Episode Report Card Al Lowe: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Yo, NBC Saps!
By Al Lowe | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 03.23.2010
teenager and having people care about you so much? "You didn't?" she asks, horrified. Adam asks where she thinks they'd go when they didn't know where she was. "How do you think that felt?" he asks, while she OMGs all over the passenger seat. "Probably as bad as it feels when you find out your parents have no respect for your privacy!" she retorts, but kid, that's weak sauce, and Daddy ain't playing. He drops the hammer: no texting, no phone, no going out. She's to go to school and come home. "You have to be kidding me!" she snits. Adam, glaring, asks if he looks like he's kidding. No, he does not.Amber has reported for duty at Julia's and is reviewing the page long list of emergency numbers, right down to poison control. Um, is Mae Whitman three feet tall? Or is Erika Christensen suddenly tall or wearing six-inch heels? Or are there steps involved? They look crazy talking to each other, and according to imdb, there is only a four-inch height difference. Julia, still on her Apology Train, says she's sorry about that whole scheduling snafu of earlier. Amber shrugs and says it was no big deal. Julia is confused. "Your mom said you were pretty upset," she says. At the same moment, it dawns on Amber and Julia what Sarah's whole Amber Must Babysit thing was about: her own insecurity. "I probably overreacted, or something," Amber tries covering, and they are saved from further embarrassment by Sydney running down the stairs. Julia and Joel start the whole dance of trying to leave while giving not-so-subtle reminders to the babysitter. "Are they always like this?" Amber asks when they're finally gone. Sighing, Sydney says "always."
Meanwhile at the boat house, Crosby is risking the life of his child, himself, and everyone within a two block radius, by spraying lighter fluid on his grill repeatedly to watch the fun ball of flame go into the sky. Weren't they ordering pizza? Right? Thus, this bullshit is just for fun? It made me kind of go into a rage, and I am no stick in the mud, but one does not just literally play with fire around a five-year-old or... anybody and act like it's no big deal. Because it definitely is a big deal. It is so upsetting that Jabbar is like, "wow! Do it some more!" and Crosby keeps spraying the stuff and they have it all romanticized with the slo-mo fireball and music in the background like, "ah, the father-son bonding moment." People, I know it's just TV, but idiots watch TV! And then DO idiotic things that they saw on TV.
Siiiigh. Anyway. Adam and Kristina are obviously detoxing from their day out on their back lawn. "I could always talk to Haddie," Adam says, morose. Kristina sweetly counsels him that rebelling is part of growing up, and that Haddie does not hate him. "She loves you more than anybody else in this entire world," she says, "and you know it." She says, though, that this dadoration isn't going to last forever, though. "She's going to grow up; she's going to fall in love," she says. Adam: "Not with that kid, YoYo, she's not!" Aw. "If it's any consolation," Kristina says, "you'll always be the most important man in my life." I'll say it again: aw, especially when they celebrate this moment by making out. I sort of love Adam and Kristina.
Back on the boat of fire, Crosby asks Jabbar how he likes his hot dogs. Okay, I guess the grill was fired up for a reason. For a moment I think Jabbar can't answer because he's inhaled the lighter fluid fumes, but no, he can't answer because he's gotten his thumb stuck in an aluminum can. "Well, why'd you put your thumb in a can?" he asks, and I wish Jabbbar would kick him in the face and be like, "I'm FIVE," but instead he gives a painful shrug and says he doesn't know. Crosby attempts to extricate the thumb with the tried-and-true soapy water method, but that won't work on aluminum, obviously. "Ow! It stings!" Jabbar cries, and say he can't feel his thumb. Crosby starts to panic.
Julia and Joel have made it out to date night, and wouldn't you know it, run into none other than Raquel. "Joelski!" she calls, across the restaurant, and though they try to keep walking, they are forced to go and say hello. Raquel and her husband are out in this very fancy restaurant with their daughter Harmony and invite the Js to sit down with them. "We're actually on date night," Joel says. Well, Raquel says, so are they! Julia and Joel look at Harmony like she is a fungus. "I work so much," Raquel's husband explains, "I just can't stand leaving Harmony with a babysitter." Ugh. Julia and Joel, both shamed and judgmental, mumble apologies and go to their table.
Crosby has taken matters into his own hands and has rushed Jabbar to the ER. He tries calling on the older sibs for backup, but it appears Adam is busy getting it on with his wife, and Sarah is busy spying through Julia's windows, making sure Amber is being a responsible babysitter. She is. Finally, Crosby gets Julia, at the restaurant where she continues to be amazed by Raquel's weird (to her) family -- particularly Harmony, who eats bouillabaisse. Okay, that is weird. Not even blinking, she rushes to the hospital for Crosby. He needs her, definitely, because since he's known Jabbar for five seconds, he has no information on him necessary to check him in to the emergency room, not even his date of birth or his home address. "Who's this?" Julia asks, rushing in and noticing the extremely adorable child with the can on his thumb. "This is Jabbar," Crosby says. "My son." Julia is shocked.
Not shocked: Amber, that her mom has showed up. "You forgot your uh... biology text book!" Sarah says, faux-casual. "You know what's funny," Amber says, "for a second I thought you were checking up on me." Sarah pffts and shrugs. "Afraid I was going to raid the liquor cabinet?" Amber asks. Sarah shrugs again and deadpans: "You have no proof of that." Amber is righteous. "You lied to Aunt Julia," she says. "You said that I was upset that I couldn't babysit." Sarah continues down her path of shame. "Yeah," she says, "because I knew you wanted the money!" Amber sighs. "It had nothing to do with you wanting to prove yourself to Aunt Julia?" Sarah goes through a series of tsks, and finally has to admit it. "She just makes me feel a little insecure," she says. "You know, like the world's worst mother and a complete failure at life. That kind of little." Amber rolls her eyes and calls out to Sydney, asking her if she wants to show Aunt Sarah what they've been working on. Sarah walks over to find that Amber has taught Sydney to make paper turtles, just like Sarah taught Amber when she was little and they had had to leave Seth and live in a crappy motel. "Amber showed me," Sydney says of the turtles. "You know who taught her how to do this?" Sarah asks, tearfully. Amber sighs, and Sarah puts her arm around her. "How 'bout I make us some drinks?" Amber asks. "They got a really nice selection over there." She doesn't say it, but you know Sydney is like "how did I get in this messed up family?"
Back at the ER, Julia has taken the situation in hand. Rather, she's taken Jabbar's thumb in hand. "This is slither cream," she says, putting lotion on Jabbar's thumb. "Anything that's stuck gets unstuck." Crosby watches intently as she tells Jabbar to close his eyes and say the magic words: "slippery, slither, slime." Crosby says them, too, and Julia slides the can right off Jabbar's thumb. "It wowked!" he says. "It really wowked!" Crosby smiles, really grateful, and Jabbar gives Julia a slightly-bloody thumbs up.
Post-coitally blissful, Adam wonders aloud if maybe it would be going too far to nail Haddie's window shut. Way to kill the mood, man. Kristina sighs and says she hopes that's not what he's been thinking about this whole time, and stomps off to the bathroom.
Meanwhile, as he tucks in Jabbar, Crosby gets a little sisterly advice from Julia. "Are you sure he's yours?" she asks. Crosby laughs. "Why, because he stuck his finger in a can?" he asks. That actually is a big indicator to me that he IS Crosby's son. Anyway,