Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 36
Ramsay steps off the LIRR in a town called Bellmore. He's thirty minutes away from New York City and he pulls the collar of his form-fitting black coat up against the chill ocean breeze. Yeah. See, no matter how foul his language becomes, Ramsay is still way tastier than anything these Nightmares serve. I secretly fantasize about a Ramsay-based James Bond villain called Beefy Slicer.
His target is The Mixing Bowl Eatery, a ten-year-old, uh, eatery that is Just! Moments! From! Disaster! Some pre-Ramsay'd shots of the restaurant show us Mike, the Ricky Gervaisian manager, telling the kitchen, "He said Cajun, not Asian." I don't even know how both exist on one menu. The chef and owner is Billy Galetti; he's strong, dark, and fairly silent. He tells us that along with being the chef, he's also the delivery guy and Mr. Fix-It. Going down the list, Billy says, "I do the bills, picking up supplies [sic], I mop the floors if I have to. It's what I have to do to keep the place alive." In other words, Billy is the anti-Peter. Lisa, Billy's wife, would rather the restaurant just close because she has no faith, hope, and certainly not glory. Meanwhile, Manager Mike yells at staff, schmoozes guests, and generally acts as long-suffering as his non-invested pockets will allow. Does it surprise you that the staff thinks he's annoying, lazy, and generally quite worthless?
Lisa tells us that The Mixing Bowl once was a bustling restaurant, full of happy, hungry customers. Now, it's dead and depressing, and if you think that the fake terra cotta tile, hunter-green napkins, and food court-ian chairs have something to do with it, you'd be right. Mike the Manager is so depressed about the lack of money the restaurant's making, he's slobbering and sniffling into his short sleeves. Wow. He's really empathetic. Imagine how messy he'd be if it were actually his own money. Lisa tells us that her and Chef Billy's marriage is suffering and she thinks it might be time to walk away from the restaurant.
Ramsay shows up, and Mike is on him like a roach on Dillons. He grabs Ramsay's hand and pumps it hard, telling him, "It's such an honor." Ramsay, being from out of town, is a stickler for niceties and introduces himself: "Sorry, Gordon, and you are?" prompting Mike the Manager to introduce himself, properlike. Mike the Manager can't stop grinning. Meanwhile, Ramsay takes in the empty restaurant, notes the full staff on the clock, and sits down to grill Mike the Manager on the menu. Mike explains they do "New American-type cuisine, we do salads, some wraps…" All of which Ramsay interprets as "a health spa." Ramsay's craggy face doesn't even crack a smile as he barrels on, "When was the last time you went to a spa?" Mike giggles slowly. Ramsay is still impassive. It's clear he doesn't even understand what about an impending heart attack and profuse sweating that simple breathing brings on is so hilarious. But Americans have strange senses of humor. Mike giggles faster and then asks if Ramsay is trying to say something. "I'm asking when was the last time you went to a gym," Ramsay says blandly. "Not for a long time," Mike giggles. "When was the last time you had a salad?" Ramsay says, pointing at Mike's bowl full of jelly. "Not for a long time," Mike giggles again. Ramsay sort of dismisses him as he spelunks the menu and analyzes the restaurant's décor. Not much meets his approval.
Tucking into his order, Ramsay asks what makes their non-local "Merrie-land" crab cakes "award-winning." Mike hems a bit and says that he needs to ask the chef, who knows more about those sorts of things. "I thought you'd know about it if you were the manager and they were on the menu," Ramsay comments, and, without listening to Mike's stuttering, orders his food. When it comes, he's impressed by the surprising freshness of the crab cakes, but not much else. Especially not Mike the Manager, whom he asks to please not stare at him because he feels like there's a cockroach is on his shoulder that he's trying to shake off while he eats.
Ramsay visits the kitchen and tells Billy the Silent Chef what little he thought of the food. Billy is silent. Mike the Manager, however, is not. He asserts himself enough to tell Ramsay that on their ten-year anniversary, the restaurant handed out complimentary zucchini cakes -- the same that Ramsay described as "a mouthful of glue" -- to all the customers and all the customers loved them. Ramsay stymies Mike with: "If you give something away and it's free, who's going to complain about it?" Words to cook by. Mike argues to the camera, "That never happens, so either he's crazy or every customer who comes in here is lying to me." Yes, all two of them. Ramsay's final assessment is that the restaurant is sadly, drearily average. While Lisa is upset to hear her husband judged so harshly, Mike is spoiling for a fight, and Billy is silent. It would seem that ever since Marcel Marceau landed himself in that eternally inescapable box, Billy has been looking to take over his career.
That same night, Ramsay watches the restaurant serve five -- seriously -- customers. Even worse than the DOA atmosphere is when Mike the Manager hands out coupons to two of the five customers, giving them half off their meal. Ramsay leaps on this and collars Mike for some answers. Mike stutters and rambles and finally he and Billy cop to handing these things out for quite a few years now. , we see him dragging huge signs through the restaurant, between the barely warm tables, and outside to show Ramsay his mess. They are all promo signs and there's about nine of them. There's a pumpkin saying: "Order your holiday desserts NOW!" and something else saying -- rather obliquely -- "Tuesday night dinner special select three $12.95" and still another bragging, "Introducing our NEW menu." Mike admits they are expensive but protests, "I've tried everything!" "Clearly," is all Ramsay manages as he attempts to take it all in. He hones in on one that says, "Now accepting reservations," and Mike attempts to explain, "We thought that because we aren't taking reservations, people weren't coming in here." Ah, the hard-to-get approach. Doesn't quite work when you're situated on a busy thoroughfare, aren't Gary Danko, and, as Ramsay and the wide-open windows indicate, are completely empty.
Mike still has one more trick up his black uniform polo sleeve. When Ramsay asks if there's anything else he should know, Mike goes around to the garbage bins and drags out a sign that could have made vacation condos for all three little pigs, and still had plywood left over to make a pied-à-terre for the asthmatic wolf. It reads: "10th Anniversary Free Appetizer with Dinner." Even better? The "10th" is in a starburst. Ramsay asks how the sign worked, and Mike cops to a windstorm blowing down what the Big Bad Wolf could not. Mike asks, "Doesn't this catch your eye from the street?" and amidst all the cursing, Ramsay proclaims, "It's worse than the Dollar Shop!" Frankly, I think it's only zoning that keeps The Mixing Bowl Eatery's actual sign lettered in subdued gold on a hunter green field. If Mike had his way, the letters "M-I-X-I-N-G" would be painted yellow, red, orange, and green and all be tossed around in a big bowl like vegetables, and it would be impossible to read without rear-ending the black SUV in front of your own black SUV. Ramsay exhorts Mike to hide the signs where the customers can't see them. After he made him drag them all through the restaurant where…all the customers saw them.
Ramsay sits Lisa and Billy the Mum down and give it to them straight: the décor sucks, Billy doesn't talk enough in the kitchen, and Mike is a sign pervert. Ramsay wants to know: do they really want to save the restaurant, or should they put themselves out of their misery and close down? I just can't get worked up over a restaurant that has a name better suited to a high-yield bakery than an actual restaurant. I mean "The Mixing Bowl"? It sounds like a chain. A bad, suburban, salad bar chain where all you get is a fifteen choices of dressings, iceberg lettuce, a grimy sneeze-guard, and croutons that are changed once a week. Plus, the "Mixing Bowl" is to D.C. commuters as The Big Dig is to Boston and The Maze is to the Bay Area.
After the commercial break, Billy asserts himself enough to say that he wants to save the restaurant. Lisa sags down in her chair, exhausted, demoralized, and happy to be on camera. Ramsay warns Billy that he has to commit to change or the restaurant will be gone in six weeks. The morning, Ramsay has a wood-chipper hauled into the parking lot of the restaurant so he can Fargo all of Mike's signs. Mike giggles, "You're a madman." "Yeah, I am fucking mad. Working with guy like you makes me fucking mad." , instead of a kitchen colonoscopy that unearths bugs, mold, and salmonella, Ramsay shows Billy and Lisa what has happened to their neighborhood strip since they opened ten years ago. In 1997, the area had four restaurants. Now? Forty-one. Ramsay points out that the area also has lots of gyms, beauty parlors, and tanning salons, so The Mixing Bowl needs to reposition itself as "healthy food." Or, as Gordon puts it, "Give the fucking neighborhood what it wants."
He then takes Billy the Mute to the kitchen and has a salmon and fennel cook-off with him. Side-by-side, they create two very different dishes, spurred on only by their creativity and competitive spirit. They have thirty minutes to "keep it fresh and healthy." During the cooking, Ramsay boggles at how silent Billy is and wonders if he communicates with his wife only through email. After the thirty minutes are over, Billy has a seared salmon with ginger-balsamic drizzle, and Ramsay has a vegetable stock-poached salmon topped with walnut pesto. Both are served with asparagus spears fanned out like the setting sunbeams in every single one of my childhood drawings. Ramsay proclaims both of them good enough to be put on the new menu. Frankly, while I'm sure Ramsay's salmon was impeccable and probably tasted amazing, it looked awfully anemic in color.
Phase Two of the process has the restaurant filling up with customers all hungry for the new salmon dishes. Mike the Manager is up to his old tricks as he asks incoming customers if they have reservations. He's totally That Guy who looks you up and down, glares down at his book or computer screen, pokes a few things, writes a few words, and then pointedly asks, "Do you have reservations?" And you are that person who is scared to death, not because of his snooty attitude, but because you're wondering if you're the only one who can't see another human being in the entire restaurant and if it's all because of that mangy old burrito you had for lunch. As Mike sits down with yet another group of customers, Ramsay tells us that, just like Martin, Mike is yet another manager who is using his position in the restaurant to feed his ego. The entire staff is fed up with Mike because he does very little and takes half the tips. At the end of the night, the staff has it out with Mike in front of Ramsay. Mike gets defensive and yells back, and Ramsay sits down with his mug of French Roasted whup-ass and goes off on Mike for acting like he owns the place. Ramsay also goes off on Billy for using his spine as a pot rack and Lisa for not speaking her mind. So, Lisa speaks her mind, Mike yells at her, and THIS gets Billy to open his mouth and start giving orders. Ramsay gives him props for finally sounding like a boss.
The day, the staff arrives to a completely redecorated restaurant. The place looks amazing. It went from food court to Hampton Court. There are square boxed candles on the walls, plush armchairs that probably cost more than my rent, and delicate vases with single tulips inclined at the perfect graceful angle. If only Gordon would do something about those tacky black polo shirts. I swear, the shiny gold thread is better suited to a casino called "Lucky!" The interior overhaul is too much for Mike and he starts crying. Ramsay rolls his eyes and calls for tissues. As Ramsay goes over the lighter and brighter menu with the staff, Billy is stoked to get his restaurant back on track. Ramsay takes Lisa and Mike around the neighborhood to canvass for the restaurant's reopening. They visit nail salons, gyms, and even get a local arena football team called the New York Dragons involved.
A few hours before the restaurant reopens, Mike takes reservations and flips out about something. Lisa comments, "Okay, see this is why we need Xanax." I love how she said "we" and not "you." Like, clearly Mike needs it, but the staff could clearly do with a few hits as well when dealing with him. Night falls and the restaurant is fully booked. Problem is, the restaurant is too booked, so as the night starts up, too many customers show up at the same time and they have nowhere to sit. Ramsay pulls Mike aside to figure out what happened. "I handed over the reservation list to Kim and I'm not exactly sure what transpired since then," Mike says, passing the buck so fast, no one has time to make change. Also, "transpired"? Mike is so That Guy who pulls out his thirty-five cent words only when his gluteus maximus has been proffered to him on a filigreed salver. He's not exactly sure what the words mean, but he's hoping they give him a chance to escape while his audience is momentarily distracted by the fact that he even knows how to pronounce such big-boy words. Kim, the waitress, tells us she's never been in charge of reservations, so it's laughable that Mike was trying to put it all on her. Mike also tells us he doesn't think it was fair to blame only him. Ramsay tells them all to get it together and deal with the night's customers.
As the night wears on, Mike doesn't clear plates when he should, Ramsay tells him to wake up, and while the other servers handle three to four tables, Mike just takes care of his friends. In the kitchen, Mike makes snotty demands for various orders, which makes Ramsay swear at him in response and point out to Billy the Laryngitic that Mike can't handle a busy restaurant. A few hours go by and the New York Dragons show up for dinner. One huge player's puffy jacket threatens to graze on another customer as they meander around, waiting to be seated. They can't get seated, however, because Mike's an idiot and never put them in the reservation book. Loudly he proclaims his innocence, screaming, and pounding the counter until Ramsay finally throws him out of the restaurant to cool off. It all appears to take place in front of the entire restaurant because of the "subtle" cuts to listening customers, but from the lighting and other clues to anyone who has ever watched reality television, it is clear that this all happened after hours. The entire staff is shocked at how Mike popped off like that, and Billy the Not Getting It Ever finally crawls out of the kitchen to find out who is yelling at his wife. He tells us, "I don't go for that." As Mike paces outside, Ramsay tells Lisa and Billy that they need to get rid of Mike. However, unlike Mohammad, Billy the Congenitally Useless or Quite Possibly Camera-Shy decides to give Mike another chance to redeem himself. Mike comes back inside, and Ramsay tells him, "That was embarrassing," and tells him to put an end to such histrionics. Mike tells us, "I feel like I'm reborn again," which is repetitively redundant, and then sobs to us that they are going to build the "best damn restaurant that ever existed. Or at least in a twenty-five-mile radius." We are then led to believe that, after all of this, Mike gets tables together for the Dragons and all is well. Lynn, a waitress and Billy's sister, marvels that Mike said "thank you" to her for the first time ever. The staff celebrates with Champagne.
We're told that as the week progressed, Mike improved more and more, customers loved the new menu, and money was made. Then, to underscore the new healthy menu, Ramsay sponsored the "first ever Mixing Bowl Mile Run." And there we have Ramsay dancing around in really quite small running shorts. We might not have Ramsay chest tonight, but we do have Ramsay legs. Mike tells us how Ramsay was teasing him that an eight-year-old was outrunning him. As the show closes, we get a glimpse of Billy playing with his new friends, the Dragons, who are probably just as loquacious as he is, and we also see Ramsay yanking Billy out of the kitchen to bask in the glory and applause of his old customers in his new dining room.
Ramsay gives some hearty parting words of wisdom and tries to take his leave. However, Mike is in tears again as he glues himself gratefully to Ramsay, who rolls his eyes and acts embarrassed and ashamed. Mr. Voice-Over tells us that as the months followed, The Mixing Bowl continued to do well, and best of all? Lisa and Billy's marriage is flourishing.