This week's episode starts rather cryptically; with a shot of an airplane wing set to ominous music. Joe and Mike are racing somewhere in a car. Then, they run maniacally through an airport, as the beat gets more frenetic. Joe asks for directions while spooning orange frozen yogurt into his mouth. "When? What gate? We're in the wrong place!" The two lunkheads dash off in another direction, as Joe mutters (with a mouth full of fro-yo), "How come this always happens?" What do you mean by "this," Joe? The intentionally idiotic pacing? The deliberate choice of music? That you and Mike can't for the life of you pick someone up at the airport without getting tangled up in some sort of Keystone Cops routine? That The Real World exists only by exaggeratedly dramatizing entirely mundane non-events that everyone on earth except shut-ins would rather not go through, let alone watch on television? Or do you mean something else?
Finally, Joe reveals the real reason he's at the airport: to pick up Ick. Oh, joy. "I wanted to see her because things haven't been going so well," he says. More shots of running through the airport are cut with the very -styled black and white Phone Call of Pain #263 when Joe says unironically, "You make it so HARD, Nic!" Snerk. Joe continues, "I decided this is gonna be the week I decide whether I'm gonna be with Nic or to break up with her." Anticipation, is making me wait. Not. These two are such ancient history.
Here she is, ladies and gentlemen: Ick. Joe's "woman." She takes Joe's tiny face in her massive hands, being careful not to crush his puny skull. It would be easy for her to kill him. She could crush coconuts with those paws. Opening her maw, she swallows Joe's entire face in what anthropologists may call a kiss. I call it horrifying. She squeaks (and it's frightening how a creature that size can have such a diminutive voice), "Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you!" Here, I pause the tape to capture a tableau of Joe and Ick nuzzling noses together: Ick's head takes up a good two-thirds of the TV screen. Joe, amazingly, is smiling. Her hair is so huge. I can't look away. Mike looks on weakly. Nic spoons the fro-yo into her cavernous mouth and says rather un-endearingly, "I missed you! I forgot that I missed you!" What a not-nice thing to say, and I should know. We say things that are not nice all the time here at Mighty Big TV. Check this out: Nic? YOU ARE A MAN. No, that's insulting to men. Nic? YOU ARE A MONSTER! Even monsters don't like that comparison. Arrgh. Run, Joe. Oh, and let's all meet Ick's friend, Julie, who will be blending into the woodwork just as a fifth wheel should. There's a little luggage-carousel monkey business as the ever-cloying song "The Things We Do for Love" plays, and we make it out of the airport barely alive. Whew.
Cut to Ick charging up to the front door screaming, "Don't invite us IN or anything!" Joe weakly protests and then introduces his giant monster girlfriend to his roommates, laughing strangely. Let's all make fun of Nic's outfit, shall we? She's sporting a huge, white ruffled pirate-y type shirt (avast ye, ye Ross-shoppers!), black leggings, which I will now call "leggins" just to amuse myself, and a hugely wide black leather belt. Now, I was just in Las Vegas, and while that place is a hotbed of fashion faux pas (punchmullet, anyone?), when we saw a chick in a pirate-type shirt it elicited the most hoots of all. Pirate shirts = bad. If you are a pirate, you may wear one. The rest of you, get other shirts!
Anyway, Ick is introduced, and each roomie wears a different face of shock or revulsion. Ick says in voice-over that she saw the roomies as "lazy asses, sitting around, not doing anything." Good eye, monster-lady. The group struggles to plan a meeting. Give it up, people. In an interview, Cynthia describes Ick as being "Magic Johnson height, and Joe is like Spud Webb!" I'm guessing Spud Webb is a tiny, less-famous basketball player, right? ["Yes, he's the shortest player in the NBA, or was. When I used to have to play basketball in grade school, I was often compared to him." -- Wing Chun] Ick flounces monsterifically off to her hotel room and Mike promptly makes fun of her and Joe's back seat snuggling, using Cynthia as a learning aid, heh. Cyn laughs hysterically.
In the hotel, Ick stomps around as a harsh bass line plays. Wow, B-M found a substitute for the overused tense guitar riff. Nice work, guys. Joe says harshly, "When are you going to give me a fucking break?" Three times. Ick bitches about different things in the hotel room. Julie, a.k.a. the fifth wheel, crawls out from under the bed and tries to console Joe. He says, "That's cool, it's not you, it's not me. It's that girl." He means Ick, Monster-Girl.
Mike says that the roomies "haven't seen much of Joe," except for a few hours a week, "business time." Mike's been keeping himself chasing the skirts over at Ocean Drivel, or working in sales, or something. Some office lady tells him to look into a short-term lease because you can "get in and get out easily." Insert sex joke here. Mike is worried about the business screwing up his credit rating. How could...oh, forget it. Then he helpfully explains, if you haven't had it tattooed onto your brain yet, "It's not mandatory that we start our own business, but if we don't, we don't get the fifty grand." Has everyone got it now? Finally?
Back in the Hotel Room of Horrors, Ick has her hair piled up on her head. She looks "thoughtful." She and Joe smooch. Gak. They've made up, apparently. Hooray. Some schmaltzy music plays. The closed captioning calls it a "slow-tempo rock beat." Smooch smooch smooch.
Back at the house, Ick complains at top volume about her hotel. Brown water, cockroaches, blah blah blah no hot watercakes. Dan takes her hands in his and Nic whips her gorgon head around to summon Joe, who manages, "Are you touching my woman?" Dan says, "Her attitude is five feet in front of her." Cyn says, "She just gets on my nerves. Complainy-BIRD." Hee hee!
The housemates prepare to go out. As they head out the door in various stages of gussied-up, Melissa summons Cynthia over so that they can share snarky remarks and bust on Ick. Melissa explains, "We're taking shots at the girl all night." I love Melissa for that. The roomies and Ick and Julie, invisible girl, wait in some mall-looking foyer-type place. Ick asks, "Can I kiss you under this bush?" I am so not touching that one. Not so far away, Dan tells the story when Ick shook his hand and crushed it. Melissa and Cesar all yell, "Me too! Me too!" The Miami Clown Machine sits down and eats, with Joe and Ick snuggling and nuzzling to beat the band. No one can eat with that going on. I pause the tape and capture Flora in a very Regan-from-The Exorcist moment. Joe and Ick deep-throat each other, and Cynthia actually shudders. Finally, the "happy" "couple" reverts to their native tongue, baby talk. Ick says cloyingly, "We can't kiss no mower." Joe asks, "Why not?" "Becawse we're in pub-lick." LEARN IT. LIVE IT. The scene ends with a close-up of Mike's incredulous face, and we're out.
Another business meeting in the house. Zzzz. Someone asks, "Does everyone know what we're doing?" No, explain it again! KIDDING. They fight about having part-time jobs, and Cynthia explains that her "car will be mother-fucking-possessed" if she stops working. Mike gets mad and stomps off. Tense guitars, and we're out.
Cynthia and Joe are cruising around in a convertible. Cynthia seems to be trying to talk some sense into Joe -- honey, just get a hammer and knock it into him. Either that or take up residency at a brick wall and start hitting your head against it -- forever. "She's just not cute, Joe. She's not! She's not!" Cynthia IS smart! She puts her hand on his, on top of the gearshift, and before you can say "sitting in a tree" the dynamic shifts. Cynthia loves Joe. She looooves him. Joe says, "All girls hate her." No, that's fear. That's normal. Cynthia says, "You could do so much better than that!" Mm-hmm.
Cynthia and Joe chow down at Burger King. Cynthia chomps on her Whopper as Joe blabs on: "I don't care that you think she's a bitch. Other girls are too easy. She gets mad that I grind up against girls in dance clubs!" Um, hello? Why wouldn't she? Then, Joe's pager goes off. He runs away on tiny legs to a pay phone, and before you can say, "cover your ass," he dishes on Cynthia. "I just had lunch with Cynthia. She wanted to say things about you." Oh, Joe, you are such a tiny little ass.
Joe picks up Ick at her hotel. She looks ornery. Now is the time to start those little legs a-pumping for the proverbial hills, Joe. Ick relays via sit-down that "Joe was an hour and a half late" in picking her up, and the punishment for that is slow, tortuous death. Well, she said half of that statement. Pissy music plays, and they -- guess what? -- fight. He says, "The conversation's over"; she says, "Don't tell me the conversation's over! Don't act like an ASS!" Julie sits nervously in the back seat. She hasn't had a line, or even a word, to say this entire episode. Sad. Joe stops the car and gets out. Ick walks around and gets in the driver's seat. Joe recites, "If you get pulled over or in an accident, you work for me: Computame Corp. Have a good time, Julie, here in Florida. There's a map underneath your seat." It's not until Joe walks into the house that I get it: He's ditched them in a spot convenient for him. What a wiener.
Flora hollers, "I call a meeting!" Nap time! She says in her Russian-soaked voice, "I wanna know how many of you are serious about the business. If you're not, I'll buy you out." An interesting concept: buying a share of a non-existent business. Mike makes a worried face and says the fashion thing is "an extremely risky venture" because of "competition." What a pussy. ["It's true, though. The fashion business has crazy overhead. Like, here's a thought -- start with a store, maybe?" -- Wing Chun] Joe says Mike is "not a risk-taker." I say, "duh." Mike turns into a chicken right before my eyes as he says, "this could really fuck up our lives." ["You know he's right about that too." -- Wing Chun] The group splits up and looks all worried. Landon calls and Joe talks to him, tiny head held in tiny hands. Outside, a tree blows in the wind. Oh, brother.
Portishead plays one of their moody tunes. Melissa pages through a sex-video catalogue -- which is a giant foreshadowing alert, people. She shows Joe one position and Joe pretends like he's shocked. Melissa says, "It came in your name!" Hee!
Portishead continue to play as Joe and Ick take a walk on the beach. Grrr! Arrgh! It's impossible not to make monster noises during this scene. It's like a cross between One Million Years B.C. and Planet of the Apes. Ick kicks at seaweed with her monster legs. Yaargh! Ick asks in that -- shudder -- baby voice, "You like me a little more today?" Joe says he does. Monster Baby asks, "Are you saying you didn't like me yesterday?" Oh, sweet GOD. They decide to learn and grow and see what happens. Joe, RUN.
Mike and Joe talk. Mike somehow becomes brainwashed into supporting the business venture. Landon says the word "commitment." Mike repeats the word "commitment." The group seems doubtful. It's like they know they're going to fail. Some MTV-type punk rock music plays. How am I supposed to feel?
Ick and Fifth Wheel Julie jump into a cab. Julie listens as Ick blabs on at top volume: "Cynthia was the one who kept Joe with me when I was dissing him all those weeks. Because I wasn't chummy-chummy with her, she thinks I'm a bitch."
Joe asks rhetorically inside the house, "Is Nic warm and compassionate toward my household members?" Flora theorizes that "she may be jealous." And that the sky, just maybe, can be blue. At times. "I think the way she treats you is not nice." This from Flora? Jesus, what did Ick do, steal a vital organ and sell it on eBay?
Back in the cab, Ick says, "Because I'm so tall, if I'm not smiling people think, who does she think she is?" No, Ick. People think YOU'RE A MONSTER.
Back in the house, Joe says, "She's naïve. I'm not." Melissa says, "You're getting played." Move out of the way! Hey, don't hate the player, hate the game, woo woo. Joe throws a tiny temper tantrum and says, "How am I getting played if I'm seeing other people?" Melissa says, "You don't think you're getting played because you're doing something bad too?" Sing it, sister. A montage of Joe holding his head in his hands several different ways flashes against the screen.
Some eerie slide guitar plays as Ick and Joe square off in her hotel room. I hope to god Julie is off by the pool somewhere, having a tall drink. I'm buying, Julie. "I'm confused. I don't know who you are anymore. I don't think you know how to love somebody." Does it really matter who's saying this to whom? I didn't think so. Ick is wearing a royal blue bikini top with feathers on it! Bwa! "This is about your relationship with other girls!" Joe says, "Everyone thinks I'm in a relationship with some freshman bitch! I didn't fail, but I lost you in the meantime." And with that, Joe walks out the door. Ick walks to the door and bends down to look out the peephole. He's gone, Monster-lady. Happy now?