thinks Carla's punishment is going to be drinking mop water. Janitor tells Carla that he won't make her do it, but that they have to pretend that he did. JD walks over and complains that Dan told him he needs to grow up. He asks if Carla thinks that too. JD VO explains that "The Hedging Noise Symphony" followed, which consists of quick cuts of various hospital staffers making "um" and "er" noises set to (I think) Bizet's Carmen. On first viewing, I paused it here and turned to my husband and said, "How the fuck am I supposed to weecap that?" It was pretty genius, though.
JD asks Dr. Cox, "Do you think I need to grow up?" Cox muses that you prepare your whole life for something, and when it happens, you're not ready, but that he's going to give it a shot: "The answer is a sincere, emphatic, one hundred percent definitive, never-been-so-sure-of-anything-in-my-life, unequivocal yes. And the fact that you came to me means everybody else thinks so too." JD flashes back to everyone else saying yes too, including Kelso saying, "Oh hells yeah."
JD goes to his guy-lover, Turk, for some understanding. Turk has painted a Harry Potter scar and glasses on his face and says that Carla asked him to trash his face paint. Instead, he paints basketball lines on his head, and JD pretends to dribble his skull. Until he tries to go between the legs, and they realize that it's too weird.
Elliot has two pieces of cake. She explains to Carla and Ted about her weight gain. Okay, she's a doctor. She must know that there are healthier ways to pack on a couple of pounds. Ted is impressed that Elliot is willing to "go all jiggly for a patient." Cox interrupts and gets everyone to agree that Elliot has been looking fantastic lately. Elliot throws down her cake. This storyline is dumb.
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Meanwhile, Janitor throws something in the trash instead of the recycling bin, even though it's, like, two steps away. Ted yells at him: "What happened to you, man? You were going to change the world!" Janitor: "I've learned to pick my battles in this world. Otherwise you fight, and you fight, and one day you look in the mirror and there's an old man looking back at you, and you have to ask yourself, 'Was it all worth it?'" Ted: "It's been thirty-six hours! I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved: I'm really disappointed in you. You are pathetic and weak and I don't love you anymore. Get out!" I don't know why that exchange cracked me up so much, but it did.
Turk tells JD that he really does need to grow up. I just realized why Turk's basketball head looks so weird; he's painted his face orange. ["It's probably hard to tell when a TV character has done that as a joke when half the people on TV are fake 'n baked anyway." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Turk says that he has fun time with JD, but then he has grown-up time with Carla and the baby. JD hasn't even babyproofed his apartment or changed a diaper. In fact, he hasn't even seen Sam since Kim left.
Elliot and Janitor commiserate over their moral failings. Carla tells them that they are both human, and that they mess up. Carla reminds Elliot that she gave her the same advice two weeks ago. Carla tells them that their actions are human, but that they need to stop whining about it.
JD invites Dan to meet his son. They hop in the hybrid. Dan reminds JD that he's the one who urged him to get his life together. JD didn't think Dan would ever do it, but he's happy for his brother. The problem is that JD doesn't know how to turn on the car.
Elliot tells Robyn that the nurses said she isn't eating enough. Robyn wonders how Elliot's doing, and Elliot says that this isn't about her, and that she didn't faint at the office. Dr. Cox wanders by and makes a skinny joke, and seriously -- dumb.
Kelso starts carpooling with a bunch of other doctors. Ted and Janitor are proud.
JD holds Sam and VOs that he thought growing up happened automatically as you got older, but that apparently you have to choose to do it. JD and Dan drive home with the smashed windshield, and Dan says, "[Sam] looks like Dad." JD smiles, "I know."
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