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It's Winter Formal time, and Jones asks Lux to go with him. She says yes, inspiring a massive sense of pride-slash-vicarious-glee from Baze, followed by paranoia when Math reminds him that their winter formal consisted of hidden flasks and sullied condoms. Of course, when it comes to using prophylactics, it looks like Lux doesn't need a special occasion -- Bug returns to Portland, and home girl only gives him about five seconds of crap before stripping half-nekkid on Baze's leather couch. It's spoonus interruptus when Baze enlists Cate's sister Abby to educate Lux on abstinence (too late!). As tends to be the way with these things, the lecture goes ass-up when Abby starts talking about flexible shower heads, "back" massagers, and spin cycles. Horrifying. She also hits on Baze in front of Lux for good measure. And Baze spills the beans to Bug (who is hiding behind Lux's bed) that Jones is in the picture. Naturally, Bug jumps to the worst conclusion possible, which is pretty much why the shithead left in the first place. To Lux's credit, she calls him out for his SOS.
Meanwhile, Math plays both sides of the fence, inviting Cate to chaperon the dance with the underpinning notion that it's a date. Of course, Cate's way-the-frig too wrapped up in herself to ever consider anyone else's feelings, so it goes right over her head up. That is, until the point where he pulls out the pink carnation corsage, and the fact that he really thinks he's getting a do-over from high school becomes painfully obvious. And I mean painfully, y'all. And speaking of painful pick-ups, Jones and Lux have their She's All That moment when he arrives to escort Lux, who regardless of her old-school high tops is wearing the least Lux-like dress ever courtesy of Cate and one of the moms from Toddlers & Tiaras. That is only, of course, after he inadvertently knocks on Baze for being "the kind of guy who would just hook up with a girl at Winter Formal and ditch her in the parking lot." HA!
Things inevitably go to pot when Lux sees Cate and Math (or, as the Westmonte kids call him, "Mr. Rogers") arrive and decides to partake in Jones's flask. At the same time, Baze finds a (still-sealed) condom on the floor of his loft and assumes it's Jones's. He storms the formal just as Jones shows Lux a dance he learned on PBS that afternoon and stands just close enough to the microphone while arguing with Cate to make a scene. Jones takes Lux outside to cool down, and she manages to tell him Cate and Baze's twisted back story just before Baze rips off the door of the Jeep to have a showdown. "It's Mister Bazile now." Awesome. So one thing leads to another, and Lux informs her oblivious parents and an even more oblivious Jones that a.) her purity is long since lost, b.) Bug's back, and c.) they suck at life (that one's reserved just for Cate and Baze).
In the wake of that little family bonding moment, Cate confronts Baze on some harsh comments he said about her the day after they had sex. Words that have affected and shaped her probably to this very second. That part's actually really sad. No snark needed. Elsewhere, Lux tries to patch things up with Jones, but he's not having it. She runs into Cate in the hallway, and they have a détente where Cate apologizes and invites Lux back into her life and/or home whenever she's ready. Lux re-enters the dance where she finds Bug, who has managed to acquire a suit -- probably by murdering a spindly investment banker and ripping it off his very back. He admits to his insecurities but promises to be there for her regardless of his own issues. The night wraps up on a nice note: Math and Cate share a "screw the past" dance out in the high school corridor, then she shows up at Baze's for a re-do moment, complete with impossibly acquired, no-longer-in-production Zima. But that moment is underscored by potential disaster as Baze was in bed with Cate's sister when she knocked on the door. Lux found them there and warned Baze to get it together. Man that kid knows some dirt. Perhaps, like Regina George, that's why her hair is so voluminous.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Everything we already know, plus self-involved moms, self-respecting fiancés, and teenage walkouts galore.
Lux rides her bike to school as Cate and Ryan spar on-air about the merits, or lack thereof, of eye contact during oral. Cate finds it unsettling. Ryan tells her, "If we don't work out, you should write a manual on the 'Dos and Don'ts of Cate Cassidy." She agrees, "Yeah... if we don't work out." Strained eye contact. Lux arrives at school and struggles with her bike lock. Jones gives her a hand and makes small talk until he gets up the balls to ask her to Winter Formal. Lux tells him she'd rather eat paste before realizing he just asked her on another date. He stammers that it would be just as friends and promises her it'll be better than eating paste.
Back at the station, Ryan notes Cate looks a little haggard. "Driving everyone you love out of your life is pretty exhausting," she snarks. He asks if she's been in touch with Lux, and she says it's been strained to say the least. She wants to make things better, but Lux is barely speaking to her. Ryan tells her she doesn't have to settle for 'no' with Lux. "Only with you?" she asks. That'd be a yes.
Later that afternoon, Math (still bearing a grudge against Baze) tutors Lux in chemistry. Baze pipes in to suggest they play putt-putt that night. Lux says she can't because she's going to the dance. She adds that she's going with Jones, and Baze is psyched that his daughter's becoming the kind of cool girl he would have dated back in the day. Math, meanwhile, takes every opportunity to take jabs at Baze for being a backstabbing narcissist. Which, to be fair, he can be sometimes. But Math is a little too invested in this 16-year-old drama, if I do say so myself. Lux notes the awkwardness and leaves to go find a frock. Baze calls out Math for being a drama queen about his sleeping with Cate, adding "how was I supposed to know that after all these years you were still serial-killer obsessed with her?" Just then, Cate walks in and wonders who they're talking about. "Cher!" Math blurts out. "But not in a gay way." Baze shoots back, "Is there another way?" Heh. It all flies over Cate's head because she's on a mission to badger Lux into liking her again. Baze updates her about Lux going to the Winter Formal with Jones. She jumps on the idea to help Lux shop for a dress. As she heads upstairs, Math admits Baze did a nice thing by allowing Cate in for the shopping bonding. Baze, however, says he dodged a bullet -- dresses are expensive! Figures.
A bit later, Cate loiters in the dress shop while Lux searches for her outfit. She tries to spark conversation a few times, but Lux variously shuts her down and cuts her off by pulling out the sluttiest Real Housewives of Vegas (if there were one) dress she can find. Cate strolls to another rack and pulls a hot pink strappy number with lots of sparkles. This dress couldn't be less Lux-y, but she seems to go for it until she sees how expensive it is. Cate says she just wants to be part of Lux's big night. Getting a chilly reception on that suggestion, she stops beating around the bush and asks how long Lux is going to punish her. She says no responsible parent would have taken in Tasha. Lux brats that Baze offered. Cate's point is thusly proven. Lux says all Cate does is bash Baze. She tells Cate to just buy whatever damn dress she wants, then stomps off to the car.
Back at the bar, Baze apologizes (with a pastrami sandwich!) to Math for sleeping with Cate. He also suggests that Math make his move now that Cate is single. Math asks if Baze isn't going to go for it with Cate. Baze snorts he'd "rather date Satan. He'd go easier on" him. Math takes the sandwich, and it seems all is forgiven. Baze says he thinks the tables have turned and that parenting isn't as hard as Cate said. Math points out the giant hole in Baze's reasoning -- Baze got drunk and knocked a bitch up at his Winter Formal. Oh yeah! Baze has faith in Lux, but Math reminds him Cate was just as virtuous -- if not more -- than Lux 16 years and nine months (give or take) ago. Math tells him to give Lux the sex talk. Because, he says, the only thing weirder than talking to your kids about genitals is becoming a grandfather at 32. You can probably hear the blood surging through the blood in Baze's temples at that thought.
Upstairs, Lux unpacks her dress, overjoyed to see the Texas pageant bullshit they're claiming is her style. She holds it up to herself in front of the mirror, only to be interrupted by Bug. Surprise! She throws the dress down and is all kinds of, "WTF?!" She calls him out for his disappearing act, which is, in fact, the opposite of being a better boyfriend. He tries to smooth things over with a kiss, but she pulls away and says it's not that easy. He tells her he left because he was turning into someone he never wanted to be. But now he's back. He loves her, and he wants to change. He looks at her with big puppy dog eyes that nearly make me forget about the hideous neck tat. Nearly. It works for Lux, though. She smiles, and they start kissing.
Cate answers the door at her house with a big old bag of chips in her hand. Glad to see she's not comfort eating! Oh wait, but it gets worse. As she escorts Math inside, she has to clear the couch of even more chip bags, an empty wine bottle, and a box of cookies. I shudder to think where in that couch the empty pint of ice cream is hiding. Ignoring the one-way ticket to Fatsylvania lying on the coffee table, Math proposes that Cate chaperone the Winter Formal with him. She seems hesitant after the beer pong fiasco, but he says they can make up an excuse about needing parent volunteers. This way she can spend secret QT with Lux. And he can finally have his dream date -- though he doesn't make that point quite as prominent as the others. She agrees to this "date." His word.
Baze's. Having stripped nearly naked in record time, Lux and Bug are now spooning on Baze's leather couch (something tells me he didn't have the foresight of Blair Waldorf re: Scotch Guarding). Speak of the Devil-dater, Lux hears Baze approaching and sends Bug scurrying to hide in her "bedroom." No-balls Baze has brought Cate's sister Abby with him because he's not man enough to take the sex talk head-on. Abby is plenty brave (or more likely stupid), and she just plows right into it, stopping just short of mounting Baze (hands-on education!) and presenting Lux with a "Thanks for listening" vibrator. Lux realizes they're giving her the sex talk and doesn't have the heart to tell them it's a bit too late -- or so I gather from the couple of minutes. She self-consciously bares with them, all the while knowing that Bug can hear every word. This tactic blows right up in her face when Baze mentions Jones. Lux jumps up, promising that she is not having sex with Jones, nor does plan to. Baze wipes the sweat from his brow and high fives her, all, "Awesome talk!" as he and Abby swiftly exit the bloodbath.
Outside a few moments later, Bug is doing what he does best -- jumping to conclusions. Maybe they call him Cricket instead? He starts up with the exact same bullshit about how Lux isn't allowed to be normal or do average high school stuff. She's a Foster Freak, remember? Furthermore, he accuses her of wanting him to come back so she can rub her perfect high school life in his face. Sheesh. She tells him that he made her life Hell by bailing on her. Yet, somehow, his coming back has made her feel even worse. It's called "terrible person," Lux. Get. Rid.
That night, Math picks up Cate at her house. He is wildly impressed by her dress, which is frankly pretty boring. But then again so is Math, I suppose. She laughs at him for "ironically" bringing her a pink carnation corsage, except I'm pretty sure it's not ironic to him. Carrie Bradshaw, she ain't. And he is no Mr. Big. Not even Berger, for that matter. Though, if we're being honest, I liked Berger until they wrote him into an a-hole corner. He was my pink carnation, I guess. But I digress... So Math over-eagerly offers to put on Cate's corsage, and it becomes clear that he has every ounce of his high school self invested in this evening. She blows it by telling him, "If I take it off later, it's only because it's itchy." Could she be any more self-involved? She does, mercifully, thank him for going to the effort of getting her flowers.
Over at Baze's, the old man corners Jones and calls him "son" before laying out the rules as vaguely as possible that he doesn't want Jones "going there and doing that" with Lux. Jones assures Baze that he really likes Lux and isn't "the kind of guy who would just hook up with a girl at Winter Formal and ditch her in the parking lot, you know?" Oh... how Baze knows. Point, Jones! Baze puts that in his pipe and smokes it as Lux appears in her shiny pink dress -- with neon high top sneakers to maintain her street cred. Instead she looks like some dreadful spawn of Avril Lavigne and [insert Disney Robot Starlet here]. Regardless, Jones and Baze are scripted to be wowed. As they leave, Baze stops them to take a mandatory "embarrassing dad" photo. Lux walks down the stairs, and Baze assures Jones that he's "a stand-up little dude, dude." We'll see about that.
The youngsters make it to Westmonte. Lux and Jones have a meaningful "You're not like The Others" moment in the parking lot, which is of course interrupted by The Others, namely Jones's friends who just pulled some prank on the principal. Jones pulls out his flask, and they all have a good laugh about how juvenile they are. Har har. Then one of The Others spots Math with his "date." Jones asks Lux if that's her mom. Lux takes a big swig. Meanwhile, Baze is strutting around the loft like a rock star. Then he finds a condom by the couch. Ignoring the fact that it's still wrapped, he assumes the worst and begins to reconsider his classification of Jones as a "stand-up little dude."
Dance. Cate and Math watch the teens go inside and snark about how skanky they all are. Lux approaches, and Cate immediately wonders what's up with her shoes. Lux runs up while Jones checks in and snits at Cate for being there. Cate promises it'll be like she's not even there. Jones arrives and gives Cate a chipper hello, only to have Lux sulk off without a word. They head inside, and Jones asks Lux to dance. And by "dance," I mean bounce around seizure-like and occasionally throw a hand or two in the air. It's like he watched Napoleon Dynamite and "How To Dance Like a White Guy" and thought, "There might just be something to this!" Yikes. Just like she inexplicably loved the pink dress, Lux laughs hysterically and joins in on the a-rhythmic flailing.
Somewhere near the punch bowl, Math listens sympathetically as Cate bitches about how brutal high school was. She wonders if this was a bad idea. He reminds her that 16 years have passed, that she's not that girl anymore. Then he adds, for his own ends, that he's not that guy, either. She breathes a sigh of relief that at least Baze isn't there. Oops, spoke too soon! Baze walks in, looking dopey as ever as he searches for Lux and Jones. Cate spots him first and cuts him off at the pass to ask why he's there. He asks her the same. She says she's chaperoning and calls dibs on this night. Baze (who is wearing a T-shirt with a keg that says "Tap that") calls her immature, then insults Math's corsage. Math intervenes to steer the ship in the right direction. Baze lies that Lux forgot her purse. Cate tries to snatch it from him, but Baze smugs that he's going to take a walk around and "relive [his] former glory." Their arguing gets loud enough that Lux notices them both there. Jones sees she's growing tense and asks her if she wants to go outside. She says yes. Baze follows them out. And just as Math is about to ask Cate to dance, Cate joins the bandwagon, too.
Outside, Jones commiserates with Lux about embarrassing parents. She fills him in on the back story of her conception. Just as Jones starts to understand the weird place she has to exist in, Baze rips open his door. Jones swears they were just listening to music. Baze says, and I quote, "Right, right, I know where that leads. A little Spin Doctors, some Zima, the thing you know you've got a crazy chick tracking you down a football field holding a stick that she peed on!" While Cate processes that beautiful summation of their lovemaking, not to mention figures out why Baze is so freaked out and where her sister comes in, Baze gets increasingly intense with Jones. He even tells him to address him as "Mr. Bazile," which is pretty awesome, albeit wildly inappropriate for many obvious reasons. Finally Lux drops the bomb that it was her condom. One that she planned to use with her recently returned good-for-naught boyfriend Bug. And by the by, she's not a virgin. She nearly moved in with Bug, as we well remember. It's so obvious to everyone but Baze and Cate, ironically. Having just been handed a pile of information, Jones joins Cate in the "Who in the what now?" chorus. He appears to still be repeating it in his head as he skitters away. Then Lux tells her parents they both suck equally. Which is to say a lot.
A bit later, Cate and Baze finally have out an argument that has been building for nearly two decades. He says he's not the root of all her problems. She tells him he ruined her life back then and seems hell-bent on doing it now. She adds a new layer of ugliness to the mix, though, telling him she heard him the day after they slept together. According to her, he told his friends on the Monday after the dance that he wouldn't have slept with Cate unless she had a bag over her head and tape over mouth -- that way he wouldn't have to see or hear her. She felt like a fool because she actually thought she might have a boyfriend the whole weekend after they slept together. She even told one of her friends. And then she heard that. "It's no wonder I have a job in radio," she says bitterly. He claims he didn't mean it, but that hurt is far too old to be erased. That comment has haunted her until now, when she's standing in a high school hoping to matter someone. Baze says he matters to her. Cate gets defensive, saying she was talking about Lux and to get over himself. She tells him he hasn't changed at all, he still thinks he's God's gift to the universe and that she's nothing.
Inside, Lux finds Jones and tries to clear the air. He admits she hurt him and that he thought there might be something more between them. She says he's her one friend at school. He tells her he doesn't know what he is.
She walks outside, where Cate is sitting and staring out the window. She tells Lux that high school dances suck no matter how old you are. Lux sits down on the condition that Cate won't turn this moment into some forced heart-to-heart. Cate promises not to be too earnest, then tells Lux she was right about Cate punishing Baze for the past. She asks if that sounds familiar. Lux has been doing the same thing with her about the Tasha situation. She says that neither of them can depend on someone else to fix things. Regardless, she wants to be part of Lux's life. Lux admits she misses Cate.
Math breaks up the moment to tell Lux someone is looking for her. She heads back inside to find Bug. In a suit. With flowers. I suspect he visited a funeral home earlier in the night and there's a naked corpse somewhere in Portland. The flowers, he claims, are paid for. He tells Lux that he'll stick by her regardless of what she wants to do. He acknowledges that he put up so resistance because he was uncomfortable being around Lux's new friends because he felt inferior to them. Lux assures him he's good enough, maybe even better than The Others. They kiss and sway to emo strumming.
Back out in the hallway, Cate apologizes to Math for being a terrible date. Math is understanding, as ever. They agree to a re-do and dance their troubles away.
Meanwhile, Baze returns to the bar to find Abby rounding out her third cosmo. Baze moans about being the root of all of Lux's and Cate's issues. Abby tells him Cate had many issues, including a drunken mom and a dad who walked out on them, long before she knew Baze. Baze says he never realized Cate liked him. Abby said everybody liked him and confesses she liked him, too, then pawns it off to the cocktails. She points out the things he is good at, all the ways he has stepped up in the past few months. They make fun of Cate for pronouncing a silent 'g' on the end of words (ex. "bonk-clamp"). Baze softens on Cate's abrasiveness, and yet he's also working the Baze-y magic with Abby, so I immediately don't like where this is going.
Upstairs, Cate knocks on the door as Lux puts her flowers in a vase. She asks if Baze is around. Lux opens his door, and who does she find in there? Hint: Rhymes with "scabby." Lux incredulously tells Baze Cate is waiting for him outside. When he gets there (leaving Abby naked in his bed?), Cate is eying her mangled Spin Doctors tape. She makes up for it by offering him some Zima and a do-over. She says she wants to put the past behind them. He genuinely apologizes for his horrible comments, and she tells him she knows he's better than that now. They sit down, crack open their Zimas, and toast. Baze suggests "old enemies." Cate takes it one step further, proposing the toast to new friends.
week: Just as they seem to be working towards becoming a family, counseling tears our beloved trio apart.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks about Life when he has No Prior Knowledge!