In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Haddie is dating some teenage jackass. Her parents had no idea and are very upset. They sneak into her room and look at her Facebook page, which she considers a major breach of trust. Of course, Daddy Adam is the one who is flipping out the hardest, and he appropriately embarrasses himself and everyone else in the process.
Drew is dating… himself. A lot. Every day. In the bathroom. Sarah asks Adam to give him the facts of life talk, with hilarious results. Drew, though, would prefer not to talk. Too bad -- Grandpa steps in to make things a thousand times worse (and more hilarious).
Jabbar is having his first sleepover at Crosby's. Emergency measures must be taken when the kid gets his thumb stuck in an aluminum can. Julia leaves her date night to come to his rescue, finding out about Jabbar for the first time.
Sarah gets her feelings hurt when Julia shies away from having Amber babysit for Sydney. Amber, however, is a great babysitter, having learned all she needed to know from her mom.
Have y'all noticed that there is no problem the Bravermans can't overcome with a family dinner and some vigorous exercise?
Want more? The full recap starts right below! Oh, hi, Max has a bong. But don't worry, he's not using it to smoke up Haddie's infamous weed (street name: Nerd Grass), although let's think about it -- maybe it would help him. (Wow, I was joking, but it occurred to me to check and, maybe it would.) Anyway, no one is surprised that Max has come across this item at his Uncle Crosby's where Adam and Max have come over to help Crosby kid-proof so that Jabbar can have a safe sleepover with his dad. "What is this?" Max asks, holding up the bright red glass pipe. "OH, that's my mixing beaker," Crosby says as Adam cringes. Max asks what he mixes in it. Crosby says, you know, frozen orange juice and stuff. Max: "It stinks." (Wrong to lie to a kid about drug paraphernalia? I don't know. But dudes, maybe he wasn't. Also, people who get high and then post things on the Internet are really funny.)I suppose finding the "mixing beaker" is better than him finding a pair of women's underwear left over from some long-lost conquest of Crosby's... which is what Adam finds while installing childproofing caps on the electrical outlets. "Do you even know who these belong to?" he asks. Crosby: "You know what? I think Kristina left those over here." Har har. Adam says he knows they've just done all this childproofing all over the boat, but wouldn't Crosby maybe prefer to have this sleepover with Jabbar at his and Kristina's house? Crosby scoffs. "You don't think I can handle it!" he says. Wait -- wasn't he, just last week, asking Adam to babysit for him because he couldn't handle it? Whatever. Adam changes his tune, anyway, saying this is going to be good for Crosby. "You'll have your son here with you," he says, "and you'll get to watch him sleep and see how vulnerable and innocent..." Crosby interrupts. "And peaceful?" he asks, nodding. Oh, yeah, he knows all about this. "I've dated some wild women," he says. "Some real hellcats. But when they finally pass out, it's like they turn into these little kittens, all purry and warm. So, you know, I know what you're talking about." Adam: "Yyyeah..."
At the Braverman compound, the womenfolk are preparing for some meal, when Julia asks Kristina if Haddie can babysit for Sydney the night, since their regular sitter has the flu. Kristina asks Haddie, who is on her cell phone. "You know what? I would really like to," Haddie says, "but..." Kristina waits but an explanation is not forthcoming. "But... you have plans, what?" she asks. Julia interrupts, insisting that it's fine, but Kristina assures her Haddie has nothing to do. All of this goes down in front of Sarah, who stands silently watching the two of them for a moment before piping up. "What about Amber?" she asks, indicating her daughter who is sacked out across a lawn chair with her mouth open. Julia doesn't seem enthused, though she fakes her way through it. Across the yard, she and Joel look at each other, secretly pained. "I'll ask her," Sarah says, and rushes over to Amber, who is unresponsive due to that favorite teenage accessory, headphones. "Hey, hey," Sarah says, splashing a little water on her. Amber jerks awake. "Aunt Julia wants you to babysit!" Sarah says as if this is the greatest offer of her lifetime. "What? So, you're waterboarding me?" Amber snaps. Good one, kid, but Sarah continues the splashing, mouthing "say yes, say yes," until Amber finally does it, shrugging. "She'd love to!" Sarah trills, and Julia and Joel give an unenthusiastic "great!"
Having achieved this momentous goal, Sarah tells Amber to go get her brother for dinner. "There's no way I'm going near that bathroom while he's in it," Amber says. "You do know what he's doing in there, right?" Sarah makes the serious face: "Yes, he's getting clean," she says. Amber: "Yeah. Spankin' clean." Heeee. Also: ew. Boys are gross. Quickly, Sarah turns to Julia and Kristina with stories of Drew needing the bathroom to work on his hair, and stuff. "I do that, too!" Kristina says, in solidarity, and Drew unfortunately arrives in the yard at this moment. "Hey, bud," Amber snarks. "How was your shower?" Kristina: "Your hair looks cute!"
Adam is preparing for bed while Kristina looks over their bills. "Two hundred and twenty dollars!" she says. It's Haddie's cell. She's racked up over 200 minutes in a month, all to the same number. They try to call her at her friend's house where she is sleeping over, but she's not answering her phone. Adam dials another number. "Who are you calling now?" Kristina asks. "I'm gonna call the mystery number," he says, and puts it on speaker phone so Kristina can hear it. They get the phone's voicemail which features an unfortunate bass-bumping beat and a boy's voice saying "Yo, yo, yo! Wassup!" Of course, they are horrified and call it again. Oh my God, whiteys, your daughter is dating Ludacris!
The classic parental division on teenage privacy is distilled into a 20 second argument outside Haddie's door. Kristina thinks they should wait and talk to her before invading her privacy, but Adam maintains that she has no privacy, as she is 15 and living in their house. First of all, no matter what you do, she's going to react the same way to you asking her a question about anything at all. Secondly, Adam's right. "Besides," he says, "what she doesn't know, won't hurt her." Right, Kristina sighs, "just us." Neither of them wants to go into her room, first. Kristina wonders what exactly they're looking for. "I don't know," Adam says. "Anything that smells like Yo-Yo." Heee. Check her t-shirts for the fragrance of Axe body spray. They quickly realize they should go right for the computer. Kristina, still looking guilty, says that she knows Haddie's password used to be "HaddieDaddy." Which... is weird, but Adam think is sweet. "She was 12," Kristina says. And, anyway, now it's changed.
At the Braverman guest house, a structure into which no light has ever shone, apparently, because it perpetually seems to be bathed in the glow of mystery, Amber knocks on the door to ask Sarah if she can shower in there, since Drew is in their shower, again. "The masterbatorium is occupied," she reports, causing Sarah to shudder. "Please," she says, "will you give him a break and please not shame your brother? He's 14, okay, and has... needs." Ew. Amber says she thinks she knows pretty much everything there is to know about 14-year-old boys and their needs. Sarah's face falls. "Thank you for that," she groans. Amber, on her way to the bathroom, casually drops the news that Julia called and cancelled her babysitting gig. Unlike Amber, who is completely blasé about this turn of events, Sarah is upset. "Well, what'd she say?" Sarah wants to know. "What was the reason?" Amber: "Who cares?" Sarah says she cares and when Amber shrugs and shuts the bathroom door, she continues to nervously ask for more details, to which she receives only the sound of the shower running as an answer.
Y'all, this is the weirdest show I have ever had to recap -- and, understand that I am saying that after recapping Make Me a Supermodel for an entire season, a show on which nothing happened at all. I'm just saying, these one minute scenes go by so fast, it's like the scripts were written on Twitter.
Not that I really believe a 15-year-old needs Internet privacy, but this time Haddie's parents have perhaps gone too far. They have enlisted the help of Crosby, who apparently possesses some kind of magical powers that allow him to divine Facebook passwords. And he has discovered that Haddie's new one is "HaddieHo." Um, shuh?! "That's not good," Adam says, which is putting it mildly. They also discern that Haddie is seeing a junior boy at her high school. "YoYo," Adam growls. In a photo on Haddie's computer, she is smooching this kid, who is wearing a hoodie. Y'all know hoodie = hoodlum, right? The kid's name is Steve Williams. "What else, what else, what else?" Kristina wants to know. Crosby: "Well, he's got a rap sheet." Heee. Adam says that's not funny, and I guess Crosby feels he has done enough prying, so he closes the computer. "Look," he says, nonchalantly. "They're Facebook-official. They're not eloping to Vegas." But Adam is worried. "Facebook-official?" he asks, in confusion. Crosby sighs. "It's not a suicide pact," he says. "They're just dating." Um... ha? I think we got the point when you made the "it's not this/it's that" joke .12 seconds ago. Teen suicides... not exactly totes funny, either.
Clearly, Adam receives this news about YoYo and leaps out the window, because suddenly he's outside, taking a call from Sarah. "How much masturbating is too much?" Adam: "I'm sorry, what?" Sarah says she means Drew. "He's in the bathroom... like, a lot. Like, six or seven times a day!" Would y'all excuse me while I go light several candles in thanks that I am the mother of a girl? I mean, it will come with its own set of challenges, but at least those challenges will seem familiar to me, damn. In any case, Adam says whatever Drew is doing is totally normal, and that he's got problems of his own. "Haddie," he says, as if it is a national emergency, "has a boyfriend." Sarah says of course she does. "She's 15 and she's cute, Adam, don't be a dork." Oh, but he's being one. "You know what?" he flips. "They're Facebook-official, and she hasn't said anything to Kristina and I about it." (Why can't people say "me and Kristina" when it is appropriate? I hate the misuse of "and I." It makes no sense!) Sarah huffs that of course Haddie wouldn't tell him about it, she's a teenager. "That's not a problem," she says. "I've got a kid who I'm afraid might injure himself." She says it's the one time she could use some help from her lame ex-husband, but she can't get him to call her back. "You know, with Amber, she got her period, and I said, 'you okay?' And she said, 'screw you!'" Sarah says. But with Drew, she goes on, she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about this like a man could. "Oh, so you want me to talk to him about it?" Adam asks. Exactly. "Just don't make him feel weird, okay?" she says. "He's just so sensitive." She just wants Adam to tell him it's normal or, uh, almost normal. Adam assures her he'll welcome Drew to the Man Club. "Tel him he can express himself in other ways, too," Sarah adds. Adam: "What, like downloading porn? That's outside the shower." Poor Sarah.
I am upset about how much Lauren Graham is having to talk about teenage boys masturbating. (I am really upset, also, that I am having to type it so many times.) Here she goes again when she is on her way out of the house and is stopped by Zeek. "Are you aware that we are in the middle of a drought?" he asks. Hee. Apparently, someone in the house is using a lot of water, and just purely from an environmental standpoint, he thinks Sarah should let him talk to Drew about his shower habits. "Mano a mano," he says. Sarah cringes. "Oohhh, no," she says. "I still bear the emotional scars of the 'little talk' we had when I was a kid, and that was a long time ago." She begs him not to say anything to Drew. "Well, sweetheart," he insists, "this is not woman's work." Sarah, though she obviously agrees, slams him for not being progressive. "Come on, honey," he says, "I'm a grandfather. This is what grandfathers are for! Send me in there!" Haa! She says thanks, but no. "Under no circumstances are you to talk to Drew about the..." Zeek: "Masturbation." She gags and rushes into her car. "Don't talk to him about it! Thanks!" she says. Zeek shrugs. "It's perfectly natural," he insists. "Even I, on occasion..." Heee. She races away as he tries to explain that, you know, not obsessively.
Back at Crosby's, Jasmine and Jabbar arrive and ask for permission to come aboard. "Oh, no!" he says. "Pirates!" Y'all, Jabbar. Cutest kid ever? It can't be denied. Jasmine thanks Crosby again for keeping Jabbar, but Crosby says he's excited about the sleepover. They have a conversation almost identical to the ones they have had in every other episode: she's going to dance; she says, as if to a babysitter, that she really appreciates Crosby taking care of Jabbar; she reminds him that she's available by phone; he says it's no problem. I really hope they give Joy Bryant something to DO in the future, damn. She could have shot all four of these episodes on the same day -- she's essentially had the same lines, blocking, everything. Anyway, as Jabbar holds a series of what appear to be shells up to his ears, Crosby tells his mom that he has "babyproofed the crap out of the place." Plus, he says, "nothing's going to go wrong, right Jabbar?" Jabbar gives a noncommittal nod. Dude is making no guarantees. Finally, Mom leaves. "No girls allowed! Ew, gross!" Crosby calls after her, before turning to Jabbar to ask the essential question: cheese or pepperoni. Cute, but isn't little man lactose-intolerant? I hate to bring it up, Jabbar -- believe me, I would like to eat some pizza, myself.
It is Come to Jesus time for Haddie. The parents open by bringing up the cell phone bill. It's more than $200 this month. "That's over a thousand minutes," Adam says. Haddie says she had no idea it was that high, which is probably true, because what teenager has any concept of money? I barely have one, now. She promptly and sincerely begins listing ways she will pay them back -- chores, babysitting, etc. But, you know, money is not the issue. "That's like, 18-hours in one month," Adam says, to one number. "Steve Williams?" Aw, snaaaap. I love Haddie's face as all of this goes down. There is nothing like the righteous indignation of a teenage girl. "How do you guys know that?" she asks, slowly. Well, her dad explains, when they couldn't reach her, they called his number. Kristina looks increasingly uncomfortable between her daughter and her husband as this conversation goes on. She jumps in that they did not talk to Steve, they just heard his voice on the message. "Yeah, 'Yo, yo, yo!'" Adam apes, and I nearly die remembering how my father acted about the first boy I dated -- at age 15. (By the way, I recently ran across said dude on Facebook and, tragically, he is now just some regular schmo. I suppose I thought he had spent the last 20 years preserved in some sort of amber solution of eternal hotness somewhere, smelling of Polo and just generally remaining untouched by time. It is hell to get old.) Haddie wants to know how they know the guy's name. "We have our ways," Kristina says, and they admit they went on her computer and looked at her Facebook page. Aw, daaaaamn. She flips OUT in such classic Katie Kaboom style. "You guys broke into my room? And you hacked into my computer?!" Adam and Kristina get defensive. They had no other way, they say, of knowing what was going on with her. "Who cares, Homeland Security!" Haddie yells. "What you guys did is illegal! You can't do that! It is a violation of... everything!" Awesome. My parents' response: "No it isn't; yes we can; you're ridiculous." Adam and Kristina pull out the big guns as Haddie runs upstairs to her room. "Hey, you're Facebook-officia
l!" Adam says, throwing up his hands. "That's right! You go up to your room, because you're grounded!" Kristina concurs. "Ja wohl mein Führer!" Haddie yells, and running into her room, wastes no time in climbing right out the window. It strikes me as unlikely that Ms. Goodie Two Shoes would have the institutional knowledge to do this, but she makes her escape like a pro. Little does she know, however, she is observed from the ground floor by Max.
At her office, Julia is visited by Sarah. "How did you know I was working on a Sunday?" she asks. Sarah mumbles about how she was just talking to Joel and yadda yadda, she's there to passively-aggressively confront Julia about canceling Amber's babysitting job. Julia says if her firm had her way, she'd never get to go home. "Is that why you cancelled on Amber?" Sarah asks. Julia, obviously lying, says uh, yeah. "Really?" Sarah says, going in for the subtle kill. "Because Joel says it was because she didn't know the area?" Julia's eyebrows are working overtime trying to think of what to say. She stammers that, um, it was a combination of those things. Sarah says that thing is, it's just that Amber was so upset about being cancelled. Amber, she says, thinks it's because Julia considers her irresponsible. Julia says that Amber did not give her the impression that she was that upset about the whole thing. Oh, but she is, Sarah says, since Amber had such a sterling rep as a babysitter back in Fresno. "I didn't know that," Julia says. Probably because it's not true, but whatever. Sarah doesn't want her kid -- and by extension, herself -- to be thought poorly of. Poor Julia is always having to learn the Apologize When Appropriate Lesson. Finally, she breaks down and does it. "Don't apologize to me," Sarah says, in her most smug mom voice, and heads out leaving Julia feeling all guilty once again. Two moms protecting their daughters for very different reasons. It's sad, but sweet.
Drew is washing Zeek's truck at the house when Adam rolls up for his Man Club chat. His opening salvo is about as awkward as possible. "I hated washing that old truck," Adam says. "But, there was something I really enjoyed doing when I was your age..." Drew: "Oh, yeah? What?" Aw, innocent Drew. "It's perfectly natural," Adam goes on. "You know, Woody Allen said masturbation is having sex with someone you love." Nice. I thought I was done writing about things like this back in my Deadwood recapping days. Of course, I shouldn't complain. No one is getting gut-stabbed or beating up whores... yet! Drew asks if his mom made Adam talk to him about this. "No, no... well, she may have mentioned it," Adam says. He goes on that he just wants Drew to know that it's normal. "And, I want to make sure you don't feel weird about it," Adam says, "and you know, so we can just... air it out." Heeee. Yes, that's not weird. Drew: "Air it out?!" Adam says you know, he wants to be sure Drew knows there's no hairy palm stigma attached to it, and that he can talk to Adam about anything any time. "Can we just not talk and say we did?" Drew asks. Adam, painfully, goes on. "Pimples, girls, birth control. You know about rubbers, right?" Haa! I never realized that uncles had it so tough. Drew: "We can just not talk, too, right?" Hee. Adam says yes, no big deal, and tells Drew to keep up the good work. "I mean, washing the truck!" he fumbles. "Or, the other thing, too, if you want, because uh..." With that, he escapes saying he's glad they had this talk.
Julia comes home from the office to find Joel already apologizing. He got flustered, he says, when Sarah was questioning him about Amber babysitting, and blew it. "That's all right," Julia says. "I blew it, too. We should never have cancelled in the first place." Joel is skeptical, but Julia, offended, says she trusts her sister. "Oh, geez, I'm sorry. I forgot the cardinal rule," Joel says. "Only a Braverman can criticize another Braverman." Julia, again, must apologize. "You're right," she says, "that's a total double standard..." Joel: "Thank you." Julia: "...one, about which, we can do nothing." Good one. She says she thinks they should go ahead and call Amber to see if she could still come over that night. Joel asks if she's sure about this. "No," Julia says, "but I'm optimistic." Trying to get into the spirit, he gives a little cheer and says "so am I." Yay, date night is back on. I loathe the expression "date night." I can't even explain why -- just go out together, people. You don't have to have a cutesy phrase for it.
Adam is back home after his super successful chat with Drew. "You didn't use the word, did you?" Kristina asks. Adam asks why. "Because it's just so clinical, you know? 'Masturbate,'" she says. Yes, it is, I suppose, but what on Earth would be the alternative? I will let you imagine said substitutions rather than Google-associating my name with yet another collection of blue terms. Perhaps to replenish his energy after such a trying afternoon, Adam is eating peanut butter straight out of the jar. They are just discussing freeing Haddie from her room when suddenly, Max appears to bust him on the PB, declaring such behavior to be against the rules. "You are absolutely right, buddy," Adam says closing the jar. Max: "Does that mean I can?" Adam and Kristina say no, it doesn't, that Daddy broke the rule and won't do it again. They ask him if he can tell his sister to come downstairs. "No," Max says, surprising them with the news that Haddie's not in her room. Moments later, the three of them hit the pavement. "YoYo lives here?" Adam says as they stroll up in front of a lovely home with a well-manicured lawn. "Honey, don't judge a book by its cover," Kristina warns. "You can cook meth anywhere." They are about to continue on their way when the door of the house opens and YoYo's parents come out. They come rushing out, really, like the house is on fire. "I'm out," Kristina says, and is about to bounce, but these total strangers recognize them all the way from their doorstep. "You're Adam Braverman!" the dad says. "And you must be Kristina and Max," Mom of YoYo cheerily adds. "Yeah," the dad says, and nicely goes to shake Max's hand. Max, naturally, avoids him and walks straight to their porch to begin messing with the flowers. "He's fine!" the dad says, and the YoYos start gushing about how great Haddie is, how much they just love her, how she's told them everything about Adam and Kristina, including "the situation" with Max. This comes up because Max, you know, is pulling the petals off all their flowers. "Would you like to come in?" the mom trills, "Seeing as how we're Facebook-officially related!" Finally, Adam and Kristina have to admit that they're just strolling by to check them out. "I understand," YoYo's dad says. "If I had a daughter, I'd want to know where she was hanging out, too."
Well, right now she's hanging out with her cousin Amber. I guess they've patched things up from their rough night at the police station. Also, can you just walk everywhere in Berkeley? How do these kids get around? Amber's advice on this whole thing with YoYo is that Haddie needs to realize that it's her parents' job to make her life miserable. "Okay," Haddie says, "so, what's my job?" Amber says it's to keep her parents out of her personal life as long as humanly possible. "Which isn't easy," she says. "They're like termites. They're relentless." Amber, by the way, is maintaining her street-cred by smoking a cigarette. Haddie asks what she can do to make the termites stop. Amber shrugs. "Deception? Misinformation?" she says. "You flat-out lie to their face if you have to. Although, that does tend to backfire. Really gets them riled up." Ah, the bad girl with the heart of gold. Not really, because: "Just remember," she adds. "They brought this on themselves."
Uh, oh -- Haddie's busted, again. "Thanks for responding to my APB," Adam tells Sarah as he pulls into the driveway. The shoe is now on the other foot as Sarah is the one ready to give advice. "You know what you're gonna say?" Sarah asks. Adam: "How about 'get the hell in the car?'" Sarah agrees this is a great opener. "But after that?" she asks. "What's your plan? What are you gonna do?" Adam says he doesn't have a plan. "No? Have you met this guy?" she asks. Adam says, no, he's just heard his voice on the phone. "He's one of these Yo, yo, yo guys," he says. Sarah: "That's bad!" Heee. Cringing, she asks him if he thinks Haddie's having sex with this boy. Adam's face drains. "Haddie is 15," he says. Sarah says yeah, Amber was 15 when she hooked up with Damian. Adam: "And they were...?" Sarah, flabbergasted, says yes, they were. "She wanted to move in with him," she says, almost laughing, "and start their lives together." Poor Adam says he is sure Haddie's not there, yet. Trying to convince himself, he adds that he's positive she's not. "Okay, I believe you," Sarah says. "But... it's right around the corner, and you have to do everything you can to postpone it." Silence reigns. "Do you know how to do that?" she asks. He says no. "Oh, my god," Sarah says. "You have to shut them down!" No phone, emails, texting, anything, she says and then, when that doesn't work, he has to go to Plan B. "Which is what?" Adam asks. Sarah: "Move." Love this scene. Adam smirks. "Thanks for that," he says. Sarah: "Welcome to my world, brother!"
On the ride home, Haddie thinks she's going to win her little privacy argument, but it so isn't going down like that. "What if I don't want you to know what's going on with me?" she snits. Adam: "I don't care, Haddie!" Yes, exactly. She says she has a right to privacy, and he plays the ultimate parent card: "Not in my house, you don't." No doubt she is about to come back with some perfect teenage put down, but he continues, pulling the ultimate weapon. "Maybe it's different over at Steve's house," he says, "with Marjory and Dale." Awesome. Endless props to Sarah Ramos for playing this so utterly brilliantly. Oh, man, isn't it hard being a
teenager and having people care about you so much? "You didn't?" she asks, horrified. Adam asks where she thinks they'd go when they didn't know where she was. "How do you think that felt?" he asks, while she OMGs all over the passenger seat. "Probably as bad as it feels when you find out your parents have no respect for your privacy!" she retorts, but kid, that's weak sauce, and Daddy ain't playing. He drops the hammer: no texting, no phone, no going out. She's to go to school and come home. "You have to be kidding me!" she snits. Adam, glaring, asks if he looks like he's kidding. No, he does not.
Amber has reported for duty at Julia's and is reviewing the page long list of emergency numbers, right down to poison control. Um, is Mae Whitman three feet tall? Or is Erika Christensen suddenly tall or wearing six-inch heels? Or are there steps involved? They look crazy talking to each other, and according to imdb, there is only a four-inch height difference. Julia, still on her Apology Train, says she's sorry about that whole scheduling snafu of earlier. Amber shrugs and says it was no big deal. Julia is confused. "Your mom said you were pretty upset," she says. At the same moment, it dawns on Amber and Julia what Sarah's whole Amber Must Babysit thing was about: her own insecurity. "I probably overreacted, or something," Amber tries covering, and they are saved from further embarrassment by Sydney running down the stairs. Julia and Joel start the whole dance of trying to leave while giving not-so-subtle reminders to the babysitter. "Are they always like this?" Amber asks when they're finally gone. Sighing, Sydney says "always."
Meanwhile at the boat house, Crosby is risking the life of his child, himself, and everyone within a two block radius, by spraying lighter fluid on his grill repeatedly to watch the fun ball of flame go into the sky. Weren't they ordering pizza? Right? Thus, this bullshit is just for fun? It made me kind of go into a rage, and I am no stick in the mud, but one does not just literally play with fire around a five-year-old or... anybody and act like it's no big deal. Because it definitely is a big deal. It is so upsetting that Jabbar is like, "wow! Do it some more!" and Crosby keeps spraying the stuff and they have it all romanticized with the slo-mo fireball and music in the background like, "ah, the father-son bonding moment." People, I know it's just TV, but idiots watch TV! And then DO idiotic things that they saw on TV.
Siiiigh. Anyway. Adam and Kristina are obviously detoxing from their day out on their back lawn. "I could always talk to Haddie," Adam says, morose. Kristina sweetly counsels him that rebelling is part of growing up, and that Haddie does not hate him. "She loves you more than anybody else in this entire world," she says, "and you know it." She says, though, that this dadoration isn't going to last forever, though. "She's going to grow up; she's going to fall in love," she says. Adam: "Not with that kid, YoYo, she's not!" Aw. "If it's any consolation," Kristina says, "you'll always be the most important man in my life." I'll say it again: aw, especially when they celebrate this moment by making out. I sort of love Adam and Kristina.
Back on the boat of fire, Crosby asks Jabbar how he likes his hot dogs. Okay, I guess the grill was fired up for a reason. For a moment I think Jabbar can't answer because he's inhaled the lighter fluid fumes, but no, he can't answer because he's gotten his thumb stuck in an aluminum can. "Well, why'd you put your thumb in a can?" he asks, and I wish Jabbbar would kick him in the face and be like, "I'm FIVE," but instead he gives a painful shrug and says he doesn't know. Crosby attempts to extricate the thumb with the tried-and-true soapy water method, but that won't work on aluminum, obviously. "Ow! It stings!" Jabbar cries, and say he can't feel his thumb. Crosby starts to panic.
Julia and Joel have made it out to date night, and wouldn't you know it, run into none other than Raquel. "Joelski!" she calls, across the restaurant, and though they try to keep walking, they are forced to go and say hello. Raquel and her husband are out in this very fancy restaurant with their daughter Harmony and invite the Js to sit down with them. "We're actually on date night," Joel says. Well, Raquel says, so are they! Julia and Joel look at Harmony like she is a fungus. "I work so much," Raquel's husband explains, "I just can't stand leaving Harmony with a babysitter." Ugh. Julia and Joel, both shamed and judgmental, mumble apologies and go to their table.
Crosby has taken matters into his own hands and has rushed Jabbar to the ER. He tries calling on the older sibs for backup, but it appears Adam is busy getting it on with his wife, and Sarah is busy spying through Julia's windows, making sure Amber is being a responsible babysitter. She is. Finally, Crosby gets Julia, at the restaurant where she continues to be amazed by Raquel's weird (to her) family -- particularly Harmony, who eats bouillabaisse. Okay, that is weird. Not even blinking, she rushes to the hospital for Crosby. He needs her, definitely, because since he's known Jabbar for five seconds, he has no information on him necessary to check him in to the emergency room, not even his date of birth or his home address. "Who's this?" Julia asks, rushing in and noticing the extremely adorable child with the can on his thumb. "This is Jabbar," Crosby says. "My son." Julia is shocked.
Not shocked: Amber, that her mom has showed up. "You forgot your uh... biology text book!" Sarah says, faux-casual. "You know what's funny," Amber says, "for a second I thought you were checking up on me." Sarah pffts and shrugs. "Afraid I was going to raid the liquor cabinet?" Amber asks. Sarah shrugs again and deadpans: "You have no proof of that." Amber is righteous. "You lied to Aunt Julia," she says. "You said that I was upset that I couldn't babysit." Sarah continues down her path of shame. "Yeah," she says, "because I knew you wanted the money!" Amber sighs. "It had nothing to do with you wanting to prove yourself to Aunt Julia?" Sarah goes through a series of tsks, and finally has to admit it. "She just makes me feel a little insecure," she says. "You know, like the world's worst mother and a complete failure at life. That kind of little." Amber rolls her eyes and calls out to Sydney, asking her if she wants to show Aunt Sarah what they've been working on. Sarah walks over to find that Amber has taught Sydney to make paper turtles, just like Sarah taught Amber when she was little and they had had to leave Seth and live in a crappy motel. "Amber showed me," Sydney says of the turtles. "You know who taught her how to do this?" Sarah asks, tearfully. Amber sighs, and Sarah puts her arm around her. "How 'bout I make us some drinks?" Amber asks. "They got a really nice selection over there." She doesn't say it, but you know Sydney is like "how did I get in this messed up family?"
Back at the ER, Julia has taken the situation in hand. Rather, she's taken Jabbar's thumb in hand. "This is slither cream," she says, putting lotion on Jabbar's thumb. "Anything that's stuck gets unstuck." Crosby watches intently as she tells Jabbar to close his eyes and say the magic words: "slippery, slither, slime." Crosby says them, too, and Julia slides the can right off Jabbar's thumb. "It wowked!" he says. "It really wowked!" Crosby smiles, really grateful, and Jabbar gives Julia a slightly-bloody thumbs up.
Post-coitally blissful, Adam wonders aloud if maybe it would be going too far to nail Haddie's window shut. Way to kill the mood, man. Kristina sighs and says she hopes that's not what he's been thinking about this whole time, and stomps off to the bathroom.
Meanwhile, as he tucks in Jabbar, Crosby gets a little sisterly advice from Julia. "Are you sure he's yours?" she asks. Crosby laughs. "Why, because he stuck his finger in a can?" he asks. That actually is a big indicator to me that he IS Crosby's son. Anyway,
Julia says no, she's asking because if Jabbar is Crosby's, it means Crosby has a lot of obligations to fulfill, legal and financial ones. Instead of answering, he deflects. "You were really great back there in the ER," he says. Julia: "Cros, this could be a big deal." He further shines her on. "I'm not kidding," he says. "You're an amazing mom. Like 100 percent." Julia smiles a sweet smile. "Thanks," she says. "Thanks for calling. I would have thought you'd call Adam or Sarah, first." Crosby: "Those deadbeats? Come on."
They hit the poignancy song button and we see Adam looking in on a sleeping Max while Kristina talks to Haddie in her room. When her own dad found out she was dating, Kristina says, he hit the roof. She was 16, she says, and going out with a boy named Trevor. "He wore a puka shell necklace," she says, wistfully, "and he was really tan, and..." Love it. "Okay," Haddie interrupts, embarrassed. "But did your dad nail your window shut." In a split second, Monica Potter and Sarah Ramos tell a complicated story. "Honey," Kristina says with the most subtle catch in her voice, "my dad was nothing like your dad. Trust me." Haddie recognizes, for just a moment, that her mom has a life story that began before she became a mom. Kristina goes on. "The point is," she says, "when it comes to dads and their daughters dating, it's primordial. That lizard part of their brains kick in, and..." Haddie interrupts again. "So, you're saying dad can't help himself?" she snarks. Kristina: "Yes. Just like you can't." She says Adam will probably come around about Steve, eventually, if he's as awesome as Haddie says. Haddie: "He is." They both smile. Kristina makes her promise not to sneak around anymore, and she does. "How mad is dad?" Haddie asks. Kristina: "You know, honey, I think he's more scared than anything." Haddie: "Of what?" Kristina: "Losing you." The camera pans out the door and we see that Adam has been standing in the hall, listening this whole time, with a look of such love and fear on his face... if you're not crying, I feel sorry for you.
Thank goodness there are commercials between that and the following scene. Not that anyone has forgotten about Drew masturbating all the time, right? Oh, wait, you had forgotten? Yeah. Me, too. And here he is, in the shower, presumably at it again. Only this time he's not getting away with it that easy. Zeek makes his move. "Kiddo," he says, barging in and yelling at Drew through the curtain. "We need to talk about some water conservation." Drew, naturally, is mortified. "Your uncles had the same problem," Zeek expounds, making himself comfortable on the toilet. "Adam was the worst. I almost called Guinness." Despite Drew's protests, Zeek continues. "When it comes to testosterone," he says, proudly, "the Braverman men are blessed with an abundance of riches, son." Drew: "Grandpa!" Zeek says he should feel pride at the strength of the Braverman libido. "Especially a Braverman needs to learn to control these gifts," Zeek goes on. "Hell, I remember what it was like! I was on R&R in Bangkok..." Heee. Drew stands under the water and prays for death.
Jasmine has arrived to pick up Jabbar, who is still sleeping off his drama from the night before. "What happened to his thumb?" Jasmine whispers when she sees the bandage. Crosby: "It was uh, a fishing accident!" Why would he lie about that? Weird and unnecessary. Why would a fishing accident be more acceptable than a thumb-can ordeal which many children probably get themselves into daily? Looking at his sleeping son, Crosby smiles.
Back at Adam's, Kristina is making the salad for the big family dinner when Adam comes in, putting the moves on her. "Still your favorite man in the world?" he asks, and she says yes, but shoos him away to finish the salad. "Really?" he asks, squeezing her. "Because I'm still feeling kind of sad..." Laughing, he asks if there has been any news on the YoYo front. In response, Kristina takes him over to the living room door where they look in on Haddie quietly playing a game with Max. They smile with pride.
Drew is playing basketball at Braverman HQ when Adam arrives for dinner. "Don't worry," he tells his nephew. "I'm not going to say anything about... anything." The rest of the uncles show up and a full-on game commences. Meanwhile, Zeek mans the grill, ribbing Sarah about how he was right all along about talking to Drew, lighter fluid in hand. Family tradition. "Hey, Sydney, watch this!" he calls, and while huge fireballs fill the sky, Sydney yells for him to do it again and runs toward the grill. "Oh, Sydney, stop!" Julia calls in a panic, but can't get to her in time. Quickly, Sarah jumps into the girl's path and swoops her up. Julia is relieved and smiles at Sarah, wordlessly thanking her for being so responsible. Sarah gets it, and in response, sticks out her tongue. Some sisterly face-pulling is exchanged, much to the confusion of the onlooking Amber. Kristina, chilling with Julia, sees Haddie coming up the walk with none other than YoYo. He is, of course, a perfectly respectable-looking high school hipster. Everybody holds their breath. Haddie holds the boy's hand. Adam makes his way over. "Daddy," Haddie says. "This is Steve." The boy offers his free hand to shake and Adam takes it, firmly, asking "wwwasssuup?" Beautiful.