Svet is acting like a brat having not been made manager of their giant commercial of a business endeavor. She thinks that Zach is a bad manager. John doesn't want to go to Pier 1. (He's not the only one). However, the others go to Pier 1 and break things. The kids are excited about their progress on the Mystic Tan place. (Here, they are the only ones.) Svet overhears Zach talking shit about her while he's in the shower. Zach confronts Svet, but she doesn't hear the criticism. Svet and Paula change the décor the boys did, and return most of the Pier 1 stuff. (Join the club...of everyone who has ever made the mistake of buying anything from Pier 1.) Bossman Ricky gets mad at their constant waffling, and fires them all for the day. When Tyler learns that Svet changed the décor he worked hard on ("hard on" -- heh), he gets very angry. Zach drives down to see the décor change, and they get into a big fight. Tyler hides the phone so that Svet can't run and call Martin, so she'll have to deal with them. Tyler and Zach yell at Svet for a while. Svet finally calls Martin and cries. God, how that Mafioso can deal with her, I'll never understand. Every phone call is a giant sobbing tantrum. She says she wants to go home. John convinces her not to, and that she can learn a lot here. The kids return to the salon and find that Ricky has fixed the décor and that it looks nice, supposedly. They all agree to work together from now on. Of course, they won't.
Previously: Zach decided he wanted to be manager of the tanning salon. Svet got pissed. The kids voted Zach to be manager. Svet sulked. The Baby Jesus wept. A panda in a zoo in St. Louis yawned. A distant star imploded. A schoolteacher in Winnipeg ate dinner alone. Meg Ryan stood over the crib of her adopted child and wept, wondering if there wasn't an easier way to get back in the news.
Opening credits. Gay porn shots. Melanoma.
Key West. Island. Water. House. Zach shows Tyler the list of pointless and yet impossible goals he wrote out for the salon. Tyler, in one of his lesser Oscar Wilde quips, says that they're already struggling with goal #1 -- which we see is "Teamwork over individual effort." Tyler says he feels bad for Svet because her sulkitude displays her bad character. And because she's not as fabulous as he is!
Zach camera-fros that he wants to prove to everybody that he was a good choice to be manager, and that he deserves the position. You know what would have been good, B/M, MTV, et al? If we had any investment whatsoever in the kids doing a good job with this business. At all. Even a little. Moreover, if you're going to spend all this time talking about who is going to be "manager," give us context. Let us know what that means. Because for the last two weeks, I feel like I've been stuck in an endless business meeting and all I want to do is sneak out and go back to my cubicle and download some music and steal a printer and then have sex (rushed, sweaty, perfect) with the cute brunette from marketing in the empty IT room, up against the whirring servers, skirt hiked up over hips, Yoda bobblehead falling off an IT guy's desk, the marketing girl's marriage plans crumbling with every thrust--
Whew. Sorry. Where was I? Oh, right. Recapping The Real World. Joy.
FORD! The kids drive to work. Zach ask Svet to do something about the awnings at work, but Svet dead-faces that she doesn't have time -- just being a brat. She then camera-whores that she's going to do her job as "Chief Financial Whatever," but nothing more. John scolds her. She doesn't care. Even Svet's bratiness is ineffective, as she can't help but butt in when they discuss having music for the opening day; she says they have to have music. Zach camera-matzos that Svet is being very irritating.
Salon. Bossman Ricky Croft -- the man so inept at business that he supposedly invented Mystic Tan and yet could only wrangle himself Vice-President stripes -- rattles off a list of stuff they have yet to do. Zach goes silent when The Ricker asks him if they have their furniture shopping list ready. Uh...good job, Zach. You should give a managerial class at the Learning Annex. It doesn't pay well, but there are snacks! The kids argue a little about where to put their product racks. Zach waffles, and Svet camera-snakes that Zach is not a very good manager. She tells Zach that she needs to go to the bank and then yells at him when he asks if she's going for herself or for the business. John then camera-frats that they're heading to PIER 1! to buy furnishings, and that he's not going to go because he knows it's going to be a disaster. Hm, a guy not wanting to go to Pier 1? Who wouldn't want to go experience all its fine wicker stools and spray-painted knickknacks?
This show is so compelling that I just got sidetracked for fifteen minutes on John Tesh's website. Turns out he has a nationally syndicated radio show, and I had to go see what that shit was about. And then I read his relationship advice. Which wasn't all terrible. And then I found out he was on Star Trek: The Generation. So much I didn't know about that giant-headed Franken-Yanni.
PIER 1! Ugly crap. Ugly crap. The kids shop. Zach voice-overs that they can't decide on wicker vs. leather (oh, no question: wicker!), and aren't making any decisions about anything. Tyler camera-queens that their shopping trip is "as smooth as a C-section." I guess he would rather their trip was like being pulled from a vagina with forceps? (Not that he knows anything about vagina.) Zach drops a candle, and then tells us that Bossman Ricky Croft is getting fed up with their antics. I can't imagine why. Bossman Ricky Croft then steps in and delegates their different tasks. Tyler and Zach talk about "accent colors" ( I don't even know what that means), and then Tyler tells us that interior design is fun. We see them shopping. It's not fun. The kids finally get everything they need -- even though it took them four hours! Holy shit. Four hours in a Pier 1! Worse than death, people.
Landscapers. Tree. Truck. Salon. The kids unload their PIER 1! crap. Loading. Loading. Janelle camera-snots that they started loading in the accessories, and that everything looks good. Building. Building. Jose camera-brows that it's exciting to see all the progress they've made on the salon in just a week. Jose lies that it looks good. Tyler goes out on a limb and praises himself. Way to go, Tyler! Nice to see you finally getting some confidence.
Street. Salon. The camera catches a drunk shirtless beach bum stumbling down the street. Wasting away again in Margaritaville. Hee. Nice. Best shot all year. Salon. SUBWAY SANDWICHES! Commercial, as the kids eat. Svet calls and bitches about some task, and the boys then launch into talking about how mad Svet is that she's not manager and how she's ruining her nice relationship with Zach.
Water. Sailboat. House. Shower. John and Zach take a shower together...well, in separate shower stalls, but you boys can dream. They bitch about Svet. Meanwhile, Svet walks by the bathroom and hears them. She stands and listens. She is such a snoop. Really, her giant boobs are the only thing keeping her from being five years old. More talking. Zach camera-bitches about Svet. He tells John he needs to say something to her. Commercials.
Back. Night. Pier. (Not Pier 1, thankfully.) A boat called Serenity churns in the water. Subtle, guys. House. Zach confronts Svet, but she throws something back in Zach's face that she overheard while snooping. John busts her. She says, "Who was talking louder than life?" Wow, that's sort of a Zen koan right there. John and Svet trade "shut up"s.
Svet and Zach talk. Zach asks if they can have better communication, and she says that it's impossible. He talks about her inability to accept criticism, and she says, "When it comes to business, I've found myself to be very successful and I don't want to change." What? She's nineteen and works at her daddy's store! How does that make her a successful businessperson? That's like my six-year-old niece saying she won the Tour De France because she learned to ride a bike without training wheels.
Day. Awkward cut. FORD! Driving. John talks on his SIDEKICK! while driving his FORD! Svet, Paula, and John head in to finish the store. Svet walks in and declares that it looks "horrible." It doesn't. But Bossman Ricky Croft agrees and says it looks like he's selling "candles." Heh. Svet camera-boobs that this puts "pressure" on her to fix the décor. I like that Bossman Ricky Croft wants to sell t-shirts, as if there is any reason on the planet that someone would want to wear an ugly blue Mystic Tan shirt. He'd have better luck selling candles. John camera-talks, saying that Paula and Svet then took it upon themselves to change everything and return most of the stuff that the other roommates spent hours buying. Heh. Indeed, we see them redoing everything. This won't end well.
Crap music plays as Svet heads to PIER 1! She arrives back at the salon with more of the same crappy cheap ugly Pier 1 nonsense merch, but this time she picked it out, so she's very proud of it. She and Paula hang the stuff up. John hates it. They ask him not to tell Tyler that they changed everything he "designed." Working. Working. Working. Hammering. Snoring. Hating my life.
Night. Outside the store. John tells Bossman Ricky Croft that he feels like they made no progress, and fears that the others are going to be very mad at what Paula and Svet did. Bossman Ricky Croft tells John that he has to step in, so he orders them all to stay home the day and let him fix it all. Yikes. This whole experiment really isn't working the way it should. Maybe that's why Bossman Ricky Croft is only a VP. Bossman Ricky Croft says the problem is that everyone is thinking of what they want, but not thinking about the business. Or...the problem is that you put your business in the hands of reality-show contestants.
House. Night. John tells the kids that they're not to come in tomorrow, saying that Svet changed everything, and now Bossman Ricky Croft has to fix it. Svet told Tyler that Bossman Ricky Croft wanted it changed, but John says that's not true, and that it was all Svet's idea. Tyler calls Svet a "lying bitch." Tyler camera-talks that Svet is a liar and manipulated them to get her own way. They ask John if it at least looks good. He says no. Tyler is going to yell at Svet.
Zach, Janelle, and Jose head down to the salon to pick up Svet and Paula, who are just finishing their redesign...but mostly so they can check out what the girls have done. With Paula working there, they now literally have a Skeleton Crew. They walk around silently inspecting, pulling faces. Zach camera-fros that the place looks like a wreck, and that they just put gold cushions on things, and that it looks terrible. It really does. Paula looks drained. Well, you would be too if you hadn't consumed anything but water and some tooth enamel that day. They leave.
FORD! Zach bitches to the girls that they should have called him and told him that Bossman Ricky Croft wanted more product visible, and that they were going to change things. He is the manager, after all. Yelling. Yelling. Svet calls Zach an asshole. This pisses Zach off. Svet bitches that she didn't even want to be there. Zach tells us that he's "hurt." WAH! Try having to view your boring-ass life. Sure, I'm lying in bed drinking coffee, but it's still fucking BORING! Do something! Rob a homeless person. Fuck a goat. Something! Gah! Commercials.
Night. House. Janelle and Zach tell Tyler how the girls changed everything and how Svet blamed it on Bossman Ricky Croft. Tyler hides the phone and the others laugh. He camera-queens that she won't be talking to her "Trotsky" boyfriend that night: Svet will have to come talk to them about what she's done.
Later. Paula asks Tyler not to yell at her. "Too. Weak. Need. Food. Before. Gay. Man. Snarks. At. Me." Svet heads to the phone room. She looks around. "Where's the phone?" she snots. Tyler tells her that he heard they worked really hard today. "Are you being sarcastic?" she whines. So clueless, that one. Tyler says, "Perhaps. That's for you to judge," and tells her to come talk to them. Tyler asks her about Ricky not being happy with the furniture, and Svet whines, all nasal and actually stamping her feet, at him not to talk to her like that. She goes on to ask again where the phone is. Tyler continues and then Zach butts in, saying that the bigger problem is that they're not all working well together. He says he doesn't need to "hark" on the issue. (Heh. I guess homeboy Heralds some Angels Singing.) Tyler tries to say that it's all Svet's fault and that Zach shouldn't use the term "we." Zach tries to use managerial diplomacy, but Tyler keep undermining it, wanting to focus on Svet sucking so bad. Svet is just listening, defeated. Zach -- his jewfro absolutely off the Torah today -- camera-talks that he's the manager and needs to "step up." Zach tells Svet that the boys all felt "undermind-ed." Nice. Paula has a massive headache, rubbing her sunken eye sockets. Tyler puts the stolen phone down in front of Svet and she rolls her eyes. Tyler says that he finds blaming Bossman Ricky Croft to be "rather convenient," and Svet finally comes alive, saying, "I'm not blaming Ricky. And you need to fucking, like, occupy your mind with something else, because I was there for twelve hours." Tyler says that she's playing the victim now and she says that she's not, but that he needs to back off her because he's the only one attacking her. Zach and Tyler both start bitching and talking at once and Svet is still talking, saying that hiding the phone wasn't "mature." (Heh.) Zach tells Tyler to leave. Tyler walks out, drinking water and preening back at Svet like Mick Jagger in that super-gay "Dancing In The Streets" video he did with David Bowie. Bruce Vilanch even thinks Tyler needs to tone it down a little here. Tyler camera-talks the obvious, saying that Svet can't get over that she's not manager, and that this attitude of hers is starting to negatively affect the group.
Later. Svet calls Awful Russian Mafia Boyfriend. She cries. "I want to go home." She brats about how shittily Tyler talks to her and her stomach is in knots and how could he talk to her like that? She weeps, and Boyfriendski just keeps telling her to come home. She whines that they make her feel stupid and treat her like she's a child. In the background, we see Tyler and Janelle, and Tyler is dancing with just his shoulders while Janelle chops vegetables. Heh. Svet says that they make her feel selfish, and that maybe she is. "Then come home," Awful Russian Mafia Boyfriend says again, telling the naked twelve-year-old Uzbeki immigrant girl he has washing the blood and bone fragments out of his tub to be very quiet. "I fucking hate it here!" Svet says. I love these people who come on the show seeking whatever the fuck they're seeking, and then whine that they want to go home. THEN GO THE FUCK HOME! THIS ISN'T THE MATRIX! YOU CAN LEAVE WHENEVER YOU WANT! GO!
Svet weeps over into the couch area, and John asks her what's wrong. She reiterates that she wants to go home. John says that she shouldn't. She can't enjoy it here, she says, because she's stupid. Finally, she gets it right! John says that she's not stupid -- that "it" is just the way she was brought up. No, she's stupid. John says that now that she's not around her parents and home, she'll get to see how things work away from there. John camera-frats that this experience is going to be good for Svet and will "toughen up her skin." John says that Svet needs to just do her job and not take on extra stuff and piss people off. He goes on to tell her that she brings some of this stuff on herself. Svet is clearly feeling better as John talks. That's nice of him. John says that he doesn't want Svet to be a quitter. Aw, but I guess she isn't feeling too much better as she says that if "another outbreak happens, that is it." Ew, she's having outbreaks? Well, maybe she should go home. Or at least get some sort of topical cream.
Salon. Morning. The kids arrive. They're all happy; Bossman Ricky Croft has done a good job re-re-redecorating. He sits the kids down and scolds them, telling them that he now "expects" them to be professionals and work as a team. The always-subtle music editors play a song that includes the lyrics "This is your wake-up call." The kids stare. John camera-talks that they're all opinionated, which will lead to problems down the road when they have to make group decisions. Ooh! Juicy and alive with possibility!
week...John meet some blonde ho and makes out with her in the pool. Jose has a girl too (really?!), and she strips naked and jumps into the pool. Nudity on The Real World! Quelle risqué! Meanwhile, Svet tells us that Paula's ex-boyfriend "beat the crap out of her." At least I think that's what she says. Paula says she has no one to go home to. Oh, wah.