Those dammed Gregorian monks chant away, and we arrive in a church. Joe is there...attending services. Whuh? His voice-over only adds to my confusion: "I am definitely a religious person. The spirit is inside me. God is my friend, my buddy. He guides me." What? What is happening here? Who's your buddy? Guide what now? More shots of Joe's lips moving as he reads one of those big church books only confuse me more. Somehow, this badly phrased sit-down aside about Ick is relevant to the God stuff: "Whether we're going to stay together is the point where we're at." Oh, I need someone to be my buddy and guide me now. God? Are you there? It's me...Alex.
Alice in Chains wails away as Joe holds his head during yet another Phone Call of Pain with -- guess who? That's right, people. Ick. The monster you love to hate. Joe asks whether she'll be leaving Monday. Ick says yes, and asks, "Why did you walk out? I told you I don't have the energy to chase after you." Oh energy smenergy, Ick could catch Lilliputian Joe in half a stride of her monster legs. It's Godzilla versus Bambi. Joe tries to get a word in as Ick insists, "I thought you had conquered this problem." No, Joe is still dating you; the problem still exists. Joe says, "I need an itty-bitty ounce of trust and understanding." Hee hee, Joe said "itty-bitty." He decides to come over to the hotel, and we see shots of long-legged native Miamians rollerblading to "Here Comes the Hotstepper."
The horrid song continues over footage of Dan posing for photos in some public park. The photographer stops shooting to deliver a lecture on how Dan is supposed to act when he goes out on go-sees and such. In a nutshell, he's supposed to act butch. "It's the birdcage syndrome...you have a strong, masculine, movie-star face." Bwa! Cut to video of Dan saying, fey as hell, that he's "too flamboyant." Or flamingly buoyant, whatever. Cut back to the photographer saying, "It's the old Rock Hudson situation." Yeah, you want Dan to saddle up and ride to the closet for the sake of commercialism. Dan says, "It's cool. I mean it sucks, but it's cool." I totally agree, except for the cool part.
Dan's reading Arnie's tarot cards. Cue the scary ghost noises! WhooOOooo! Does anyone remember Sandra Bernhard's routine about wanting to meet Stevie Nicks and sing and whirl around and do tarot cards with her, except she pronounced it "ta-ROW"? Anyone? No? Okay, back to the show. Dan lays the cards out and thinks they're all about Arnie's closeted state, or rather, "lies [he's] leading...things that aren't truthful to [himself]." Then, Dan comes right out and says, "All the cards say, 'You have to come out of the closet.'" It's a sign, see? A big, giant sign. Does everyone get it now? Closet bad.
Joe plays pool alone. Heh. His balls sink sadly. Hee hee! Joe plays the side pocket. I could go on. Joe's lonely voice-over intones, "For two and a half months I've been trying to rationalize my work...Nicole comes down and makes me feel like my time has been wasted." Joe's balls clank loudly. Pool balls, that is. Cyn, the voice of reason, says, "All of his stress would be alleviated if he would just leave her alone." More shots of Joe's lonely pool playing set to Duran Duran's "Come Undone" follow. Oh boy.
Joe forlornly drives a convertible over to see Ick. How can you be depressed and drive a convertible? Joe is a tiny drama queen. His voice-over reveals that he's at a "crossroads" with Ick. UH. DOY.
Hotel fight, again! This is awkwardly staged with an outside shot of a hotel room window, with murky shadows moving around inside. Yeah, that looks legal. Ick says, "I did not lie to you! Don't put words in my mouth. You went on a date with that girl! I am going inwards with him!" BWA! "Inwards" -- what is that code for? The phone rings. Ick explains in a sit-down, "I hear a guy's voice, 'I came by, I brought a rose, I heard a man yelling at you.'" Does this make sense to anyone? Joe has Ick backed up against a wall. Ick looks scared and says, "I didn't do anything!" "He came by with a rose, Nic. Wake. Up." Ick tries to protest, and Joe says, "Do you want to nip this thing in the bud right now?" What, the rose? Ick pretends to look like she's thinking. There's a long pause. Joe snaps, "Good-bye," and heads for the door. Ick hollers, "You're not letting me answer the question!" Joe, in a pique of bad syntax, says, "How long does it gotta take to answer the question? And how long does it gotta take for me to realize that you don't give a shit about me? Cause it takes you five minutes to answer a question that you should have said in seconds!" Well, Joe, maybe that's how long it's gotta take! Ick remains pressed against the wall. Tense music plays. Joe yells at the top of his tiny lungs, "Do you wanna talk wit me, or do you wanna bullshit wit me?" Ick wipes her wet, monstery eyes and whispers, "Joe, please calm down." Wow, this is like the part in King Kong when poor King Kong is getting shot at and is waving away planes but is weakening and you feel sorry for him, a little. There's a cut and finally Queen Ick is freed from her corner and Tiny Joe Young seems soothed. They decide to talk it out, and we're out.
Time for a nap -- I mean a business meeting. Landon's here! Apparently, Joe went off with Ick and no one knows when he'll be back. Sarah says, "I think they got [sic] eloped." Heh. Dan, who's not doing that Rock Hudson thing too well, snaps, "Who's here is who's here." In a sit-down, Dan elaborates, "When Joe's not here, the business is over." May I just say, it can't be over if it NEVER WAS!
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Morning in Miami, beautiful as usual. Dan's at the airport, picking up his brother and what I guess is his brother's woman friend. Back at the house, Arnie expresses concern over where they're going to sleep. Dan didn't work it out. In a sit-down, Dan explains that he "thought [he] could stay at Arnie's, but Arnie has guests and can't share a bedroom with me because he's in the closet. "
Abrupt cut to Dan and Arnie yelling at each other outside. With arms folded, Arnie asks, "Are you going to stay here?" Dan un-Rock Hudson-ly snaps, "YES! Where else can I go? I'm not going to sneak into your apartment." Arnie stalks off to his car hissing, "Fine! Don't! You can be such an ASSHOLE sometimes, Dan!" Dan stomps into the house only to do a quick about-face and come right back outside again. "What? Excuse me?" No one calls Rock Hudson an asshole and gets away with it. Dan repeats, "I'm not going to sneak around." Arnie says, "Fine! Don't!" I HATE it when people say "fine," when things totally aren't fine. SO annoying. Arnie says, "You don't understand!" Dan shrieks, "What don't I understand?" Arnie wants Dan to say it's fine that he can't stay over. Dan says, "I would never lie about what you mean to me." Yay, Dan! Cut to Dan in the confessional, where he explains, "It's not about being gay or straight, or a political or social label, it's about being with whom you want to be with." WORD. HUGE WORD. Dan is my fucking hero right now. Back at the Car Fight, Dan says, "What am I, some person who's gonna sneak into your room when it's convenient?" Yeah, what is he, Rock Hudson? Arnie says, "Forget it. Call me when you want to call me, if you want to call me." We get some tense overhead shots of the house, and we're out.
Morning, beach, bird, house. The roomies and Dan's brother and s.o. are sitting around. Flora asks sotto voce, "Does your brother know you're gay?" Dan knows an opening when he sees it, and goes for it. "C'mere, honey, sit down. I'm a homosexual." Everyone laughs, because they're on TV. Then Melissa asks, "How do you FEEL about that," and oh my god how fucking trite is this, even in 1993? The brother is FINE with it. He came down for a fucking holiday weekend, not to convert Dan back to breederdom. Dan says his family is the "poster family for mid-western conservative values." Oh, really, Mr. Hudson? Amy, the s.o., says, "I think your parents are terrific. I know other people whose parents abandon them." Dan yells, "That's what's happening with Arnie!" Somehow it comes out that Dan and Arnie have fallen out with each other. The roomies all yell in disbelief. Dan looks sad.
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