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Newly single Cate tries to work her and Ryan's break-up into the ongoing Cate-Ryan on-air storyline, but her producer puts the kibosh on that idea. Turns out she was less than thrilled to play janitor during Cate's illegitimate child, a baby daddy, and secret office romance-turned-engagement drama over the last few months. Cate assures her everything will be fine. All she needs is a weekend by herself to set about moving on sans mental breakdown. Tough luck for old Cate, she's hosting a bridal expo that same weekend with her ex-fiancé. Yeah, the one that no one realizes is her ex. Have fun!
So Cate dutifully shows up at the bridal expo and dons a stunning strapless number (and a less becoming marabou shrug) that very nearly convinces Ryan to reconsider things. And then! Newly emboldened by a text message he shouldn't have seen between Ryan and Lux, Baze storms the expo with Math in tow. In short, he thinks Ryan has offered to buy Lux a new car, but it's really more of a MacGuffin than an actual important part of the plot. Anyhow, in his efforts to find Cate, Baze runs across a nefarious producer/event organizer who recognizes Bridezilla ingredients when he sees them and pits Baze (and Math, but really he doesn't count -- no pun intended) against Ryan in a knock-off of The Newlywed Game. The two big apes go toe-to-toe in their Cate knowledge, hurling barbs at each other all the while. Eventually it comes out that Baze didn't know about Ryan when he slept with Cate and has merely been trying to help her cover her ass with his lies. This revelation manages to spike Ryan's vitriol against Cate and inadvertently make Math call Baze a betraying sleazeball. Even though Math literally has nothing to do with anything outside of turtle racing -- albeit a pretty kick-ass contribution to the show in general.
Meanwhile, lonely Lux has been skipping school and moping around Baze's loft in a teenage girl funk for days. Jones drops off her assignments in a flimsy excuse to see Lux. Baze eagerly spots that the QB is into his daughter and offers a little quid pro quo if Jones will ask Lux out on a date. He jumps at the chance and dedicates at least six hours of his Saturday to drive Lux to Tasha's new home three hours away. The day goes splendidly, until Jones gets a case of honesty and tells Lux about his arrangement with Baze. Lux feels like she can't trust anyone and shuts Baze out of her world, too. That night, Ryan stops by the bar to cut a deal with Baze: He won't co-opt Baze's dad responsibilities if Baze promises never to crash another radio event again. They shake on it, and then Baze asks Ryan to do exactly what he just promised he wouldn't and give Lux a bit of fatherly guidance since she is currently shunning both of her parents. Ryan gives Lux a little perspective on the Jones situation, prompting her to pay a visit to Westmonte's BMOC and ask if they can go back to square one.
And in the kicker, the nice people at the bridal expo send Cate the stunning wedding gown from earlier in the day. Cue massive meltdown. I almost feel sorry for her, but homegirl really puts the "sham" in Miss Havisham. So I say let the ruination begin! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: One precocious illegitimate kid plus two moronic legitimate adults = this show.
Cate wakes up to another gray, drizzly morning. On any other day, it would just be Portland. Today, it's a pathetic fallacy! Truly pathetic. She rolls over to see a photo of her and Ryan in happier times and decides to embark upon a house-wide purge of all things that remind her of their relationship. After Cate boxes up all the bits and baubles of her busted loved, we cut to the radio show, where she's instructing a listener to take care of themselves -- 'cause sure as Hell no one else will. Ryan shoots her a sideways glance as she tells the caller to do something for herself. Ryan interjects that, if she doesn't, she's just a stone's throw away from strolling down the grocery stores aisles in "give-ups," a.k.a. sweat pants that scream to the world, "I give up." Cate says she (and Michelle Obama for guns' sake!) wears sweat pants. Ryan snipes that Baze wears them, too. It goes over the caller's head as she says at least Cate has Ryan on sweat pants days. Cate says she's re-christening her sweat pants "move-ons" because that's what she'll be doing in them from now on. She stops just short of announcing her and Ryan's split, instead saying she's "moving on" to the weather report. Oh boy... Ten bucks says she blows before episode's end. Cate asks if Ryan's going to keep being a snippy bitch and make things harder than they need to be. He's all, "I know you are, but what am I?! Pfffffft!" and walks out as the producer comes in to try to encourage them a bit about keeping the tension under wraps. Barely.
Baze's. Lux and Tasha have a phone-bitching session about their jerk boyfriends. Tasha's bf apparently "dry hump[ed] skateboarding tramp" behind her back. And since Bug still hasn't made contact, he could very well be doing the same, says Lux. Or lying dead in a ditch, counters Tasha! Very comforting. Tasha says Bug is a good guy at heart and will resurface eventually. Lux says she feels like everyone she cares for is disappearing. Tasha assures her she's there for her, but the three-hour trip between them begs to differ. Baze (in sweat pants!) approaches to break up the girl talk as Tasha asks what happened with Cate. Lux says Cate doesn't get it. Tasha asks what about Baze, and Lux looks up to see Baze making some weird mime motion. Apparently it means "driving lessons," but Lux is far too disaffected with life to be bothered by such trivialities. She also can't be bothered with school, which doesn't go over with Baze, who is legitimately trying this fathering thing on for size. The key word there is "trying." It becomes obvious as Baze heads across the room to moan about Lux's depressing teen attitude to Math. Math says Baze can't keep allowing Lux's truancy, but Baze says he doesn't want to push her too hard. Math argues that teens, specifically Lux, need pushing and that she'll never make friends who actually live within 50 miles if she doesn't attend school. Baze is baffled that someone in his gene pool can't make friends. He says she's pals with the beer delivery guy, Manuelo, and Math gives up trying to talk sense to him.
They hear a loud noise outside. Baze runs downstairs and finds Jones peering into the steaming hood of his jeep. He says he volunteered to bring Lux her homework and views her as a friend. Baze zeroes in on Jones's obvious soft spot for Lux and says he'll arrange for a mechanic to check out the SUV if Jones will do him a favor. Jones wonders what the favor might be. Cut to Lux dumbfounded that Jones has asked her on a date. She mocks him for inviting her to cheer him on at the Big Game before taking her to the malt shop to share a milkshake with two straws. He tells her not to hate on milkshakes. Amen, Brother Jones! She says they're inherently incompatible because he's Abercrombie (love that she called him that to his face, heh) and she's "foster freak bong girl." Jones sees her bong girl and raises her a story arc from She's All That. Dear God, please don't parade Usher up to Baze's to tell them to break into "that dance we practiced during lunch period." Shudder. At any rate, you've got to admire Jones' pluck. He persists with this date idea and promises her there will be no sporting events or milkshakes. She looks at him curiously.
Back at the station, Cate tells her producer that she loves her job -- particularly since it's all she has left -- but begs the producer to allow her to quit presenting herself as part of a happy couple with Ryan. The producer tells Cate that this is just one of a number of messes she's gotten herself into in the last month or two. And all of those messes have been potential pitfalls to their on-air popularity. She says the listeners are now digging "Cate and Ryan," so that's how they'll have to stay until further notice. Cate gives her a surly thumbs-up and starts rattling off all of the travesties that have befallen her of late. The producer tells her to buck up, having a breakdown is not an option. Cate says she'll be fine as long as she can hit pause on life for the weekend. Unfortunately, reminds the producer, that's not an option either because Cate and Ryan are slated to host a bridal expo that weekend. What's more, the expo is where the radio station is launching its new marketing campaign. At which point she pulls out a life-size cutout of Cate and Ryan on a wedding cake. "Remember," she warns her, "you love your job." Credits.
Bridal expo. Cate walks in with her producer. As you might expect, she's full of sunshine and kittens at the sight of all this wedding stuff -- which, honestly, she probably would have retched at before the break-up. She braces herself, saying it's only eight hours to get through. Ryan approaches her to tell her they're due at their first event. Cate steels herself with a glass of champagne. The good stuff, I'm sure.
Baze's. Jones arrives for his date with Lux... at 9 a.m. Before they even get out the door, Lux is flipping out and mumbling under her breath that Bug never picked her up for a date at nine in the morning.
Expo. An overly chipper bride-to-be is on stage recounting her proposal story when she found her ring in a pile of nachos and was serenaded by a mariachi band. Gross. With that to follow, Cate and Ryan approach the stage. Carrying a bouquet, she asks, "We can do this, right?" Ryan hisses, "If anybody can lie, it's you." Now it's up to them to tell their engagement story. Good times! They ease into their patter, making the audience oooh and ahhh, and it almost looks like they're reconsidering the break-up after all. Cate keeps it together and throws to the emcee.
Meanwhile, Jones drives Lux down a remote road as she gives him crap about being lost. She stops being a prick to notice that they have the exact same taste in music. In fact, they attended the same [insert obscure band name here] concert before they met. Lux steps out of the situation to snark that, if this were a romantic comedy, this would be the moment where they realized they were meant to be. Jones smiles hopefully. She squirms a bit -- but also seems a bit piqued.
Back at the loft, Math is astounded that Baze is actually encouraging Lux to go out on dates. Baze openly admits that he's trying to live out some "my daughter is dating the QB" fantasy he has from his own days in school. Well... at least the back of the jeep is too small for more similarities to his high school days, I guess. His phone buzzes and interrupts the conversation. Oddly, it's Ryan. Turns out, it's Lux's phone. Baze throws personal privacy to the wind and opens up the text, in which Ryan consoles her about MIA Bug and encourages her to give it a try with Jones. Uh oh, watch out for the chest pounding gorilla in our midst. He's charging towards us even as I type. So, yeah, Baze goes ballistic that Ryan is still interloping on his daddy territory. And that's before he reads down to see that Ryan has invited Lux to go car shopping with him the wee
kend. Baze decides to make an appearance at the bridal expo. Because that's totally the "bigger man" thing to do. This is going to turn out well!
Expo. Cate's producer is now forcing her to try on wedding gowns for a marketing photo. Cate holds back tears as she changes from one dress to another and starts ranting that she's not meant to be a cake-tasting, wedding-dress-shopping kind of girl. Now she'll just have to learn how to be okay with that. She opens up the curtains to reveal herself in a dress that I think is kind of amazing looking on her. But apparently I've been watching too much Say Yes to the Dress (that one lady's lips are spellbinding!) because Cate's producer calls it an "albino mermaid" nightmare and throws any old dress back at her before storming out.
Out in the hall, Baze and Math have arrived. They make a beeline for the K100 booth to ask where Cate is. Along the way, Baze introduces himself to the man at the booth, who says that Baze is becoming a network staple after last week's car contest shenanigans. He calls up another K100 planner on his walkie talkie and tells her to nix the super fans because he's "got something much better."
Elsewhere, Jones finally pulls up to his destination. Lux takes in the modest home with a play set outside. She sarcastically asks if Jones has brought her to meet his grandparents. Instead, Tasha emerges from the house. She and Lux run toward each other and hug happily. Jones says he called Tasha to arrange their meet-up, then teases they can still hit up the malt shop if she'd like. Lux continues hugging Tasha as she looks at Jones with sincere appreciation. He smiles back at her.
Back at the expo, Cate tries on another dress -- strapless with delicate lace detailing on the top and an elaborate button-up back. She calls out for someone to help her fasten it up, and guess who's conveniently, bittersweetly nearby. Ryan. He closes up the dress and tells her this is exactly how he imagined she would look at their wedding. He says he's glad he got to see it. She smirks that now he can go back to hating her. He gently caresses her upper arm as he tells her he doesn't hate her. He's just trying to get through the day, too. She sees that he's vulnerable and starts a slow advance, suggesting that, if they can pretend that nothing happened for the world they can also pretend it for themselves. He isn't ready to give in that easily, but he lets her keep moving her face closer to his. They get closer and closer to kissing, and then the producer busts in to tell them to hurry up for their photo opp. Cate tries to cling on to Ryan, but he tells her they'll talk later and walks off. The producer asks Cate if she's okay before handing her a marabou nightmare (shawl?) and ominously assuring her that she had nothing to do with picking out the contestants for their appearance. "What contestants?" asks Cate. The producer deflects, "And you look so pretty!"
Out on stage, the "Nearly Wed Game" begins. Ryan and Cate will have to prove how well they know each other. But first, what about those contestants? As you could have easily guessed, it's "Cate's high school stalker" Math and "Cate's high school crush" Baze. So much for the reconciliation. Ryan is nothing but a tuxedo-clad open wound at this point. As Baze pulls Cate into him territorially and smugs that he loves these contests, it's obvious Cate is no happier about this development than Ryan. Baze takes his seat to a fuming Ryan and hoots childishly into his opponent's ear. Commercials.
As the game gets going, the announcer reminds the audience, "Just because they look like the perfect couple doesn't mean they are." As he chats up the audience, Cate's producer tries to scamper across the stage, only to be caught in Cate's griffon-like talons. She tells her she was doing well keeping it together until this happened, now all bets are off. The producer preemptively takes the mic from the conniving emcee and decides to run the contest herself. She promises it will be brief. As she asks the first question, Baze calls out Ryan for butting in on his bond with Lux. "What's ," he asks, "a starter home?" Ryan looks perplexed. The producer tells them to stop the side chat and write down their answers -- to the question they didn't hear because they were too busy having a slap fight like little girls. Of course Math heard the question. He's going to sweep this thing.
Somewhere, three hours away, Tasha affirms that her new parents just wanted a babysitter, and she and Lux reminisce about another set of horrible foster parents she once had. Tasha moves the conversation along to Jones. Lux admits that Bug never would have done anything as thoughtful as this. Tasha says Bug would have driven her here... in a stolen car. She tells Lux that Bug called and left his number for Lux. But Lux hesitates at taking it. Tasha urges her to take it just in case she changes her mind.
We return to the Nearly Dead Game, and I was sadly mistaken about Math. He hasn't gotten a single question right. Ryan's gotten two right. Baze has somehow managed three. question: What is Cate's favorite song? Math takes a stab in the dark, guessing it is Vanessa Williams' timeless "Save the Best for Last," which Cate sang in a high school talent show sophomore year. Baze claims it's "Bitchin' Camaro," which is apparently an actual song by the Dead Milkmen (I prefer "Punk Rock Girl"). It's also a self-made opportunity for Baze to announce that his father bought him a bitchin' Camaro, then snarl under his breath that Ryan is some "freak fake step-father figure" who had no right to offer to buy Lux a car. Cate sees the tension rising and tells her producer to move things along. Ryan guesses "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds. And we have a winner! Or so says Cate, who has clearly scratched off her original answer and written in Ryan's so that she can be done with this shit show. She starts walking off the stage, making her best attempt to look dignified in marabou. It's a losing game, girl.
The producer stops her to say they must ask a tie-breaking question: What is your number one relationship dealbreaker? As they jot down their answers, Baze continues to stoke the fires in a side conversation with Ryan. Ryan clarifies that he wasn't buying Lux a new car, he was going to buy himself a new one and give Lux his old one. Baze says he's still out of line and that, furthermore, he has no right talking to Lux about boys. He lets slip that he made Jones ask Lux out. Ryan tells him it's going to come back to bite him in the ass. Baze doesn't care, though. He's on a rampage and doesn't mince words, telling Ryan that he'll be all up in Ryan's face as long as Ryan continues in his. With that, it's time to reveal the answers. Math, who honestly shouldn't even be answering this question seeing as he has zero points, stammers and rambles until the producer finally grabs his card. It reads, "The apocalypse." Moving on. Baze's card has a car with a prohibited sign over it, no explanation. The producer thinks he, like Math, may have misunderstood the questions. She says that Ryan can win simply by writing English words on paper. Of course, she doesn't realize what word -- singular -- he chose: Baze. Gasps from the crowd. It's like Springer up in here. Ryan storms out. Cate's marabou flutters from the cold breeze emanating off of him.
She follows him backstage, sans marabou thankfully. She assures Ryan that Baze is her dealbreaker, too. Baze interjects that Ryan needs to stop taking his anger out on Baze by sabotaging his relationship with Lux. Ryan calls Baze a sleazebag for sleeping with another man's fiancé. Baze finally blows the lid off the whole thing, telling Ryan he didn't even know Cate had a boyfriend and was only doing her a favor by keeping the whole thi
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ng under wraps. Cate asks him, "What the Hell is the matter with you?" and then somehow Math finds a way to insinuate himself into the equation (no pun intended) because his little loser, Cate-infatuated heart has been broken by Baze's treachery. Newsflash, turtle face: She was never yours for the taking. He huffs out. Now it's back to Ryan, who has decided to decamp to Team Baze. He glares at Cate, saying, "The real question is, what the Hell is wrong with you?" Cate follows behind, and he dresses her down for living a lie and only admitting the truth accidentally. He asks her what was going through her mind to make Baze worth trashing their relationship. She says she doesn't know. He says she's even more screwed up than he thought and should spend her time fixing herself instead of their relationship.
Meanwhile, Jones and Lux arrive back in Portland. He says he'll happily drive her to Tasha's -- or wherever she wants -- whenever she wants. She admits she thought this day would be a disaster, but she ended up feeling like someone actually got her. Jones comes out with the truth that taking her to Tasha's was actually Baze's idea. He spills the beans on the deal they struck because he likes her and wants to avoid some big dramatic reveal later. Oh, but Lux is dead set on making it dramatic right damn now. Instead of being even-headed about the whole thing and realizing that Jones did a very nice thing for her, she feels betrayed and wonders out loud if Baze tipped him off to her favorite music, too. He promises he did everything else himself and says he only mentioned his deal with Baze because he didn't think it was a big deal (it's not). She says it is a big deal (it's not), and if he doesn't get that, he doesn't get her. Now we know which parent Lux takes after. Hint: Rhymes with "hyperventilATE." She stomps upstairs and gives Baze a chilly reception. She snaps at him for setting her up. He tries to play it down and talk some sense into Lux, but she's having none of it. She throws a full-on teen hissy before yanking closed the shower curtain separating her room from the rest of the loft. It's decidedly less effective than the attic door at Cate's.
Some time later, Lux pulls out the paper with Bug's number on it. A girl answers, and Lux asks for Bobby Guthrie. Wow, that's his name? Who knew Bug could be the better option? The girl says Bug's not around, so Lux asks her to leave a message: "Tell him that Lux called and to come home." Way to throw your self-respect out the window, homegirl.
Downstairs, Baze is pouring shots for his patrons when Ryan approaches the bar. He admits he overstepped his bounds with Lux but says he won't step aside just for Baze's benefit. Lux has had enough disappointments in life, she doesn't need Ryan to abandon her, too. Baze offers to buy him a beer. Ryan says he'll stay away from Baze's "dad turf" if Baze promises to stay away from the radio events. Baze lets out a good-natured chuckle, and it looks like we have a peace treaty. He acknowledges that Ryan was the bigger man to come down and admit his mistakes. He confirms that the Jones thing bit him in the ass, just as Ryan said it would. Now that Lux refuses to talk to him or Cate -- and without Math as an ally -- Baze actually needs Ryan to step on his "dad turf" for a bit.
Ryan heads upstairs and immediately teases that Lux must be really mad at Cate to sleep behind a shitty shower curtain. They bond over Cate's shortcomings, namely her cooking, before Ryan brings up Lux's anger at Baze. She takes issue with the lies. Bug may have been no charmer, but he never lied. Ryan reminds her that he verbally abused her, then abandoned her. He tells Lux to give Jones a chance, pointing out that Jones and Baze both went out of their way to make her happy, regardless of whether she approves of their means. He says she has three guys who really care about her and gets a grim look on his face, conceding that he misses Cate.
Speaking of that cheating hussy, the doorbell rings over at Cate's house. It's a massive box with her wedding dress from the expo in it -- a token of gratitude from the organizers, who don't realize she and Ryan are no longer engaged. She clutches the dress and finally has that breakdown we've been expecting.
Meanwhile, Lux shows up at Jones' house. She asks him to start over and get to know each other as friends. He says he'd like that. They shake hands, reintroduce themselves, and stare into each other's eyes in a way that shows this "just friends" thing won't last a hot minute.
week: Everyone gets a chance to relive history as Jones escorts Lux to Winter Formal, hitting a little too close to home with Cate "I Got Knocked Up at Prom" Cassidy and Nate "I Knocked a Bitch Up at Prom" Bazile.
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