Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 60
Best Insult of the Night: "It stinks. It's dried parsley -- sprinkle it on your wife, but not on the fucking plate."
We're back on Long Island -- Islip, Long Island, to be precise -- for tonight's Nightmare. The restaurant is called Seascape, and it is run by a mother who has nearly as foul a mouth as Ramsay, and her son, Peter, who is a total mama's boy. The restaurant has been around since 1962, and when Motherboy's father ran the place, it was a huge success, doing 300 covers on Saturday nights. Marilyn, who looks like a Phyllis Diller-Audrey Meadows combo special, has been waitressing at the Seascape since 1967 and she remembers the golden years. Sadly, now she's embarrassed to tell people she works there.
If you want to know what's wrong with the place, ask the staff, and you'll get a variety of opinions. The chef, Doug, says the place smells like a sewer, and another waitress corroborates this. However, Motherboy says it's because Doug doesn't listen to a word he says. His arms folded angrily, Doug tells us he's been cooking for thirty-eight years. He went to the CIA and he's worked in successful, "world-renown" restaurants, so clearly he doesn't think he's the problem. Meanwhile, the waitresses don't think much of him, and I'm inclined to agree.
Now we get the first mention of Motherboy's father, who becomes rather epic for a dead guy. I mean, Ramsay and Motherboy come to blows over him later in the episode. But first, Motherboy chokes up when he tells us that his father died two years ago. He goes on that when the father was alive, he was hands-on in the kitchen. Motherboy is not hands-on in the kitchen and he acknowledges his suckitude, so, like in Joss Whedon dramas, we got tons of Bad Daddy Issues tonight.
Ramsay shows up, telling us that the building is 105 years old and cursing at the "pile of shit" he sees on the front steps. Inside, Ramsay meets everyone. Mother is quite turned on by Ramsay's height and blond hair, but Doug thinks Ramsay's mere presence in his pristine restaurant is a "slap in the face." Ramsay sits down with Motherboy and Mother to get the full thrust of their relationship with the restaurant and each other. Motherboy describes the restaurant as the Titanic, and Mother thinks it's poorly run. Motherboy tells Ramsay to ask Mother when she last complimented him. Mother explains, "Because you just don't listen and that's why compliments are hard to come by." Should we just change Motherboy's name to "Norman" right here and now? "God," is all Ramsay says before asking to try the food. Before ordering crab cakes, salmon, lobster ravioli, Ramsay whispers to the waitress about the stench. "It's sewage," she tells him, adding she doesn't know how people can even come in there. In the kitchen, Doug pulls "cooked" crab cakes from the microwave and hands them off. Oh, yes, this will go over awesomely.
While waiting for his food, Ramsay pulls at the rotting wallpaper and crumbling walls and tsks under his breath. His food comes out and, as expected, it's not a hit. The chef swears he makes the crab cakes himself, but he also admits to freezing them, which doesn't go down well with Ramsay. Neither do the crab cakes. He determines that the lobster ravioli are soggy and have a "strange taste" inside. The salmon is likewise awful. Finally, Ramsay finishes the meal with one of Mother's homemade Greek cookies. Mother is certain Ramsay will say he's never had a better one. The cookies are those round powdered sugar numbers that are called either Mexican Wedding Cookies or Swedish Wedding Cookies or, apparently, Greek Cookies, depending on what continent you're on. Ramsay blows at the powdered sugar elaborately and chokes on it.
, Ramsay observes the dinner service and sees lots of unhappy customers barely making do with nearly inedible and sometimes cold food. Moving to the kitchen, Ramsay can see that neither the chef nor the sous chef give two shits about the food they are cooking, and they seem to care even less about the customers. One of the chefs spills tomato sauce on the floor and doesn't bother to clean it up, which boggles Ramsay. He takes Motherboy aside and asks how he can pay these guys to work there when they clearly can't do their jobs. He demands to know why Motherboy can't say something to the chef. Instead of yelling at the chef, Motherboy quietly gets a mop and cleans it up himself. This does not please Ramsay at all. Motherboy spreads his hands and says, "I'm used to doing it?" Ramsay needs to take a breather from Motherboy's timidity, and walks off.
Since we avoided this last week, I forgot that I shouldn't have anything in my mouth -- liquid or solid -- during this portion of the show. Upon inspecting the kitchen, Ramsay finds rotting meat, grime on the oven hood, scum on the walls, and moldy pesto. At one point, he puts his arm over his mouth and swallows back a gag. It's the day and customers have started showing up for lunch, but Ramsay pulls Mother and Motherboy aside and slams Mother's claim that they got a 95 from the Board of Health. Oh, I'm sure they got a 95 from the Board of Health. In 1967. After showing Mother and Motherboy just what muck lurks in the heart of the kitchen, he blasts Doug, "How dare you cook me a lunch out of this kitchen!" Fully acknowledging the festering filth, Doug has the gall to be pissed off about "another chef" getting in his face about his kitchen. He is so fired. Ramsay finds a bag of dog food in the walk-in, but it's okay because it's the "fish bag," whatever that means. Ramsay reaches in the fishy dog bag and pulls out a hunk of loosely plastic-wrapped pork. Leaving aside the fact that there is pork in the dog food fish-bag, let's talk about what's growing on it. I'm not sure how they got there, but there are orange pustules sticking to the bottom of the cold hank of meat. Ramsay sniffs the meat and says it smells sour. "It's probably sour on the outside," Doug shrugs, later telling us that the hunk of pustule-encrusted, sour-smelling pork was his personal meal. His tone implies, of course, that Ramsay had no business finding fault with it. I'm sorry, "sour on the outside"?! Is that what CIA teaches you? Retch. Finally, Ramsay pulls out the moldy pesto that was served with his salmon at lunch and shoves it in Doug's face. Again, with the shrug in his tone, Doug says he didn't see the mold on the pesto. Amazingly, Doug does admit that he was humiliated by the pesto incident and that it was "unforgivable." Enraged that Motherboy purports to clean the entire kitchen -- including the walls -- every Tuesday, Ramsay forces Motherboy to touch the walls and feel the creeping scum. "TOUCH THAT YOU DIRTY PIG!" he screams.
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After all that, Ramsay tells Mother and Motherboy that there is no way they are serving customers that day. He sends them out to tell their customers that the restaurant is closed, and orders the entire kitchen steam-cleaned. Ramsay continues to blast both Doug and his sous chef, Charlie, for the state of the kitchen but neither of them takes any responsibility for the filth. Ramsay yanks Motherboy and Mother into the now-empty dining room and wonders why Motherboy can't whip his staff into shape. Letting loose with all sorts of "fucks" and "shits," Mother goes OFF about how this is a prime example of what a loser her son is and how he isn't a man.
The day, Ramsay prepares to demo a simple dish of pan-seared bass with a fresh tomato-basil sauce in a clean kitchen. Doug is totally pissed and pays only the scantest attention to what Ramsay is telling him. It gets worse, though, because when Ramsay has Mother and Motherboy try the dish, Doug refuses THREE TIMES to taste the dish himself. He says he knows what striped bass tastes like. Ramsay is seriously insulted, noting, "God, that's the first time a guy has never tasted my food." This guy is more fired every minute. Ramsay goes back into the kitchen to watch Doug and Charlie make the new dish, which they fuck up horribly and then flat-out refuse to listen to Ramsay anymore.
Ramsay sits Mother and Motherboy down and tells them they have to fire both Doug and Charlie. Specifically, Motherboy has to hike up what balls he has and fire both Doug and Charlie. After what seems like a few very long minutes, Motherboy schlumps to the kitchen and tells Doug and Charlie, "Guys, you're both off tomorrow." Doesn't quite sound like firing, does it? Doug asks, "Are we done here for good, or…" "Yup," Motherboy says quietly. Charlie and Doug leave, swearing, and Doug admits to us that he's humiliated.
And this is where the episode got really weird. Ramsay takes Motherboy to a boxing ring and engages him in a little light punching. Ramsay really wants Motherboy to scream as he punches, and tells him he needs to release his tension. The problem is, when Motherboy releases his tension, a whole lot more comes out. Way more, potentially, than Ramsay bargained for. Practically sobbing, Motherboy admits he lied to Ramsay about how often the kitchen was cleaned. "I did what I've done my whole life -- keeping the peace and keeping myself down," Motherboy goes on. Ramsay tells him he has no reason to keep himself down. Oh, but he does it because his father never -- not in his whole life -- ever complimented him. His father just told him he sucked. "Was he a great worker? Yeah!" Motherboy says. "But he didn't give a fuck about his own son, who cared about him." I wish you could hear the music they're playing over this scene. It's the Hallmark Channel mixed with every tear-stained moment from Little House on the Prairie and it's making me nauseous. Motherboy goes on, "I let it destroy me and he died before I could prove him wrong." Needing to get physical, Ramsay yells, "You're doing that now." He circles Motherboy and starts shouting, "PROVE HIM WRONG!" as Motherboy, now Peter, continues to pummel Ramsay's hands.
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Back at the restaurant, Ramsay has slightly classed up the joint by returning the Seascape to its former glory of red tablecloths, dark wood, and walls that no longer crumble into the customers' food. Marilyn, the waitress of 40 years, is close to tears at such a transformation. Ramsay scoured the local community and brought in a new head chef for the Seascape, Scott, and he's also loaned out one of his own French maîtres d', Jean-Baptiste, to help Peter deal with his front-of-house duties and revamped the menu. Jean-Baptiste's first order of business is to make Peter wear a jacket and give him a new walk. I kid you not. Ramsay and Jean-Baptiste had a problem with Peter's galumphing walk around the dining room, so they teach him how to glide.
The restaurant reopens and at first, things seem to go well, but then the kitchen gets backed up, the waitresses are confused, and customers are waiting way too long for their food. Finally, after Mother wanders into the kitchen and rips Motherboy a new one, complete with a nice motherly "Shut the fuck up!", Ramsay yanks Peter outside and orders him to take control. But first, Peter has to tell us that his father is turning over in his grave. Ramsay gives Peter a short pep talk in the kitchen. Peter responds by asking Ramsay if he can have a hug. The moment managed to be both oddly sweet and totally cringe-ful. Fortified by the superwarmth of the Ramsay hug, Peter marches out and gets the restaurant back under control. At the end of the night, Ramsay sits down with Peter and Mother and gives them their due props. Mother even admits to being proud of her son.
We're told that as the week went on, Ramsay kept working with the restaurant to create a new menu, using the fresh seafood available at their doorstep. Ramsay also did his community-involvement thing by instituting Seascape's first chowder cook-off with himself, Mother, and the mayor of Islip acting as judges. Ramsay takes his leave of Seascape and reminds them, "Love and support!" He makes Peter bang fists with him, and Peter tells us, "It's amazing what he did. He taught me to stand up and be the owner." Mother tells us that she will never forget Ramsay, because he put his heart and soul into the Seascape and he saved them.
"Five months later" flashes up on the screen, and Mr. Voice-Over tells us, "Even though Gordon successfully restored the Seascape to its former glory, Peter accepted an offer that he couldn't refuse and sold the restaurant." D'OH!
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